-Gender Dysphoria -

                                                                   The Transsexual Adult

Swaytha Yalamanchi, ... Adrian Dobs, in Principles of Gender-Specific Medicine (Third Edition), 2017

8.5 Clinical Presentation and Diagnosis

The diagnosis of transsexualism is generally made by a mental health professional and it is key to identify potential psychiatric comorbidities prior to consideration of hormonal or surgical therapy. Both the Endocrine Society guidelines and WPATH Standards of Care provide excellent clinical guidance.3,6 Per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM)-V, the diagnosis of gender dysphoria requires the experience of at least two of the following criteria for at least 6 months duration in either adolescents or adults:9


Marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or, in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)


Strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics because of a marked incongruence with one’s experienced/expressed gender (or, in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)


Strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender


Strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender)


Strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender)


Strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender)

    For myself , because I feel pyschosexually female like (I desire to perform like a female for a male). I thus have always desired to be rid of my penis and instead have a functioning female like vagina, thus when talking to a potential male sexual partner, I can not only tell him that I am fully pyschologically emasculated, thus fully sexually female role, I can tell him that he can penetrate me just as he would a normal female because I had the surgery so I now have a vagina.  Thus when I undress for a Man I want him to see that I have a vagina,not a penis.

My primary desire has been to perform sexually like a female does

for a Man, thus be able to have a vagina he can penetrate. Secondary I have desire to look feminine for him by having breasts.

        Thus my

                  incongruence, (the state of not being suitable or not fitting well with something else)

                          comes from not being able to take a man's penis inside me like a female,

                        and show him I am fully able to perform for him like a female can, and along with that I am

                       pychologically only attracted to straight males, and not interested in homosexual males.

       And since puberty, I've desire to be in female sexual role with males as well as feeling as though I should have a vagina,not a penis.

how I want to be4.jpg

Gender-Dysphoria ;
 "A never ending pursuit, compromise toward something that is known to be un-attainable.
 Yet must pursuit it, or distress sets in, even if all of society embraced our dilemma, tried to help and not shame, the " Pursuit Remains " -me

Wikipedia says ;Symptoms of Gender dysphoria in children include preferences for opposite sex-typical toys, games, or activities; 1. great dislike of their own genitalia; and 2.a strong preference for playmate of opposite sex children.  1 and 2 fit me well.

In adolescents and adults, symptoms include the desire to be and to be treated as the other gender.


" Very true for me, at least by male sexual partners. I would love to be known publicly as a berdache type / female-roled male, be able to wear skirts,, dress more as female in practical / comfortable way ".

  Yet I have no desire to be called a " Female , or be accepted as Female ", yet I need to feel as female like sexually as I possible can, be feminine acting, appearing as possible as I can so he will desire to have sex with me.

          The Psychology Behind Submissive Fantasies: Do Women REALLY Want To Be Ravished? -yourtango.com

                   " from above article;  " And the fantasy of being ravished, being lovingly,

               yet forcefully taken by her man is  consistently in the top five female fantasies "

                           I personally like a guy I can be submissive to, tell him to treat me like his sex slut, sissy slut

Long before I heard of the term ; gender-dysphoria

I described how I felt as " Cognitive dissonance "

In a most simplistic terms; I am male, yet I need to mate with men, as though I am female.

    Thus I prance about the Woods, hoping a to attract a fitting Man

                             whom will (inseminate) mate with me,

                                   As though a instinct / innate feeling in me,

                                                            Yet I am male

Even at a very early age about 7 years old, I felt I was mentally ill, as I just didn't feel I should be a boy, for a short time I was terrified I be put in a mental hospital be I was "mentally defective", yet even to this day not sure why other then by this time I had been sucking another boy's penis and I liked to. Yet for some reason felt ashamed that I liked sucking his penis, so stopped.

   Yet there was early on , especially after puberty a very traumatic realization that I wasn't sexually attracted to females and I was stuck with wanting to suck boy's cocks and once I let the boys penetrate my bottom (they called my bottom "boy-pussy, which I like) I knew I was stuck as a fem-boy,female-roled male forever.

  Yet I also realized that having a penis didn't fit me, thus a life long desire of truly wishing, even praying that I could just have a female like vagina, so I could prove I was really sexually like a girl, and just maybe men would be more attracted to me, and as much as I love a man's penis up inside my "boy--pussy", a real functional vagina would be very symbolically female, and I wouldn't have to worry about keeping my bottom so squeaky clean all the time .

 I found females attractive, yet not in a sexual way, a way of admiration, even envy, thus alot of cognitive dissonance I endured, due to fact that ; " here I am a male, I am suppose to desire females, and naturally breed with females " yet I desired to have males breed with me like I am a female. Believe me, the internal conflict / dilemma of being male, yet only feeling like I should be like a female, especially sexually receptive as a female and be inseminated by males, sexually pleasure males with my ultimate fulfilment or you might say objective, pleasure gained by knowing a man is ejaculating up inside me. It may sound clinical, impersonal yet I am very content if a man simply has me get on my knees bend over so he can mount me, thrust his penis in and out of me until he ejaculates in me.I have no real desire to ejaculate myself, my satisfaction is from ; " I pleasured him,in turn he is inseminating me with his semen." This is the greatest sexual satisfaction I have ever known.

