Preface

 

 

 

 

 

           -Warning this journal contains sexual content-

 

 

One of my objectives of my web journal and videos is to bring light to the consequences of early childhood sexual abuse at age 6 which deeply imprinted in me the need to be a submissive female receptive partner for males. I was routinely performing fellatio on males by age 7.

                                           My need to be Used by Males for sex

By age 13, I was able to suck my own penis, that became my method of masturbation,

which soon manifested into me becoming a female receptive partner for my male " jack " donkey lover Edward at age 13 and soon I was sucking his penis and ingesting his semen as often as possible, which in turn deeply emasculated and completely psychologically femininized me, to point my whole purpose in life was to serve Edward sexually and care for him as my Dominate Male. 

I had a brief two-month episode of being sexually used by a fellow student as his femboy, and his older friends who routinely were using my bottom for penetrating, until someone spread the news that I was performing sexually for guys, and I was publicly shamed and humiliated through-out the school.

         

                         I stopped being with the guys as their female-receptive femboy

Because my older boyfriend had introduced to me the proper way to clean and prepare my bottom for anal sex, and showed to me that I was able to take a large penis up inside

me without pain, I soon was able to be penetrated by Edward my jack donkey.

I remained solely Edwards female-receptive partner performing fellatio on him and being bred by him many times weekly 

Not until 1986 did I seek help and I started working with mental health professionals since after my condition developed into a Exhibitionistic Disorder and Troilism Disorder, after attempting to try to be like a Normal Man with a Female partner, which Failed due the fact that I was so deeply psychologically emasculated, I only felt I could be female-receptive.
                                   (I never revealed to my therapist that I was a practicing zoosexual at that time)

Once I returned to just being Edward's female receptive partner the Troilism disorder and exhibitionistic disorder went away

Just the complexity of what the trauma of the sexual assaults could do to one's mind has taken a lifetime to sort out, try to deal with, from the gender identity disorder, my zoosexuality and other things such as being highly submissive and Troilism Disorder.
 
For me, I think modeling nude, making the pose videos has always been away to express my femininity, and helped me remain celibate as a female-receptive zoosexual, which I considered my sexual orientation from 1975 to 2001, though I spend much time as a female receptive partner for male human partners from 1998 to 2000, as a caged submissive slut. (though not for pay, very much like a on-call sex worker)


Though I been celibate since 2001, the struggle has been very tough.

After many years as a alcoholic I finally had to live in a alcohol rehabilitation facility for 2 years to overcome that addiction.

I do believe my objective has been sincere, it that the reason for talking about these topics is to maybe help better understand childhood sexual abuse and what it can lead to, these video's have been way to express myself in a way I could never put into words, and at same time helping me try to understand and deal with the dilemma of how the sexual assaults by much older men so deeply shaped my life.

How it manifested in so many different directions, until I didn't I didn't know what was what. 

       Transgender | Lifedrawingmodeling (transgenderartistmodelmichaelemery.com

 The Story I try to tell,

 do the explicitness and unable to show in a Mimesis form much of the subject               matter, is written as in  Diegesis form.

 From my point of view;

 this might be the best way to understand a Female-roled third-gender, zoosexual person.

 

 

(WHAT IS DIEGESIS: A FILM DEFINITION FOR INDEPENDENT FILMMAKERS)

In story writing and filmmaking, various rules and stylistic techniques are tools to produce the elements of the fictional worlds that characters are a part of. In the film world, diegesis is a term that is frequently used to describe the unique made-up worlds within a story. Essentially, a diegesis film definition would make sense to include details about the interior view of the world in which the story is taking place. We refer to this as the diegetic world. But what does all of this mean? - beverlyboy.com

 

   

 

 

 

 

   Because of the nudity and sexual content of this site most pages require password

                                                                      " iamofage2" 

 

 

     This Journal is more or less a Hodge podge copulation of :

                              "Like a Actor preparing for a script in order to be convincing"

 

                                          Thoughts, memories and ideas of,

                     my life as a sexually inverted person, and a female-roled zoosexual

                                                and a nude artists model

       I started posing nude for Art Classes due to my love of                        drawing, and my desire to be around artist

                       and always dreamed of being a artist

                Once I was posing, it was a great role for me,

                   it made me feel good, I felt I was playing a

               important role for the artists and student artists.

               And ever since early childhood I loved just being nude, and would spend

                             much time alone in woods walking nude, free from civilization.

 

              I checked myself into a Alcohol Rehabilitation Center in 2013

 

                                                and was there as in patient (2013-2015),

     During my rehab. a spent a good amount of time researching my sexual dilemmas

                                                          After rehab. until present

     

I took on / began; the endeavor/deep dive into confronting the reasoning for my being a

                                                                         (1975-1996)

                                                        female-roled zoosexual,            

                          (my male partner was Edward, a jack donkey, he passed away 1996)

                                                                         (1998-2000)

                     submissive female-roled homosexual, transsexual type

                                     (100% female-roled / sexually inverted).

