A big reason I felt compelled to write about my experince in relation to being transgender, is after so much research on this topic, I have come across nearly no true "testimonial" type writings by people whom are transgender. And from my perspective testimonials are the only method in which transgender,transexualism etc. can be understood.
Personally , I've always known clearly that I am Androphilia -(refers to sexual attraction and arousal to adult males), And clearly since puberty I've known I could only be in the female role sexually for men. Mainly for myself the dilemma as been finding a Man whom will take me as his full-time sexual partner whom must at the least identify as Str8 male or 100% fully androphilic Top man.
My thought is " Orientation " is more the " Role " one desires or must be in, that is receptive role -verse- insertive role.
I know I personally have never even thought of being in insertive role with a man, and my role / want has always been to be in receptive role (female role) since age 13, and only have ever allowed two men to perform fellatio on me in my life, both with which it was against my better judgement, as it was very much in conflict with my "role identity "of being psychologically female like.
My Gender identity has progressively become more and more feminine,female like, to point that I greatly desire the "gender reassignment surgery" of having my penis removed,so as I can have a female looking "Vulva", yet still have not great urge to pass as a Female.
Yet since early youth, I've always been psychologically been very feminine,and desired to be in the role of a girl,be more like the girls, Thus , I have come to think the only way on can even use the " Word " - Gender-, is with the word " Role "
However I don't agree with the taking of hormones, nore do I believe the medical profession has the ability to perform "GRS" surgery in a way that meets my expectations .
I do greatly wish I could dress such as photo above,
as I feel much more female like then male like,
so have a strong desire to live somewhere in which
I could dress as such, so can be feminine to the degree
in which I feel best.
I hink if I where able to dress as such in public, safely,
people could accept third-gender types much better, as males maybe more able to ask me out, try having sex with me, thus see I can provide them with sexual pleasure similar to the way a true female can.
My dilemma has been meeting Str8 men,
whom will find me as a viable sexual substitute for a
female, thus I have always desired to present myself
as Feminine as that reasonably fits my identity , my
sexual role. Thus I want to dress in a erotic way, it very
important I convey to a man that I can be used by him
for routine , casual oral and insertive sex, covey to him
that I am 100% passive,receptive sexually roled, and my objective is to be a man's sexual companion,be available
sexually for him 24/7.
" I want to be his Classy Slut "
How does gender affect identity?
Gender as experienced by a person psychologically is formed by an incredibly complex transactional process between social programming, social roles and expectations, personnal inclinations, hormonal balances, brain structures, and a sea of early life experiences that functions on a weighted binary scale.
Gender identification. One of the strongest influences on the development of gender identity occurs when the child identifies with the same-sex parent. Boys and girls also learn gender roles through imitating the behavior of other adults and watching what adults say and do. I identify as female in terms of gender / I identified only with females since early memory
Gender dysphoria: Clinically defined as significant and durational distress caused when a person’s assigned birth gender is not the same as the one with which they identify. Thus my dilemma is my gender is not the same as my biological sex(which is male)
Sexually I see myself the same as a heterosexual female, in that I only have ever desired to be in the "Receptive female role " for a man.And as silly as it sounds,I always have dreamed of being " impregnated " literally
One big reason the research involved in the writing of "Gender Mosaic", stresses that over all ,the point that our brains are not sexed,or there isn't a male brain or female brain, that are brains are adaptable to our situtation / environment etc. Thus this makes sense to me, if my gender is female, I adapted to be in the sexual role of a female, even though I am not biological female, I still desire to perform the best I can in the female role for man, I very much desire a man to make me feel female like the best he can.
The reason I put the idea of " berdache " here first is; Once I first read about the berdache type males, I knew here is a type person that I can finally relate to.
Among North American Indians, especially the Sioux and the Crow, a teenage boy would make a pilgrimage into the desert to receive a vision as to what his role in life should be. Most boys saw themselves as warriors, but others, known as berdache, would don womens clothes, perform womens work, and serve as communal babysitters.
