Can One's Sexual Orientation be Changed ?

   I honestly don't know what my sexual orientation would be, if the following events hadn't taken place

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7-2-2022

                                I've very much tried to change my sexual orientation

                                    and my only desire is to be a " surrogate female "

                                                          For a Male donkey or Dog

 

I personally know my sexual role is firmly set as a Female-receptive zoosexual, because my ideal Male lover is either a jack donkey or large bred intact Male dog, and if I were to become sexually active again for some reason after being celibate since 2001.

       I would only seek a jack donkey or large breed intact male dog as my Male lover

I know I am so extremely psychologically emasculated it would be harmful for me to even consider trying to be with females due to my history of exhibitionistic behavior and troilism behavior manifesting each time I attempted to be with female.

It is harmful with human males because of my "Slut" behavior and STD's.

I have been a female-receptive partner for males on a daily basis from 1975 to 2001,

in those years, I guess I've had sex with close to a thousand different men in my female-receptive role, I have been breed by Edward my jack donkey lover many thousands of times over the course of 21 years with him, a Stallion horse a dozen or so times, Max my great dane lover hundreds of time, and a large male blood hound a dozen or so times.

And my sexual role never has changed, my desired partners remain pretty much the same as I was when 13 years old.

Which at age 13, I first started masturbating and sucking my jack donkey Edward's penis

until he ejaculated in my mouth so I could ingest his semen(spring 1975).

I continued doing this as often as able to (3-4 times a week at least) until August of 1975, at which time I was seduced by a black male classmate, he wanted me to suck his penis.

I was very willing to !, after watching him showering nude in the gym locker room, as I sat on the bench at my locker, then having him walk up to me with his big black cock swaying then him saying to me " I'll let you suck it you want to ".

                                                     (I was always ingesting their semen)

By the end of that week, I was sucking his cock every night after school, by the end of the next week I was sucking his cock and his older friend's cock almost daily.

By the end of that week, I was given a 2 foot double-ended dildo to me, then instructed by the older black friend on how to clean and prepare my bottom so I could be female-receptive for them.

That weekend I practiced cleaning/preparing my bottom, so I be ready to be female-receptive for my boyfriends Monday.

Monday evening my older boyfriend fucked me like I was a girl, while I sucked my classmates penis. (the first time I'd been double-teamed)

I was already craving to suck my boyfriend's cocks constantly, now that my older boyfriend had just easily slid his big thick cock all the way up inside me without it hurting, and actually felt wonderful, now I craved being female-roled/receptive.

-And I was very eager to have Edward start breeding me like I was a female-

 

        "Having Edward's penis up inside me was very much my number 1 desire at that time"

                         " Once I knew I could accommodate my two boyfriend's large cocks "

              I am simply far to Deeply Psychologically Emasculated 

                                                 I can only perform sexually in the Female-Role

              

 

I put the above excerpt from the article;

                          " Childhood sexual abuse contributes to homosexuality"

I put it here because of being on the topic of how I learned to successful take men's cocks

up inside my bottom, and the Pederasty aspect, because my older boyfriend was 17 years

old, and he soon introduced me to several adult men who were even older who I started performing fellatio on, as well desired to have them penetrate my bottom.

Thus, in about a month's time I was having sex with 3 adult men routinely.

By October, Edward was penetrating me routinely, and I'd ended my relationships with all my boyfriends, I was only having sex with Edward.

   Looking back, I think I was 100% emasculated psychologically with no possible

   chance of ever being a heterosexual male, or any chance of being in the Male role

   successfully, "I have never had the desire to penetrate another with my penis".

 

 I know I haven't had even the slightest bit of desire to be like a man sexually since 1997, at which time I gave up trying to be a Man for a female in a very short lived relationship after it manifested into the troilism behavior, followed by the intense need to expose myself to unsuspecting females.

Especially after this happened,

                       I knew 100% that I needed to 100% female-roled/receptive;

"Most times, once I pulled up into her view at the window, then the female reacted to seeing me

exposed, I never would be holding or stroking my penis, I wanted her to be able to see it completely in view, be able to watch as my semen shot out of my penis forcefully, I tried to look "Manly for her ", I'd hand her my money and a small note that read;

"I am sorry, for exposing myself in front of you, I've been sucking cock my whole life, and I am trying to be a Real Man, yet I now know I can't be".

" Once I had exposed my self to female at a drive-up, I'd often return the next day/night

in hopes that she might be working and I could again expose myself to her, on several occasion this was possible.