                                          As a sexual slut for many Men

                   

                                                               (2000-2001)

                           female-roled partner for my great dane lover Max🐾

             (unfortunately due to new bestiality laws, Max and I were only lovers for about 8 months)

 

      How posing nude for life drawing classes and how posing helped me understand and cope with my gender and sexual identity dilemmas.

 

     How my love of drawing, it's great meditative value helped me                        successfully beat alcohol addiction.

     Posing helped with my gender identity disorder, allowed me to express

     my femineity to a certain degree

                                            

Continued to research concerning these topics, correlation between them and trying to         recall events of my life, my feelings at the time, since age 6 years old until present.

           

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Posing for Art classes was a very good social activity to for me start as well because I was having a very hard time since Edward my donkey partner died in 1996, when I was with him, I did little as far as social type things.

By late 1997, I'd been able to get through the grieving process with Edward's passing to see I needed to quite isolating, move on with life, I started actually having interest in finding a new jack donkey lover.

Not that I was looking for (human) boyfriend, yet by chance a college student in one of my classes asked me one evening after class if I was homosexual, I told yes I was female-roled 100% bottom and always had been.

He then quite directly asked if I wanted to perform fellatio on him, I said I would like to, we walked to his car where I able to pleasure him.

Soon I was performing sexually for him by routinely performing fellatio on him as his submissive female-roled sex partner. (he called me his "sissy slut")

My new boyfriend, would then go onto introducing  me to friends, whom would have me perform sexually for them, they'd introduce me to another, until it wasn't long before I was performing sexually 7 days a week for the most part.

  -Even being a male that is a Nude Artist's Model is some what taboo-

                                               Celibacy 2000 to present

 

Because I consider myself primarily a female-roled zoosexual, in that I if were able too,I would have only been the female-roled partner for a jack donkey like my Edward or the femaled-roled partner for a male great dane like my Max, however the bestiality laws of 2001 caused my to become 100% celibate and have been 100% celibate now 22 years.

                                Other wise I wouldn't be publicly writing this journal

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                                                Childhood sexual abuse

 

Alot of my reasearch centers around my being sexual abused as a child and how the trauma from that shaped my sexual inversion, my needing to be submissive for a Dominate male sex partners, my becoming a female receptive submissive zoosexual

To the point of, I was only able to be the female receptive partner for a large breed dog

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How I've always ⬆ wished to look   

Introducing self as a female-roled zoosexual

 

           I wanted to make this journal as a study for a testimonial type writing due to;

 

 

 

                     Lack of life Stories, Testimonials from

                                           homosexual transsexuals and zoosexuals

   After many years of intense research on the the topics of male to female transsexual

   and zoosexuality I have found very little in regard to writings like;

   Jennie June(autobiographer)

   " The Autobiography of an Androgyne, The female-impersonators

   June expressed a lifelong desire to be a woman, June consistently used he/him                   pronouns in reference to himself in his own writing. June wrote of feeling like a               combination of male and female

 " June published his first autobiography, The Autobiography of an Androgyne in 1918, and his second, The Female-Impersonators in 1922. This makes June one of the earliest instances of someone who is transgender or gender nonconforming in American history to publicize their own story. In June's preface to the book, June explains that he has kept diaries of his life and that his autobiography has been taken from those.

June organized the book into episode-like sections, wherein he discusses incidents in his life as well as his opinions on certain social matters.[39] June's stated goal in writing the book was to rally the support of Americans to create an accepting environment for young adults who do not adhere to gender and sexual norms, because that was what June would have wanted for himself, and he wanted to prevent them from committing suicide.[3] June discusses his desires, which he struggled with because they were so different to what was considered normal.

The memoir describes in detail many personal narratives as well as June's sexual encounters and desires, including the story of his castration, but also contains pleas for understanding and acceptance of "fairies". The Autobiography of an Androgyne also describes how June felt that he lived a double life in the sense that he was an educated, middle-class white male scholar, but also had intense yearnings for performing sexual acts that distressed him " -wikipedia

 " At eighteen, June became so depressed about being an invert that he sought medical help to make him feel like a "normal male." The two New York medical professors he went to first, venereologist Dr. Prince A. Morrow[5][19] (1846 - 1913) and then alienist Dr. Robert S. Newton[5][19][20] both saw inversion as a defect, and attempted for months to cure him of it by every known method. (Alienist was an early Victorian word for a psychiatrist.) June's treatments included drugs, hypnosisaphrodisiacs in the hope of making June attracted to women, and electrical stimulation of the brain and spinal cord (electroconvulsive therapy).[21] These treatments had no effect: June remained an invert, depressed, and also a nervous wreck from the drugs.[5] It is understood today that trying to make someone stop being LGBT (called conversion therapy) is not effective, and is even abusive "

                                      June had extreme desire to perform fellatio,

claiming to have partaken in over sixteen hundred sexual encounters in the span of a dozen years.

 

This I can very much relate to as myself have always had the extreme desire to perform fellatio, and even more extreme desire to be penetrated anally.

