Being a Exhibitionist and Troilism disorder

                                                                                                (being cuckolded by a female)

The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) describes the essential feature of  exhibitionism and the other paraphilias as recurrent, intense, sexual urges and sexually arousing fantasies generally involving nonhuman objects, the suffering or humiliation of oneself or partner, or children or other non consenting persons. The diagnostic criteria for Exhibitionism is:

A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving the exposure of one's genitals to an unsuspecting stranger.

B. The person has acted on these urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.

In general, professionals disagree whether exhibitionism should be considered a disorder of impulse control or whether it falls within the spectrum of obsessive-compulsive disorders (OCD's).

     

                                  1985 first encounter with Exhibitionistic and Troilism behavior

1. I met girlfriend,(Sally) started trying to be intimate with her, I started performing cunnilingus on my             female friend Sally summer of 1985, I tried being like a straight male for her but found it to be very

   Egodystonic ( referring to thoughts and behaviors (dreams, compulsions,   desires, etc.) that are in          conflict, or dissonant, with the needs and goals of the ego, or, further, in conflict with a person's ideal          self-image.

    I confessed to Sally that I had been a female-receptive partner for men by age 13, yet then became            exclusively a female-receptive partner for my male pony, jack donkey and dog lovers

    At that time I was living with Ted, Tanner and Temper, my male dog lovers, Edward, Jackabee and              Tigger my jack donkey partners all of who were breeding me very frequently.

  

   

2. Started asking her if she would cuckold me (troilism behavior)

3 Once she did start cuckolding me, the obsessive complusive exhibitionistic behavior began
  (I started driving around nude masturbating, then pull up to a fast food drive-up window that I could see      a  female was working, then with a full erection I pull up to the window, as I paid her and she handed me    my order, once I knew  she could see I was erect, I start having a leg shaking, convulsive type orgasm      and ejaculate during the event.


4. Sally had been cuckolding me for about 3 months, when started exposing my self at drive-up windows      for females all that time as often as possible, Sally had a intact male Irish wolfhound, "Cunnington",            one day she told me that she like to watch me perform fellatio on Cunnington, and get bred by him.

    I'd wanted Cunnington as a male partner since the first time I met him, so when Sally told me it was ok      to let Cunnington start breeding me as she watched us breed I was very happy, soon I was                        successfully  being bred by Cunnington as I performed cunnilingus on Sally.

    Sally and I remained friends and I continued to be a surrogate female partner for Cunnington until his        death in 1989, Sally and I continued with our routine of me just performing cunnilingus on her.

    Sally wanted/needed a new large dog to fill the void of losing Cunnington

                    By spring of 1990 Sally had a male great dane puppy " Chip"

                    By summer of 1991 I became Chip's female partner to breed.

                          (Chip intensively bred me at least every other day until 2001)

     

                        

                                          After Edward's passing in 1996                                  

 

                                   My Exhibitionistic and Troilism behavior begins again.

 

 

#. I was bugging Sally again about cuckolding me again in hopes she could met a guy who would fuck          me and treat me like his slut while she watched, she soon was having sex with a guy and telling me          about it as I performed cunnilingus on her.


#. Started exposing myself at drive-thru windows again as had in 1985 when with Sally started cuckolding      me.

 

#. I checked myself into a hospital because suicidal ideations was there a week.


#. Started seeing a psychologist weekly, discussing the troilism/cuckolding and exhibitionistic behaviors.


#. Relapsed within a week was exposing myself again.


#. Went through Rachels drive-up window twice, two days in a row, first time I gave her the sorry note           about me sucking cock all my life yet attempting to be a real man now.


#. Second time through Rachels drive-up, she told me she wanted to watch me suck her boyfriend's cock.


#. That night I was sucking her boyfriend's cock (Albert) as she watched, I asked if I could be fucked by          Albert, was actually begging to be fucked by Albert, they said yes.


#. The next night Albert fucked me. and he would continue to fuck me or have me give him a blow job            routinely until 2010. (at least once a month)

#. Arrested for a 2 week prior, exposing myself at a drive-up incident .

#. I knew with certainty I'd never expose myself self again, between the emasculation of being cuckolded

and the emasculation of being seen by females in such pathetical way when exposing myself to them, then being clearly being  femininized with Rachel and Albert, I was re-emasculated as a submissive slut for human males, Albert beautifully was able to "break me in" as a "submissive slut":

                      I knew My Role very clearly at this Time, the confusion was gone

                                                                       Troilism

 (troilism n. 1. sexual activity in which one person (a troilist) enjoys observing his or her usual partner in sexual activities with a third person)

               "For me it was a form of self-induced psychologically emasculation"

The term emasculation may be used metaphorically to refer to the loss of a man's masculinity. A man is said to be emasculated when he loses, or is deprived of, a characteristic traditionally associated with being a man-wikipedia

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My first encounter with the troilism dilemma was when attempting to have a relationship with a female partner in mid 1980's, after a very short while into our relationship I found myself asking her if she'd like to have a Man to have sex with, at first her response was " No ", after I kept bugging her, telling her it was ok if she did, that the idea really turned me on.

After a week or so she told me that there was a guy from her work that kept flirting with her, and she'd like to tell him yes,, that she'd sleep with him.

Thus in a short time she was routinely having sex with him (several times a week), Maybe after 3 or 4 months she was very serious about just having sex with him and only wanted to be with him, which I told her I understood, it wasn't long and before she ended our relationship. 

                                                          Troilism manifests into ;

                                                          Becoming an exhibitionist

After my girlfriend started to have sex with a Man, I was soon pulling up to drive-up windows when I'd see a female attendant was working it, I'd have with my pants down and penis fully erect, make an order then proceed to the window, I wouldn't be even touching my penis, it would just be sticking straight up and rock hard with excitement.

Once I seen that she was looking at my penis, I'd most often, instantly begin to have the most intense orgasm I'd ever known, my semen would shoot all over the front of me as I handed her my money or when she was giving me my order all the while her observing me ejaculate.

I'd slowly drive off, even hoping she'd get my plate number and call the police.

 Once my girlfriend started having sex with another man, I was obsessed and then as often as possible I'd expose myself this way during the 3-4 months of our relationship, it consumed my thoughts.

          Masochism Explained: The Self-Sabotaging Personalitypsychologytoday.com

                    I believe masochism was a huge aspect of this behavior in my case;

Masochistic individuals have been described as “nice guys” and display pathological levels of what R.F. Bornstein coined "interpersonal dependency" (i.e. "destructive overdependence"), including indeciveness, passivity, and an excessive need for approval. 

                          I think I was thriving on erotic humiliation, which has been a trait of mine which

                          I feel is why my condition manifested into me wanting to be called a slut by my 

                          male sex partners, used like a slut, exposing myself at the drive-up windows, though

                          highly erotic also highly humiliating.

                          I think that is why whenever I could be observer by a female as I was sucking a guys

                          cock or when being fucked by a guy was what I wanted most or the most erotic situation

                          I've ever been in, and a huge motivator for me to seek troilism, thus allowing me the 

                          chance of having me be seen by a female as a Real Man turned me into his submissive

                          sex slut.

                             In turn Affirming my role as a submissive female-receptive male

Thats the last time I tried being with female or anyone other the Edward, that is until after his death in 1996.

         The exhibitionistic behavior ended once ending the attempt to be heterosexual

The mystery to me at the time was " Why was I even trying to be with a female intimately in 1985 and then again in 1997, I was very content being a female surrogate partner for Edward my jack donkey, my male Dobermann Ted yet I met a lady, " Sally "while doing some carpentry work for her, I started performing cunnilingus on Sally summer of 1985.

Other than social pressure from family and friends, someone always asking " when are you

going to get a girlfriend", maybe my own curiosity, the opportunity was there, yet in my heart I loved being  Edward's female receptive partner,(1986) sure socially it was a issue, yet it was the way it had to be because, I simply could not be viable as heterosexual partner for a female, yet I thought maybe I could be, I thought wrong!

I turned old being traumatic, because of the troilism, being cuckolded, the humiliation and shame of turning in to a exhibitionist. 

                                        Then the whole thing happened again in 1997

                   "it was as though Ignored the signs/patterns of the 1986 occurrence"

 

 

                                            Troilism behavior begins again - 1997

 

 

After Edward's death in spring of 1997, I'd been cutting my own hair for years, then after a very hot day of working outside, my hair long since because the last time I'd cut it was October of 1996.

Needing changes in my life, my hair driving me crazy and about 6pm or so, I opened the phone book and started calling salons, finally I had someone answer, she "Sally" told me if I hurried, she would cut my hair, it was about a 15-minute drive.

Whatever time it was, it was dark out, the door was locked, yet lights on inside so I knocked on the door, and thankfully a the stylist opened the door and greeted me by saying, " you are Michael I hope, case I was getting ready to close-up and head home.

Any way she cut my hair, we had a great talk as she cut my hair, I then started having her cut my hair routinely mainly because her salon was open in evenings.

Maybe after 2-3 times of her cutting my hair, I asked if she would like to go ice skating, she told me she was seeing someone so she couldn't, so I left it at that, yet once I got home the phone rang and it was her.

She told me she hadn't been ice skating in a long time, and wanted to go to the New Ice skating rink which recently opened, and that she'd go with me.

To make a long story short, the following evening she came to my place, we kissed/made-out, then I ended up going down on her and performing cunninglingus on her until she had multiple intense orgasms.

This became routine, she liked me performing cunninglingus on her and she could just see me for companionship and have me perform cunninglingus on her.

The Troilism topic came up as we talked one day about my past relationships and about if it was ok about her just using me for sex, I explained to her that I  been a submissive homosexual 100% female-roled male, she wasn't surprised and had wondered if I might like men.

I was afraid to reveal to her that my male sexual partner had been a jack donkey for the last 21 years, and I not really planned our relationship to turn sexual, yet I did very much desire a platonic relationship with her at first

 Yet it did excite me very much about the idea of a Man having sex with both her and I at the same time, and very much excited me of her watching me as I sucked a man's penis or he butt fucked me, the Idea of her watching me being a submissive female-roled partner for a Man very much excited me.

To my surprise, she told me that there was a guy she knew well, who's hair she had cut for years and had for years he'd very much expressed that he wanted to have sex with her, to the point where he'd often pull his erect penis out for her to see! yet she'd always refused him.

She explained that she never had sex with him, yet also said she be tempted in part because he had the biggest penis she'd ever seen 10 inches and thick. (I'll refer to him as 10inch here after)

She then said the idea of watching me suck his big cock turned her on, because she'd never seen a guy sucking a cock in person before.

I told her that the idea of her watching me suck cock excited me immensely, her reply was " next time I see him I'll tell him that he can fuck me " , then if that goes ok, we'll work on getting his cock in your mouth and bottom both !

It wasn't but a few days when she called me and told me her 10 inch friend just had got done fucking her, I asked her if she liked it, her reply was " I very much liked it ", when I asked her if she was planning on seeing him again?, her reply was " I told him that he could fuck me all he wanted and he was going to tommorrow".

I wasn't actually seeing her very often, yet after our first sexual encounter after ice skating we talked on phone nearly every night for at least a hour, our normal routine was she called me about 9-10pm every night we'd talk until we were to tired.

She soon was having sex with her 10inch friend at least twice a week, and she explained she was trying to figure out how she could ask him about letting me suck his cock and/or having him butt fuck me while she watched, she said she really wanted to see me with his big cock in my mouth and bottom, I very much believed she really did want to see.

She finally asked him after about a week, his reply was " he'd think about it, and he wanted to meet me first"

Her plan was to, get him to come down to salon for a hair cut as her last appointment of the evening, then she call let me know he was there, I could just pop in the salon and say hi to her then leave, that way he could see me. She had already told him that I was a very submissive female-roled bottom type homosexual, and that I just was wanting to suck his big cock while she watched. 