                             Even if I can only really be a Pseudo-Female

Pseudohermaphroditism / wikipedia ; is an old clinical term for an organism that is born with primary sex characteristics of one sex but develops the secondary sex characteristics


For example, if I seen the above female bent over as she is in actuality, I would have no desire to have sex with her, yet I very much wish I looked like her , so when I bent over for a man, he would see I have a vagina, thus he could penetrate me vaginally, and not have to anally penetrate me.


For example, in the above video  when seeing my testes/penis hanging down,

it is especially in conflict with my sexual identity, I think in large part due to fact that I am wanting so much to look feminine for a man, I am offering him myself to him, and greatly desiring that he will want to treat me like a female.

  Thus it is very common for me to tell a man whom I am with for the first time ; " please ignore my penis, I don't want a man to even touch my penis, I always tell men that I wish I didn't have a penis,  because in my mind , I am sexually female- roled 100% ", and I very much wish I had a vagina like a real female.

  A consolation at least ,was that if I could get a guy to move beyond the taboo of penetrating me anally, maybe telling him to just think of it as my "boy-pussy", and just fuck me like I am a girl, give it a chance, every man that ever fucked me, had no problem ejaculating, and if they didn't want to do it again, it was the " homophobia thing".

Cognitive dissonance / wikipedia


 " In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance occurs when a person holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values, or participates in an action that goes against one of these three, and experiences psychological stress because of that. According to this theory, when two actions or ideas are not psychologically consistent with each other, people do all in their power to change them until they become consistent"

And to a greater or lesser extent, has been a constant companion all my life.

And lately with my growing desire to get the  vulvoplasty surgery completed so  I can replace my penis with a female looking vulva. A surgery that have desired for years, yet always felt it as a un-realistic goal, yet today called and set-up appointment to talk to doctor about the surgery, mixed up again ?

If  were easy, I'd do it tommorrow, yet many question need answered


How I've alway wished to look, when nude for a boy-friend

Though not Female, I only desire to be treated sexually in a female way.

Perform best I can for men sexually, thus I always wished I had a vagina and not a penis .

I very much like how I look with a vagina/vulva, having a penis does not reflect my sexuality, as I am very much female sexually roled.

Thus when a man wants me to perform for him, I want to be able to sexually offer him ability to penetrate me anally or vaginally, as well as orally.

From a practical stand point, I have been in the situation when a boyfriend wants to penetrate me anally, yet because I was unable to get my bottom

" perfectly clean " and ready for him, I had to explain thats why I would be unable to take his penis up in my bottom.

Though a Mystery,as to why, since my earliest childhood memories I've always wished to have a body like a female, then after puberty I only wished to have sex like I was a girl, be a man's  girly-boyfriend and have him treat me sexually as though I really was girl.


Most important objective for myself is conveying to a man that I am fully female roled sexually, have the ability to perform sexually in the female role for him as though I am a female.

And a very,very important part of that performance, is " Being Penetrated "

And not seeming masculine, and having a penis is a " Conflict " in regards to wanting to appear as feminine as possible for a man

I am already so feminine psychologically, that I am more feminine then at least half the females alive likely !. What will I gain ?

        I know not having a penis is my desire because having a vulva to me symbolizes me as fully femininized and sexually female roled for a man. What if I have no sexual desire after the surgery ?

         I know I do not want to have to take any type hormones.

The only Two remedies, antidotes that I know of are ;

     Constant Feminization and Constant Affirmation of my Feminitity

Whether sex with heterosexual men in my female role, dressing female like, Feminization vaginoplasty etc.

 We are relational by nature, and contrary to popular belief, we actually DO need one another. Not in a needy, unhealthy, or co-dependent way, but in a healthy mutually beneficial, giving, nurturing, fulfilling and rewarding way. In an authentic and reciprocal way. We need each other.

     And perhaps because most of us have enough money to not need each other to help us meet our basic needs, we don’t think we need one another to help meet our emotional, mental, and psychological needs. But we do. 

And as one of the forefathers of modern psychology, Alfred Adler so wisely stated:

             "Genuine human connection is as essential to our existance as air and water".

So relationships are not a bonus, they are a key component. An essential component. We all need people to believe in us and to see us and love us and affirm us and value us for who we really are. And if we don’t have that we are going to come undone pretty quickly, or turn to things like substances, workaholism, self-harm, over eating, and so on, to deal with our feelings of disconnection and aloneness. - juliakristina.com

As transgender female role male person I know, I need my- Femininity - naturally and, to be kindly and respectfully  Affirmed by a Man, say as he is making love to me, verbally telling me how femininine acting I am.

Femininity / wikipedia


Femininity (also called womanliness or girlishness) is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles generally associated with women and girls. Although femininity is socially constructed,[1] some research indicates that some behaviors considered feminine are biologically influenced.[1][2][3][4] To what extent femininity is biologically or socially influenced is subject to debate.[2][3][4] It is distinct from the definition of the biological female sex,[5][6] as both males and females can exhibit feminine traits.