Biologically male berdache were also themselves often sexually active with male tribal members, these interactions being considered something separate from normal homosexual encounters. This is because Native American sexual encounters were often split into procreative and non-procreative categories, as opposed to hetero/homosexual, and male encounters with berdache were simply seen as non-procreative (Roscoe 1998)
I have read many accounts of the berdache , showing that they were very much sexually inverted, psycho-sexually female-roled males, and only sexually attracted to heterosexual males.
This is very important and defined in my mind, as emotionally,sexually I see myself much more like a true heterosexual female, only attracted to straight men.
A early 1998 pose
Among all the tribes of the northwest United States sexual inverts may be found. The invert is called a boté ("not man, not woman") by the Montana, and a burdash ("half-man, half-woman") by the Washington Indians. The boté has been carefully studied by Dr. A. B. Holder. Holder finds that the boté wears woman's dress, and that his speech and manners are feminine. The dress and manners are assumed in childhood, but no sexual practices take place until puberty. These consist in the practice of fellatio by the boté, who probably himself experiences the orgasm at the same time. The boté is not a pederast, although pederasty occurs among these Indians. Holder examined boté who was splendidly made, prepossessing, and in perfect health. With much reluctance he agreed to a careful examination. The sexual organs were quite normal, though perhaps not quite so large as hisphysique would suggest, but he had never had intercourse with a woman. On removing his clothes he pressed his thighs together, as a timid woman would, so as to conceal completely the sexual organs; Holder says that the thighs "really, or to my fancy," had the feminine rotundity. He has heard a boté "beg a male Indian to submit to his caress," and he tells that "one little fellow, while in the agency boarding-school, was found frequently surreptitiously wearing female attire. He was punished, but finally escaped from school and became a boté, which vocation he has since followed."
Posing in woods 2019
I feel I am very much female like psychologically , wish to be identified as Female - roled I identify sexually very similar to a normal heterosexual female, in that I desire to be the partner / wife for a heterosexual man.
" I have no desire to be male, only to be female " ♥
I very much have always in my heart considered myself a " transsexual type ";
In that I have always wanted to feel like girl, be like a female for a male (straight) sexually.
At least since late 90's I have greatly desired the vaginoplasty type surgery, so I wouldn't have a penis, thus ,felt I could look sexually more female like for a boyfriend ♂️, and at same time remove the male-ness of having a penis. I clearly knew at this time, the more feminine I could feel the better, I felt about myself, and knew I wanted to be 100% fully physically emasculated into female sexual role, as I knew I was fully emasculated psychologically into female role, with no male type sexual identity.
I know there are alot of Transsexual Stories out there, many people with severe mental distress,taking extreme measures to fulfil the need to be opposite sex, so I am very glad I have been able to manage it, and not try to " Pass " as female.
I altered the above to reflex that I am much more female like then male,and have always desired to be female roled sexually.♀
My fineartamerica site
My " pinterest.com " site
My " vimeo " site
My " archive.org " site
Above is a video I made back in 1999,after modeling for a year, as well as " fully transitioning " to the female sexual role for men, and had become very " Active " with many men rountinely, Looking back , I do often wish I had made the effort to have the " " Sex reassignment surgery (male-to-female) have my penis replaced with female looking " Vulva" (Vulvoplasty and Zero Depth Vaginoplasty) done As far as my need for "Feminization" and the " Gender Dysphoria " having a penis is One thing
I don't like, and keeps me from being as feminine as I truly feel, so having a "Vulva" affirms my 100% emasculation of even being a male sexual, which I, 100% do not desire to ever wish to be male like sexually. I am very,very sure I am 100% female like psycho-sexually.
I think this portrays well,....how lady-like I feel inside
Only thing that would improve it, would be if I could be pregnant
I've cried out so many times while a man has his penis sliding in and out of my bottom like a friend is below ,
" I wish I could have your baby "
In the video below,(6:05) Rod talks about how the sexual invert needs a straight man to penetrate us, so we can become like a female, I 100% agree.