I patiently waited to meet her boyfriend, finally she called me after a few days and told me he was there at the salon, hurry down because as soon as they were done cutting his hair they were going to his place and fuck the rest of the night.

I quickly hopped in the car and headed to town, it was a good 15 minute drive to the salon, all I could think about was " will he like me, if he does maybe he will let me give him a blow-job right there in the salon".

Once there I stuck my head in salon door and said hi, my girlfriend just said hi and quickly hurried or to the door, then said loudly to me so he could hear; "I can't talk right now, and the salon is closed please call tomorrow to make a appointment, then locked the door.

I just walked back to the car, drove around awhile, then next thing I knew I pulled into a vacant parking  lot took off all my clothes, then started driving around masturbating and looking for a drive up where a female attendent working at the window.

All the while as I drive thinking about my girlfriend and Real Man having sex, wishing I was there watching, hoping just maybe she might at least ask him that before he ejaculates he might pull out, then walk over to me and stick his big 10 cock in my mouth and ejaculate.

Yet here I am, in my car, my cock rock hard, and to get my mind off them, I need to find

a female to show my hard cock to, then have her see me ejaculate, how primitive I thought, yet that didn't stop me.

           It was though I had completely pushed out of my mind the troilism of 1986

                                                                          and

                             the same exhibitionistic behavior  it manifested

All I knew this troilism thing was taking a toll on me and now the exhibitionist thing was going take a toll on me but I was obsessed and couldn't stop, the erotic enticement of was so mind fogging it was though when one was terrible sick with the flu, then gets over it and a week later when feeling great and normal, one forgets how badly you truly felt.

                  At that moment though I wasn't trying to think any longer, I needed the

                    though of my girlfriend and her lover having sex without me gone.

                            It didn't take me long, and I was pulled up to a drive-up

                            feeling pathetic, and ejaculating as the female attendant

                                                          handed me my order

 

 

                                          My Exhibitionistic behavior had begun again

 

                                                  Becoming a exhibitionist again

My method in 1986 was ;

        Once I'd see that a female that appeared to be at least 18 years old was working at the drive-up window, I'd place a order, then proceed to the drive-up window, I was completely naked or had my pants off, my penis would be extremely hard and erect, I though I wanted her to see me looking manly, and be able to watch as I ejaculated.

                                                    In reality I wanted humiliation

It was different then the 1986 occurrence in that, now I'd put a really tight brass cock-ring on so as I played with my penis as I drove into town, by the time I was in town and driving around my penis was so swollen and erect purple veins sticking out and testes were so swollen and purple, once it reaches this point my penis was stuck at being
swollen and erect and I had no need to even touch it.

This add to the exhibition/exposing myself problem, now my penis was going stay erect by it's self, yet be uncomfortable due to the swelling only got worst until I found a drive-up and ejaculated.

The problem was I could drive around for hours looking for a new drive-up, thus wasting more time, feeling more guilt/shame, there were times my testes and penis were so swollen, and stiff I though I have to go to the hospital and have the brass ring  cut off of me, I have to put ice on it,  just to get the ring off so the erection would

end ever after ejaculating.

                                                  It was different now then in 1986

This time whether I began ejaculating or not as soon as I knew the female attendant had seen my hard penis, I'd hand her my money and a small note that read;

 "I am sorry, for exposing myself in front of you, I've been sucking cock my whole life, and I am trying to be a Real Man, yet I now know I can't be".

If I hadn't already started ejaculating the moment I was handing my money and the note, and I knew she'd seen me naked and erect, I'd usually start ejaculating after she read the note then looked back down at me when she was handing back my change or order, I always ejaculated intensely before leaving her view.

The longer it took waiting, by sitting there so vulnerable and exposed, the more intense the whole event became just sitting there with my penis ready to explode with cum.

 

                     I often was Wishing I was sucking a Man's cock for her to see

 

I'd feel terrible after a short while, once I was driving away knowing what I just did.

              After waiting for Sally's lover have me start sucking his cock

              nearly a 4 months now, since that first night. I had been exposing myself

              at drive-up windows almost every day at least once, (30-40 times in a month)

I used to dream of pulling up to the drive-up window with a Male partner driving and me sucking his cock (this never happened)

Once I had exposed myself to female at a drive-up, I'd often return the next day/night

in hopes that she might be working, and I could again expose myself to her, this happened often, there were females that I exposed myself to several times a week.

                 

On one of the occasions one of the females said to me as I was paying her and ejaculating at the same time;

                     " I'd like to watch you sucking my boyfriend's big black cock "

 

I knew she'd read the my note last night when I gave it to her "I am sorry, for exposing myself in front of you, I've been sucking cock my whole life, and I am trying to be a Real Man, yet I now know I can't be")

             I was so excited by the idea of her watching me suck her boyfriend's cock,

I looked in my rear-view mirror, no car was waiting, so I told her I could give her my phone number, if she would really like me watch me suck him I would, she replies; "yes I really think you need a cock to suck instead of doing what your doing",

She then went and grabbed pen, I then told her my number as she wrote it on the note I gave her yesterday !, then she said she'd ask him when I get home.

To my amazement, she (Rachel) called me that night, told me she'd talked to her boyfriend, and he agreed to let me suck his cock while she watched.

I asked her when could I do that, she told me they could  meet me at a park that evening, they'd pick me up and I could suck his cock as they drove around.

I agreed and that evening I was sucking her boyfriend's(Albert) beautiful big black cock as she sat in the back seat looking over as I sucked him as he drove, I was fully clothed, yet I ejaculated in my pants soon after I started sucking,  just knowing she was watching me made me have a orgasm. 

Albert flooded my mouth with cum, I looked at Rachel as I swallowed it all down then thanked her for rescuing me from my madness and letting me suck Albert's cock.

After he'd ejaculated in my mouth they drove me back to my car, and told me they'd be calling me again., I told them I'd like that, and also said; " I like to get fucked if you's wish ". (continued below)

                                      Albert gives me a good " Buck Breaking"

                                                  as Rachel watches

What is buck breaking?

Mainly utilized by slave owners in the Caribbean, buck breaking was used against male slaves who were seen as defiant. The process involved the slaveowner forcing the enslaved man to lower his pants and bend over a tree stump to ensure that his buttocks were propped up into the air. The enslaved man would then be flogged severely. This would weaken him so that he would not be able to resist the rape that followed. The white slaveowner would then proceed to rape the slave several times.

This form of punishment was worsened by the fact that it would be done in full view of all the other enslaved people, including the slaves’ family and friends. In an addition to being sexually violated the slave would also be publicly humiliated. This public punishment would instill fear in other slaves and thus prevent any further rebellion.

Enslaved men who were victims of this vile punishment often ran away from the plantations or killed themselves as they were unable to deal with the humiliation that they had suffered. It was often too difficult for them to integrate back into a society that had watched them being emasculated in front of their wife, children, and friends.

 

 Buck Breaking: The Use of Sexual Violence Against Enslaved Men as Punishment for Wrongdoing

                                                                                                                    - historyofyesterday.com

In the Urban Dictionary, “buck breaking” is defined as “essentially black men being dominated by white men sexually.

 

 

 

 

 

   I don't want to make light of the horrible nature of how these slave men were emasculated, only show

   that being male and being raped by men, is a powerful trauma, I adapted by becoming accepting my

   emasculation, and making the best of it by trying to be the best submissive female-roled male possible.

I knew I was fully emasculated after being Edward's female surrogate for 21 years, trying to even be a viable male partner for a female was foolish. 

At least in my case, Once I was fully psychological emasculated, and I'm certain I was by age 13, there was no changing into a heterosexual male.

After Edward's death I was already in a state of confusion, I'd liked performing sexually for men in the past,

prior to being in a  fully monogamous relationship with Edward, he was my Man and the only man I wanted.

My main reason I didn't want to try being with Men after Edward's death was; I knew it was unlikely that a man would take me as his full-time live with, female-roled partner.

          I was in a psychological nightmare the minute I tried be a heterosexual male.

                    in essense I was trying my own self induced conversion therapy

                                                                  and

                                 I'm so femininized and emasculated already 

    The troilism and exhibitionistic behavior diffinitely proved how emasculated I was!

Conversion therapy,  is the pseudoscientific practice of attempting to change an individual's sexual orientationgender identity, or gender expression to align with heterosexual and cisgender norms.

There is a scientific consensus that conversion therapy is ineffective at changing a person's sexual orientation and can cause significant, long-term psychological harm

 

I believe this is true to in regards to my sexual orientation as a female-roled zoosexual, I very much have always wanted to be just a " female-roled zoosexual ", and if not for the laws, I would only now have a large breed intact male dog as my lover/partner.

Continued from above; "asking if Albert would fuck me"

 

The next night Albert man handled me with a hard fucking and like a slut like me likes it, and needs it, in order to put in in my "Role", I was begging him to allow me to be his slut!

 

He was very kind to me, yet also put me in place as a submissive sissy slut for him to use, he man handled me beautifully, yet rewarded me by telling me he loved how I loved to suck cock, how he liked my tight bottom and how I savored swallowing his cum.

And especially by telling me; " he wanted me as his "Slut" to use whenever he wanted".

I told both Rachel and Albert I very much want to be Albert's slut and I wanted used 7 days a week if they wanted me. I told them I suck Albert's cock at lunch anytime, I also told them that if that knew of any Men that might want to use me as their slut as well, I be willing to meet them, if they'd be kind, safe and treat me with respect.

Albert told me I didn't need to worry about getting fucked any more, and he told me that I be getting intensely fucked by some guys he knew every night if at all possible.

I would continue this with them as often as possible, very routinely., though they'd come to my place, or I'd go to their place, we wouldn't drive around like first time.

The great thing about seeing them was, because they had a monogamous relationship Albert could always ejaculate in my month or bottom, without me being concerned about STD's.

Besides the excitement of being watched by Rachel as her Man treated me like a slut, was a thing I really liked about being with them.

I could become friends with her, and she would confide in me often that since they started using me as his slut, she told me their sex life had become so much better and secure, this made me feel very useful.

After I meeting Rachel and Albert and Clyde I quit exposing myself, however about 2 weeks had passed, and I was Arrested for indecent exposure, I was lucky though, the judge told me if I went to a counselor, and didn't ever do this again, they'd expunge this from my record in a year since this was my first and only charge for indecent exposure. "I felt very fortunate, it could have been much worse"

After about a year, one night Rachel, Abert and I, along with their rottweiler Cylde were on their patio having drinks, and like often, I was bottom-less and caged, it was hot, so I was just wearing a padded bikini top, Albert as he sat on a patio chair pulled his shorts off then told me to get him hard then ride his cock for awhile, so I sucked him til he was good and hard then turned backwards to him then lowered myself down on him til his cock was completely up inside my bottom, then slowly rode it as we all continued to talk.

I rode Albert about 10 minutes, then he had me climb off, then about a half hour later,

He'd have me ride his cock again for awhile.

By the third time I was riding his cock, Clyde was wanting attention too, so I pet him as I rode Albert's cock, at the same time I blurted out " I am a female roled zoosexual  and

I'd love to suck Clyde's cock ", there was a silence, then Rachel said " that don't surprise me Michael ", then Albert said " See if Clyde will let you ".

I was soon on my knees play flirting with Clyde, rubbing his tummy then his sheath and balls, Clyde was soon becoming aroused, after stroking him for a short time he was squirting pre-cum, I didn't even try sucking him, he was humping, and I badly wanted bred, I quickly moved out in front of him on my hands and knees, Albert picked up his front legs and got Clyde up on me, the rest was up to Clyde, and in seconds he was vigorously humping me, because my bottom was lubed and loosened up from riding Albert's cock, Clyde was knotted up inside me in less the 30 seconds.

