Like the aspect listed above “Unconscious desire to avoid betrayal or metabolize the one suffered” ;
I believe my choice to be Edward's female receptive partner was due to the " certainty ",
stability that he was always there for me, he was always eager and willing to breed me, thus giving me affirmation of my sexual role.
And I was very much more sexually attracted to him then I ever could be to a human being.
-Warning this journal contains sexual content-
-Warning this journal contains sexual content-
-Warning this journal contains sexual content-
Though this journal could be the outline for an erotic novel, it is my object to understand my sexual history, thus understand my sexual identity and orientation.
One of my objectives of my web journal and videos is to bring light to the consequences of early childhood sexual abuse at age 6 which deeply imprinted in me the need to be a submissive female receptive partner for males. I was routinely performing fellatio on males by age 7.
My need to be Used by Males for sex
By age 13, I was able to suck my own penis, that became my method of masturbation,
which soon manifested into me becoming a female receptive partner for my male " jack " donkey lover Edward at age 13 and soon I was sucking his penis and ingesting his semen as often as possible, which in turn deeply emasculated and completely psychologically femininized me, to point my whole purpose in life was to serve Edward sexually and care for him as my Dominate Male.
I had a brief two-month episode of being sexually used by a fellow student as his femboy, and his older friends who routinely were using my bottom for penetrating, until someone spread the news that I was performing sexually for guys, and I was publicly shamed and humiliated through-out the school.
I stopped being with the guys as their female-receptive femboy
Because my older boyfriend had introduced to me the proper way to clean and prepare my bottom for anal sex, and showed to me that I was able to take a large penis up inside
me without pain, I soon was able to be penetrated by Edward my jack donkey.
I remained solely Edwards female-receptive partner performing fellatio on him and being bred by him many times weekly
Not until 1986 did I seek help and I started working with mental health professionals since after my condition developed into a Exhibitionistic Disorder and Troilism Disorder, after attempting to try to be like a Normal Man with a Female partner, which Failed due the fact that I was so deeply psychologically emasculated, I only felt I could be female-receptive.
(I never revealed to my therapist that I was a practicing zoosexual at that time)
Once I returned to just being Edward's female receptive partner the Troilism disorder and exhibitionistic disorder went away
Just the complexity of what the trauma of the sexual assaults could do to one's mind has taken a lifetime to sort out, try to deal with, from the gender identity disorder, my zoosexuality and other things such as being highly submissive and Troilism Disorder.
For me, I think modeling nude, making the pose videos has always been away to express my femininity, and helped me remain celibate as a female-receptive zoosexual, which I considered my sexual orientation from 1975 to 2001, though I spend much time as a female receptive partner for male human partners from 1998 to 2000, as a caged submissive slut. (though not for pay, very much like a on-call sex worker)
Though I been celibate since 2001, the struggle has been very tough.
After many years as a alcoholic I finally had to live in a alcohol rehabilitation facility for 2 years to overcome that addiction.
I do believe my objective has been sincere, it that the reason for talking about these topics is to maybe help better understand childhood sexual abuse and what it can lead to, these video's have been way to express myself in a way I could never put into words, and at same time helping me try to understand and deal with the dilemma of how the sexual assaults by much older men so deeply shaped my life.
How it manifested in so many different directions, until I didn't I didn't know what was what.
The Story I try to tell,
do the explicitness and unable to show in a Mimesis form much of the subject matter, is written as in Diegesis form.
From my point of view;
this might be the best way to understand a Female-roled third-gender, zoosexual person.
(WHAT IS DIEGESIS: A FILM DEFINITION FOR INDEPENDENT FILMMAKERS)
In story writing and filmmaking, various rules and stylistic techniques are tools to produce the elements of the fictional worlds that characters are a part of. In the film world, diegesis is a term that is frequently used to describe the unique made-up worlds within a story. Essentially, a diegesis film definition would make sense to include details about the interior view of the world in which the story is taking place. We refer to this as the diegetic world. But what does all of this mean? - beverlyboy.com
Because of the nudity and sexual content of this site most pages require password
This Journal is more or less a Hodge podge copulation of :
"Like a Actor preparing for a script in order to be convincing"
Thoughts, memories and ideas of,
my life as a sexually inverted person, and a female-roled zoosexual
and a nude artists model
I started posing nude for Art Classes due to my love of drawing, and my desire to be around artist
and always dreamed of being a artist
Once I was posing, it was a great role for me,
it made me feel good, I felt I was playing a
important role for the artists and student artists.