Thus, I am very dis-similar to this type person
I've always identified with lady boy type
-A transsexual's need for identity affirmation -
(I consider myself transsexual, because I would have had my penis replaced long ago if was rational/feasible and I very much desire to be in the female role sexually for a man, and publicly be able to be identified as a Female-roled male / sexually inverted male)
Transgender Identity Affirmation and Mental Health-
A Conceptual Formulation for Transgender Identity and Social Relationships
The complex array of experiences in social relationships, and their affects on mental health, can be conceptually understood in terms of four general processes:
Identity awareness: "Keeping the secret" about one’s transgender identity from others may, in itself, contribute to emotional distress (Cole et al. 2000). On the other hand, disclosing emotionally significant aspects of one’s self concept to others has long been suggested as contributing to mental health (Jourard, 1971).
Identity performance: Even if a transgender identity is revealed to others, a failure to act upon it in the context of the relationship may negatively affect mental health. Behavioral expressions of transgender identity, such as "cross dressing," may produce a sense of well-being. This was nicely demonstrated in a study by Blanchard and Steiner (1985). In a sample of 55 trans women, a scale of "social reorientation," based on reported cross-dressing and role-playing in four role contexts, was strongly associated with fewer depressive symptoms.
Identity congruence: Even if others are aware of transgender identity (identity awareness), and this identity is acted upon in the context of the relationship (identity performance), a failure of relationship partners to respond in terms of this identity may be disconcerting. A reciprocation of transgender identity (identity congruence) may contribute to mental health.
Identity support: If relationship partners respond in terms of a transgender identity (identity congruence) the content of this identity is critical. It may vary from ridicule and devaluation (identity rejection) to acceptance, positive reinforcement, and behavioral reciprocation (identity support). The type of behavioral response (rejection versus support) is seen as critically significant for the well being of transgender persons (Boswell, 1998).
What concerns me about the topic of Trans kids, It took myself a long time to figure out the degree of Female like I wished to look like, sexually I've always known that I was completely female roled, yet as far as surgery ,the only thing I had any true distress about is wishing / longing to have a female like vulva.
Today I am very content looking as I do below (image)
And because I feel fully psychologically emasculated, and feel that being in the female sexually-role is my correct sexual orientation.
Thus it is the motivator for liking,wanting to dress feminine,for myself to feel feminine, to look feminine for a man whom I want to have sex with or routinely was having sex with.As well as simply always wishing I could look and be female.I think a how Normal Female must enjoy looking feminine for herself and her man.
As for as " Knowing ", in early childhood, I can only say I was confused, in that I was worried at some point that " I should be a girl ", had been performing fellatio on boys since at age 6 .Yet, not until puberty, starting to actually ejaculating myself, then started to Autofellatio and thus began to ejaculate in my own mouth and swallow semen, my sexual orientation was becoming clearer.As I very much wanted to fellatio boys my age, so they would ejaculate in my mouth,which soon was,I think once I actually desired sexually to be in female-role only with males (started to be penetrated and recieve their semen inside my bottom) once this started to be my desire, I very much felt I should of been female (age 13).I also believe this was a very profound Emasculating event,(once taking semen up inside my bottom).
I personally relate to the following description I feel best suits me, yet this took me years to come to this conclusion;
The term berdache originates from the Arabic word bardaj (“slave” or “kept boy”). That word spread into western Europe, as a result of contact with the Muslim world, and became the Spanish term bardaxa/bardaje (person engaging in sodomy) and then the French term bardache (a boy kept by a pederast). While the Spanish and French originally used the term for male transvestites or the passive partner in sex between males, anthropologists later applied the term berdache to American Indians who assumed the dress, social status, and role of the opposite sex. - Encyclopaedia Britannica
I very much have always wanted to look like I am in the below video for a boyfriend.