Rachel is laughing, and trying to say that she'd never actually seen a dog mate before, while Albert is already around in front of me telling me to suck his cock while Clyde ejaculates up inside of me.

I'd had my lips wrapped around Albert's cock head only a few seconds when I began

having a intense orgasm and began ejaculating, at the same time Clyde was getting antsy,

I moaned out asking Rachel to come around and try to calm Clyde, because his cock was very swollen inside me, and it wasn't coming out for awhile!

 

     This was the last time I ever exposed myself in my exhibitionistic ways

                   My issue now was I wanted Man cock and dog cock constantly

(note

            luckly Albert and Rachel introduced me to some guys who soon were having me

suck their cocks routinely, then in spring of 1998, I met my boyfriend from a life drawing class who was sucking, jacking off and getting fucked by routinely, then it was a domino effect of meeting guys who I was performing for.

Ideally I tried to be with 2 or 3 guys a day by summer of 1998, that was primarily due to the fact that many of my guys wanted a blow-job or jacking them off 2-4 times a week at times.

Then a guy might meet a girl, date her for a while then after it didn't work out, he'd call and have me start sucking him or jacking him off routinely again, so it was a day to day thing as to how many guys I'd perform for daily.

 

 

By late summer 1998 I was routinely being party fucked nearly every weekend, getting strap-on fucked by several females routinely.

(note

            I can vividly recall finding adult magazines often in the ditch near the creek by the stables where I met Edward, which mostly likely a man would toss them once he'd viewed them, the magazines showed men and women have sex, I also vividly recall when ever I looked at the pictures; " I only desired being one of the women, I wanted to be sucking a penis or be getting penetrated by the man's penis since age 10 when I first started finding the magazines.

   

(note 

            A warning sign that I would realise only later was " I in my entire life have never fantasized of having sex with a female, all my sexual fantasies have been center around me being a submissive female receptive partner for males.

(note

                               I never have in my life fantasized about having sex with a female.

                                                  Why was I even trying to be with a Female?

                                   ( I've always felt I was trying to fit into social expectations)

                                                                    " just to be normal ?"

                                                                        Exhibitionism

Etiology
There are different theories related to exhibitionistic behaviors, many stemming from the psychoanalytic camp. They suggest that childhood trauma (e.g., sexual abuse) 
or significant childhood experiences can manifest itself in exhibitionistic behavior.

Class II: Pure Exhibitionists  ( profile as a exhibitionist that best describes me)
These people are cowardly and docile, and they are content with just showing off their genitals from a distance and masturbating. They do not touch their victims or actually do them any harm.  ( I never desired any form of contact with the females)

(note

            I often thought my exhibitionistic behavior was a " cry for help ", I felt I was seeking to be humiliated, be seen a pathetic, emasculated/feminized and at same time it was taking my mind of the troilism behavior (being cuckolded by a female) which also was emasculating me psychologically to a extreme degree.

                   

                     The only clear explanation was I needed a Man to belong to !

                                                       ( and be his submissive slut )

                                                                 So addictive

I never was stroking myself, no need to because as soon as I knew she seen me in the condition above, I would soon start convulsively, into the most intense orgasm I've very known.  " Primarily Mentally induced Orgasm"

Because exposing myself to the women at the drive-up windows caused such intense orgasms in me, it was extremely addictive and once I'd experienced it, well say for example when I was in alcohol rehab, many of the guys there were crack cocaine addicts, and the common thing they'd tell me about crack cocaine was; "Once you had it, you got to have it"

   

                          Start posing nude for Life drawing classes

                                                (fall of 1997)                                         

 

 

 

I was soon seduced by a sexy young black art student who I met in one of my college classes, I soon was performing fellatio on him, then after several encounters he was fucking me bare-back routinely throughout the week, I asked him to call me his "slut",

which he did, I told him that if he had any friends who might like me as their slut, he could set me up with them. ( I wanted to have a many men as possible in which I was performing for as their submissive female-receptive slut)

  I knew after the troilism ordeal there was no way I could be with a female,

 (actually since the exposing myself ordeal, I terrified of ever trying to be a man for a female)

               and I needed to make sure I always had a Man or Male dog that I was                                        performing sexually for, as their female-receptive submissive partner,

          I could never go through that troilism/exhibitionist thingever, ever again.


               

                                 


                  


             

            " I do believe the most rational sex role for me,

                               is being a surrogate female for a large Male dog to breed"

 

 

 


 

 

 

" Because I am not a Real Man "

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1997

 

I very much realized my exhibitionistic behavior was not driven by a true desire to be like a " Real Man " after searching for a new jack donkey lover, and with no success, I started visiting people who had intact stallions, I met the owner of the stallion above and her stallion, Outlaw her stallion seemed to like me, I confessed to her at some point after visiting with Outlaw and her several times that I was a  female-receptive homosexual type, and had been with my jack donkey lover for 21 years and he'd passed away in 1996.

 

I explained to her that Edward had died a year ago, and I was ready to find a new partner.

I slipped up and said " my jack donkey lover ", not realizing it, well she realized it, I then told her I was sorry that I was afraid to tell her that I was a " female-receptive zoosexual ".

I told Jodie that I been with my friend Ed's stallion Sycamore many times since early 1980's, I had been masturbating and ingesting Sycamore's semen every weekend until the last few years.

To my surprise she told me I could see if Outlaw would allow it, thus I started going out to her place every evening, she was single so there was no conflict with me showing up on a evening. 

Because the weather was so nice, I asked her if I could be nude while I tried to seduce Outlaw into allowing me to masturbate him, then suck his penis until he flared and  ejaculated into my mouth.

After several evening of doing this, Outlaw got fully erect, flared and pumped a huge amount of semen into my mouth, at same time I began to ejaculate as Outlaw's semen flooded my mouth , all the while watching, was my new female friend, owner of Outlaw .

       I did know now, I liked females to watch me being emasculated

         

                I asked Jodie if she would like strap-on fucking me

After going through the troilism/exhibitionistic behaviors twice

       I think both of these behaviors are very similar to OCD

              As well as the need to constantly be sucking cock

                                            and getting fucked

 

                                        Trauma of;

                            Sexual Molestation then public humiliation 

        After the sexual molestation by the scout leader, then the public humiliation

        at school after someone had seen me sucking my friend's cocks and taking their

        cocks in me anally, set the rumor of me being a sissy homo,faggot etc.

        which spread like wild-fire through a school of only several hundred students (7-9).

                                   In part the Sexual Molestation then public humiliation was also a

                                     Shock, a grand realization of reality, life was as it was in,

                                        my own world as it was when I was just with Edward

                    

                                                                                                 Then

                                                                           On-set of OCD

                                               (age 13)

                         

         After the public humiliation, I had the symptoms of OCD consumed me.

             following, then suicidal ideations.

                              Actually I feel the stability of just being with Edward and no longer

                             having sex with the guys from school or any guys helped dramatically

                           I can't recall when the OCD symptoms went away, it seems almost though

                                                     they where gone overnight suddenly,                                           

                            When Edward first actually mounted and penetrated me anally in October

                             of 1975 , thus a few months after the public humilation at school I still was

                             going through my highly compulsive routines (rituals), cause when he and I

                             would penetrative sex (he bred me), we had to go through gate to go out into

                             the woods were he could then breed me, any way one of my rituals was checking

                             re-checking the gate to make sure the chain was secure, I'd walk 50 feet from it

                             have to go back and re-check it maybe a many as 4-5 times, I call remember saying

                             to Edward as he just stared at me wondering, " no I just gotta be sure ".

                             Then checking his and the all the mare's food and water over and over.

                              Because of the upper mid-west winters, Edward was only able to breed me til

                              early November, then when April of 1976 we were able to start having copulatory

                              sex again routinely, I still recall needing to go through the gate checking ritual

                        I know after the compulsive routines (rituals), ended, I attributed

                my cure to being with Edward, being in the stable environment with him.

 

                                         

 

                                                                         A Study

Cuckolding and Troilism: definitions, relational and clinical contexts, emotional and sexual aspects, and neurobiological profiles. A complete review and investigation into the borderline forms of the relationship: Open Couples, Polygamy, Polyamory

Giulio Perrotta*

 Abstract

Starting from the concept of “cuckold” and having placed the substantial differences with the “troilism”, despite the terminological error committed by almost all the researchers who consider these two terms of synonyms, we proceeded to analyze the clinical, neurobiological and relational profiles, to then investigate the borderline forms of troilism: Open couples, polygamy and polyamory. By analyzing the possible etiological causes, which are the basis of these manifestations, it was concluded that probably the multifactorial is the most suitable answer, with a clear orientation towards the psychological causes deriving from a post-traumatic stress adaptation (substantially in the field of paraphilias or narcissism with adaptive forms, therefore self-destructive).

 Main article text

Contents of the manuscript

Definition, differential diagnosis, and clinical context

The behavior of voluntarily and knowingly inducing one’s partner to perform sexual acts with other people, to receive emotional and sexual gratification, is labeled with the English term (but of French derivation) improper, derogatory and incorrect of “cuckolding”, also if the correct terminology of clinical matrix is “troilism” [1,2].

The terminological error, committed in almost all revisions and published research, can be deduced from the same sexual activity carried out by the couple in those contexts [1,3].

In “troilism”

a) There is the conscience and will, between the two components of the couple, to share the sexual experience, in a more or less egalitarian way;

b) The sexual experience is lived as a couple of game and for this reason shared in all its moments, from the predation of the third component (bull, in the context of threesome) or of a couple (in the context of foursome or quadrilateral) to the realization specifically of sexual acts, up to the emotional and emotional manifestation experienced before, during and after. With the addition of the fifth component, the experience turns into an orgy (if they both play) or gangbang (if the taxable person is only a member of the couple);

c) The emotional and emotional manifestations experienced before, during and after the sexual experience are shared between the two partners of the main couple, and enrich the experiential background of the individual components and of the couple itself, consolidating the relationship and love relationship;

d) Between the couple’s partners there is a precise code of conduct, pre-established and organized in detail, which makes the experience pleasant, consciously desired and managed in such a way as not to deprive the relationship bond of dignity, honesty, sincerity and loyalty and loving existing;

e) Although the desire for triology is almost always stronger in one of the two partners, understanding, listening and respect for the other partner make this emotional and sexual experience capable of strengthening the bonds and satisfying the individual components of the couple, as long as there is awareness of one’s emotions, needs and expectations, and that they are compatible with those of the partner, in a game of communion, altruism, and completeness, without prejudice or preconceptions. The lack of awareness or willingness or the purpose of satisfying the partner without a real sharing of ends will lead the couple to live the experience negatively, causing irremediable emotional breakdowns.

f) The sexual act performed by one of the two partners of the main couple is not experienced by the other as a violence to his person or as a humiliation capable of provoking denigration, as emotionally the couple is placed on a relational level and emotionally different from that of the subjects who interact with them and therefore they are experienced as objects of pleasure, as tools that have the purpose of provoking pleasure.