And ever since early childhood I loved just being nude, and would spend
much time alone in woods walking nude, free from civilization.
Childhood sexual abuse
Alot of my reasearch centers around my being sexual abused as a child and how the trauma from that shaped my sexual inversion, my needing to be submissive for a Dominate male sex partners, my becoming a female receptive submissive zoosexual
To the point of, I was only able to be the female receptive partner for a large breed dog
I checked myself into a Alcohol Rehabilitation Center in 2013
and was there as in patient (2013-2015),
During my rehab. a spent a good amount of time researching my sexual dilemmas
After rehab. until present
I took on / began; the endeavor/deep dive into confronting the reasoning for my being a
(my male partner was Edward, a jack donkey, he passed away 1996)
submissive female-roled homosexual, transsexual type
(100% female-roled / sexually inverted).
As a sexual slut for many Men
female-roled partner for my great dane lover Max🐾
(unfortunately due to new bestiality laws, Max and I were only lovers for about 8 months)
How posing nude for life drawing classes and how posing helped me understand and cope with my gender and sexual identity dilemmas.
How my love of drawing, it's great meditative value helped me successfully beat alcohol addiction.
Posing helped with my gender identity disorder, allowed me to express
my femineity to a certain degree
Continued to research concerning these topics, correlation between them and trying to recall events of my life, my feelings at the time, since age 6 years old until present.
Posing for Art classes was a very good social activity to for me start as well because I was having a very hard time since Edward my donkey partner died in 1996, when I was with him, I did little as far as social type things.By late 1997, I'd been able to get through the grieving process with Edward's passing to see I needed to quite isolating, move on with life, I started actually having interest in finding a new jack donkey lover.Not that I was looking for (human) boyfriend, yet by chance a college student in one of my classes asked me one evening after class if I was homosexual, I told yes I was female-roled 100% bottom and always had been.He then quite directly asked if I wanted to perform fellatio on him, I said I would like to, we walked to his car where I able to pleasure him.Soon I was performing sexually for him by routinely performing fellatio on him as his submissive female-roled sex partner. (he called me his "sissy slut")My new boyfriend, would then go onto introducing me to friends, whom would have me perform sexually for them, they'd introduce me to another, until it wasn't long before I was performing sexually 7 days a week for the most part. -Even being a male that is a Nude is taboo-
Celibacy 2000 to present
Because I consider myself primarily a female-roled zoosexual, in that I if were able too,I would have only been the female-roled partner for a jack donkey like my Edward or the femaled-roled partner for a male great dane like my Max, however the bestiality laws of 2001 caused my to become 100% celibate and have been 100% celibate now 22 years.
Other wise I wouldn't be publicly writing this journal
I wanted to make this journal as a study for a testimonial type writing due to;
Lack of life Stories, Testimonials from
homosexual transsexuals and zoosexuals
After many years of intense research on the the topics of male to female transsexual
and zoosexuality I have found very little in regard to writings like;
" The Autobiography of an Androgyne, The female-impersonators
June expressed a lifelong desire to be a woman, June consistently used he/him pronouns in reference to himself in his own writing. June wrote of feeling like a combination of male and female
" June published his first autobiography, The Autobiography of an Androgyne in 1918, and his second, The Female-Impersonators in 1922. This makes June one of the earliest instances of someone who is transgender or gender nonconforming in American history to publicize their own story. In June's preface to the book, June explains that he has kept diaries of his life and that his autobiography has been taken from those.
June organized the book into episode-like sections, wherein he discusses incidents in his life as well as his opinions on certain social matters. June's stated goal in writing the book was to rally the support of Americans to create an accepting environment for young adults who do not adhere to gender and sexual norms, because that was what June would have wanted for himself, and he wanted to prevent them from committing suicide. June discusses his desires, which he struggled with because they were so different to what was considered normal.
The memoir describes in detail many personal narratives as well as June's sexual encounters and desires, including the story of his castration, but also contains pleas for understanding and acceptance of "fairies". The Autobiography of an Androgyne also describes how June felt that he lived a double life in the sense that he was an educated, middle-class white male scholar, but also had intense yearnings for performing sexual acts that distressed him " -wikipedia
" At eighteen, June became so depressed about being an invert that he sought medical help to make him feel like a "normal male." The two New York medical professors he went to first, venereologist Dr. Prince A. Morrow (1846 - 1913) and then alienist Dr. Robert S. Newton both saw inversion as a defect, and attempted for months to cure him of it by every known method. (Alienist was an early Victorian word for a psychiatrist.) June's treatments included drugs, hypnosis, aphrodisiacs in the hope of making June attracted to women, and electrical stimulation of the brain and spinal cord (electroconvulsive therapy). These treatments had no effect: June remained an invert, depressed, and also a nervous wreck from the drugs. It is understood today that trying to make someone stop being LGBT (called conversion therapy) is not effective, and is even abusive "
June had extreme desire to perform fellatio,
claiming to have partaken in over sixteen hundred sexual encounters in the span of a dozen years.
