We are all actors to a degree.. "Pythagoras said that this world was like a stage / Whereon many play their parts; the lookers-on, the sage"
Male to Female transgender
I identify best with "Third-gender" type peoples;
" I have always wanted to be much more like a female in most ways, and 100% sexually , I wish to perform like a female.
Contact at ;
I think my mission of this web journal is to bring forth the importance of over coming ;
1 Pre-Conceived Notions and Open mindedness, not only for teaching of Art, but simply for societal unity.
2 Help better understand the importance of the teaching and pursuit of Art for the simply Meditative purpose.
3 Help show why some people can draw, while others can't and many aspects of the listed.
4. Because my journey has been so difficult to understand what being Transgender is as a specific type male to female. The long difficult task of even being able to describe the version,type of transgender , gender non-conforming, and the many nuances.
Which now, I do know clearly now, yet did not at age 13 when became sexual mature (puberty),
nore even 20 years ago when I finally started seeing men and in my true "Role" which with the men, I referred to myself as " female roled male ", "fem-male" in order to describe myself.
I don't believe this type transgender person is being represented in society today.
I think the whole transgender dilemma is not understood, thus how can anyone know what it's truly about ? Transgender or Non-transgender
I think that the only way to understand the " dilemma " of being "trans",... in my case a what I call a "female-roled male ", (Androphilic,take role of female sexually with a man).
Is by Individuals like myself must share their experince, by way of " testimonials " and truthfully / fully.
And in best way able to as a " individual "
"A Journal "of sorts as a Artist's model,
(and artist, in that I can draw fairly well)
Thirdgender / female-roled male, wanta be transsexual,
in that I've always greatly wished to have a female like "vulva",
and not have a penis.
I've always wanted to be the best " female roled partner " that I could be, thus act and appear for a boy-friend as Feminine as possible.
Yet as due to my age,health.the cost, etc. to " Pass " for myself is point-less, thus why I pose as I do, and only desire GRS surgery to affirm my emasculation . Thus Posing does allow expressing how I feel
My first posing job at Museum of Art-1997
I consider myself, psychologically female, with life long desire anatomically have the genitals of a female , I am Female roled sexually / 100% emasculated / femininized psychologically female.
" Have always felt I should be female and wanted to be "
FEM (Female-roled , Effeminate-Male)
- Desired to be female like from earliest memories.
- Desired to be in female sexual role since puberty.
- Desired to have female like vulva instead of penis.
(since earliest memories)
- Desired to mate with males whom can treat me sexually
like a female (sexual surrogate-female roled),males whom can use me sexually as a substitute for a true natal female.
- Desire (very strong) to be impregnated by a man.
- Desire to breast feed
- Desire to appear feminine/sexy for a male sexual partner..
- Desire to pleasure a male partner in receptive female like manner (very strong desire to be anally penetrated and inseminated with a male partner's semen as well as take semen orally, very routinely,as often as possible).
- Psychologically I have no desire to be like,or perform like a male sexually, I only desire to be 100% female sexually.
- To try to perform like a male sexually is disconsonant like,
inappropriate, I am very unsuited to try to be in male sexual role,
as it causes great psychological cognitive dissonance,
very conflcting with my very strong desire to perform only in the female role for a man, due to need to be in "Wife" role.
- Desire to be in " Wife " role for a Man.(very strong)
- Belong to a select group/tribe of men that I routinely sexually pleasure.(very strong, preferred,ideally I like to perform for as many men daily as possible in a safe / Aesthetic context)
When I was very sexually active (1998-2005) it was common to perform fellatio/hand-job on a man in morning, another at lunch then another in evening which often turning in getting anally penetrated on a daily routine(week days) Weekends I often could see many more, yet very random and never knew.)
- I like telling men that I see myself as a FEM,100% female-roled
sexual surrogate that is willing to perform sexually for them as often as they wished, example; it was very common to give a man a blow-job in morning, then at lunch, then that evening he would have me to his place and give me a nice long fucking.
- Then maybe not see him again for several weeks -
Posing , holds several very important purposes ;
The number one reason, I felt when I first began posing for a Art Museum life drawing class, was I wanted / needed to be around like minded people whom loved to " Draw "
I've always been pretty good at drawing since very young, and drawing is very important to me for it's meditative value,
" A Great Escape " mentally, as my childhood as well as through most of adulthood was filled with much depression due to repression of my being transgender/not normal.
The ability to Express was, very important though did not realize at time, yet soon started to realize that after posing for a class, I'd feel simply "so well".
The social aspect was very good for me,and I soon found out nearly all my art school classes / study groups were by majority female and I desire to be around females in a platonic / friendship way.....as I myself feel very female like, wanted to be female like. Thus I was getting to be part of a female group " be one with them for awhile ".
Though not by intent, finally in 1998, I would meet and become a young black man's female roled girly-boyfriend, whom would wonderfully and completely emasculate me and clearly allow me to see that the female role was what I needed to be in.