In “cuckolding”

There is no conscience and will, between the two components of the couple, to share the sexual experience, and one of the two subjects is totally or partially unaware of the betrayal consumed or consumed (possibly, passively accepts it or is part of a couple agreement where sexual practice is the shared element and not the emotional experience itself);

The sexual experience is not experienced as a couple game but as a violence to the person who betrays trust and relational and loving bond (eventually, the conscious partner accepts the situation because it is convenient for maintaining the couple’s relationship but not it is experienced as an exploratory moment of the emotions and sensations, needs and needs of the individual parts);

The emotional and emotional manifestations experienced before, during and after the sexual experience are not shared between the two partners of the main couple (or at most the object of discussion is the carnal act itself and the use of the partner as means to achieve the realization of paraphilia), and therefore do not enrich the experiential baggage of the individual components or of the couple itself, disintegrating the relationship bond from within and loving, often with unawareness of the other partner. In this way, the lawyer is weighed down by feelings of guilt and shame that can irreparably influence the relationship and feelings;

Between the partners of the couple, there is no pre-established code of conduct, organized in detail (or if there is a code of conduct this is expressed - in the best of cases - in the general and essential rules, sometimes modified from time to time in based on specific needs and almost always by one of the two components of the main couple), since the sexual experiences lived by one of the two partners (or both separately) are characterized by being secret and hidden (or in any case not open and shared). The borderline form between cuckolding and troilism is precisely that of the “conscious cuckold”: in this case, one of the two partners or both are aware of the respective betrayals of the other (“open couple”) but both decide not to share the experiences and not to speak about it, if not occasionally and to organize the couple’s daily life. However, this hypothesis falls fully into the category of “cuckoldism” since the absence of secrecy (given by the awareness of betrayal) still affects negatively (since there is always a lack of sharing of experience and of a common code of conduct, which continue to harm the couple from the inside); although this solution may seem suitable to continue the experience of the love relationship, perhaps in crisis, in reality, these circumstances undermine the relationship from the inside, making it implode slowly until one of the two or both will find the ideal partner for the final decision of concluding the relationship or marriage experience with the main partner;

In the couple, the sharing of experience and therefore the constructive moments of listening and mutual respect of emotional manifestations is missing in whole or in part;

The sexual act performed by one of the two partners of the main couple is experienced by the other as a violence to the person or as a humiliation capable of provoking denigration since emotionally it is not the couple who plays or decides the rules but it is only one of the two components and the other is the victim of the game or the clandestine relationship. The word used in this context, “cuckold” (masculine) or “reverse cuckold or cuckquean” (feminine), which derives from the medieval French “cucuault”, literally means “the bad cuckoo”, about the female of the cuckoo who is said that often changes the companions or the habit, scientifically observed, of the cuckoo to leave the eggs in the nest of another bird.

Troilism, in particular, it can be of three types

a) “Relational”, when the search for pleasure from one of the two partners or both is aimed exclusively at the courtship and attraction phase, never moving on to the sexual act, not even in a simple form (for example, sexual foreplay).

b) “Sexual” (Polygamy), when the pursuit of the pleasure of one of the two partners or both is aimed at carrying out sexual acts, more or less complete, in simple or complex form. Polygamy can manifest itself in several forms.

- Type A: is the exclusively sexual form, in which the two partners of the couple seek and mature sexual experiences without interacting with outsiders, except marginally and minimally for the approach and never after the completion of the sexual act. It happens especially in the first polygamous experiences and in the threesome hypothesis, as the lack of experience or the fear (for jealousy or possessiveness) that the third party could interfere in the relationship life of the couple pushes the partners to deny any possible relationship except to the extent of play as a couple and in contexts strictly you decide by the couple itself.

- Type B: is the attenuated sexual form, in which the two partners open the sexual relationship also to profiles of friendly acquaintance with the third party or the couple, interacting in a unitary way, as if the couple were a monad. It happens above all in the consolidated polygamous experiences and in relationships with other couples or after a long time that the third component plays with the couple and has demonstrated its seriousness and its ability to respect the rules, but always within precise relational stakes imposed by the couple.

- Type C: it is the pure sexual-relational form, in which the two partners open themselves completely to the third or the external couple, establishing friendly relationships also independent of the good-natured control of the partner of the main couple, in a regime of mutual respect and trust. It happens when the main couple has experience gained over time and the outsiders are subjects of extreme trust, capable of respecting the rules given over time, including those implicitly imposed without formal sharing. However, this form excludes any relationship of a sentimental nature, contemplating only the friendly and affective relational forms.

c) “Sentimental” (Polyamory), when the pursuit of the pleasure of one of the two partners or both is aimed at establishing with the third party or the couple or more external partners a love relationship contemporary to the main one, in agreement with the partner principal who is aware of it and accepts its consequences. Polyamory can manifest itself in different forms:

- Type A: it is the attenuated form, in which the two partners open themselves to a love relationship with a third external subject, in a subordinate condition concerning the main couple. Although the lawyer that is established is of a love type, this happens in a unidirectional way towards only one of the two partners and the main couple considers the lawyer subordinate to the love relationship lived between the two main partners.

- Type B: it is the simple form, in which the two partners open up to a loving relationship with a couple who plays the role of external subject, in a subordinate condition concerning the main couple. Although the lawyer who is established is of the amorous type, this happens unidirectionally but towards and both partners: A + B are the main couple, C + D are the external couple; A lovingly relates to D and B relates to C, in a continuous affective, sexual and sentimental relational exchange.

- Type C: it is the complex form, in which the two partners open themselves to a love relationship with a third party or a couple without subordination. Everyone is put on the same level and everyone can relate to everyone, where any one-way exclusivity (A-D / B-C) ​​does not affect the intensity of the feelings felt. Therefore, the love relationship of the main couple is on the same relational and sentimental level as the third or the couple.

In the animal kingdom, this practice is rather studied about fertilization possibilities and the increase in opportunities for procreative purposes, especially in mammals and birds [4] and less in the marine kingdom [5].

About human beings, the topic under examination has been debated above all in humanistic and literary fields [6], while clinical areas have begun to interest you recently, especially in terms of relational areas, flows of consciousness, and emotional material [7].

The etiology of the phenomenon and neural correlates

The etiology of Troilism is debated in the scientific community, precisely because there are no statistically significant data or oriented research; the possible causes, on a theoretical basis and the basis of some hypotheses, are mainly two [3]:

1) A genetic predisposition (biological cause);

2) A post-traumatic stress adaptation that occurs in the context of paraphilias or narcissism to adaptive forms, therefore self-destructive (psychological cause).

Concerning the first hypothesis (biological cause), the scientific community agrees in considering these practices a real form of paraphilia and therefore, in the absence of targeted research, the hypothesis that these subjects have the same neural correlates must be considered plausible of the declaredly paraphilic subjects. However, the research does not fully clarify the reasons why certain subjects suffer from certain paraphilias and not all of them, thus hypothesizing a contributing cause with personal episodes experienced by the subject capable of orienting the person more towards one or more types of paraphilia [8]. However, some research lays the foundations for interesting intuitions that could prove to be exact; in particular:

a) Galanine is a peptide that regulates the release of pituitary hormones, nutrition, and reproductive and parental care behaviors. In teleostal fish, a higher expression of galanine is associated with reproductively active territorial males. Previous transcriptome studies of the lowland background (Porichthys notatus), a highly vocal teleostal fish with two male morphs that follow alternative reproductive tactics, show that galanine is upregulated in the preoptic-anterior hypothalamus (POA-AH) area of ​​nesting, courtship type I males during spawning compared to type II cuckolding males. Females differ dramatically from both male morphs in the number of somata that express galanine and in the distribution of fibers, especially in the vocal-acoustic nuclei of the brain stem and in other sensory integration sites which also differ, although less widely, among the male morphs. Double-labeling shows that mainly separate populations of POA-AH neurons express galanine and arginine-vasotocin or isotocin non-peptides, homologs of arginine vasopressin and mammalian oxytocin that are widely implicated in the neural mechanisms of vertebrate social behavior, including specific actions of the morph on vocal neurophysiology in ensign. Also, a small population of POA-AH neurons that coexpress the neurotransmitter galanine and γ-aminobutyric acid appear to be implicated in these cuckolding processes: the results indicate that galanine neurons in mid-vessel fish likely modulate activity large-scale cerebral, including targeted effects on the vocal, sensory and neuroendocrine motor systems; they are unique from populations that do not express peptide and play a role in specific behaviors for men [9].

b) reproductive success is based on the coordination of social behavior, such as the defense of the territory, courtship, and mating. Species with extreme variation in reproductive tactics are useful models for identifying the neural mechanisms underlying the plasticity of social behavior. The lowland midshipman (Porichthys notatus) is a teleostat fish with two male reproductive morphs that follow widely divergent developmental trajectories and show alternative reproductive tactics (ART). Type I males defend territories, woo females and provide paternal care, but resort to the horned if they cannot maintain a territory. Type II males reproduce only through the horned. Using RNA sequencing, we proceeded to study the differential expression of the transcription in the Preoptic-Anterior Hypothalamus Area (POA-AH) of courting type I males, type I cuckolding males, and type II cuckolding males. Unexpectedly, the differential expression POA-AH was more strongly coupled with behavioral tactics than with morphs. This included a series of transcripts implicated in the hormonal regulation of vertebrate social behavior [10].

On the other hand, concerning the second hypothesis (psychological cause), referring to a post-traumatic stress adaptation [11] that takes place in the context of paraphilias [8] or maladaptive narcissism, drawing on psychodynamics and clinical psychology. On this theoretical basis, the causes of Troilism seem to be more coherent and compatible with the behavioral manifestations of the subjects who adhere to this vision of couple’s life (compared to the advanced neurobiological hypotheses in the absence of targeted clinical studies) and therefore [12].

a) “Unconscious desire for fertility”, which would push the woman (in search of motherhood) and the man (in search of fatherhood, without taking on the responsibility of being the biological father) to seek sexual activity with third parties the satisfaction of this inner energy [13]. This hypothesis ceases when relationships are protected or there is no male ejaculation in the vagina. The possible unprotected relationship in the presence of the use of an oral contraceptive does not exclude this hypothesis, as the unconscious desire could be that of fertility but one of the two partners may not feel ready to take on this responsibility.

b) “Unconscious desire to improve the genetics of one’s family”, which would push the woman or man to seek the satisfaction of this inner energy in sexual activity with third parties, aware that their genetics could give birth to a child with problems health, even serious [14,15]. This hypothesis ceases when relationships are protected or there is no male ejaculation in the vagina or genetically there are no relevant clinical suspects. The possible unprotected relationship in the presence of the use of an oral contraceptive does not exclude this hypothesis, as the unconscious desire could be to give the unborn child the best possible health conditions.

c) “Unconscious desire to increase the couple’s chances of fertility” [16,17]. From an evolutionary point of view, some studies would connect, in a counter-intuitive way, the cuckold with an increase in fertilization capacity (a sort of battle for “genetic supremacy”). Although according to some researchers, the fear of not being able to sow one’s seed, or raising a child not really, is the basis of possessive behavior and sometimes violent jealousy, other studies would show how the sight of one or more men who had sex with a single woman increases sperm reactivity, making conception more likely as a result. The decision to use the semen of a donor without sexual intercourse (assisted fertilization) or to proceed with consensual sexual relations aimed at procreation are not in themselves hypotheses that fall within the object of study of this work.

d) “Unconscious desire to receive parental care from several males”, which would push the woman or man to seek satisfaction of this inner energy in sexual activity with third parties, for the unmotivated and irrational fear of not being up to par of the parental role [18,19]. This hypothesis ceases if the partners are already parents, while significant economic difficulties or intra-family relationship problems could play a dominant role.

       e) “Unconscious desire to avoid betrayal or metabolize the one suffered”, which would push the partner to implement this relational modality to control and manage the emotional load deriving from a potential future betrayal or from post-traumatic adaptation deriving from an already experienced betrayal , especially if the person already has a paraphyl profile or an eccentric personality disorder (cluster B). These modalities are also manifested in adopting behaviors aimed at implementing sexual couple practices with a third or more people, to see one’s partner return to him / her, according to a ritualistic modality of cyclic and repeated choice [19]. This hypothesis is however not contemplated if the partners do not have paraphilic profiles, have not undergone traumatic stress deriving from a love or sentimental disappointment or a physical or mental betrayal, and still do not have an unstable or insecure sentimental relationship.

f) “Unconscious desire to be a victim of pain and psychological humiliation, according to a masochistic scheme”, which would push one of the two partners or both to undergo sexual relations with other people for the realization of their pleasure, in particular by requiring certain targeted behaviors to domination (“Do what I say”) or submission and humiliation (“I enjoy being considered a sexual object”), practices which in themselves are already considered paraphilic [19].

g) “Unconscious desire to live bisexual or homosexual drive experiences”, albeit in the larval state, for a sense of shame or inability to accept these drives on a conscious level [20].

