Wanta be "Transsexual

            

We are all actors to a degree.. "Pythagoras said that this world was like a stage / Whereon many play their parts; the lookers-on, the sage"

                                 Male to Female transgender

                                            "Female Roled"

    

                I identify best with "Third-gender" type peoples;

  " I have always wanted to be a Female and felt I should be Female                         and 100% sexually  perform like a female"

Contact at ; 

cavedraw1@yahoo.com

I think my mission of this web journal is to bring forth the importance of over coming ;

 1 Pre-Conceived Notions and Open mindedness, not only for teaching of Art, but simply for societal unity.


 2 Help better understand the importance of the teaching and pursuit of Art for the simply Meditative purpose.


 3 Help show why some people can draw, while others can't and many aspects of the listed.

 4. Because my journey has been so difficult to understand what being Transgender is as a specific type              male to female. The long difficult task of even being able to describe the version,type of transgender ,              gender non-conforming, and the many nuances.
     Which now, I do know clearly now, yet did not at age 13 when became sexual mature (puberty),
     nore even 20 years ago when I finally started seeing men and in my true "Role" which with the men, I              referred to myself as " female roled male ", "fem-male" in order to describe myself.

                 I don't believe this type transgender person is being represented in society today.


                 I think the whole transgender dilemma is not understood, thus how can anyone know                                         what it's truly about ?  Transgender or Non-transgender

I think that the only way to understand the " dilemma " of being  "trans",... in my case a what I call a "female-roled male ", (Androphilic,take role of female sexually with a man).


 Is by Individuals like myself must share their experince, by way of  " testimonials "  and truthfully / fully.

                                                   And in best way able to as a " individual "

"A Journal "of sorts as a Artist's model,

                 (and artist, in that I can draw fairly well)

                                               and

    Thirdgender / female-roled male, wanta be transsexual,

     in that I've always greatly wished to have a female like                                                        "vulva",

                                  and not have a penis.

I've always wanted to be the best " female roled partner " that I could be, thus act and appear for a boy-friend as Feminine as possible. 

Yet as due to my age,health.the cost, etc. to " Pass " for myself is point-less, thus why I pose as I do, and only desire GRS surgery to affirm my emasculation . Thus Posing does allow expressing how I feel

 

 

                 My first posing job at Museum of Art-1997

I consider myself, psychologically female, with life long desire anatomically have the genitals of a female , I am Female roled sexually / 100% emasculated / femininized psychologically female.

       " Have always felt I should be female and wanted to be "

         FEM (Female-roled , Effeminate-Male)

         Traits;
                           - Desired to be female like from earliest memories.

                           - Desired to be in female sexual role since puberty.

                           - Desired to have female like vulva instead of penis.

                              (since earliest memories)

                           - Desired to mate with males whom can treat me sexually
                              like a female (
sexual surrogate-female roled),males whom can                                use me sexually as a substitute for a true natal female.
   
                           - Desire (very strong) to be impregnated by a man.

                           - Desire to breast feed

                           - Desire to appear feminine/sexy for a male sexual partner..

                           - Desire to pleasure a male partner in receptive female like                                       manner (very strong desire to be anally penetrated and                                   inseminated with a male partner's semen as well as take                                       semen orally, very routinely,as often as possible).
    

                           - Psychologically I have no desire to be like,or perform like a                                     male sexually, I only desire to be 100% female sexually.

                             

                           - To try to perform like a male sexually is disconsonant like,

                             inappropriate, I am very unsuited to try to be in male sexual role,

                             as it causes great psychological cognitive dissonance,

                             very conflcting with my very strong desire to perform only in the                               female role for a man, due to need to be in "Wife" role.

                           - Desire to be in " Wife " role for a Man.(very strong)

                                                                or

                           - Belong to a select group/tribe of men that I routinely sexually                                   pleasure.(very strong, preferred,ideally I like to perform for as                                   many men daily as possible in a safe / Aesthetic context)

                               When I was very sexually active (1998-2005) it was common to                                 perform fellatio/hand-job on a man in morning, another at                                         lunch then another in evening which often turning in getting                                     anally penetrated on a daily routine(week days) Weekends I                                     often could see many more, yet very random and never knew.)

                           - I like telling men that I see myself as a FEM,100% female-roled

                             sexual surrogate that is willing to perform sexually for them as                                   often as they wished, example; it was very common to give a                                     man a blow-job in morning, then at lunch, then that evening he                                 would have me to his place and give me a nice long fucking.