In 2000 I was living/performing as a house caged slut at Indigo House for room and board, It was as safe as could be as far as STD's.

 I was getting  gang-banged nearly daily by 20-50 men a day, often 7 days a week, 8-10 hours a day, so I was getting topped anywhere from 600-1500 times a month some months, some months less, so more.

      Yet every day I wished it was Edward, or Max I was with

           With Edward and Max I didn't need to worry about STD's,

                          then in 1980's when HIV hit the country

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May 7 2022, first time out in woods after what seemed a long,long winter

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Ever since I started posing nude for Life drawing classes, I at same time was making my nude pose videos in woods, etc., thus I have documented myself on video since 1997 until present 2022.

 Only thing I would of liked to have been different would be,

         " I wish I'd been wearing "Cage" in all of my videos "

                                 thus never revealed my penis

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I know from this date forward I wouldn't make any pose videos without wearing a cage.

I think wearing the cage greatly reflects/expresses my;

                "need to be 100% female-roled, female sexually receptive"

                               (shows I am unable to perform like a man)

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By this time in my life I was desiring that, I not have a penis, yet have a female like vulva

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I've always wanted to express:

               My true desire has always been to be the female-roled sexual partner,

                                     for a jack donkey or large breed male dog"

female roled zoosexual

Discription on Paw-Prints Series:

 

Do to the fact that the majority of my life I was the female-roled partner for my lover/companion Edward who was a jack(male) donkey for 21 years, (1975-1996) until he passed away due to old age, then in 2000 I became the female-roled partner for Max a male great dane, yet due to a new law which passed in the state in 2001 which I resided in prohibiting me having a male great dane as my partner/lover, I had to become celibate and thus I have been celibate since 1/1/2001.
I believe because I befriended Edward my jack donkey at age 10 and spent as much time as possible with him developed a loving friendship, then when I reached puberty, and knowing I was a feminine transsexual type, and only desired a male partner, and found myself then attracted to Edward not only as a best friend, but as my male lover as well.
Once Edward and I had attempted to have him breed me and found he could successfully breed me just as he did the female donkeys, I seen it as " I was like a surrogate female for him to breed ", thus for 21 years I was his female surrogate, I tried several times to be a normal male, and have a girl-friend, yet I only wanted to be with Edward.

Though I have to respect the law, because I was always the female receptive partner, and very much always felt Edward and then Max always wanted to be my male partner.
Or for example I agree with the following paper " The Unjustified Prohibition against Bestiality: Why the Laws in Opposition Can Find No Support under the Harm Principle " by Michael Roberts

The Unjustified Prohibition against Bestiality: Why the Laws in Opposition Can Find No Support under the Harm Principle:   papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1328310

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                 As Much as I love Art

                 Looking at it / Creating it / Inspired by it:

                     (This lead me to Posing nude for life drawing classes)

I've always loved to draw

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I tried sign painting awhile

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I was too focused on being Edward's female-roled lover/companion maybe and couldn't 

stay focused on doing Art ?

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      and

Girly-boys

Put it this way, I was a Girly-boy who wasn't to intersted in the Scarf !

I loved being Edward's girly-boy more

Once Edward had taken me as his female receptive partner to breed, and was then routinely breeding me, psychologically it was so profound a experience I simply knew my role was to be Edward's female-roled companion/lover, all I wanted to do was be with him in a completely monogamous relationship.

My discription on above video:

Do to the fact that the majority of my life I was the female-roled partner for my lover/companion Edward who was a jack(male) donkey for 21 years, (1975-1996) until he passed away due to old age, then in 2000 I became the female-roled partner for Max a male great dane, yet due to a new law which passed in the state in 2001 which I resided in prohibiting me having a male great dane as my partner/lover, I had to become celibate and thus I have been celibate since 1/1/2001.
I believe because I befriended Edward my jack donkey at age 10, and spent as much time as possible with him developed a loving friendship, then when I reached puberty, and knowing I was a feminine transsexual type, and only desired a male partner, and found myself then attracted to Edward not only as a best friend, but as my male lover as well.
Once Edward and I had attempted to have him breed me, and found he could successfully breed me just as he did the female donkeys, I seen it as " I was like a surrogate female for him to breed ", thus for 21 years I was his female surrogate, I tried several times to be a normal male, and have a girl-friend, yet I only wanted to be with Edward.

A book everyone should read, or listen to;  " The Art Spirit " by Robert Henri

     Believe me, I know the this meditation well:

          " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
     courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference "

Not only it helped me greatly through my alcohol rehabilation treatment, yet it helps my accept that I am female-roled receptive zoosexual.

And the the one thing I did have control over (change the things I can) when with my male lovers/companions Edward and Max was to care and respect them in the most loving/caring way that I could.

      What I can't change is that being a " female-roled/receptive zoosexual is              who I am, it is the only sexual orientation that is right for me, I can only

      then choose to be celibate due to the fact that society can't accept that I am        a female-roled/receptive zoosexual.