" Female trapped in a male body "

Feminine essence concept of transsexuality

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

" In the study of transsexualism, the essentialist idea of a feminine essence refers to the proposal that male-to-female transsexuals are females trapped in male bodies. This idea has been interpreted in many senses, as a female mind, spirit, soul, personality, etc., as well as in more literal senses such as having a female brain structure; it is also a psychological narrative, that is, a self-description of how some transsexuals see themselves, or of how they may portray themselves to qualify for certain medical treatments."

for myself , the predominant feeling since childhood has been " I should be a female ", then since puberty ;

" I want so much to be in the female sexual role for a male, and want him to treat me like he would a female sexually "

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 MtF transsexual type consists of extremely feminine men who are exclusively sexually attracted to men; they are usually referred to as homosexual MtF transsexuals. 


          In my case ;  exclusively sexually attracted to maleness or a sexual partner whom can impregnate me with his sperm, which Edward my male donkey partner was able to do in a very " ideal way " for me.                                                                                                                                  


I would say " women trapped in men’s bodies " describes how I have always felt in a simple way, and how it relates to myself feeling as though " I should be female, because I seemed to like what girls liked, I wanted to have a female body, and I have always wanted men to treat me like a female sexually, as well as having the desire to get pregnant.

I have taken many,many  sex role tests , always answering the questions as honestly able to do

Results of a few of these tests

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" Feminine essence concept of transsexuality "

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Pair-bonding for me was what I knew I wanted early on, and in a Monogamous way, I liked it that my two boyfriends that were treating me like a girl sexually at age 13, yet I also knew they were simply using me for their sexual pleasure.

Thus, when I found that Edward could penetrate and impregnate me anally like my two boyfriends had been doing, and with a very much higher amount of semen, Edward symbolized to me a much higher degree of "Maleness" due to his much longer penis, yet even more so the large amount of semen he would ejaculate up inside me.

Yet the ability to be with Edward in a Monogamous / pair-bonded way is the main reason I wanted to only be with him as his female roled partner.

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I had little to no desire to climax / ejaculate myself,

                          " my primary desire is to be impregnated with sperm "

 (a Metaphysical statement in away, as I know I can't get pregnant, yet greatly desire to be )


                   " Spontaneous erection and masturbation in equids "

                                                                     S. M. McDonnell, M. Henry* and F. Bristoif




Pasture breeding Belgian horses (n = 2) and donkeys (n = 2) were studied by continuous direct observation during daylight hours for periods of 9-18 days. These males had been kept in relatively free-ranging or pasture conditions for most of their lives. One jack had never been stabled.

In spite of unlimited access to females and intense breeding, these stallions and jacks exhibited frequent masturbation.

One horse, observed for IO2 h over a IO-day period. bred 58 times and masturbated 44 times; the other horse, observed for 100 h over a 9-day period, bred 26 times and masturbated 15 times.

One jack, observed for 107 h over a 16-day period, bred 107 times and masturbated 24 times; the other jack, observed for 216 h over an 18-day period, bred 133 times and masturbated 58 times. No ejaculation during masturbation was observed.

Two all-male groups at pasture were observed.

One consisted of 10 pony stallions, the other of 6 donkey jacks. The mean interval between episodes of spontaneous erection and masturbation for each animal ranged from appmximately l-3 h for both stallions and jacks. No ejaculations were seen. The pastured jacks went exposed to jennies for collection of semen once weekly, during which time masturbation was frequently observed during the usually prolonged pre-copulatory interval. Similar pre-copulatory masturbation was not seen in the pony stallions during twice-weekly.

As seen in the study above jack donkeys are able to breed quite often, thus once I became Edward's female sexual partner and he clearly took me as mate, and by my signaling to him that I was in " heat " by turning to him and offering him my nude bottom, he was generally interested and able to mount and breed me as often as I myself was able to take his penis up inside my bottom.