Clinical contexts and relationship strategies

Both for cuckolding and troilism, including the hypotheses of open couples, polyamory and polygamy, the results of scientific research that examine a statistically significant sample are missing, about any psychopathologies related to these relational and sexual activities [1]. However, the data in our possession allow to make some substantial differences, related to the perceptive-reactive system [21], of the patient and his way of reacting concerning the environment around him [22]; in particular, one will have to ask whether [3];

a) Does the patient perceive his behavior or that of his partner as disturbing?

b) Does the patient experience the partner’s behavior or feel the urge to satisfy them?

c) Does the patient fail to have a satisfying relationship and sentimental life without the implementation of these sexual behaviors?

d) Does the patient perceive an accentuation of these behaviors?

e) The patient has suffered relational, working, emotional or sentimental problems as a result of the realization or ideation of these behaviors?

The positive affirmation of even just one of these questions should induce him to begin a targeted psychotherapy path, possibly with a cognitive-behavioral or strategic approach [23], to find answers to his doubts and clarify any information gaps. However, it should be borne in mind that certain pathological forms, even if considered as such, do not always require clinical intervention, as only the ego-dystonic forms (not in harmony with the surrounding environment) cause suffering and malaise, while the ego-syntonic forms, perhaps because they are experienced with a partner and a favorable context, they do not provoke those negative emotions and perceptions that characterize the request for therapeutic intervention [3].

If therefore the relationship with the partner is stable and this conduct does not cause problems, difficulties or discrepancies between the wishes of the individual members of the couple, then it is still important to follow simple rules of behavior, to positively continue these “particular” experiences of waist [3].

a) To share sexual experience adequately, promoting good, simple and linear communication, placing the emphasis on emotions, feelings, expectations, desires and drives, without fear of judgments or moral condemnations;

b) Focus attention on the playful aspects of sexual experience, putting in place a series of rules aimed at better managing the circumstances and situations between the two partners, with third parties and any couples;

c) Actively confront, before and during and after the sexual experience, to share emotions and sensations;

d) Practice active listening and prevent third parties from interfering with the couple’s relationship;

e) Limit in quantity the sexual game activities with third parties, in such a way that they do not become continuous or substitute experiences to the normal routine life;

f) Take time, making sure that the desires, expectations and drives of both are compatible, avoiding unwelcome or difficult to understand activities for one of the two partners (perhaps because the tastes are different);

g) Avoid impositions and obligations, unless agreed with conscience and will by both;

h) Avoid using guilt to facilitate any unwanted activities;

i) Limit the interference of these activities with normal daily personal and professional life;

j) Encourage any need for dialogue, even with a professional, who can help the couple better understand the real needs of both.

Conclusions

It is clear that the reasons that justify these behaviors are mainly attributable to psychological components and secondarily to neurobiological and hormonal components, even if the research published on this topic is not conclusive and is not conclusive. The subject of this work deserves further study, also from a clinical point of view.

In the future, research should focus on the following investigation points:

a. neurobiological studies able to determine the precise direction of the neural circuits underlying sentimental and sexual preferences, comparing the results with non-paraphilic subjects;

b. neurobiological studies able to determine the exact correlation between troilism and paraphilias;

c. neurobiological studies able to focus research on neuroendocrine and genetic factors capable of influencing sexual behavior. - peertechzpublications.com

The question in the Above Study;

Does the patient fail to have a satisfying relationship and sentimental life without the implementation of these sexual behaviors ?

For myself , my answer is No, "I could not be with a female, without implementing the cuckolding and troilism behavior", due to fact that I'm a submissive 100% female-roled

homosexual. 

Whether my partner was / is a human male or a canine or equine lover, because

even if I was able to in a relationship with female, I'd still need a Dominate Male as a sexual partner. 

Even though I achived great sexual pleasure, the pleasure I get is mainly from being

dominated by males sexually, feeling submissive, and made to be feminine.

I also have felt often that due to;

     " my Failure to establish a relationship with human females or even human males "

 greatly supported my zoosexual sexual orientation, made me or enhanced my desire to only be with either a jack donkey or large breed intact male dog, even beyond the fact that I am very much more sexually attracted to a partner like Edward my jack donkey partner or Max my great dane partner then I have been to a human being.

And beyond mere attraction with Edward my jack donkey partner, the stallion ponies or my Male dog partners,  the Affirmation of my Female-role for;

all of them was of a much intense and pure form, they took me simply as a female to breed, and treated me just like I was really female during the breeding process.

    The most compelling or need aspect of my troilism behavior

 

 

I do feel the most compelling or need aspect of my troilism behavior was to be seen by my female partner as a Real Man treated me Dominantly like a female and makes me his submissive slut.

My female partner then accepts me as I am, yet also tells me because I am unable to be a real man, she must take her New lover as her sexual partner and husband and have his child.

                              Ideally for me, I feel a triad relationship where it is;

                                                                (closed relationship)

                Dom-Female-Dom-Male(straight male)-myself(female-roled male)

                        The Dom-Female and Dom-Male are married as a couple

                         yet I am a mutual accepted member of the relationship

                         similar to a Au pair, yet I sexually serve the Dom-male

                                                         as his submissive slut

                                            (I give him blow-jobs when he wants)

                         The Female has me as her submissive companion (platonic)

                 I live outside the main house, stay in a converted barn or carriage house

                                                                          with

                    a jack donkey or male great dane as my primary male sexual partner 

 

                                                 This is my Ideal fantasy 

                                     ( how I truly like to live)         

Though not a obsession like OCD, and cuckolding/troilism, I have always had a reoccurring fantasy since early childhood(age 9-10) of belonging to a Centaur as his female receptive partner,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my fantasy with My Centaur lover always comes walking towards me with his big erect penis swaying, (like the stallion below) I know he is coming to breed me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


                                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     Due to Outlaw's large size, both body and penis I was unable to be bred by him

 

R32ffb2b5a8b5b5a37495bb6cabedab54.jpg

After going through the same patterned troilism behavior in 1986, that is,

Wanting a girl I was attempting to form a intimate relationship, then suddenly becoming obsessed with wanting her to find a lover to have sex with in hopes I could watch them have sex, have her tell how much better a lover was then me, humiliate me, have me suck his cock and fuck me while she watches.

Then when she did actually start having sex with a guy, then telling me about how they had sex, did he make her feel really good etc.

After knowing how terrible it was in 1986, why would I even think about trying to be like a Man for a female again ???

to be continued

6-19-2022

 

My first time seeing a Mental health professional was for my Exhibitionism and Troilism :


The two Paraphilias seem to work as one in conjunction, I mean that in that I only had these two thing occur the two times I tried being like a real man, and be male roled for a female (short time,mid 1980's)
At about same time my Mom died unexpectly of a heart condition (she was 45). (I started seeing Mental health professional soon after Mom's death).

My method for exposing myself was, when I seen there was a female attendent working the drive-up window at place like McDonalds, I'd drive around, get my pants down around my ankles then masturbate,
then with my penis erect I go through the drive up in hopes she see my erect penis ejaculating, I generally would start ejaculate(hands-free) during the interaction with her while paying or receiving food from her always
without touching myself, just the thought of her seeing me erect and ejaculating caused me to ejaculated (mentally induced) or similar to a spontaneous ejaculation,
great cognitive dissonance/ guilt during refractory period following the ejaculation. (most often I would begin to ejaculate the moment I knew the drive-up female had seen my erect penis) I felt what I was doing was very wrong,
felt alot of shame afterwards, yet I'd do it again a week later ( I always felt I was trying to show the female that I was a viable male, this also made me feel very submissive and humilated in front of the female).
I think because the exhibitionistic behavior started after the troilism behavior, I always felt I wanted humiliated, felt sorry for, because I couldn't perform like a Real Man, at least there was that thought feeling in my mind. 

The troilism part: I wanted her to met a male partner in hopes she could watch as I performed fellatio on or was penetrated anally by new boyfriend (felt alot of guilt/shame),
I think I was sincerely wishing just maybe I could be like a Normal Man with a female, and when the troilism ideation sprung up that ended my hopes of being with female as a viable Male.

I was living with Edward and my dogs and was actively being bred by them nearly daily at this time,  I have never been erect when with Edward or My dogs or Men, yet if and when I ejaculated, I was always completely limp/with no erection.

I would at times have spontaneous ejaculation (mental induced orgasms) while performing fellatio. 

( note: I've never been in the Male-role or had a erection when with Edward, my male dogs or Men, have never even imagined to being in Male-role and find the idea revolting, though I did penetrate my Sally female partner several times.
After each time it caused great cognitive dissonance/ guilt during refractory period following ejaculation and soon had no desire to ever do it again.)


(note; the trying to be with a female, then the exhibitionistic behavior, then trollism and Mom's sudden unexpected death thrust me into a major deep depression that lasted nearly a year)

 


( note;  Currently I only abstain from finding then being a female-receptive partner for a large breed intact male dog like Max because of the law and threat of punishment, otherwise I feel that in the context of my role for and with Edward, my male Dogs  was not harmful to them, and I feel it was always a mutual pleasurable sexual interaction between us.

It simply wouldn't be honest if I said that I wished not to be a female-receptive partner for a large breed intact male dog forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

( note; Other then the three different Mental health professionals I had seen after Mom's death, which concerned my Exhibitionistic and Troilism behavior I've never revealed the drive-up window exhibitionistic act;

Article I found: 
                         
                               Types of Exhibitionist Disorder:

There are different types of exhibitionism:

Pure exhibitionists are people who show their sexual organs to other people at a distance. They do not touch or physically harm the people to whom they expose their body.


Exclusive exhibitionists they are individuals who struggle with being involved in a romantic relationship and they are unable to have sexual relations normally.


Exposing themselves is their way to get the sexual satisfaction. 
This type of exhibitionistic disorder is less common.

I would say there were both types of behaviors in my exhibitionistic acts, for me there was never any desire to touch or physically harm the people to whom they expose their body,
yet the drive up window behavior was most shame and guilt ridden because, I put the female in a threatening type situation, even if it was simply was just surprise or shock.


The drive-up window type act, was only time I would be actually erect, then have that mentally induced orgasm, thus quickly, dramatically go into refractory period of sadness (Post-coital tristesse).

I actually started wanting to get caught in a way, at least in the back of my mind, then the concept of; " this seems like a cry for help " arouse in my mind.

There were only two episodes/time periods which I performed the "drive-up window behavior", 1. during/after trying to be with females as a male-roled partner in mid 1980's, 2. After Edward's death in 1997, this was when
I seen the ad in arts publication " nude artists models " needed.
Once I started modeling nude for artists I've always been able to control the "drive-up window type behavior ".

I also have never had any type of mental/physical sexual arousal during or after posing nude for art classes, though I do feel it is a symbolic expression of my effeminate homosexual identity, my desire to be accepted by
females as a female-roled/receptive effeminate and submissive male.

( note;  The only legal issue I've ever had was after was after I'd started modeling nude, and had been for awhile; I'd gotten to know a female who worked as cashier at the lumber yard that I used, I found her to be attractive, yet mainly I thought her to be open minded, she was about 20 years of age, I thought.