I want him to know I want treated just like I really am a girl
I am so happy someone like Daphna Joel is showing that our bodies don't define who we are.♥
For myself, Daphna Joel's studies show how highly malleable,adaptable the human brain is, and likely are very much intersex throughout development of the fetus, thus not that unlikely that due to some abnormal event in my development, I was swayed toward feminine gender identity.
What is an example of neuroplasticity?
Simply put, the brain orders the body to adapt to suite its needs. Another example of neuroplasticity has been found in London taxi drivers. A cab driver's hippocampus -- the part of the brain that holds spatial representation capacity -- is measurably larger than that of a bus driver.
My own take on being Feminine and, or Masculine
From my experience in life, both women and men are equally guilty of supporting male / female stereotypical roles. For example I have seen women as much as men make fun of effeminate men , in some cases worst, thus empathy is not a trait that biological females natural have, I have seen empathy / altruism just as much in men as women.
I believe it doesn't matter what biological sex is when it comes to having
" Deficiency Cognition "
I believe society has been promoting,teaching Deficiency type Cognition for so long,society isn't even aware of what truly being " Human is ".
Thus this is good place to begin
Being Cognition Compared to Deficiency Cognition
1. Seen as whole, as complete, self-sufficient, as unitary. Either Cosmic Consciousness (Bucks), in which whole cosmos is perceived as single thing with oneself belonging in it; or else the person, object, or portion of the world seen is seen as if it were the whole world, i.e., rest of world is forgotten. Integrative perceiving of unities. Unity of the world or object perceived.
1. Seen as part, as incomplete, not self-sufficient, as dependent upon other things.
2. Exclusively, fully narrowly attended to; absorption, fascination, focal attention; total attention. Tends to de-differentiate figure and ground. Richness of detail; seen from many sides. Seen with "care," totally, intensely, with complete investment. Totally cathected. Relative importance becomes unimportant; all aspects equally important.
2. Attended to with simultaneous attention to all cause that is relevant. Sharp figure ground differentiation. Seen imbedded in relationships to all else in world,as part of the world. Rubricized; seen from some aspects only; selective attention and selective inattention to some aspects; seen casually, seen only from some point of view.
3. No comparing (in Dorothy Lee's sense). Seen per se, in itself, by itself. Not in competition with anything Else. Sole member of the class (in Hartman's sense).
3. Placing on a continuum or within a series; comparing, judging, evaluating. Seen as a member of a class, as an instance, a sample.
4. Relevant to human concerns; e.g., what good is it, what can it be used for, is it good for or dangerous to people, etc.
5. Made richer by repeated experiencing. More and more perceived. "Intra-object richness."
5. Repeated experiencing impoverishes, reduces richness, makes it less interesting and attractive, takes away its demand-character. Familiarization leads to boredom.
6. Seen as unneeded, as purposeless, as not desired, as unmotivated perceiving. Perceived as if it had no reference to the needs of the perceiver. Can therefore be seen as independent, in its own right.
6. Motivated perceiving. Object seen as need-gratifier, as useful or not useful.
7. Object-centering. Self-forgetful, ego-transcending, unselfish, disinterested. Therefore, it-centered. Identification and fusion of perceiver and perceived. So absorbed and poured into the experience that self disappears, so that whole experience can be organized around the object itself as a centering point or organizing point. Object uncontaminated and unconfused with self.
Abnegation of the perceiver.
7. Organized around ego as a centering point, which means projection of the ego into the per- ception. Perception not of the object alone but of the object mixed-with-self-of-the-perceiver.
8. The object is permitted to be itself. Humble, receptive, passive, choiceness, undemanding. Taoistic, noninterference with the object or percept. “Let be” acceptance.
8. Active shaping, organizing, and selecting by the perceiver. He shifts it, rearranges it. He works at it. This must be more fatiguing than B-cognizing, which probably is fatigue-curing.
Trying, striving, effort. Will, control.
9. Seen as end in itself, self-validating. Self-justifying. Intrinsically interesting for its own sake. Has intrinsic value.
9. A means, an instrument, not having self-contained worth but having only exchange value, or standing for something else, or a ticket to some other place.