This I can very much relate to as myself have always had the extreme desire to perform fellatio, and even more extreme desire to be penetrated anally.
In 2000 I was living/performing as a house caged slut at Indigo House for room and board, It was as safe as could be as far as STD's.
I was getting gang-banged nearly daily by 20-50 men a day, often 7 days a week, 8-10 hours a day, so I was getting topped anywhere from 600-1500 times a month some months, some months less, so more.
Yet every day I wished it was Edward, or Max I was with
With Edward and Max I didn't need to worry about STD's,
then in 1980's when HIV hit the country
Ever since I started posing nude for Life drawing classes, I at same time was making my nude pose videos in woods, etc., thus I have documented myself on video since 1997 until present 2022.
Only thing I would of liked to have been different would be,
" I wish I'd been wearing "Cage" in all of my videos "
thus never revealed my penis
I know from this date forward I wouldn't make any pose videos without wearing a cage.
I think wearing the cage greatly reflects/expresses my;
"need to be 100% female-roled, female sexually receptive"
(shows I am unable to perform like a man)
Discription on Paw-Prints Series:
Do to the fact that the majority of my life I was the female-roled partner for my lover/companion Edward who was a jack(male) donkey for 21 years, (1975-1996) until he passed away due to old age, then in 2000 I became the female-roled partner for Max a male great dane, yet due to a new law which passed in the state in 2001 which I resided in prohibiting me having a male great dane as my partner/lover, I had to become celibate and thus I have been celibate since 1/1/2001.
I believe because I befriended Edward my jack donkey at age 10 and spent as much time as possible with him developed a loving friendship, then when I reached puberty, and knowing I was a feminine transsexual type, and only desired a male partner, and found myself then attracted to Edward not only as a best friend, but as my male lover as well.
Once Edward and I had attempted to have him breed me and found he could successfully breed me just as he did the female donkeys, I seen it as " I was like a surrogate female for him to breed ", thus for 21 years I was his female surrogate, I tried several times to be a normal male, and have a girl-friend, yet I only wanted to be with Edward.
Though I have to respect the law, because I was always the female receptive partner, and very much always felt Edward and then Max always wanted to be my male partner.
Or for example I agree with the following paper " The Unjustified Prohibition against Bestiality: Why the Laws in Opposition Can Find No Support under the Harm Principle " by Michael Roberts
The Unjustified Prohibition against Bestiality: Why the Laws in Opposition Can Find No Support under the Harm Principle: papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1328310
My role is Set as a female-receptive/surrogate female for males
My role is Set as a female-receptive/surrogate female for males and manifestations of;
As I look back now after 50 years of my sexual history it is clear to my that due to being forcefully sexually assaulted and penetrated anally at age 7, then again sexually assaulted at age 12.
By age 13 my sexual role was firmly set and unchangeable as female receptive partner for males only, whether it be a human male, a donkey male or a large male dog, being 100% is the only role that I feel viable being in sexually.
I think because the exhibitionistic behavior started after the troilism behavior, I always felt I wanted humiliated, felt sorry for, because I couldn't perform like a Real Man, at least there was that thought feeling in my mind.
The troilism part: I wanted her to met a male partner in hopes she could watch as I performed fellatio on or was penetrated anally by new boyfriend (felt alot of guilt/shame),
I think I was sincerely wishing just maybe I could be like a Normal Man with a female, and when the troilism ideation sprung up that ended my hopes of being with female as a viable Male.
I was living with Edward and was actively being bred by him nearly daily at this time, I have never been erect when with Edward or Max or Men, yet if and when I ejaculated, I was always completely limp/with no erection.
I would at times have spontaneous ejaculation (mental induced orgasms) while performing fellatio.
Consumed by trollism disorder and exhibitionistic disorders
I think because I became so quickly consumed by trollism disorder and exhibitionistic disorders after trying to be a Male partner for females, these disorders disappeared once I went back to being only a female-receptive partner for Edward.