Traits traditionally cited as feminine include gentleness, empathy, humility, and sensitivity,[7][8][9] though traits associated with femininity vary across societies and individuals,[10] and are influenced by a variety of social and cultural factors.[11]

In Western cultures, the ideal of feminine appearance has traditionally included long, flowing hair, clear skin, a narrow waist, and little or no body hair or facial hair.[5][46][47] In other cultures, however, some expectations are different. For example, in many parts of the world, underarm hair is not considered unfeminine.[48] Today, the color pink is strongly associated with femininity, whereas in the early 1900s pink was associated with boys and blue with girls.[49]

These feminine ideals of beauty have been criticized as restrictive, unhealthy, and even racist.[47][50] In particular, the prevalence of anorexia and other eating disorders in Western countries has frequently been blamed on the modern feminine ideal of thinness.[51]


Muslim woman wearing a head dress (Hijab)

In many Muslim countries, women are required to cover their heads with a hijab (veil). It is considered a symbol of feminine modesty and morality.[52][53]

Female Role models

For myself, in my life females have always been my distinct role models

In the sense of say ; I like the traits of this person, personality, mannerism.


A certain females physical appearance


I admire the looks of this female above, thus in my mind, I think ; 

                          " It would be nice to look like her ",

                        And thats just the way I been all my life.


It's taken me years to figure out in which way to dress which best reflexes my femininity, how I'd best like to ;                       " dress in public "

 how I like my hair, size of breasts look best,etc.

myself as Fem-male00071.jpg

I am very much attracted black men, which I am sure is due to fact I lost my " virginity " with two black males at age 13, femininized me / emasculated me,( Affirmed to myself that I was 100% female roled).

           Thus the " Queen of Spades " fits me well


And I very much want a Black Man as a husband / full-time best friend,partner

I've always Clearly known that the female sexual role is the natural role for myself, thus have felt that " Gender Dysphoria " is due to the conflict with " society's expectations " and shaming.

   Also from wanting to dress publicly in away that reflexes that I am female roled sexually.

   Also from greatly desiring to have my penis removed / and have female appearing " Vulva ", and due to fact that it is so difficult to get the surgery due to cost. (it seems un-attainable)

   The "not having penis" is a Major symbolic Affirmation, as to me it says that I am a " fully emasculated male whom is female roled "


And I've always So much wanted to look like this for a man,and have a man want me to look like this for him.

After reading Autobiography of Androgyne by Earl Lind/ aka Jennie June, at least I had a real individual to relate to. Thus affirming I was not alone in my feelings of greatly needing to be in female role for normal heterosexual men. ( be their girly - boyfriend )

              Hearing about anothers extreme sexual Promiscuity

Jennie June was born into a Puritan family[1] in 1874 in Connecticut as Earl Lind. As a child, Lind asked others to call her by Jennie instead of Earl, and she spent much more time with girls than with boys. She became very shy and introverted when her parents sent her off to an all boys school and also became very depressed, considering suicide. Lind realized at a young age that she was an androgyne looking to change from male to female.[3] At the time, the term transgender was not prevalent; instead words such as "androgyne", "invert", and "fairie" were used. She struggled throughout her life up to her late twenties with her extreme desire to perform fellatio , claiming to have partaken in over sixteen hundred sexual encounters in the span of a dozen years.

Like myself, Jennie June I am fairly certain was having sex for psychological pleasure (Affirmation of femininity). As I never have had a erection when with a man, nore could if tired,  Very important to myself, that my penis always be tiny,limp and non-erect, even when I am alone and if I do ejaculate, I need to be anally penetrated .

As far as in sexual context,  "Submitting to man,having him slide is penis up in me is the most " Wonderful experinces in the World  ", just the thought that soon he will be impregnating me with his semen is overwhelmingly  emotional.

Ways I have thought to describe " Gender Dysphoria " in my mind.

 " Artificially living in a Identity role for public presentation "

Constantly having to " Flip a switch to return to my true role "


" With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free " - Gordon Lightfoot

social isolation

What Makes A Woman Feminine? - mavericktraveler.com

Like the link above addresses, " I so much desire to feel feminine " and the dilemma of achiving that.

The Mental health profession and transgender dilemma

I spent alot of money talking to psychologists, mental health professionals, one thing I've come to know is, unless they well studied on the dilemma of sexual inversion, dysphoria and cogntive dissonance your wasting your time. Even now it is difficult to find such a person, let alone back in the 1980's

The theory of cognitive dissonance can be divided into three main areas:


Forced Compliance Behavior -cogntive dissonance 

"When someone is forced to do (publicly) something they (privately) really don't want to do, dissonance is created between their cognition (I didn't want to do this) and their behavior (I did it)."

decision-making -cogntive dissonance

" Life is filled with decisions, and decisions (as a general rule) arouse dissonance.