10. Outside of time and space. Seen as eternal, universal. "A minute is a day; a day is a minute." Disorientation of perceiver in time and space, not conscious of surroundings. Percept not related to surroundings. Ahistorical.
10. In time and space. Temporal. Local. Seen in history, and in the physical world.
11. The characteristics of Being are perceived as Values of Being.
11. D-Values are means-values, i.e., usefulness, desirability-undesirability, suitability for a purpose. Evaluations, comparisons, condemnations, approvals, or disapprovals, judgments upon.
12. Absolute (because timeless and spaceless, because detached from the ground, because taken per se, because rest of world and history all forgotten). This is compatible with the perception of process and shifting, alive organizations within the perception-but it is strictly within the perception.
12. Relative to history, to culture, to characterology, to local values, to the interests and needs of man. It is-felt to be passing. Depends on man for its reality; if man were to disappear, it would disappear. Shifting from one syndrome to another as a whole, i.e., it is now a bit in this syndrome, now a bit in that syndrome.
13. Resolution of dichotomies, polarities, conflicts. Inconsistencies seen to exist simultaneously and to be sensible and necessary, i.e., to be seen as a higher unity or integration, or under a superordinate whole.
13. Aristotelian logic, i.e. separate things seen as dissected and cut off and quite different from each other, mutually exclusive, often with antagonistic interests.
14. Concretely (and abstractly) perceived. All aspects at once. Therefore ineffable (to ordinary language); describable if at all, by poetry, art, etc., but even this will make sense only to bee who has already had same experience. Essentially aesthetic experience (in Northrop's sense). Nonchoosing preferring or selecting. Seen in its muchness (different from the concrete perception of young children, of primitive adults, or of brain-injured people because it coexists with abstract ability).
14. Only abstract, categorized diagrammatic, rubricized, schematized. Classifying. Reduction to the abstract."
15. The idiographic object; the concrete, unique instance. Classification impossible (except for abstracted aspects) because sole member of its class.
15. Nomothetic, general, statistical lawfulness.
16. Increase of dynamic isomorphism between inner and outer worlds. As the essential Being of the world is perceived by the person, so also does he concurrently come closer to his own Being; and vice versa.
16. Decreased isomorphism.
17. Object often perceived as sacred, holy, every special." It demands" or Calls for" awe, reverence, piety, wonder.
17. Object Normal," everyday, ordinary, familiar, nothing special, Familiarized away."
18. World and self often (not always) seen as amusing, playful, comic, funny, absurd, laughable; but also as poignant. Laughter (which is close to tears). Philosophical humor, humors. World, person, child, etc., seen as cute, absurd, charming, lovable. May produce mixed laughing-crying. Fusion of comic-tragic dichotomy.
18. Lesser forms of humor, if seen at all. Serious things quite different from amusing things. Hostile humor, humorlessness. Solemnity.
19. Noninterchangeable. Not replaceable. No one else will do.
19. Interchangeable. Replaceable. Characteristics of Being-Cognition and Deficiency-Cognition of the World'
© 2020 Best Self USA. All rights reserved.
Nurture played a big part for myself being " Female-roled "
I am not sure why I wanted to perform fellatio on males when young, earliest time I recall was when about 6-7 years old,liked to do it, then at puberty when I started self-sucking, then wanted even more to suck other males,to taken semen orally, which quickly lead to having them penetrate me anally, thus I started taking semen in me anally, which I liked very much..I knew then I wanted to be only in female role for men
Joe talks with Abigail,
cocerning a "madness" that some so called trans people have constructed
After listening to the above conversation, It seems to be in large part a " peer pressure issue, a need to belong issue ".
A statement from a song " They can't even run their own life, how can they run mine ", pops in my head.
As well as some " Gas-lighting " going on.
I just like the following video, mainly because a cis-gender female is showing empathy for men that desire to feminine, female-roled.