Because on the first occurrence, both disorders appeared in 1986 after trying to be a Male partner for a Female, yet was living with Edward, once I'd went back to just being Edward's female-receptive partner, the disorders disappeared.
Again in 1997, after briefly attempting to be with a Female after Edward's death, both disorders again consumed me, and even more intensely and more risky ways and again I had to seek psychological counseling, the counseling in both 1986 and 1997 seemed of little help.
Only after I started modeling nude for artists in life drawing classes 1997, was I able to stop exposing my erect penis to unsuspecting adult females.
In 1986, I had Edward, I had never lost my sexual desire for him, and by ceasing my attempt to be with a female as a viable male partner the troilism behavior instantly ended.
I think by going through the exhibitionistic behavior, showed me or at least I felt it shamed or shocked me into realizing that due to my becoming so deeply psychologically emasculated, my proper role was to be only Edward's female-receptive partner, there was never a moment when I felt shame for being Edward's surrogate female.
After Edward's death in spring of 1996, I was very upset and had little interest in finding a new partner, yet when spring of 1997, I knew I needed to find a new jack donkey who would take me as his surrogate female-receptive partner.
I didn't yet have internet access so, I called alot of equine boarding stables in hopes of finding some leads as to where I find a jack donkey for sale.
I was desperate by summer 1997 to find a jack donkey similar in size to Edward, a mature jack hopeful with a history as a Stud, thus experience breeding, I was meeting some smaller stallion horses, yet no jack donkeys.
A friend set me up on a blind date, I thought why not, after dating for a short while, yet sincerely making a attempt again to be a viable male partner for a female, yet very quickly my troilism behavior surfaced again as in 1986, and I was soon obsessed with having my girlfriend find a a boyfriend whom she would have sex with then tell me about it, I hoped she'd tell me he was much better a lover then me.
I a short time she was dating a guy a routinely having sex with him, then she would tell me about it, I'd ask her questions like; did he make you have great orgasms, was his cock bigger then mine, did you like sucking his cock etc.
My exhibitionistic behavior would start soon after she was routinely having sex with her other lovers, she had 3 guys she was seeing for sex, My method of of exposing myself was the same as 1986, only difference was I had started shaving my gential area so I am completely smooth hair-free, and because it was summer I be completely nude, I'd have a towel to cover myself until up while driving in my car in case minors or men would have the chance of seeing me in this pathetic state.
After I drove around looking for a drive-up where I could see that there was a female, at least what I thought to be 18 years of age or older working the drive-up, and I decided on a certain drive-up was right.
I'd get my penis fully erect by stroking it as I waited in line, once I was about to pull up to the window, I'd stop stroking my penis, with my penis now fully exposed sticking straight up and ready to ejaculate for her to see, I'd pull on up to the window, have my money ready, as I handed her my money and turned toward her, thus enabling her to get a good view of my erect penis, often at that point I began ejaculate uncontrollably as soon as I knew she was looking at my penis.
Or I might ejaculate as I reached up to hand her my money or as she handed me my order, in all cases I would ejaculate while she viewed me in the process of ejaculating.
I most often would say to her " I am sorry for doing this "
( I was in a completely surreal state of mind, I didn't understand why I was doing this)
At each drive-up window episode, due to the erotic humiliation, the extreme vulnerability of being in that state before the female viewing me, I would always ejaculate uncontrollably during some stage of being viewed by her, always during the the actual exposing of myself to her I would feel extremely pathetic, submissive, yet extremely aroused from the extreme vulnerability.
I always felt so pathetic after each event, due to the fact I ejaculated each time I was in a my sexual refractory state of mind as I drove away from the window, I soon be feeling ashamed and pathetic, I always hoped I would to arrested so I could maybe get help.
Luckly I seen the ad in local arts publication, " nude models needed for life drawing classes ",
I applied for the job, thinking it might be a outlet for my need to be seen nude by females, and it would be in a publicly acceptable context that wouldn't cause harm,shame etc..
Though posing for artists did eliminate my exposing myself to the women in the drive-up window fashion, the urge to do so remained, then by luck again, by Dec. 1997 a sexy young black male college student, whom was in one of my life drawing classes seduced me into giving him a blow-job.
After I had sucked his cock and swallowed his cum, I felt so good being in that role for him that I told him I'd like to start giving him a blow-job every day if he wished me to, and I very much wanted him to start butt fucking me.