For example, suppose you had to decide whether to accept a job in an absolutely beautiful area of the country, or turn down the job so you could be near your friends and family. Either way, you would experience dissonance."

and effort -cogntive dissonance 


"It also seems to be the case that we value most highly those goals or items which have required considerable effort to achieve.




This is probably because dissonance would be caused if we spent a great effort to achieve something and then evaluated it negatively. We could, of course, spend years of effort into achieving something which turns out to be a load of rubbish and then, in order to avoid the dissonance that produces, try to convince ourselves that we didn't really spend years of effort, or that the effort was really quite enjoyable, or that it wasn't really a lot of effort."

                                                                                                     - simplypsychology.org

Living in a "Constant State of Un-Certainity "

We live in a Society in which the Topic of gender identity, homosexuality is being currently being explored, learned of.  The bare true is, say for example the following article at psychologytoday.com ;  

Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Gender Dysphoric

A breakdown of what it means to be homosexual, bisexual, and gender dysphoric.

Posted Mar 27, 2014

   A excerpt from article ;  " A few very misguided clinicians (and families) have attempted to “cure” a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity with things like aversion therapy and labeling the individual as a sex addict (as a way to explain his or her “abnormal” feelings and behaviors). Again, these tactics are nearly always both harmful and counterproductive. Plus, attempting to change a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity, regardless of how ego-dystonic it may be, is pointless. It just doesn’t work. A homosexual man is attracted to men, whether he likes it or not. Ditto for lesbians and bisexuals. And a transgender man or woman is exactly that—no more, no less—and no amount of therapy change the situation (though such a person may find emotional relief through gender reassignment surgery)."

For myself growing up ,  I was certain of only two things ;


                          1. I had the body of a boy   and  2. I felt like I should be a girl


And that hasn't changed and my desire to be feminine and female like has only grown stronger 

In comparing myself with my genitals as male or as female, I clearly know and have with certainity all my life , female genitals match how I feel mentally

comparing-why I do not like what is hang

Posing nude for art classes, greatly helped me realize with certainity that I was " transsexual type person ", as I dreamed of posing for classes some day looking as the photo below portrays me

how I wish to be 005.jpg

I've always wished to have myself look like above photo, yet not until I seen Caroline Cossey did I know it was really possible to change one's body.

The photos below , I certainly know reflex my gender and sexual orientation, 1. I am biologically male, and psychologically very feminine, and if one knows what " Queen of spades " means (female that likes sex with black men), That is what I want to express, I am sexually attracted to black men,like a female. And wanted treated like a female 100% ♥ ♥

Third-gender artist model nude 8 10-2019

About The Sexual and Gender Identity Institute  / wheaton.edu

Gender dysphoria / Mayo Clinic

 Gender dysphoria ,might start in childhood and continue into adolescence and adulthood (early onset). Or, you might have periods in which you no longer experience gender dysphoria followed by a recurrence of gender dysphoria. You might also experience gender dysphoria around the time of puberty or much later in life (late onset) - Mayo Clinic

Personally for myself, Gender dysphoria is always in there , in my thoughts emotionals in some way, shape or form..,just more intense/pronounced / at times.For example the desire to have a man copulate with me so I can be impregnated with his semen, is very clear. Due to fact I have felt female in so many ways, there is always that wish I will go to sleep, wake up New as a female, the go out and find a Man to be with, and really  make me pregnant.

  At this point in my life, I clearly know the only way to get relief from the distress of gender dyshoria, is finding Safe ways to feel Feminine and Female like. And Modeling as I do,, helps alot!

 There is a Paradox with the Nude modeling though, as having a penis, is a huge stressor when I am trying to Feel Feminine, thus putting a Flower in my hair counters that a bit, the "landing strip temp. tattoo

   Like I wrote at top of page "A never ending pursuit, compromise toward something that is known to be un-attainable. Yet must pursuit it, or distress sets in, even if all of society embraced our dilemma, tried to help and not shame, the " Pursuit Remains "........And for me, the Main one is wanting a Man whom can take me for what I am, and truly treat me like a

" Lady".  Be as best as possible like a normal heterosexual couple.


I know every time I see a female breast feeding, I wish so much I could be her.


♥ ♥

I like this alot because it defines my sexual role well, and that I love black men, desire a black husband / mate.

  It needs to be directly above my penis, so at it makes the statement that ;

        " I might have a penis,But I still can be like a Girl "

Sexual Refractory period


This is dilemma has been in my thoughts since 1998 since ;

            I took my "true/proper role" as female with men

To explain, is to again compare the state of my emotions, and in this case, after ejaculation.


I didn't think much of it other then lose of interest,lose of desire, yet at age 18 after being with a female, and in the male role, that feeling went from lose of desire,plus a overall bad feeling of sex period, in the order of " I shouldn't do this again " a feeling that might last a day, then not evident as my Libido returned, I quickly stopped seeing her, yet would try again year later,which lead to a marriage that would end due to my constant desire to be " Cuckolded "and my suppressed desire to be a man's girl friend.

  Not until 1998 would I resign to the fact that I needed to be in the female role for a man and thus I took that Role, and never again would I have bad feelings after ejaculation.