                                 - Then maybe not see him again for several weeks -

Posing , holds several very important purposes ;

The number one reason, I felt when I first began posing for a Art Museum life drawing class, was I wanted / needed to be around like minded people whom loved to " Draw "

  I've always been pretty good at drawing since very young, and drawing is very important to me for it's meditative value,

" A Great Escape " mentally, as my childhood as well as through most of adulthood was filled with much depression due to repression of my being transgender/not normal.

The ability to Express was, very important though did not realize at time, yet soon started to realize that after posing for a class, I'd feel simply "so well".

The social aspect was very good for me,and I soon found out nearly all my art school classes / study groups were by majority female and I desire to be around females in a platonic / friendship way.....as I myself feel very female like, wanted to be female like. Thus I was getting to be part of a female group " be one with them for awhile ".

Though not by intent, finally in 1998, I would meet and become a young black man's female roled girly-boyfriend, whom would wonderfully and  completely emasculate me and clearly allow me to see that the female role was what I needed to be in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Age 13, 1975, Losing my virginity at near time of puberty, as a girly-boyfriend,and realized I was sexually attracted to males only, and myself to be only in "female role", very much realizing that I loved feeling " Feminine " ( yet repressing it due to culture I live in)

I am also quite aware of trying to present myself publicly in rural mid-west American would not be a good Idea, unless one could fully pass as female and be able to be un-detected as transsexual.
   
Thus for myself, as a very experinced Artist's model, I can at least Express my true self by the way of posing nude, and maybe show others a different method of obtaining the the much needed Affirmation of our Identity, and need to feel " Feminine ".

OIPSAU23DZP.jpg

My Vimeo transgender artist model video poses

The below writings is a statement of my philosophy

My posing, at least to me has always been a type of " Performance Art ", in that I can express how feminine/female like I feel, and create poses doing it.

What I am and I am not trying to Express with my posing.

I am trying to Express my  identity as being Female in a psychological sense,in that I am very much similar to a true heterosexual female, that I am a Fully sexually inverted male .

Yet  I very much am Not trying to Entice any form of sexual arousal in myself or others.

     "  Inversion meant that a man’s homosexual desires, effeminacy, or both did not challenge masculine gender or heterosexual sexual norms; rather, a perfectly normal heterosexual woman with a feminine gender was trapped inside him, yearning to come out.’ (Encyclopedia.com) "

Thus if I was to Pose for a group of artists , and try to express my " True " identity as a transgender type person. I need to present my " Femininity " to the degree that displays how I feel inside myself.

In a perfect way, the image below reflexes how feminine I feel in terms of a body suited for my sexual identity

The below right image clearly reflexes my sexual identity, and sure I am only attracted to heterosexual men, thats due to the fact for whatever caused it, I am a sexually " Inverted Male ", thus see the world more like a heterosexual female. The image on the left below, does not reflex my true identity due to the penis.

I very much relate to the " Muxe " identity (below) for male to female transgenderism / style, one reason, I really like having a flower in my hair

I am very content looking feminine to the degree I do below, and sure I wish to reflex that  I am sexually female, yet also am biologically male (a sexual invert)

I've kinda always just thought of myself as a "Tomboyish type girl "

Yet no matter my style of dress etc, I am 100% female like sexually

The way I feel, I simply have a very feminine brain

Current research shows our brains are are able to be feminine or masculine , no matter which biological sex one might be.

For generations we’ve been taught that women and men differ in profound ways. Women are supposedly more sensitive and cooperative, whereas men are more aggressive and sexual because this or that region in the brains of women is larger or smaller than in the brains of men, or because they have more or less of this or that hormone.

This story seems to provide us with a neat biological explanation for much of what we encounter in day-to-day life. It’s even sometimes used to explain why, for example, most teachers are women and most engineers are men. But is it true?

 

Using the ground-breaking results from her own lab and from other recent studies, neuroscientist Daphna Joel and Luba Vikhanski shows that it is not. Instead, argues Joel, every brain – and every human being – is a mosaic, or mixture, of ‘female’ and ‘male’ characteristics.

picturetopeople.org-8b5dc3c0d6105cb87abf

It’s Time for a World without Gender / scientificamerican.com

If it was "realistic,practical,viable etc. I would of gotten breasts and a vagina long ago, so I could present as female like sexually and to better express my gender identity as "female-roled "

I look very " Right " to myself , having breasts and a vagina

5/3/2020 pose

Winter of 1997, when I first started posing nude                  for " life-drawing " classes

Soon, the following spring, I would get noticed by a very confident,kind,sexy young black man, whom asked me if I'd be interested in performing "fellatio " on him. My reply was " Yes ! ", as soon as I was actually " Performing " for him, in the female-role I knew for sure, performing for men in the female role was only way I ever wanted to be. Once he started penetrating me anally, I was literally begging him to start ejaculating up inside me, and this very much psychologically " emasculated " (I knew I never wanted to perform again as a man).  Just knowing I am having a man impregnate me with his  semen , is the greatest feeling for me

I just always wanted to be as feminine acting, appearing for my boyfriends.