PrEP for HIV Prevention:
I can relate to what is said in the above video, especially when the talk turns to "slut shaming ", as I made it my responsiblity to get tested for HIV once a month due to fact that I was performing sexually for so many men in my female role. Best intentions as havings guys wear a condom, often flew out the door,once a guy had me bent over ready to penetrate me, especially if I wanted him to ejaculate in in the first place,which was usually the case.
In the United States, HIV is spread mainly by
Having anal or vaginal sex with someone who has HIV without using a condom or taking medicines to prevent or treat HIV.
For the HIV-negative partner, receptive anal sex (bottoming) is the highest-risk sexual behavior, but you can also get HIV from insertive anal sex (topping).
Either partner can get HIV through vaginal sex, though it is less risky for getting HIV than receptive anal sex.
Sharing needles or syringes, rinse water, or other equipment (works) used to prepare drugs for injection with someone who has HIV. HIV can live in a used needle up to 42 days depending on temperature and other factors.
Less commonly, HIV may be spread
From mother to child during pregnancy, birth, or breastfeeding. Although the risk can be high if a mother is living with HIV and not taking medicine, recommendations to test all pregnant women for HIV and start HIV treatment immediately have lowered the number of babies who are born with HIV.
By being stuck with an HIV-contaminated needle or other sharp object. This is a risk mainly for health care workers.
In extremely rare cases, HIV has been transmitted by
Oral sex—putting the mouth on the penis (fellatio), vagina (cunnilingus), or anus (rimming). In general, there’s little to no risk of getting HIV from oral sex. But transmission of HIV, though extremely rare, is theoretically possible if an HIV-positive man ejaculates in his partner’s mouth during oral sex. To learn more about how to lower your risk, see Oral Sex and HIV Risk. -CDC
For myself, as much as I love "bare-backed,and allow a Man to cum in my bottom, I'd have to know him fairly well,and know he was safe.
Alot of guys, I'd ask if they pull out, get condom off, then cum in my mouth so I could swallow their cum.
Quite a " Human Experiment " they got going on in Iran.
I clearly remember this when I was 15
The Beauty of Events such as this parade, in one respect would be,
a individual like myself could go as observers, dressed as I feel expresses my being a transsexual type person. I could thus publicly be seen in the way I truly would like to dress in a everyday,common way
I don't think until one like myself, say dressed as I am above can walk down the street small town America , say in Galena,IL, and not feel threatened or it can be common place to see a individual like myself that is clearly a male that wishs to be female-roled.
This is also a setting or scenario where being with a female friend, and not a male friend is best, as if I was made fun of harassed, a male with me would be vulnerable to the situtation.
It's great that many Trans can transtition to the degree of passing as their targeted sex, and walk down the street undetectable as being Trans , yet that does no good as far as exposing society to the issue of being Trans.
And quite frankly my only interest isn't in passing as female, my only real desire to change my physical appearance is having GRS surgery so I can have female like vulva (zero-depth vaginoplasty). Yet I can't walk around pulling my skirt up to prove that I am Trans .
And for that matter pyschologically I am Trans today, or does a person have to have surgery to be Trans ?, I'd still be the same person, just would have genitals that fit my sexual indentity, which I have always dreamed of, yet I'm still same person with or without surgery. Yet the importantance for Trans people to be seen as Trans is much needed, simply to break thru the stigma, get public acceptance.
Once people like myself can be in public spaces, seen as Trans, not as Freaks, that opens the door to form friendships, people can see we are just people, in my case men and women just might feel able to show empathy for my situtation, talk to me in a constructive way , who knows which may lead to a relationship like I outline on my page about " Terrace " my ideal relationship.
As history shows in politics ; Whoever wins Midwest , wins ;" This region has largely been where our national elections have been won or lost since the Civil War."
Thus maybe Parades need to take place in small towns in America like Galena, or Dubuque Iowa etc.
Especially emphasizing Trans identity
For myself, I think this look expresses my Feminity well enough to actually go out in public, though I don't think I have nerve to wear the flower in my hair just yet.