The next night he gave me a good hard butt-fucking, from then on he started having me give him a blow-job or was fucking 3 to 7 times a week.
All my thoughts of exposing myself disappeared, yet I was ever wanting eroticly humilitated by my boyfriend, I was asking him to call me his pathetic sissy slut.
Then one day while at his apartment and after I'd finished giving him a blow-job, a friend of his stopped by to talked to him for a minute, after his friend left I told my boyfriend I thought his friend was sexy, my boyfriend then asked me if I like to suck his cock, I told him yes if he wanted me to, within 15 minutes my boyfriend was calling his friend who had just left. My boyfriend was able to reach him on phone, as I listened he told his friend that I wanted to suck his cock,
within another 15 minutes I was on my knees being fucked by my boyfriend as I sucked his friends cock.
For maybe two weeks I was serving both of my men very often, sometimes they'd double team, sometimes individualy, main thing for me was I getting used for sex alot, but it still wasn't enough, I wanted it constantly.
Things started moving rapidly, by Feb. 1998 I was a slut for two more college guys, and because I was telling all my boyfriends that I was available as a slut for any guys they might know, whom they felt were clean, healthy and safe for me, I be willing to meet them as long as they were 18 years old.
So in a very short time I was meeting alot of 18-19 year old guys who were often fucking me on the first date using a condom, by March I was serving about a dozen guys multiple times a week.
All I knew was I was no longer interested in the exhibitionistic behavior, and that was wonderful because that had caused me so much guilt and shame.
I was very content being a slut, as long as I never had the urge to expose myself again as I did with the females at the drive-up windows.
I never felt shame or guilt being a slut, I loved the sexual attention the guys were giving me
By about April, I had being party fucked nearly every weekend by 10 to 30 guys, plus serving 1-3 guys 5 days a week, by then I was getting penetrated 50-100 times every week by men, it continued like this until Feb of 2000 when I joined the Indigo Group as a submissive caged slut, there I was primarily gang-banged everyday in 4-6 gang-bang sessions daily, each gang-bang session would be 10-30 guys fucking me wearing condoms, thus I was getting penetrated 50-120 or so times 5 days a week, it was common for me to have been penetrated 500 times a week.
Though I didn't clearly understand it at the time as to what brought on my exhibitionistic disorder, yet I did know it quickly disappeared after ending my attempt to be with a female and be heterosexual, and by then taking my proper role as a submissive female-receptive partner for men, then even more it more understood when in April of 2000 I became a female-receptive partner for Max the great dane, at that time I knew I needed to be only a female-receptive surrogate female partner for Max.
Ever since Max took me as his surrogate female to breed, and he very much breed me intensely for 8 months, I knew my role was to only be a surrogate female-receptive partner for large intact male dogs.
I do know since 1997, then taking my role as a 100% exclusive female-receptive partner for males, I have never had the exhibitionistic urge ever again!
Though I have been celibate since 2001, I can honestly say, the only difficulty I battle is my strong desire to find a large intact male dog to live with and be my male lover/companion.
After reading about So-called “conversion therapy,” sometimes known as “reparative therapy,” ( Conversion therapy is any attempt to change a person’s sexual orientation)
American Psychiatric Association:
... In 1997 APA produced a fact sheet on homosexual and bisexual issues, which states that “there is no published scientific evidence supporting the efficacy of “reparative therapy” as a treatment to change one’s sexual orientation.”
The potential risks of “reparative therapy” are great and include depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior, since therapist alignment with societal prejudices against homosexuality may reinforce self-hatred already experienced by the patient.
Many patients who have undergone “reparative therapy” relate that they were inaccurately told that homosexuals are lonely, unhappy individuals who never achieve acceptance or satisfaction.
The possibility that the person might achieve happiness and satisfying interpersonal relationships as a gay man or lesbian are not presented, nor are alternative approaches to dealing with the effects of societal stigmatization discussed...
Therefore, APA opposes any psychiatric treatment, such as “reparative” or “conversion” therapy, that is based on the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or is based on the a priori assumption that the patient should change his or her homosexual orientation.
" I very much believe my sexual role is to be a female-receptive surrogate female for a Large intact Male dog or several dogs to breed me daily or as often as they desired,
a very important aspect of my role has always been to be ready and eager to be bred constantly. And I don't think it can be changed "
" I know that having a Male's penis up inside my bottom,
is the greatest feeling in the world for me "
By Far, my greatest regret, my most shameful act
in life was exposing myself to the females in the way
I did, putting them in a situation such as I did