On one of the occasions (1997) one of the females said to me as I was paying her and ejaculating at the same time;

                      " I'd like to watch you sucking my boyfriend's big black cock "

 I was so excited when she said that, looked in my rear-view mirror, no car was waiting, so I told her I could give her my phone number and if she would like to watch me suck him I would love to, she replied yes, grabbed a pen, I then told her my phone number as she wrote it on a napkin.

To my amazement the she called me that night, told me she'd talked to her boyfriend, and he agreed to let me suck his cock while she watched.

I asked her when I could do that, she told me they could  meet me at a park that evening, they'd pick me up and I could suck his cock as they drove around.

I agreed and that evening I was sucking her boyfriend's beautiful big black cock as she sat in the back seat looking over as I sucked him as he drove, I was fully clothed, yet I ejaculated in my pants soon after I started sucking, just knowing she was watching me sucking a Real Man's big cock made

me have a orgasm.

After he'd ejaculated in my mouth they drove me back to my car, and told me they'd be calling me again., I told them I'd like that, and also said; " I like to get fucked if you's wish ".

The next date with them, he did fuck me wearing a condom.

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Though the fact that I was sodomized by a adult male (Mike) at age 6 greatly effected my sexual development by creating a shame type trauma, the fact that my parent divorcing not long before the sexual encounter also set me in a very traumatized state prior to being sodomized.

Then soon followed by;

 

# Growing up with a sociopathic step-father,

   Such as watching him and my mom having sex soon after he moved in with us(age 6)
because my bedroom had a door that opened directly into my mom's bedroom, I'd see
him walking though my bedroom in middle of the night naked to get the bathroom just outside the main door of my bedroom.


Always prior to them having sex and after, seeing his big semi-erect penis swaying about as he walked, through my bedroom to to the bathroom this happened a few times because he never completely shut the door to mom's room, my eyes well adjusted to the dark, I could get out of bed and watch as they had sex, which often included watching my mom sucking his big erect penis. After not so many nights of experiencing this, I soon was imagining sucking my new step-father's penis, and very much desired to suck his penis.

I also found myself wanting to suck Mike's penis, the young adult male who had sodomized me only a month or so earlier.

​                                                     Mike penetrating my bottom age 6

                             

   I was very traumatized at time and only vaguely recall mental images of sucking Mike's penis

   I recall being penetrated anally best because the the tight feeling of his big cock in me, soreness         afterwards from my bottom being penetrated, yet unable to fully recall the actual sucking Mike's           penis, yet recall the smell and taste of his semen.

   I mostly recall recall my step-sister and her older cousin, Mike's sister stripping my clothes off me         prior to Mike coming into the old shed we all were in, then one of them sliding a stick of butter into       my bottom, then Mike's big penis sliding deep up into me, taking my breath away, all the while I was

   silent, like frozen in disbelief.

Age 7
Not long after that a neighborhood friend and I were playing in the woods, I don't recall why he and I stripped naked and ran about in the woods, I do know I wanted to suck his penis, I don't think I even asked him if I could suck his penis, I simply walked to him, got on my knees in front of him and started sucking it.
To this day, I can remember how much I loved the feel and taste of his penis in my mouth,
He seemed to like me suck his penis, so I would continue to suck his penis (yet he never ejaculated in my mouth) regularly until summer between 6th and 7th grade. 

Age 12   Sexually molested by Scout leader, and quit the Scouts due to the molestation.

Complex Trauma: What is it and how does it affect people?

Complex Trauma is defined as the exposure to multiple, often interrelated forms of traumatic experiences AND the difficulties that arise as a result of adapting to or surviving these experiences.

                         Unearthing the Brontosaurus in the Basement

Despite being embraced by numerous international psychological associations and many multidisciplinary and clinical service-oriented networks and organization in the United States, some American medical associations and academically oriented research societies have opposed the notion of complex trauma precisely because of its complexity, and with it, its inability to fit neatly into pre-established boxes:

This statement above " 

                                    " its inability to fit neatly into pre-established boxes:"

Is one reason I am writing this journal, due to my difficulty finding educated mental health professionals who are well versed in sexual trauma, manifestations arising from sexual trauma in early childhood.

The Impact of Childhood Sexual Abuse on Adult Sexuality

Three commonly experienced symptoms of childhood sexual abuse are also cornerstones of sexual addiction: compulsivity (the inability to control one’s behavior), shame, and despair.

For men struggling with childhood sexual abuse and sexual addiction, learning to abstain from problematic sexual behaviors that reinforce abusive sexual scripts is just as important as learning how to develop healthy intimate bonds and create a sexual identity that is affirming.