  The only dilemma now was , I never wanted a man to see me with erect, so sometimes I would masturbate prior to seeing a man , in order to reduce the chances of getting a erection, and was able to with only about 5-10 minutes in desire to perform for a man sexually.

  All I did know, is when I was able to be like a girlfriend for a man in 1998, it felt so right, I was freed of the negative feeling that occurred when I tried being in a man's role.

If one listens to what Rod Fleming says in video below, one can see, how confusing the Whole transgender thing can be. Top that off with society calling you mentally ill, and condemning.

  When I just wanted to be like a girl for a man.


It's a real struggle in the United States, Not to think you are mentally ill even if you know for certain that your a fully sexually inverted male bodied person, and want to be like a Female

I think what adds to the confusion is , I have never had the desire to " Pass " as a female, because I know I am not physically female, yet I am very much psycho-sexually female and emotionally very feminine, thus I desire to " Pass " as a male that is 100% psycho-sexually female .

On the Science of Changing Sex / Kay Brown-WordPress.com  

I reviewed Kay 's site above and found it very imformative, Kay is HSTS type transsexual, which is best for myself, as I have always considered myself a " Wanta be transsexual ", Kay is also only few years older then myself.

♥ ♥

Gender dysphoria is not one thing

Posted on December 7, 2017

by J. Michael Bailey, Ph.D  and Ray Blanchard, Ph.D

A few exerpts from above paper I identify with clearly;

   Children with childhood-onset gender dysphoria have a much higher likelihood of non-heterosexual (i.e., homosexual or bisexual) adult outcomes compared with typical children. Childhood-onset gender dysphoric boys who desist usually become nonheterosexual men. A smaller percentage have reported that they are heterosexual at follow up. Those who transition become transwomen attracted to men.

Confusion created by the two                   main types

of Male Gender Dysphoria;


1.Blanchard (1989) proposed that a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female be labeled autogynephilic ("love of oneself as a woman"). In Blanchard's view, autogynephilia, like heterosexuality, homosexuality, and pedophilia, is conveniently indexed by an individual's tendency to respond with penile erection to the erotic stimulus, but also includes the capacity for pair-bond formation (or something like it) with that stimulus.

Do you say things to yourself like, I'm not really a transsexual because I can't identify with the definition: "man trapped in a woman's body" or "woman trapped in a man's body." If you're saying that, you might consider the possibility that these are just pop-culture cliches, not definitions. There definitely are transsexual who say things like there's something "deep inside" them that tells them that they are a boy or girl. But there are also transsexuals who don't feel that way. You might consider finding out how other people think or feel about their transsexuality. One place to start is my introspective transsexual links page. -genderpsychology.org  


Myself, I have never desired to truly be a female, just have always desired to be in the "Female role for a Man, and be as feminine as I can for him, my strong desire for "GRS" surgery; have my penis replaced with female looking "vulva" is a very symbolic gesture to convey that I am "Fully Emasculated into the female role ", to show that I have no desire to be in the Male sexual role. For example when I am with a Man, I will say things, like,"I want to be a good girl for you, he may in turn tell me I am being a good girl for him." I very much want him to make me feel like a girl.

Like the video of me below is titled, "Female roled", thats for reason, because I know I am not female,can never be female, yet I can be in the role of female, which I very much wish to be.

Primary Transsexual or Secondary Transsexual? -genderpsychology.org

Primary transsexuals usually behave like their target sex from childhood. They usually feel they are or should be members of the 'opposite' sex before puberty. Primary transsexuals rarely waver in their conviction that they are/should be a member of their target sex. If they do waver and try to conform to their biological sex's gender role, they don't do very well

In contrast, secondary transsexuals usually don't 'come out' until almost 40 years old or later. The most striking feature of secondary transsexuals is how, despite a deep conviction of being their target sex, their gender behavior is still quite a lot like that of their biological sex. They say they went into denial (that's why it takes until older ages to 'come out') and they often excel in the gender role of their biological sex (exp: a MtF transsexual who was captain of their high school football team, in the army, marries and has children). Even after transitioning their gender behavior still isn't all that much like their target sex. An example of a secondary transsexual is Kate Borenstein (MtF; author of gender outlaw).

I think the above is far to generalizing, and dependent upon idividual circumstances,environment.shaming,would it be safe to reveal your sexual inversion ?, also one must remember females come in a very ranging degrees of femininity as well, just as males do. 

As I have clearly known, I was sexual inverted since age 13, and desired only to be in female role, and only by trying to be with females sexually could I see the contrast, thus knew I needed to start seeing men sexually and in my female role, and once I did, I realized this was the sexual role that I very much needed to be in.

Dr. Harry Benjamin's Gender Disorientation Scale

Kinsey's sexual orientation scale

  • 0 Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual experience

  • 1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidently homosexual

  • 2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

  • 3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual

  • 4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

  • 5 Predominantly homosexual, but incidentally heterosexual

  • 6 Exclusively homosexual, with no heterosexual experience


Type One: Transvestite (Pseudo)

Gender Feeling: Masculine
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Lives as a man. Could get occasional kick out of dressing. Normal male life.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Hetero, bi, or homosexual. Dressing and -- more --exchange may occur in masturbation fantasies mainly. May enjoy TV literature only.
Kinsey Scale: 0-6
Conversion Operation: Not considered in reality.
Estrogen Medication: Not interested or indicated.
Psychotherapy: Not wanted and unnecessary.
Remarks: Interests in dressing is only sporadic.