If I wasn't able to take Edward anally, I would take his semen orally , which was often as 10-12 times in a very long day spent with him (10-15 hours)

       Sex with Edward

                          His role as "My Man"

     His role of " psychologically emsculating me "

     His role of " making me feel female "

Edward had the ability to femininize/emasculate me psychologically to such a intensely high degree, no words can explain it.


I had good days and bad days as far as my ability to take Edward's penis up inside my bottom, some days he might breed me once, yet for what ever reason I be to sore to take him anally again that day, or I just couldn't get my bottom completely clean enough, usually due to something I eaten earlier.

Yet the next day , he might mount and breed me, and 15-20 minutes later he is breeding me again and the rest of the day breeding me every 1-3 hours, thus maybe 5-10 times in a long day.

    Due to the fact that I seldom ever ejaculated, I however was continuely leaking pre-cum from my penis.

                   " I was Continuely in Heat for him "

          Which was the role I wanted to be in for him,

          I wanted to constantly be ready for him to breed

Edward was very similar in penis size to the zebra stallion to the right, Just knowing he was going to fill me with so much semen, was what psychologically femininzed / emasculated me so intensely.

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By chance I was lucky to have met Edward, as I look back on it the chances that I would of met a heterosexual human male whom would of partnered with me in a full time monogamous relationship and take me as their female-roled sexual partner was not likely.

  Due to Edward's great ability to make me feel so,so female by intensely breeding me,

I had no need to try to pass as a female by having surgery and taking hormones to feminize my body in order to appear female like in order to attract a human male.

Edward was clearly content with my ability to perform as a female, be a partner he could breed.

Even though I very much knew I could never really get pregnant, having his sperm swimming inside me, very much feminized / emasculated me to the highest degree.

With human males so often they had to wear condoms when penetrating me anally, thus I couldn't get the intensely feminizing effect of being impregnated with semen, let alone get breed as many as 10 times in 10-12 hour period ocassional, yet routinely 1-2 times daily.

Weekends,days off much more, like 5-6 times he would ejaculate.

I was with Edward 21 years and generally at the end of most weeks Edward had mounted and ejaculated inside my bottom 10-20 times, and ejaculated in my mouth 10-15 times or vice versa, or 20-40 times Edward would ejaculate. Yet if I was off work for week, Edward was able to breed me 5-10 times a day if I was able, usually we'd take walk at about 8am get back to barn, were I'd get my pants off, turn my nude bottom to him in a "offer", he most often would eagerly mount and breed me, I'd then wash his penis off, making sure it was clean of any veg. oil I used to lube my bottom, then feed him. After a hour I'd "offer" him again, he'd breed me again, generally we could do this nearly every hour til about 6pm or until I was sore, thus in a week he could, if all went well breed me 50-70 times.

 In 1969, Harry Benjamin claimed to have been the first to use the term "transsexual" in a public lecture, which he gave in December 1953.[16] Benjamin went on to popularize the term in his 1966 book, The Transsexual Phenomenon, in which he described transsexual people on a scale (later called the "Benjamin scale") of three levels of intensity: "Transsexual (nonsurgical)", "Transsexual (moderate intensity)", and "Transsexual (high intensity)".[17][18][19] In his book, Benjamin described "true" transsexualism as the following:

" True transsexuals feel that they belong to the other sex, they want to be and function as members of the opposite sex, not only to appear as such. For them, their sex organs, the primary (testes) as well as the secondary (penis and others) are disgusting deformities that must be changed by the surgeon's knife.[20] "   - wikipedia

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seeing my testes is inappropriate in matching my mind's idea of ; 


                               " I should be female "

I've always dreamed of having a female body, with primary desire to have my testes and penis removed to show a male sexual partner that I'm fully emasculated, and completely female receptive sexually and desire to be bred like a female.

   With Edward as a sexual partner, though I dreamed of looking female, I never felt a strong need to look female like for him , my main concerns with the sex interaction between Edward and I was the mechanics of the act it's self : 

  * Being prepared / ready to be able to get his penis up inside myself safely for both he and I.

 In 1975 when Edward and I started having sex, which started out as " me masturbating and sucking his penis until he ejaculated into my mouth ", at time I didn't know what being " Transsexual " was or meant.