Age 13, 1975, Losing my virginity at near time of puberty, as a girly-boyfriend,and realized I was sexually attracted to males only, and myself to be only in "female role", very much realizing that I loved feeling " Feminine " ( yet repressing it due to culture I live in)
I am also quite aware of trying to present myself publicly in rural mid-west American would not be a good Idea, unless one could fully pass as female and be able to be un-detected as transsexual.
Thus for myself, as a very experinced Artist's model, I can at least Express my true self by the way of posing nude, and maybe show others a different method of obtaining the the much needed Affirmation of our Identity, and need to feel " Feminine ".
My Vimeo transgender artist model video poses
The below writings is a statement of my philosophy
My posing, at least to me has always been a type of " Performance Art ", in that I can express how feminine/female like I feel, and create poses doing it.
What I am and I am not trying to Express with my posing.
I am trying to Express my identity as being Female in a psychological sense,in that I am very much similar to a true heterosexual female, that I am a Fully sexually inverted male .
Yet I very much am Not trying to Entice any form of sexual arousal in myself or others.
" Inversion meant that a man’s homosexual desires, effeminacy, or both did not challenge masculine gender or heterosexual sexual norms; rather, a perfectly normal heterosexual woman with a feminine gender was trapped inside him, yearning to come out.’ (Encyclopedia.com) "
Thus if I was to Pose for a group of artists , and try to express my " True " identity as a transgender type person. I need to present my " Femininity " to the degree that displays how I feel inside myself.
In a perfect way, the image below reflexes how feminine I feel in terms of a body suited for my sexual identity
The below right image clearly reflexes my sexual identity, and sure I am only attracted to heterosexual men, thats due to the fact for whatever caused it, I am a sexually " Inverted Male ", thus see the world more like a heterosexual female. The image on the left below, does not reflex my true identity due to the penis.
I very much relate to the " Muxe " identity (below) for male to female transgenderism / style, one reason, I really like having a flower in my hair
I am very content looking feminine to the degree I do below, and sure I wish to reflex that I am sexually female, yet also am biologically male (a sexual invert)
I've kinda always just thought of myself as a "Tomboyish type girl "
Yet no matter my style of dress etc, I am 100% female like sexually
The way I feel, I simply have a very feminine brain
Current research shows our brains are are able to be feminine or masculine , no matter which biological sex one might be.
For generations we’ve been taught that women and men differ in profound ways. Women are supposedly more sensitive and cooperative, whereas men are more aggressive and sexual because this or that region in the brains of women is larger or smaller than in the brains of men, or because they have more or less of this or that hormone.
This story seems to provide us with a neat biological explanation for much of what we encounter in day-to-day life. It’s even sometimes used to explain why, for example, most teachers are women and most engineers are men. But is it true?
Using the ground-breaking results from her own lab and from other recent studies, neuroscientist Daphna Joel and Luba Vikhanski shows that it is not. Instead, argues Joel, every brain – and every human being – is a mosaic, or mixture, of ‘female’ and ‘male’ characteristics.
It’s Time for a World without Gender / scientificamerican.com
If it was "realistic,practical,viable etc. I would of gotten breasts and a vagina long ago, so I could present as female like sexually and to better express my gender identity as "female-roled "
I look very " Right " to myself , having breasts and a vagina
Winter of 1997, when I first started posing nude for " life-drawing " classes
Soon, the following spring, I would get noticed by a very confident,kind,sexy young black man, whom asked me if I'd be interested in performing "fellatio " on him. My reply was " Yes ! ", as soon as I was actually " Performing " for him, in the female-role I knew for sure, performing for men in the female role was only way I ever wanted to be. Once he started penetrating me anally, I was literally begging him to start ejaculating up inside me, and this very much psychologically " emasculated " (I knew I never wanted to perform again as a man). Just knowing I am having a man impregnate me with his semen , is the greatest feeling for me
I just always wanted to be as feminine acting, appearing for my boyfriends.
Serve them sexually in the female role as best possible, thus I have always had a great desire to have my penis removed, and replaced by a female like vagina, thus giving my boyfriends ability to penetrate me anally or vaginally.
Perform sexually for my men best to my ability
I think like many females do- I'm fairly sure-, in that , I want a man to think I have a cute bottom
Third-gender ; a category of people who do not identify as male or female, but rather as neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders.
For myself , I am sexually much as a heterosexual female
Because I am psychologically completely female like(sexually) , I've always felt I should have a female like vulva/vagina, having a penis doesn't reflect my sexual orientation, as I only desire to be in the receptive role as a female is.
In a Large part, due to my long time interest in how we as human beings are "Socially Constructed" and held by our " Pre-concieved Notions ", I feel a need to express thoughts,ideas on this web blog.
For example, in regards to the sexual orientation, gay, homosexual, sexual-inversion, trans dilemma, I've never been able to grasp why society treats individuals with these identities, coldly, without respect and disgust. What causes these judgements,emotions and reactions in the human mind ?.
In essense, it makes no rational sense, goes against human evolution, freedom, creativity, shows the mind is closed down.
We need to have much more of a mind-set as Brian Greene tries to explain with Joe.