Type Two: Transvestism (Fetishistic)

Gender Feeling: Masculine
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Lives as a man. Dressing periodically or part of the time. Dresses underneath male clothes.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Heterosexual. Rarely bisexual. Masturbation with fetish. Guilt feelings. Purges and relapses.
Kinsey Scale: 0-2
Conversion Operation: Rejected
Estrogen Medication: Rarely interested. Occasionally useful to reduce libido.
Psychotherapy: May be successful (in a favorable environment.)
Remarks: May imitate double (masculine and feminine) personality with male and female names.

Type Three: Transvestism (True)

Gender Feeling: Masculine (but with less conviction.)
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Dresses constantly or as often as possible. May live and be accepted as woman. May dress underneath male clothes, if no other chance.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Heterosexual, except when dressed. Dressing gives sexual satisfaction with relief of gender discomfort. May purge and relapse.
Kinsey Scale: 0-2
Conversion Operation: Actually rejected, but idea can be attractive.
Estrogen Medication: Attractive as an experiment. Can be helpful emotionally
Psychotherapy: If attempted is usually not successful as to cure.
Remarks: May assume double personality. Trend toward transsexualism.

Type Four: Transsexual (Nonsurgical)

Gender Feeling: Undecided. Wavering between TV and TS.
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Dresses as often as possible with insufficient relief of his gender discomfort. May live as a man or woman; sometimes alternating.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Libido often low. Asexual or auto-erotic. Could be bisexual. Could also be married and have children.
Kinsey Scale: 1-4
Conversion Operation: Attractive but not requested or attraction not admitted.
Estrogen Medication: Needed for comfort and emotional balance.
Psychotherapy: Only as guidance; otherwise refused or unsuccessful.
Remarks: Social life dependent upon circumstances.

Type Five: True Transsexual (moderate intensity)

Gender Feeling: Feminine (trapped in male body)
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Lives and works as woman if possible. Insufficient relief from dressing.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Libido low. Asexual auto-erotic, or passive homosexual activity. May have been married and have children.
Kinsey Scale: 4-6
Conversion Operation: Requested and usually indicated.
Estrogen Medication: Needed as substitute for or preliminary to operation.
Psychotherapy: Rejected. Useless as to cure. Permissive psychological guidance.
Operation hoped for and worked for. Often attained.

Type Six: True Transsexual (high intensity)

Gender Feeling: Feminine. Total psycho-sexual inversion.
Dressing Habits and Social Life: May live and work as a woman. Dressing gives insufficient relief. Gender discomfort intense.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life:
Intensely desires relations with normal male as female if young. May have been married and have children, by using fantasies in intercourse.
Kinsey Scale: 6
Conversion Operation: Urgently requested and usually attained. Indicated.
Estrogen Medication: Required for partial relief.
Psychotherapy: Psychological guidance or psychotherapy for symptomaticrelief only.
Remarks: Despises his male sex organs. Danger of suicide or self-mutilation, if too long frustrated.

If I rate myself on this Benjamin chart, I am between 5 and 6 true-transsexual

One can see it's confusing at best, as what to refer self as, thus I have simply referred to myself as " female roled male ", or more detailed as " female-roled, emasculated/feminine male"

I consider myself " transsexual ", on the grounds of which, I very much want to get the " GRS" surgery so can have a female like Vulva, which completely, fully emasculates me, it's not so much about being female with me, as it is I don't wish to be male sexually roled in any way,, I so much love being female roled for a man.

Learned helplessness theory

Learned helplessness theory posits that because human bodies are only alterable to a certain point, people develop a sense of body shame and anxiety from which they create a feeling of helplessness in relation to correcting their physical appearance and helplessness in being able to control the way in which others perceive their appearance. This lack of control often results in depression - wikipedia

Body dysmorphic disorder

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), occasionally still called dysmorphophobia, is a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix one's dysmorphic part on one's figure.[1] In BDD's delusional variant, the flaw is imagined.[2] If the flaw is actual, its importance is severely exaggerated.[2] Either way, thoughts about the dysmorphia are pervasive and intrusive, and may occupy several hours a day, causing severe distress or impairing one’s ability to go about their normal day. The DSM-5 categorizes BDD in the obsessive–compulsive spectrum, - wikipedia


Luckily for myself,I've never been so over-whelmed with my desire to look feminine, that it wasn't manageable, yet it is always a desire, always longed for.

    The want to have a vagina, and not have a penis, is the big issue with my body image, I have to be very carefully not to let myself get upset about having a penis.

  Instead just focus on the idea;

             " it's how I perform sexually for a man " and tell men

  it is very ,very important he doesn't touch my penis with intention, as I want so        much to feel like a girl, and I want my penis limp and tiny to show that I am           completely emasculated, that he can call me his girly-boyfriend,sissy-slutboy,   femboy. 