    After Edward did penetrate me and ejaculate up inside me (breed me), I simply knew I could never be a " Man ", nore did I desire to be, I very much only wanted to be Edward's female-roled sexual partner.


Medical diagnosis

Transsexualism no longer is classified as a mental disorder in the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD). The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) and many transsexual people had recommended this removal,[51] arguing that at least some mental health professionals are being insensitive by labelling transsexualism as a "disease" rather than as an inborn trait, as many transsexuals believe it to be.[52] Now, instead, it is classified as a sexual health condition; this classification continues to enable healthcare systems to provide healthcare needs related to gender.[53] The eleventh edition was released in June 2018. The previous version, ICD-10, had incorporated transsexualism, dual role transvestism, and gender identity disorder of childhood into its gender identity disorder category. It defined transsexualism as "[a] desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by a sense of discomfort with, or inappropriateness of, one's anatomic sex, and a wish to have surgery and hormonal treatment to make one's body as congruent as possible with one's preferred sex."

                                                                                                                                                                                               - wikipedia

After Edward did start penetrating and ejaculating up inside my bottom, he became accustomed quickly knowing  that when I showed him my nude bottom, and bending over as this pose, it signaled to him I was ready to be mounted, and for the following 21 years it was our routine.

Edward and mine routine was pretty much as seen as above

" As a Male to Female Transsexual type person, and from a real life, everyday needs perspective "

  * I always had a great need for " Affirmation of my value as a female-roled sexual person ,to have my feminity confirmed, thus I have worked at being as skilled as possible performing sexually like a female for my male partner.

  * I have always had a great need to have a male sexual partner whom could put me in the female role, treat me like I am a female ,

  * I need a male whom I  can completely submit to sexually on a routine (daily, and as often as possible)

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This was my primary method of masturbation until the age of about 35, and at that time it became much more difficult to perform.

Things happened fast as soon as I experince puberty, then first having a true orgasm, soon I realized I could suck my own penis, which soon was a everyday routine, then I found the Edward my donkey friend would allow me to suck his penis, which soon became a daily routine.

  Then when school started in the fall, a sexy black fellow student took me as his "femboy" and had me suck his penis most everyday, within a few weeks he introduced me to a older male friend whom I started sucking as well.

   Then one day this older male friend asked me if I like to have him slide his penis up inside my bottom and ejaculate, I told him I wanted to try, so the next day when we met so I could give him his blow-job, he surprised me with a gift, which was a 2 foot long double ended dildo, he then explained to me the need to get my bottom clean prior to getting butt-fucked, how to inject veg. oil in my bottom then work the dildo in and out of my bottom until I was completely clean, and could get as much of the 2 foot up in me as possible.

  That night I tried his method using the dildo, was able to get about a foot of it in me , the next day when I met him to give him his blow-job , I was very excited to tell him that I had used the dildo, got very clean, and I very much wanted his penis up inside me, he told me to go back home and get prepped / clean using the dildo as I had done then meet him back here in a hour, then he would slide his cock up inside me.

   I went home did as he asked, got my bottom clean and prepared to take his penis, I was crazy excited on my return to see him, he was setting on a fallen log when I arrived, and as I approached he quickly started removing his shorts revealing his already erect big long beautiful black cock, he told me to get naked, then once I was, he told me to bend over , put my handson the log, then he explained he was going to inject some veg. oil up into my bottom, once he had completed that I felt his big cock head pushing into me, then pop in, in a quick thrust my breath was taken away as suddenly all 10 inches of his penis was up in me, then he began firmly thrusting in and out with deep hard thrusts , nearly lifting me off the ground, within a minute he was moaning out that he was going to ejaculate.

 I was so excited, if for nothing else, this would first time a male ejaculated in my bottom

A life changing event, just listening to him moaning as he ejaculated up inside me, gave me so much pleasure, he pleasured me by his ability to make me feel like a girl, and allowing me to please him as a girl could.