  Serve them sexually in the female role as best possible, thus I have always had a great desire to have my penis removed, and replaced by a female like vagina, thus giving my boyfriends ability to penetrate me anally or vaginally.

Perform sexually for my men best to my ability

I think like many females do- I'm fairly sure-, in that , I want a man to think I have a cute bottom

Third-gender ; a category of people who do not identify as male or female, but rather as neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders.

   For myself , I am sexually much as a heterosexual female

Because I am psychologically completely female like(sexually) , I've always felt I should have a female like vulva/vagina, having a penis doesn't reflect my sexual orientation, as I only desire to be in the receptive role as a female is.

In a Large part, due to my long time  interest in how we as human beings are "Socially Constructed" and held by our " Pre-concieved Notions ", I feel a need to express thoughts,ideas on this web blog.

For example, in regards to the sexual orientation, gay, homosexual, sexual-inversion, trans dilemma, I've never been able to grasp why society treats individuals with these identities, coldly, without respect and disgust. What causes these judgements,emotions and reactions in the human mind ?.

   In essense, it makes no rational sense, goes against human evolution, freedom, creativity, shows the mind is closed down.

We need to have much more of a mind-set as Brian Greene tries to explain with Joe.

Some of my latest videos which I have decided to use the acronym  "F.E.M" which stands for (Female-roled, Effeminate, Male).

  As well as identifying as a "homosexual transexual" pre-op, as I've always felt I should be female since childhood, due to my strong desire to be impregnated by a male, and pleasure men in my female role.

12-12-2020

A article I came across, which I can very much relate to, as I have always considered myself a Sissy boy, Femboy type and have always desired to be feminine, not masculine

Problem With Sissy Boys? Get Over It!

 

Lately, there has been quite a focus in the media on sissy boys. A J. Crew ad featuring a toddler with pink painted toenails, a recent article in The New York Times about children with cross-gendered interests, and the surfacing of a tragic story about the suicide of Kirk Murphy — who as a boy received a harsh "therapy" to "cure" his girlishness — all suggests the beginning of a growing acceptance of sissy behavior in boys. As a gay man and former (and, at times current) sissy boy myself, I applaud this small but hopefully growing movement.

It is important to recognize that pathologizing cross-gender behavior is culturally bound. In contrast to Western society, there are indigenous cultures in which cross-gendered behaviors are respected, even revered as markers of intellectual and spiritual superiority.

For certain Native American tribes, a man who acts like a woman or a woman with manly characteristics is seen as having "two-spirits" and is believed to be imbued with mystical holy powers. As a matter of fact, in many of these cultures, children were sometimes encouraged by their parents to "fake" a tendency to act like the opposite gender so that the family could get the benefits of having a holy member. Elaborate tests would be conducted to make sure that a young son, for example, wasn't feigning "sissyhood."

Getting back to our own culture, it would be nice to think that our world is finally wising up and seeing that, at the very least, it is no big deal if a boy acts like a girl. However, make no mistake: We are not there yet.

The growing backlash, particularly to the toddler with the toenail polish, suggests that the norms governing gender role behavior and appearances are still so firmly entrenched in our society that it can be deeply troubling when people violate them. We are uncomfortable with short-haired women with deep voices who wear masculine clothing and work in construction. We are perhaps even more discomfited by males who sway their hips when they walk and wear cosmetics and feminine clothing (Hmmm...is that scent in the air the smell of misogyny?).

It is still particularly upsetting for parents to see such behaviors in their children. In my study of 65 gay and lesbian youth and their families, the parents, like most of us, were raised to believe that there are clear distinctions between the ways men and women are meant to act, and this may have contributed to the discomfort parents felt when they observed cross-gendered behavior in their daughters and sons. Parental adjustment to a child's sexual orientation was hindered if children behaved or groomed themselves in ways that were cross-gendered and corresponded to the prevailing stereotypes.