Any way I had been posing nude in the woods since I'd started posing for art classes in fall of 1997, thus I made video complied of different poses/clips from the filming myself.


I labeled the v.h.s video "Michael Emery nude artist model", I then gave her the video, and asked if she was ever interested in posing with me in art class, as I had modeled with other females before in class as a pair.


Well soon after, (a few days) I gave her the tape , I received a call from a local police detective, whom wanted me to come down and talk to him, upon doing so I explained my intent as I have here, he was very empathetic, what he said to me that I most remember was; " It is good the modeling as helped you with this type of behavior ". I was free to go.


Yet embarrassing in regards to the staff at the lumber yard, most accepted my modeling nude for art classes and treated me with respect. I have asked other females to model with me since, making it clear that I have no sexual intentions, and which I honestly don't, other then be able to be able to convey to a female that I identify as a "female-roled/receptive male", being able to convey to anyone that I identify as female-receptive Zoosexual is beyond being able to reveal.

 

                          My sexual abuse and be forceful penetrated by a adult male:  Consequences of Emasculation

                                                                    " I've always had a sense of not being a " Real Man "                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

My role is Set as a female-receptive/surrogate female for males

 

 

 

My role is Set as a female-receptive/surrogate female for males and manifestations of;

As I look back now after 50 years of my sexual history it is clear to my that due to being forcefully sexually assaulted and penetrated anally at age 7, then again sexually assaulted at age 12.

By age 13 my sexual role was firmly set and unchangeable as female receptive partner for males only, whether it be a human male, a donkey male or a large male dog, being 100% is the only role that I feel viable being in sexually. 


I think because the exhibitionistic behavior started after the troilism behavior, I always felt I wanted humiliated, felt sorry for, because I couldn't perform like a Real Man, at least there was that thought feeling in my mind. 

The troilism part: I wanted her to met a male partner in hopes she could watch as I performed fellatio on or was penetrated anally by new boyfriend (felt alot of guilt/shame),
I think I was sincerely wishing just maybe I could be like a Normal Man with a female, and when the troilism ideation sprung up that ended my hopes of being with female as a viable Male.

 

I do know since 1997, fully accepting that I can only be a 100% exclusive female-receptive partner for males, I have never had the exhibitionistic urge ever again!

Though I have been celibate since 2001, I can honestly say, the only difficulty I battle is my strong desire to find a large intact male dog to live with and be my male lover/companion.


After reading about  So-called “conversion therapy,” sometimes known as “reparative therapy,” ( Conversion therapy is any attempt to change a person’s sexual orientation) 

American Psychiatric Association:
... In 1997 APA produced a fact sheet on homosexual and bisexual issues, which states that “there is no published scientific evidence supporting the efficacy of “reparative therapy” as a treatment to change one’s sexual orientation.”
The potential risks of “reparative therapy” are great and include depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior, since therapist alignment with societal prejudices against homosexuality may reinforce self-hatred already experienced by the patient.
Many patients who have undergone “reparative therapy” relate that they were inaccurately told that homosexuals are lonely, unhappy individuals who never achieve acceptance or satisfaction.
The possibility that the person might achieve happiness and satisfying interpersonal relationships as a gay man or lesbian are not presented, nor are alternative approaches to dealing with the effects of societal stigmatization discussed...
Therefore, APA opposes any psychiatric treatment, such as “reparative” or “conversion” therapy, that is based on the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or is based on the
a priori assumption that the patient should change his or her homosexual orientation.

" I very much believe my sexual role is to be a female-receptive surrogate female for a Large intact Male dog or several dogs to breed me daily or as often as they desired would be ideal for me, as very important aspect of my role has always been to be ready and eager to be bred constantly, 

that's the role I feel best suited for, And I don't think it can be changed "

​                                                       

                                                                            By Far, my greatest regret, my most shameful act

                                                                          in life was exposing myself to the females in the way

                                                                              I did, putting them in a situation such as I did

Once I'd had females actually see me performing sexually for males as a feminine/emasculated male, all my thoughts of exposing my erect penis to them ended, along with the troilism ideation.

7-8-2022

     Why is homosexual conversion therapy so dangerous ?

Research on the Impacts of Reparative Therapy, Harms Caused by Societal Prejudice

In 2007, a task force of the American Psychological Association undertook a thorough review of the existing research on the efficacy of conversion therapy. Their report noted that there was very little methodologically sound research on sexual orientation change efforts (SOCEs) and that the "results of scientifically valid research indicate that it is unlikely that individuals will be able to reduce same-sex attractions or increase other-sex sexual attractions through SOCE." In addition, the task force found that "there are no methodologically sound studies of recent SOCE that would enable the task force to make a definitive statement about whether or not recent SOCE is safe or harmful and for whom." Read the full report.

Pan American Health Organization (PAHO): Regional Office of the World Health Organization

Services that purport to "cure" people with non-heterosexual sexual orientation lack medical justification and represent a serious threat to the health and well-being of affected people, the Pan American Health Organization (PAHO) said in a position statement launched on 17 May, 2012, the International Day against Homophobia. The statement calls on governments, academic institutions, professional associations and the media to expose these practices and to promote respect for diversity.
Statement, "Therapies" to change sexual orientation lack medical justification and threaten health.

    I 100% know now that my sexual orientation is only " female-receptive zoosexual "

 

I feel sexual orientation change efforts (SOCEs) applies the same in my case, being a female-receptive zoosexual / surrogate female is the only identity that suits me, and since 2000 I've known that the only male partner that I desire or that would be practical for me has been a large intact male stud dog.

           -My need to be  psychologically emasculated-

                       (having females watch me as a Real man treat me like a female)

                                         

I love sucking a Man's cock or as he fucks me while his wife or girlfriend watches as I do, once I started sucking Albert's cock while Rachel watched I knew clearly that be psychologically emasculated was my primary sexual desire or need.

After that I'd tell most of my Men, I'd like it if they had a wife or girlfriend, for him to ask her to watch as he emasculates me, even tell her she is welcome to peg me with dildo or strap-on if she like to.

Even more Emasculating for me was when Rachel watched as her male rottweiler Clyde bred me.

                                 " All above scenarios very Exhibitionistic"

    The video above is a scenario similar

to my relationship with Rachel and Albert

 -Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia) -

Because I have always had Social Anxiety Disorder (Social Phobia), in turn this has made it impossible to have a close intimate relationship with Men or Women. thus the primary reason for my becoming a female-receptive zoosexual, then preferring to only be with Male canines or equines all of my life.

A quote from a research articles on exhibitionistic behaviour; " Nearly half of the clinicians in our survey identified intimacy deficits as a primary treatment target for exhibitionists, and 44% identified interpersonal skills as an important goal ".

In 1985, the time of my first encounter with trying to be intimate with a female, that in turn manifested into the obsession of having my female friend find a male partner whom she could have sex with then tell me of her encounters. (troilism)

Sure I could hold a job, I had sufficient social skills to function in a work type environment, yet because my intimate life was being my jack donkey Edward's surrogate female partner, I had very little experience socially with humans.

Thus once the troilism obsession started, due to the fact that I was not able to function

properly as a Male partner for a female due to my need to be a surrogate female for a Male, that manifested into the distorted expressive need to be accepted as a emasculated male.

 I know I wished the women I exposed myself to see me as "feminine male".

Causes of Exhibitionism;

"Exclusive exhibitionists they are individuals who struggle with being involved in a romantic relationship and they are unable to have sexual relations normally. Exposing themselves is their way to get the sexual satisfaction. This type of exhibitionistic disorder is less common".

( I can't have a normal sexual relationship with a female because I identify as a female-roled/receptive male, thus exposing myself to a female was only way I was able to be intimate with a female, and in some distorted way ?. Yet I never desire to ever have sex with a female, not those I exposed myself too, or the female that I was actually courting I wanted her to only have sex with Real Man, yet be my best friend)

Causes of Exhibitionism;

"Psychoanalytical theories are based on the assumption that male gender identity requires the male child's separation from his mother psychologically so that he does not identify with her as a member of the same sex, the way a girl does. It is thought that exhibitionists regard their mothers as rejecting them on the basis of their different genitals. Therefore, they grow up with the desire to force women to accept them by making women look at their genitals.
(I identify as a female-roled/receptive male )

The Rachel and Albert story

 I think this became clear to me in 1997 after exposing myself to the same female twice at a drive-up window, the second time she said to me; " I'd like to watch you suck my boyfriend's big black cock", due to fact that the first time I exposed myself to her, I'd given her a note reading; " I'm sorry, I've been sucking cock my whole life, I can't be a Real man". 

That night I was sucking her boyfriend's cock as she watched me do it, it was a profound experience in that,Rachel was accepting me as a Female-roled male, once I had performed fellatio on Albert, then began to routinely do so as Rachel watched, I've never had the urge to expose myself again in a non-consenting way since! ".

Soon I was posing for artists in life-drawing classes, yet I was never sexual aroused while posing, yet posing was a great social event for me, allowed me to be accepted nude and feminine by females in a consenting way. I allowed me to build my self-esteem, thus reduce my- Social Anxiety Disorder

Causes of Exhibitionism;

  • People with these types of paraphilia tend to have personalities accompanied by social isolation, low self-esteem, and, usually, feelings of sexual inadequacy. They are not generally comfortable with normal heterosexual relationships and they are not willing to risk the rejection of their attempts to create willing sexual relationships, so they resort to abnormal sexual activity. They suggest that sexual abuse as children or other traumatic childhood situations may be the cause. According to Freudian theory, during the phases of psychosexual development, fixations rooted at one level of sexual adjustment prevent normal progress to the next stage of development. Some behavioral theories state that sexual arousal has been linked with the activity of exposure through either a Pavlovian-type conditioning process or operant conditioning. Some documented cases have shown that some men become exhibitionists after traumatic brain injuries (TBIs).

to be continued.....

 How our Mind(Ego) keep us from doing things we shouldn't be doing!

            Egosyntonic and egodystonic and cognitive dissonance

                                  Ego-dystonic sexual orientation;

Individuals could be diagnosed with ego-dystonic sexual orientation if their sexual orientation or attractions were at odds with their idealized self-image, causing anxiety and a desire to change their orientation or become more comfortable with it. It describes not innate sexual orientation itself, but a conflict between the sexual orientation a person wished to have and their actual sexual orientation.

There are no evidence-based treatments for ego-dystonic sexual orientation.[5] As part of its assessment of the ICD-10's diagnostic categories related to sexual orientation, the World Health Organization's Working Group on the Classification of Sexual Disorders and Sexual Health conducted a thorough literature search and found no evidence that a person's concern about their sexual orientation requires any unique therapeutic interventions other than common treatments for distress, anxiety, depression, and other conditions.[3][5]

For people who are uncomfortable with or distressed by their sexual orientation or by experiencing same-sex attraction, evidence-based strategies for alleviating distress include "challenging negative stereotypes, seeking social support, and self-acceptance."[28] Supportive interventions include gay affirmative psychotherapy, which helps lesbian, gay, and bisexual people examine and accept their sexual orientation and related sexual relationships, and lesbian, gay, and bisexual support groups, which can help counteract and buffer minority stress, marginalization, and isolation.[29]

The current guidelines of many mental health associations direct therapists to recognize that non-heterosexual orientations are not disorders; to understand the effects of stigma on lesbian, gay, and bisexual people; and to recognize that "sexual orientation change efforts" are ineffective and often harmful.[30][28][31][32] In 2009, an American Psychological Association task force reported that offering appropriate therapeutic interventions to individuals who wish they could change their sexual orientation requires "therapist acceptance, support, and understanding of clients and the facilitation of clients' active coping, social support, and identity exploration and development, without imposing a specific sexual orientation identity outcome."[33]

                                                                                                      -Wikipedia

(note;  I strongly believe societally there has been a lot of psychologically harm done to individuals with same sex attraction since the 1970's in the U S.