My ability to easily take my boyfriend's cocks up in my bottom by using the dildo / veg. oil method of cleaning my bottom, then injecting oil up inside my bottom just prior to penetration, made my desire to have Edward actually start mimic breeding / impregnating me with his semen a much wanted possibility.

Within a week Edward had successfully mounted and bred my like I was a female donkey, and along with that came the realization that I only wante to be Edward's female-roled sexually partner.

If not for the fact that someone had seen me giving one of my boyfriends a blow-job in woods, then spread the news of it at school, which lead to me being publicly humiliated / shamed,,a very traumatizing event for myself, yet it also ended my relationship with my two friends, which I was happy to have it end as I only desired to be with Edward, and wanted him to be my partner for rest of my life, which he was for the following 21 years,(until old age caught up with him) in which time I never had sex with another male , and wish I could say I never tried being with a female,,yet I did several times in attempt to lead a " Normal life ".

           " I pretty much always felt I was Edward's surrogate Female partner ".


The desire to have the corrective surgery so that I would have female like breasts and a female like vagina has always been a very strong desire since puberty, and being Edward's sexual partner greatly helped alleviate the urge to have the surgery performed.

Yet even now at age 59 the desire for the surgery is maybe greater the ever, especially the need to " Not have a penis ". Having a penis completely contradicts my female sexual identity.

       " Because in my mind I am a Female sexually, in Role at least "

1998 rolls around, it's been nearly two years since Edward passed away, two years in which I very much isolated myself, was celibate and needed start doing some social things, needed to start seeking a jack donkey to start mating with.

First major change was I started modeling nude for life-drawing classes, then got a computer and the internet which helped greatly in my search for a jack donkey.

However after modeling for several months I met a young sexy black guy in one of my drawing classes whom one night after class came right out and simply asked me if I liked men, my response was or I told him I was female sexually roled, so yes I liked men, his response was quite direct and to the point; he simply said " Michael would you like to give me a blow-job ? ",

I replied yes, thus we went out and took a ride in his car, we drove around while I sucked his cock until he ejaculated in my mouth.For the next week I went to his apartment every night an gave him a blow-job, the following week he was penetrating me anally nightly, he asked me if I be interested in being with a friend of his , whom which I'd met earlier that week, and found to be very sexy as well, thus I replied yes that I like to try getting double-teamed by them both at same time, within in moments he was on the phone calling  his friend, soon his friend arrived and soon I had one's penis in my mouth, one's in my bottom.

After they were done with me that day, I expressed / said to them both that I wanted them use me sexually like a female as often as they liked , and if they knew of any other young sexy black men whom they trusted, and would be nice to me treat me like a female, were clean, healthy etc. , have them call me or invite them here , I was very honest , and serious as well as I told them : " I want to be performing for as many men a day as possible.


Within about 3 months I was sexually performing for more 30 straight men weekly.


                              I was performing much like Earl Lind ( Jennie June ) author of; 

                                                  " Autobiography of an Androgyne "  



Jennie June was born into a Puritan family[1] in 1874 in Connecticut. His[note 1] birth name is unknown; he used at various times the pseudonyms "Jennie June", "Earl Lind", and "Ralph Werther".[1][3] At the time, the term "transgender" had not been coined; instead words such as "androgyne", "invert", and "fairie" were used. He struggled throughout his life up to his late twenties with his extreme desire to perform fellatio, claiming to have partaken in over sixteen hundred sexual encounters in the span of a dozen years.[4] - wikipedia

My difference being ; extreme desire to perform fellatio as well as be penetrated anally.

Thus by 1999 though I was routinely performing for about 45 men every month, of which many where having me perform fellatio on daily or every few days basis , it was very common on days off, weekends etc. , at the end of the day I performed fellatio over a dozen times, and penetrated anally as many times. During the week usually I perform fellatio at least 2 times a day, I had a  schedule for every man I'd suck every monday at lunch, another tuesday , etc thus usually every lunch hour,every day, then in evening a man was scheduled whom would penetrate me anally.