For myself I've spent a life time psychologically emasculating myself by seeking affirmation from my male donkey lover Edward then human Men, striving to be a viable female-roled/receptive partner for them, trying to show them I wanted to be the best sexual partner for them I could be in my female-receptive role or as a surrogate female partner of sorts.

A element of my sexual encounter at age 6; 

                                                    Similar to dilemma below

Some women who have experienced the tragedy of sexual assault go on to be tormented by tremendous psychological turmoil over sexual fantasies of rape and forceful sex. They describe being angry and upset with themselves, confused that they and their bodies are responding with sexual arousal to a fantasy similar to an event that was so traumatic and devastating.

           For me, I felt for quite a few years that if Mike the adult male who forcefully had                         penetrated me at age 6, appeared in my life at age 13, I'd submit to him sexually.

                                     and at times have felt glad he did what he did

                                  because I truly love being Female-roled/receptive

        So in my case, No I don't think there is any way to change my sexual role/orientation.

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         The following I'd say was Monumental Moment for knowing my sexual role

                                                                                   and

         knowing that I couldn't change that I was a 100% female-roled/receptive only

  excerpts from my "started performing sexual for men" page

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The Key defining dynamics of the Scenario above were;

1. The simply fact that the Troilism behavior began soon after trying to be intimate with

   a female partner, I should of ended that relationship instantly knowing the same thing

   occurred in 1986 after trying to be intimate with a female partner.

   Yet I ignored that notion, and soon my female friend was having sex with other men,       then telling me about her encounters, at my request so I could be erotically                         humiliated.

               

               About a month after my girlfriend had started being with other Men

   My female friend just happened to ask me why I was so excited by knowing that other     men were fucking her, then being told about it, I really was sure I told her, she then           told me that she wanted to watch me as I sucked one of her boyfriend's big cock.

   She then asked if I'd ever sucked a guy's cock, I told her I had, and I'd suck her                   boyfriend's cock as she watched.

2. My exhibitionistic behavior had been going on intensely since my girlfriend started 

    seeing other men, once I started exposing my erect penis to the female drive-up                attendants then involuntarily ejaculated in front off them, the erotic aspect of it was so

    profoundly intense, I just ignored again the 1986 troilism/exhibitionistic behavior            that was repeating itself.

3. When Rachel the drive-up window attendant said to me after I'd just got do                          ejaculating in front of her;

                " I'd like to watch you sucking my boyfriend's big black cock " 

    When Rachel said that to me it was like the weight of the world lifted off me, here was      Rachel a complete stranger telling me in essence what I needed to be doing instead of      doing this crazy exhibitionistic stuff so I could express my be a man, now she was              offering me a solution, a way to end this madness!

4. By Rachel allowing her boyfriend Albert to take me as his female-receptive slut, it very

    much made me realize that is the only role that I can realistically be in.

    Rachel would later tell me that she had 4 older brothers, and one of them was                    homosexual and also had a similar problem of exposing himself to females, and once      he started having sex with men he no longer had a interest in exposing himself to              females. Rachel went on to then saywhen I read the note you handed me;

 

             -I am sorry, I've been sucking cock my whole life, and I am trying to be a Real Man-

     the first thought that popped into my mind is; this guy is fooling himself, there no-           way he can ever be a Straight Man now after sucking cock for so long, So I offer you a       way to prove that your not a Real Man, at least in the context that a Real Women               desires.

     Rachel continued by saying " I very much wanted my "Real Man" Albert to show you         that your not a Real Man, your a feminine guy who loves being treated like a female,

     and you should be proud of that, besides I love watching you squirming and                       whimpering as Albert fucks every aspect of being a real man out of you, call me a              sadistic bitch...but I like see you getting fucked"

      In reality Rachel isn't a sadistic bitch, she is very compassionate, she was only making

      the point that I had to be the way I needed to be, and needed to stop trying to be              some thing else!

In General it seems no one knows how successful it is to Change Sexual Orientation

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In my case, I know the few times I tried to be like a Real Heterosexual Man,    it lead to Troilism behavior, which manifested into Extreme Exhibitionistic behavior

Everybody is different, and I know that I would never again attempt to change

my sexual orientation, I'm a Female-Roled Zoosexual, and though celibate now

22 years, I'm still a Female-Roled Zoosexual.

   The 1997 episode of Troilism/Exhibitionistic behavior

                          was the most terrible time in my entire life !