In my case I have never been Ego-dystonic about being sexually attracted to Men or being sexually attracted to Male dogs(intact studs) or Male equines(jack donkey/stallions).

Yet I've always been Ego-dystonic when trying to be with Women, with in turn has caused much cognitive dissonance.

My Exhibitionistic behavior, was very Ego-dystonic, mainly due to "Harm principle" which lead to great cognitive dissonance, thus it was short lived, and since 1997 I have never had the urge to expose myself to women.

7/20/2022

-Autoeroticism-

"I believe Exhibitionistic behavior is a Form of Autoeroticism"

Themuse.jpg

I've felt for many that the exhibitionistic behavior in myself is a Form of Autoeroticism,

 

 

Autoeroticism or autosexuality is a practice of sexually stimulating oneself, especially one's own body through accumulation of internal stimuli.

           The most common autoerotic practice is masturbation.

Though the terms autoeroticism and masturbation are often used interchangeably, they are not synonymous as not all autoerotic behaviors are masturbatory. Nocturnal emissionserotic daydreams, and sexual arousal to 'sexually-neutral' stimuli (music, scenery, art, risk, spiritual reverie, etc.) are also examples of autoeroticism.-Wikipedia

As is autofellatio, the act of orally stimulating one's own penis, is thought to occur in less than 1% of the male population, possibly because of the physical flexibility required to perform it.

 I could and was sucking my own penis and ejaculating in my own mouth by the age of 12, and had been caught by my mother and step-sister on several occasions throughout years of age 12-16.

220px-Autofel.svg.png

Though quite embarrassing on each occasion when being caught as I was in the act of sucking my own penis, completely nude on my bed as I was doing so, and I each time they'd opened my bedroom door to witness me in the act.

It still had the element of a Exhibitionistic Act, even though I wasn't actively trying to expose myself to them, it still was very erotic, yet humiliating at the same time.

Can you think your way to orgasm?

 

KEY POINTS

  • Humans—particularly women—have shown themselves capable of hands-free orgasms.

  • Orgasms that are manually, orally—or externally—unassisted have been referred to as "extragenital orgasms."

  • The least positive type of spontaneous orgasm is associated with persistent genital arousal disorder (or PGAD).

  • The erotic imagination—for both genders—plays a far more crucial role in physical arousal and orgasm than had previously been appreciated.

I know I'd always have a hands-free orgasms while being watched by a wife or girlfriend as I sucked their husband or boyfriend's penis. - "thus mentally induced"

"  historically, “solo sex” has always been such a strong competitor with couples' sex "

                                                                                                                      - psychologytoday.com

I can never recall ever fantasizing about having sex with Females

                   or actually desiring to have sex with a Females

                                  " I have no desire to have sex with females"

My sexual fantasies have always been centered around being in the female-receptive roles for Males, whether human or equine or canine, if a female is part of the fantasy it is always 

with her watching as the Male has me sucking his penis or he is penetrating me anally.

"From actual experince I love as Females watch as a Real Man treats me like a female"

7/21/2022

                  Exhibitionistic behavior is a Form of Autoeroticism

After doing a search today looking up " Exhibitionistic behavior is a Form of Autoeroticism", I found the following video;

Outline of video;

 " Autoeroticism (regarding oneself as one’s sex object) often goes hand in hand with exhibitionism (becoming sexually aroused by another’s objectifying gaze). The more numerous the observers, the more intense the sexual excitatory state.

That is why the autoerotic - mainly narcissists and psychopaths - gravitate to group sex with total strangers even in early adolescence.

The autoerotic objectify not only themselves but also the partner, whose body they use as a sex toy, to masturbate with.

Thus, the partner’s identity is utterly incidental: he or she could be anonymous strangers encountered only minutes or a few hours before the act.

Casual sex is the autoerotic’s staple: in his committed relationships, s/he is typically sexless.

Sex with the autoerotic is an eerie sensation: disembodied, mechanical, non-reciprocated, infantile, and lonely as the autoerotic partners focus exclusively on their bodies and on their self-gratification.

The intimate partners of the autoerotic invariably develop sex aversion to them. The autoerotic’s solipsistic self-focus, defiance, and oblivion to the partner is also a narcissistic injury and triggers aggression in narcissists and psychopaths.

Paradoxically, precisely because the partner is a mere generic, undifferentiated prop, as long as they are sexually catered to within the relationship, the autoerotic rarely cheat on their mates. At any rate, they are actually making love to themselves.

If s/he is masochistic, the autoerotic’s on the fly sex involves extreme self-trashing: sex with unwanted, little-known, or inappropriate partners in degrading circumstances or environments. Less commonly, cheating serve or even celibacy the same purpose of self-despoiling (“I am a bad, unworthy object”).

The self-trashing autoerotic abuses substances with the aim of disinhibiting herself and numbing herself to her socially unacceptable conduct and possible unconscious ego dystony.

Narcissists and psychopaths are an imitative “surface” only: there is no depth, just an empty schizoid core where a person should have been. They are carbon-based simulations.

As Hervey Cleckley noted already in 1942, these mutants prefer sexual self-trashing to normal sex and to mainstream trashing (BDSM).

Sexual SELF-trashing is defiant and reckless: it is assertive and involves self-efficacious agency, even when it is ego dystonic. By contradistinction, sexual trashing by OTHERS is an entirely submissive, even self-annihilating role which involves total objectification and ritualized helplessness.

Self-trashers and subs are easily mistaken for each other. Narcissists and psychopaths can never enjoy being the bottom masochistic sub: they need to control and to defy. They self-trash to gratify their masochism.

Narcissists and psychopaths view the world, sex included, as a zero sum game.

When they regard themselves as inferior or superior to a potential sex partner, they gravitate impulsively towards self-trashing casual sex.

When the possible mate is perceived as an equal peer, they decline to have a one night stand and instead insist on grooming, lovebombing, and an ensuing shared fantasy.

As narcissism and antisocial traits and behaviors become more normative and widespread, sexual self-trashing is rendered a common practice at least in the forms of “meaningless and emotionless sex” and flagrant serial cheating.


That is why the autoerotic - mainly narcissists and psychopaths - gravitate to group sex with total strangers even in early adolescence.

The autoerotic objectify not only themselves but also the partner, whose body they use as a sex toy, to masturbate with.

Thus, the partner’s identity is utterly incidental: he or she could be anonymous strangers encountered only minutes or a few hours before the act.

Casual sex is the autoerotic’s staple: in his committed relationships, s/he is typically sexless.

Sex with the autoerotic is an eerie sensation: disembodied, mechanical, non-reciprocated, infantile, and lonely as the autoerotic partners focus exclusively on their bodies and on their self-gratification.

The intimate partners of the autoerotic invariably develop sex aversion to them. The autoerotic’s solipsistic self-focus, defiance, and oblivion to the partner is also a narcissistic injury and triggers aggression
in narcissists and psychopaths.

Paradoxically, precisely because the partner is a mere generic, undifferentiated prop, as long as they are sexually catered to within the relationship, the autoerotic rarely cheat on their mates. At any rate,
they are actually making love to themselves.

If s/he is masochistic, the autoerotic’s on the fly sex involves extreme self-trashing: sex with unwanted, little-known, or inappropriate partners in degrading circumstances or environments. Less commonly,
cheating serve or even celibacy the same purpose of self-despoiling (“I am a bad, unworthy object”) ".

 

I can relate to some of what Prof. Sam Vaknin says at least pertaining to me, especially were he says " the Autoerotic person doesn't care whom they have sex with", I strongly disagree with that statement. 

Things that I relate to that Prof. Sam Vaknin talks of in his video above that I do relate to are;

1. I can't be intimate with human beings, yet I have had many good friendships, I am show much empathy and compassion for people, and animals, yet this is a the biggest reason I prefer to only have a male equine or male canine as my sexual partner.

It's best for me and it unfair of me to waste another human being's time investing in me as far as wanting me as a intimate partner in a monogamous relationship.

Especially a females, as I need a Dominate Man to use me for sex, thus I'd feel guilty that I was misleading her, as well as I knew the "troilism behavior" would arise again, 

and again I want her to find a Real Man, so she and I could both had sex with him.

When I was having sex with Men, I wanted them to use me as a sex object (sex prop), and say I had was filmed having sex with them, I am excited to later on view the film, and masturbate, as I seldom had a orgasm while actually being fucked by a Man, thus

I was using them as a "Sex Prop" as well, I often thought of my sex with humans as clinical like, I simply wanted to perform for Men routinely as often as they wanted use me in a " prostitute or courtesan role ".

A statement Prof. Sam Vaknin makes; " Self-trashers and subs are easily mistaken for each other. Narcissists and psychopaths can never enjoy being the bottom masochistic sub: they need to control and to defy. They self-trash to gratify their masochism ".

Thus he just stated I not a Narcissists and psychopath, because I am submissive sexually and 100% bottom for the right persons, I very care about the type of person I have sex with as far as cleanliness, kindness and mannerism as they need to Dominate me sexually. 

I  consider myself to very minimally masochistic, because I am very much to selective in the type of partner I will have sex with, I'm not into pain, harm stuff.

In my case, I strongly disagree when Prof. Sam Vaknin says " they don't care about the age of their sex partner, morally and ethically I very much understand the harm of having sex with a non-adult ", I've had sex with many 18-20 year old young Men, yet even then they have to be the Dominate partner, very much want to use me for sex.

The one thing I do know is that I can truly Love certain people, and I truly loved Edward my jack donkey partner, and George my canine companion(non-sexual) partner, I truly know I cared for them genuinely to the best of my ability, and but them before my own self interests.

Yet I believe being Autoerotic is a aspect of my sexual self ,

I know I am exhibitionistic as far as being nude for others to see, in that I like posing nude very much, yet why has always been difficult for me to truly understand.

I've never had a strong desire to be seen as I have sex with men, yet the few video of me being fucked by men or sucking their cock is very erotic to me, yet at same time it is very Affirming of my role as a female-receptive partner, and emasculating for me.

                   If wanting to be emasculated is self-trashing, then I'm self-trashing !

I don't think Narcissists and psychopaths have the ability to do truly care for others due to their lack of empathy.

 

        "This is a difficult Juggling Act, and why psychology is a tough field of study"

                                            and so often lacks the " Seal of Certainty "

narcissism-wikipedia

 

Normal and healthy levels of narcissism

Narcissism is an essential component of mature self-esteem and basic self-worth.[24][25][26][unreliable source?] In essence, narcissistic behaviors are a system of intrapersonal and interpersonal strategies devoted to protecting one's self-esteem.

It has been suggested that healthy narcissism is correlated with good psychological health. Self-esteem works as a mediator between narcissism and psychological health. Therefore, because of their elevated self-esteem, deriving from self-perceptions of competence and likability, high narcissists are relatively free of worry and gloom.

Destructive levels of narcissism

Narcissism, in and of itself, is a normal personality trait, however, high levels of narcissistic behavior can be damaging and self-defeating.[unreliable source?] Destructive narcissism is the constant exhibition of a few of the intense characteristics usually associated with pathological Narcissistic Personality Disorder such as a "pervasive pattern of grandiosity", which is characterized by feelings of entitlement and superiority, arrogant or haughty behaviors, and a generalized lack of empathy and concern for others.

On a spectrum, destructive narcissism is more extreme than healthy narcissism but not as extreme as the pathological condition.

(I have deep empathy for all living things, even bugs, aunts, flies etc.)