Usually once a week ,  Wednesday nights I'd invite to my house 5 to 10  young guys (18-22 years old) that I performed for individually on weekly basis, yet all liked being part of gang-banging me, they all had to wear condoms when using my bottom, yet they could pull out before ejaculating and then cum in my mouth.

It was crazy and stupid looking back now, yet at time I couldn't get enough,

  yet at same time I very much preferred life as it was with Edward, the way he could make me feel so feminine, he didn't have to wear a condom, thus every time he mounted me he truly was impregnating me with his sperm.


I truly wished at the time that if I didn't have to work, I wanted to either be sucking cock or be getting penetrated anally 8 hours a day every day of the week. I how feminine I feel when performing in my female role for a man.

June self-identified as a "fairie", "androgyne", "effeminate man", and a passive "invert".[4] (all these I identify as)

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  I very much was aware that I needed to stop seeing men                                             at this point.

As no matter how many times a day I have sex, all I could think of was how much I missed Edward, how feminine he made me feel, where the men were starting to make me feel simply used, a feeling of no direction, no partnership bond , with Edward I felt I was his girl, and he was my man.

I realized no human man could possibly make me feel so sexy, so valued for my female role as Edward had.

                    -Yet the real crisis was I knew no one could ever replace Edward-

anatomically the partner I choose must be correct size


Again a Metaphysical component to my thoughts, I am not sexually attracted to donkeys,horse unless they are intact, not gelded, it's very important that a partner be able to impregnate me with "Live sperm"

-A sex difference in the human brain and its relation to transsexuality-

                                                                           J N Zhou 1M A HofmanL J GoorenD F Swaab


Transsexuals have the strong feeling, often from childhood onwards, of having been born the wrong sex. The possible psychogenic or biological aetiology of transsexuality has been the subject of debate for many years. Here we show that the volume of the central subdivision of the bed nucleus of the stria terminals (BSTc), a brain area that is essential for sexual behaviour, is larger in men than in women. A female-sized BSTc was found in male-to-female transsexuals. The size of the BSTc was not influenced by sex hormones in adulthood and was independent of sexual orientation. Our study is the first to show a female brain structure in genetically male transsexuals and supports the hypothesis that gender identity develops as a result of an interaction between the developing brain and sex hormones.

  I have always felt my being transsexual is due to biological factors as the above study suggests, even so the phrase " Female trapped in a male body " is a accurate statement to describe the actual feeling in my mind.

  Yet being attracted to males , also makes the term homosexual not fit me, as the way I am , call it say " having a more female like brain " I should be attracted to males, especially in regard to mating, as though I know rationally that I can't get pregnant, I still have a strong desire to try.

- Transsexual subtypes: clinical and theoretical significance -

                Yolanda L S Smith 1Stephanie H M van GoozenA J KuiperPeggy T Cohen-Kettenis  


The present study was designed to investigate whether transsexuals can be validly subdivided into subtypes on the basis of sexual orientation, and whether differences between subtypes of transsexuals are similar for male-to-female (MF) and female-to-male transsexuals (FMs). Within a large transsexual sample (n=187), homosexual and nonhomosexual subjects were compared on a number of characteristics before the start of treatment. Differences within MF and FM groups were also investigated. Homosexual transsexuals were found to be younger when applying for sex reassignment, reported a stronger cross-gender identity in childhood, had a more convincing cross-gender appearance, and functioned psychologically better than nonhomosexual transsexuals. Moreover, a lower percentage of the homosexual transsexuals reported being (or having been) married and sexually aroused while cross-dressing. The pattern of findings was different for MFs and FMs. No differences between homosexuals and nonhomosexuals were found in height, weight, or body mass index. A distinction between subtypes of transsexuals on the basis of sexual orientation seems theoretically and clinically meaningful. The results support the notion that in the two groups different factors influence the decision to apply for sex reassignment. The more vulnerable nonhomosexual transsexuals may particularly benefit from additional professional guidance before and/or during treatment.


I've always wanted to have my male partner to see me with a vulva , not a penis.

     " As I ask him to please treat me like a female "