   Thus once I do actually meet a guy he already knows I am 100% female-sexually     roled and Greatly desire the GRS surgery ,yet it is not feasible for me.

   If I see a guy routinely, have got to know him, having a penis isn't as big deal as when meeting guy first time, which in most cases I just give him a hand-job any how, if we hit it off and he really turns me on, I might  ask if he wishs to ejaculate in my mouth and watch me swallow his cum .

  It's up to him if we have a second date.

                        Yet for myself, just having sex with man in my female role gives me great relief from Gender dysphoria, especially if I can allow him to ejaculate up inside me.

  Especially if he tells me he wants to see me again !

                                       ♥ ♥

                        So performing sexually in female role for a man

                                             to the best of my ability is all I can do.

One thing "Posing" has allowed me to explore, is just how feminine feels right for me.

-Acceptance  of One's Self-

First One must Know themselves,what makes you tick !

Coming to terms with the fact that your different then the Majority,in that your gender identity is in conflict with your biological sex.

In my case, I had to accept that even though my body says I should be male gendered, psychologically I have always felt I should be female, and I only wish to feel female like.

One thing that is clearly defined in my mind, is the fact that I am very much feminine / female roled sexually,and love my role as female for a man. This doesn't  make life easier, but I have no internal conflict with being sexually female roled, and when dating men it's aways been my way to make it clear to a man, and tell him that  " I am 100% female-roled sexually,I desire to be treated like a female ".

I want a man to call me his "Fem-boyfriend ",girly-boy, ladyboy friend etc.

The dilemma here for myself as well as a man whom I would partner with; I only wish to be with 100% male roled men,thus he must be content with penetrating me anally and having me perform fellatio on him for sexual pleasure, I don't wish to be with a man whom desires to perform fellatio on me or whom wishs for me to penetrate him, this is very much in conflict with my role.

I do consider myself somewhat a " ethical slut ", from a standpoint,that I am ready to perform sexually for a man as often as he needs, as long as in proper content/context.

Yet being ethical also has caused me to be " celibate for last 14 years ", as I know what I am and what I want and expect.


                                Envy and always wanting to be like the Girls

                                                                                                                      The following is excerpt from; Green with Different Forms of Envy

Two types
1. The first type is most consistent with the traditional view of envy. Malicious enviers want what the other person has and attempt to get it by trying to tear the other person down to their level. They may engage in hostile or resentful behavior toward the envied person, try to undermine the envied person’s accomplishments, and revel in the envied persons mishaps and misfortunes. Malicious envy is most common when the envied person is perceived to have unfairly gained their superiority, when the envier feels a lack of control over personal success, and the envier fears failure. In other words, this form of envy occurs when the envied person sets a standard of excellence that the envious person believes is impossible to attain. Thus, the only way to reduce the frustration of being below a standard is to try to drag the standard down.

2. The second type of envy is known as benign envy. Rather than tearing the envied person down, benign enviers work harder to attain what the envied person has. This form of envy is most common when the envied person is believed to have deserved their advantage, when the envier feels a high sense of control over personal outcomes, and when the envier hopes for success. Essentially, the envious person adopts the superior standard of excellence and strives to achieve it. However, benign envy still carries the same frustration and negative emotions as malicious envy which is why it is considered different than more positive motivations like admiration and role modelling.



I have pretty much always been aware that females have been my role models, and especially since puberty , I knew I wanted to be like a girl for boys sexually, loved being treated sexually like I am a girl.

Thus if it is a sort of Envy I have felt toward many females, it's a Role Model type Need, because being sexually inverted and wanting to be female, I need a Female Role model / friend. For example, I have always wanted to have a female friend I could talk to about having sex with men,sharing experiences with etc.

For myself, it's all about performance. As I have a male body, yet I need to perform like a female sexually

At this time in life, I'd say the desire to have the GRS surgery is my biggest want next to finding a boyfriend or at this time a Male to Female transsexual individual whom can be in male role with me. I do know there is no way I can be in male role, thus a dilemma if having a relationship another trans person.

Any body that routinely has had to take a man's penis in their bottom routinely, knows how keeping clean is of the most importance, and can be quite a effort at times. Thus a rational reason to have a female like funtional vagina, and something I've always dreamed of.

                                       a source of cognitive dissonance



A very important thing for me has always been being able to take a man's semen up inside me. At least in terms of me being sexually fulfilled. 

  Though I always try being cautious, I also know what it's like in real life, when I have a man and I am wanting so badly for him to have his penis up inside me, easy to throw caution to the wind and not use a condom.