Pathological levels of narcissism

Main article: Narcissistic personality disorder

Extremely high levels of narcissistic behavior are considered pathological.[citation needed] The pathological condition of narcissism is, as Freud suggested, a magnified, extreme manifestation of healthy narcissism. Freud's idea of narcissism described a pathology that manifests itself in the inability to love others, a lack of empathy, emptiness, boredom, and an unremitting need to search for power, while making the person unavailable to others.[29] The clinical theorists KernbergKohut and Theodore Millon all saw pathological narcissism as a possible outcome in response to unempathic and inconsistent early childhood interactions. They suggested that narcissists try to compensate in adult relationships.[31] German psychoanalyst Karen Horney (1885–1952) also saw the narcissistic personality as a temperament trait molded by a certain kind of early environment.

( I can love, just not human beings in a loving/sexual role, if I had sex with a human being especially, I want them to use me as a sex object only)

If anything I have tendencies toward what psychologist and researcher Paul Wink describes;

as Covert or Vulnerability and Hypersensitivity type

According to psychologist and researcher Paul Wink, there are two faces of narcissism: The Overt or Grandiosity-Exhibitionism type, characterized by extraversion, self-assurance, and aggression,

and

The Covert or Vulnerability and Hypersensitivity type, characterized by introversion, defensiveness, anxiety, and vulnerability to life’s stressors.

As for an introverted narcissist, an individual who suffers from this disorder displays signs of:

  • Lack of self-confidence

  • Hyper-sensitivity

  • Anxiety

  • Insecurity

  • Low self-esteem

  • Timidity

 

 I personally feel I am empathic, and deeply care for the feeling of others, this was the main motive for my ending my behavior of exposing myself at the drive-up windows, I knew it was wrong and thus able to successfully end that behavior, by finding help through a counselor, as well as meeting Rachel and Albert, who were able to show me that my "Role" need to be as a female-roled sex partner for Males .....Only!, this enabled me to avoid any future ideation of ever being in the role of a Real Man with a female.

Actually the manner in which Rachel "handled" me was very therapeutic for me, put it this way, I was telling her she'd make a good " Dominatrix ", because she constantly was reminding me that I could never be a Real Man, so the best thing for me to do was be the best sissy slutboy possible.

Rachel treated me well, yet she also liked to tell me how to act, dress when I came over to serve Albert sexually, she was soon pegging me with a strap-on dildo routinely while I sucked Albert's penis.

I always had to wear a skirt and padded bra, she wanted me to wear "cage" at all times, look as feminine and slutty as I could, she made it clearly to me that Albert loved fucking me hard, love shooting his cum in my mouth and watching me savor it as I gobbled it down.

Rachel soon had me masturbating her, using a dildo on, both Albert and Rachel would use me for the own sexual pleasure alone with me or when all three of us were together.

The following is a good article;

Are There Really So Many Narcissists?

The term "narcissist" has entered common vernacular, but is likely overused.- psychologytoday.com

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Psychopathy, sometimes considered synonymous with sociopathy, is characterized by persistent antisocial behavior, impaired empathy and remorse, and bolddisinhibited, and egotistical traits

 

Core traits

Cooke and Michie (2001)[38] proposed a three-factor model of the Psychopathy Checklist-Revised which has seen widespread application in other measures (e.g. Youth Psychopathic Traits Inventory,[39] Antisocial Process Screening Device[40]).

  1. Arrogant and Deceitful Interpersonal Style: impression management or superficial charm, inflated and grandiose sense of self-worth, pathological lying/deceit, and manipulation for personal gain.

  2. Deficient Affective Experience: lack of remorse or guilt, shallow affect (coldness and unemotionality), callousness and lack of empathy, and failure to accept responsibility for own actions.

  3. Impulsive and Irresponsible Lifestyle: impulsivity, sensation-seeking and risk-taking, irresponsible and unreliable behavior, financially parasitic lifestyle and lack of realistic, long-term goals.

                                                                                                                                          - wikipedia

I truly don't fit into any of the above traits, except the risk-taking part of my sex life, yet I didn't want it to be risk-taking, it was the nature of having sex with lots of Men.

Prof. Sam Vaknin's video outline is on the verge of being a type of "Gaslighting"

 

Just because some  narcissists and psychopaths engage in Autoerotic behavior in a exhibitionist fashion means just that.!

After seeing Prof. Sam Vaknin's video and doing more research on narcissists, I think if I were a psychologist seeing a patient whom was seeing me do to their exhibitionistic behavior, and they came to me voluntarily, not court ordered, I'd be wondering if they are narcissistic, because narcissistic research shows that narcissistic individuals lack empathy, thus the question has to be " why is this patient voluntarily seeking help ?", then how ashamed do they feel about exposing themselves ?.

I just came across this article today; 10 Flaunting Signs of a Somatic Narcissist

" As we know, narcissists are people who tend to inflate their own importance, lack empathy for others, and need constant validation (1). How is a somatic narcissist different?

‘Somatic’ means ‘related to the body’, so somatic narcissism involves being very preoccupied or obsessed with one’s physical appearance and sexual attractiveness

(2).  A somatic narcissist uses their body and the physical space around them as a way to express their narcissism.

Their superiority and sense of entitlement come from their perception of their physical self.

They believe they are more beautiful, stronger, or fitter than others

(3). Flaunting their bodies, flex their muscles, and brag about the number of times people hit on them is typical behavior."

They are obsessed with how they look and think you should be too.

They specifically use their good looks for manipulation and think they entitle them to privilege above others 

A somatic narcissist will over-value and spend a lot of time and money on appearance.

They may display arrogance and grandiosity about their appearance or sexual attractiveness but underneath their shiny exterior, they are actually very insecure about it. 

                                                                                             - thenarcissisticlife.com

After reading the definition of somatic narcissist, this very much doesn't relate to me, number one I am indifferent, as to how people view me, I sure have no thoughts of being more beautiful, stronger, or fitter than others, as listed above.

I sure not obsessed with how I look, I just want to look clean and well groomed, my intention when posing nude, is to try to create nice poses, I do desire to express my femininity, express that I am female-roled.

I sure don't want a special privilege, due to my looks.

From a auto-erotic standpoint, my posing allows me be seen publicly as a Female-roled male, I however don't desire that anyone desire me sexually, male or female, I prefer to only be with a non-human male, if my audience was large breed intact Male dogs, then yes I'd want them to want to bred me!

For the most part I am Asexual and Autoerotic when relating to human beings because I can't have a intimate sexual relationship with any human being, that is the very reason I am a zoosexual,     

 I can only have an " intimate sexual relationship with a male donkey or male dog"

I was only having sex with Human males because my inability to find the right animal

partner to be my Man for me.

The Kinsey Institute sponsored another small survey on the topic in 2007, which found that self-identified asexuals "reported significantly less desire for sex with a partner, lower sexual arousability, and lower sexual excitation but did not differ consistently from non-asexuals in their sexual inhibition scores or their desire to masturbate".

Thus as a Asexual, I masturbate just as do normal people, yet have if I am with a animal partner like I was with Edward for 21 years, I never thought of having sex with human males, and my only attempt to be with a female in 1987, was a " Try at being normal ", I soon found that I was not suit to be a Real Man for a female, as soon as I stopped seeing the female, and remained loyal to Edward as his female surrogate partner until his death in 1996, my exhibitionistic behavior ended as soon as I again was loyally being bred by Edward in our monogamous relationship, I never again thought of cheating on him ever again.

I deeply regret not being able to say; " I was 100% loyal to Edward as his female partner for the entire 21 years he and I were together ".

My guess is, " if you interviewed 100 preferential / exclusive zoosexuals who have a male dog as their lover, male or female, they'd say that they prefer only to be with a male dog because it is a very intimate relationship, and they can't have a intimate relationship with a human "

I don't think I'm a narcissists or psychopath, or do I believe the individuals below are either, we are just engaged in Autoerotic behavior in a exhibitionist fashion,

                                                        and we are all Femboys.

The earliest Form of Autoerotic behavior in me was Auto-fellatio

I began sucking my own penis routinely at age 12, just as the Video below depicts;

I made the above video during my 1997 episode of exposing my erect penis to the females

at the drive-up windows, I'm wearing the brass cock ring, that I always wore while exposing.

220px-Autofel.svg.png

By the time I was about 30 years old I could only get the tip of my penis in my mouth because I grew in height so much

I truly don't like showing myself publicly like below, with a erection

Because my penis was about as large at age 13-14 as it ever would be, (6-7inch), I could get my entire penis into my mouth so my testes were laying on my face as video below depicts.

My Main objective here was to try to show that I felt Exhibitionistic behavior can be a form of Auto-Erotic behavior as I feel it is in my case, just as my Troilism behavior is as well. 

And all the research I done on Exhibitionistic behavior,  Prof. Sam Vaknin is the only person whom as stated that Exhibitionism is or can be a form of Autoeroticism.

I also believe the Exhibitionistic aspect of posing nude for Artists, and making my nude

posing video's then posting them on my Vimeo and Archive.org sites, greatly helps me express my sexually identity, thus an Affirmation of my being a;

                            -Female-roled male / surrogate female for Males-

I can express as well my being a Former practicing zoosexual, my role for 21 years as a surrogate female for my jack donkey Edward, which in turn completely psychologically

emasculated me, thus I feel and only desire to be treated sexually like I'm female.

                                     My Penis is the Problem

 "I would be best suited if I didn't have a penis, and instead had a female looking vulva"

Fem-007.gif

A paradox for me has always been, is that I have always preferred just being a "surrogate female partner" for either jack donkeys like Edward or a large intact male dogs, thus looking female for them was really not important to them, yet still it is to me.

Compared to being a " surrogate female partner " for a human male, I feel that for a heterosexual male to take me as, say his " wife ", I need to at least show him that I am fully emotionally and physically emasculated, even then the chances of a heterosexual male taking me as his wife or simply fully time female-roled sex partner is unlikely.

For example; I've always wanted to pose for artists after having breast implants and having my penis replaced with a zero-depth vagina( I love being penetrated anally, thus no reason to change that, and most men liked the tightness of my bottom) 

pregnant femboy1.jpg
I love being bred by a big dog7.jpg

The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) describes the essential feature of  exhibitionism and the other paraphilias as recurrent, intense, sexual urges and sexually arousing fantasies generally involving nonhuman objects, the suffering or humiliation of oneself or partner, or children or other non consenting persons. The diagnostic criteria for Exhibitionism is:

A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving the exposure of one's genitals to an unsuspecting stranger.

B. The person has acted on these urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.

In general, professionals disagree whether exhibitionism should be considered a disorder of impulse control or whether it falls within the spectrum of obsessive-compulsive disorders (OCD's).

   Just want to be a female partner for male equines and canines,

         " a transsexual female-receptive zoosexual"

       My Conclusion as how I over came all desire

                       to expose myself again

 

                                                    " to unsuspecting Women "

                                                             Once I started;

 

 

 #  Starting to Pose Nude for Artists at Art Museum

                                                                            and

                     Art Students in College Life Drawing Classes 

                                                    (Fall of 1997)

 #  Being able to have Rachel watch me,   (summer of 1997)

                          as Albert and Clyde bred me like a female

I'd been spending as much time as possible at Rachel and Alberts home kinda as a houseboy, not only was I performing as Albert's slut-boy and getting bred by Clyde their rottweiler, but I was doing a lot fix-up stuff around their house, cleaning and taking Clyde for walks, house sit/dog sit when they went out of town mainly to watch Clyde.

                                               (Clyde bred me intensively until 2001)

 Expressing myself by making my nude posing videos

                 then being able to post them on Vimeo to be

                       seen by the public (with a mature rating)

Psychologically I am a " male to female type transsexual "

I've been able to express myself like in video below for example in regards to;

 My desire to have surgery so my body would look female like because psychologically I have always only wanted to be in the female sexual role for males

intro 6a artist model-transsexual wanta be3.jpg