Sometimes, parents felt that their children who chose to appear identifiably gay were putting themselves in harm's way. They correctly understood that among certain segments of our society, presenting oneself as a feminine man is like waving a red flag in front of an angry bull. As stated by one mother of a gay son:

His flamboyancy is hindering because I do get concerned about that sometimes. It seems to me that he is saying out loud, 'Somebody bother me!' You know how heterosexuals are so mean. Some of them are horrible, and when you act flamboyant, to me you are just saying 'Here I am.' And that worries me.

However, for other parents, a feminine male made them feel just plain uncomfortable. As stated by this mother: "I don't care if you are homosexual or not. I just like men who look like men and act like men."

I especially like the following reply to the article above,

  especially "exquisitely emasculated "

Pure Pantywaist Here!

Submitted by Clarissa Hope on August 30, 2019 - 7:00pm

Oh me me me (waves raised hand frantically). I AM a soft, meek, and ever so sweet, mincing, swishing, sashaying, sometimes lisping, often limp-wristed, exceedingly effeminate, exquisitely emasculated, fabulously feminized, gloriously girlified, ultra-sissy transsexual transvestite weakling and I will keep rounds of drinks coming for anyone who wouldn't mind telling me ad infinitum all the reasons why I will never be a man! .

The "Homosexual Transsexual";

Androphilic (homosexual) male-to-female transsexuals
Sexual activity
Building on work by Freund, Frank Leavitt and Jack C. Berger in 1990 further categorized homosexual transsexuals by three patterns of sexual activity in how they used their penis.[16]

 

In their study 44% were sexually inactive,.... 19% avoided use of the penis during sex,..... and 37% derived pleasure from using the penis during sex.

 

The groups showed varying levels of masculinity and emotional disturbance in development.[16] Leavitt and Berger found that transsexuals in the avoidant group are different from those in the other two groups.

 

They fit the description of the "nuclear transsexual".[16] They had a strong cross gender identification, wanted female anatomy, had never married and little to no sexual activity with females.[16] Of all the subgroups this group had the least comorbid psychopathology.[16]

 

The transsexuals in the pleasure group behaved sexually in ways that were "classically homosexual".[16] They were more likely than those in the avoidant group to have had sexual experience with females.[16]

 

They also rated higher on a test of general fetishism.[16] Other than this, transsexuals in the pleasure group were similar to the description of a "nuclear transsexual".[16] They found that transsexuals in the inactive group had characteristics which most differed from that of the "nuclear transsexual",[16] such as strong heterosexual orientations (as determined from psychological testing), and fetish histories. "The pattern exhibited generally conforms to that exhibited by heterosexual transsexuals."[16] The inactive group was found to share little with the other groups of transsexuals other than a stated sexual interest in males.[16]

 

Leavitt and Berger also mentioned studies by Blanchard which suggest that heterosexual transsexuals will adjust their life stories to ensure that they get sex reassignment surgery.[16]

Harry Benjamin writes that "Other transsexuals find prostitution a useful profession for emotional as well as practical reasons".[7]:50–51

 

Benjamin goes on to say, "How much more can his femininity be reaffirmed than by again and again attracting normal, heterosexual, and unsuspecting men and even being paid for rendering sex service as a woman?"[7] 

                                                                                             

   Myself , I I have no desire to even have a erection, and never wish a man to pay attention to, or touch my penis, I've always been very clear with men that I wish that they treat me as though I am a female, I tell them that I wish I didn't have a penis.

I explain I have no desire to perform sexually like a man, have never used my penis for sex when with a man, other then ejaculating,and even when I do ejaculate I will be completely " limp "

               The only way I ejaculate is either by having a man "bone" me,

               or a female strap-on peg me, or use a dildo on myself.

      

               I pretty much need to be anally penetrated to ejaculate.

I think posing and making these posing videos is only way in which I can express how I identify as a " Female-roled male " , whom is completely psychologically feminized / emasculated.

Ideally I have always wished to look as I do in image to left, For a boyfriend and myself

  Do to fact that sexually I feel like a female or should be, I have no desire to be like a Man,in any way really, yet very much not sexually, as I have always felt female receptive, thus wish to have a Man's penis inside me and take his semen into me.

  Thus from a psychologically standpoint I have always thought of myself as  a ;   male to female transsexual

                and

 If the "GRS " was rational / fesible etc. I would have for sure had my penis removed long ago,so I could have a female like vagina whether zero-depth type or full depth(I am so experinced at taking a man's penis up in my bottom I would continue to do that).

 Main aim for me, is I am 100% female like sexually,thus I want to express that to a boyfriend, and in past I've always told men ; " I want to be like a female, and asked them to treat me like a female sexually."