                                              a source of cognitive dissonance


I will soon start taking  the daily drug Truvada (to prevent HIV/AIDS ) which to a degree eliminates some aspects of cognitive dissonance

The Late 1990's and I was so ready to have a man sexually treat me like a lady, make me feel feminine, and just by chance it was a time of the " Downlow " 


Down-low is an African American slang term[1] that typically refers to a subculture of black men who usually identify as heterosexual, but who have sex with men; some avoid sharing this information even if they have female sexual partner(s), they are married, or they are single.[2][3][4][5] The term is also used to refer to a related sexual identity.[5][6] Down-low has been viewed as "a type of impression management that some of the informants use to present themselves in a manner that is consistent with perceived norms about masculine attribute, attitudes, and behavior"- wikipedia

Gay.com  chat was in full swing, as well as Yahoo chat, between the two I found I could find a black man willing to let me suck his cock pretty much every day and night. Then once he met me and if we hit it off, I might ask him if might consider seeing only me, that if so I'd stop seeing other men, and just be his " sissy-slut ". Yet time and time again guys were married, or had girl-friends, and they just wanted me in order to get a blowjob or fuck me routinely.

me sissyboy8.gif

I've very much evolved over the years, in the above image I am erect, now I wouldn't want a man to see me with a erection. Yet the image is from 1999, I was learning how to be a " Female-roled male ", which in a big way was allowing my remaining male ego, slip away, let the men emasculate me, for example , I often would tell/ask / beg ..a guy while he was fucking me...." Please fuck the man out me , I want to feel like a Girl so much "

        They did,..as I now know that I am 100% sure I want the GRS surgery so as to have a vagina.


I fairly certain that if I was 13 years old now in todays knowledge of the dynamics of being transsexual, I would be dressing girly like, and preparing , planning for GRS surgery, as having a Penis, has been my main internal conflict. Hopefully I could be under special conditions, guidance having a boyfriend .

    At least in my case I was clearly ready for sexual affirmation from a male, and needed the process to be fully completely pyschologically emasculated sexually at that time.

   Yet in my case , I was being emasculated by the boys by having them put me in the female role.


However that process was interupted, I was shamed publicly, and given no guidance there after, shamed , and left to go it alone.  This isn't how a good society should function., I don't have the complete answer as how this situation, maybe a school just for transsexual / gay youth.

  A better look at how the Muxe, Two-Spirit (berdache), fa'afafine were/are socially transtioned may be the right place to look.

I very much wanted to be their " girly-boyfriend ", I loved being penetrated,the boys would tell me I should of been both a girl, even at that time I felt as I do now should of been both a girl, I knew by then I want to be like a girl .  Even though I suppressed this want / need to be penetrated, battled this need , at least tell 1998 when finally in essense restarted my pyschological emasculation process. I knew a 100% completely that the Female role was what was missing in my life the moment my first encounter with a Man occurred in 1998, the moment he had his penis up inside me was so Joyful / liberating I can't even begin to explain. Yet I had to now begin all over process of learning to be a man's " girly-boyfriend "  or now I'd call my role " Female-roled male ".

          Like Rod Fleming talks of, once masculinized , it more difficult to change latter.

For myself wanting cuckolded was simply like a symptom of being a female-roled male trying to be a normal male.

    Yet very much not a Solution

For myself I think the driving force of wanting cuckolded was a way of "coming out ", I know I wanted my female partners at the time to truly know I desired to be in the female sexual role for a man, I know I wanted her to convey to their lovers that I knew she was seeing them.

   I desired that my female partners explain to their lovers that I was a fem-male (sexually female roled).

  In the back of my mind I would dream of a relationship like I write about on my page ; My " Ideal "♥ relationship - Terrace -, I would be like a "Trans" wife in a closed traid relationship, my female partner (Jodi)would actually be married to The real Man (William) sleep together like normal couple, I have my own sleeping quarters,though William has sex with me(allows me to perform fellatio on him, as well as penetrates me anally) it's more in a altrustic way to maintain the relationship, I never have sex with Jodi. Their sex life is private from me for the most part, yet Jodi often watchs William and I. " This is most Ideal type relationship for myself."

   By having Jodi watch and accept seeing William and I in our proper roles seems very important in my mind, and I can be like a "Trans wife " for a Man in a accepting,satisfactory way.

  This solves the problem ideally for me, as I have a Straight Man who will sexually treat me like I'm female, as being with a homosexual male is not my desire "like the berdache,muxe, fa'afafine, they don't desire to be with others like themselve's"

                                      And this type relationship is safe from STD's


A big issue with me is wanting not to look male like or at least much more female like so a man is comfortable having sex with me, can see me as a viable sex partner, not necessarily a female, just a highly feminine human being, whom only wishs to perform as a female does.

  If the surgery to remove my penis was easily attainable I would of had it done long ago, yet then I feel selfish, as so many people are starving, poor etc.

  Another big reason is I don't want men to be attracted to me because I have a penis, as many gays are. 

                                   Yet desire remains

Berdache 6-29-2019 aa.jpg

Being kinda like a.. homosexual / sexually inverted / female-roled  eunuch ..fits me well, as I know it is very unrealistic to pass as female, especially like Tula in below video.



I wanted breasts very much, yet my most "Conflicting" physical body aspect is " having a penis ", because my desire.want and need is to look and perform like a female sexually for a Man, I very,very much dislike having a penis, I want myself rid of any male sexuality,only as I want only to be female like sexually. 

FEM male ideal-9.jpg