I knew I wanted to be like Her

My grandpa always had a copy of Playboy under his nightstand that I would sneak and look at when able, this March 1970 issue was forever                 impressed into to my mind, because after looking at it,

                       I knew I should be like a 

                                    "Girl" 

   

             I was only going to be sexually like a 

                                    "Girl"

              I wanted to look and feel like a

 

                                       Her 

 

 

  

                                Wanting to be like Her "my Mom"


I can only remember back to about the age of 6 years old and I remember mainly events surrounding or associated with my mother and father's divorce.

After that, and if I recall the time correctly it was nearly immediately after that, my mom was having a man spending nights at our house, 
and because my bedroom was attached by a door directly into her bedroom and the most direct route to the bath from her room was through my room.

Often I'd be awaken late in the night by moaning, talk etc. coming from mom's room, and because the door connecting our room's was often left open a crack,
well the first time I was awaken by the sounds from mom's room I quietly got up and peeked in, and what I seen was mom sucking this man's big penis (big to me) . 
Watched as stuff squirt from the tip of penis into mom's mouth, then it seem he was turning and headed for the door I was peeking through, I quickly climbed back in bed and pretended to be a sleep.
He would always walk through my room completely nude just and when he enter my room completely naked, as I  and as he left my room through the other door, the main door to my room which was always left open, which opened into the tiny hall, right outside this door was our only bathroom, and was right outside my door which was always left open, when he flipped on the bathroom light I could clearly see his big penis.

 

 

 

This was repeated night after night, and because they'd often leave the bedside table light on I could see clearly what they were doing, the man's big erect penis sliding in my mom's vagina or bottom etc.

I wanted to suck this man's penis the way my mom was doing.

                                      Soon my mom married this man

 

I would continue to watch my mom and "now" step-father have sex when

they awoke me at night.

     "I wanted to suck cock like my mom was doing"

                                       I was determined to suck a penis (age 8)

Soon I was asking a older neighborhood friend if I could suck his penis, (he was 13) and on a day he and I were out in woods, and he had to pee, as he took his penis out and started to pee, I walked up next to him, and he finished I dropped to my knees in front of him and asked if I could suck his penis.

                       He allowed me to take his penis into my mouth

Once my friend's penis was in my mouth the taste, feel and now experiencing 

what I'd been watching my mom doing to my step-father, it was wonderful.

                                       My friend ejaculates in my mouth

   

I continued sucking my friend's penis and ingesting his semen until he moved in 1973.

                                                                    Age 10

             Started sucking my uncle's four coonhounds cocks

       Started sucking Edward's penis, my jack donkey lover


                                                              Age 12                            

 

         Started sucking my own penis and ejaculating in my mouth

                                                   (puberty)

                                                              Age 13

        Started sucking a friend (Rod) from school, he was having me              suck him nearly every day for about a week, Rod then told his

        friend Kurt wanted me to start sucking his cock.

        I was very eager to suck cock so I told Rod I'd meet Kurt and if

        he was nice to me and I liked him I gladly suck his cock.

        Upon meeting Kurt, he was like my "dream guy" older he was            18 years old, kind and gentle with me, yet he also made it clear          to me that he was going to groom me to be his "girly-boy".

        After only a few times of sucking Kurt, he told me that I was              ready to learn how to start taking cock in my bottom, which              in turn really excited me, the idea of getting treated like I'd

        seen my mom getting treated and having a penis slid up inside          her as she was on her hands and knees while my step-father              bred her was what I wanted so much to experience!  

 

             Soon both Kurt and Rod start butt-fucking me

                                      about 2 weeks later

Kurt introduces me to his friend Ed, who starts using me as his femboy,

Kurt told Ed about my sexual relationships with animals because he owned a stallion pony, and that I had been performing fellatio on Edward and the  coonhounds for the last 3 years, and now that I was taking men's cock in my bottom I'd told Kurt that I wanted Edward and the coonhounds to start using my bottom too.

    -Ed asks me if I want to see if Timbo his stallion pony will butt-fuck me-

I very much wanted to learn how to start getting butt-fucked by Edward and the coonhounds, so I agreed to go out to Ed's farm and see if Timbo would really do it to me.

                                              

Timbo, my friend Ed's stallion pony breeds me, my first time ever taking a  animals partner's penis up inside my bottom, as soon as Timbo finished breeding me, Ed took me in the house to see if his german shepard T-bone would mount and breed me as well.

Ed had me crawl around on the floor as I flirted and played with T-bone, after a bit Ed told me to just pose with my bottom up                             soon T-bone

was on my back wildly thrusting his penis up into                          me, as quickly

as he started he stopped thrusting, yet he was very                        stuck inside of

me, Ed told me it was called a "copulatoy tie".

Timbo bred me two more times that day.

The following day Virgil the coonhound bred me, by the end of the week all four of the coonhounds were breeding me. 

The following week Edward my jack donkey was breeding me.

                                           Sex with Humans ends

   

Yet sex with my boyfriends, T-bone and Timbo soon ended after someone outed me and my boyfriend at school, and me in the role of sucking cock and getting butt-fucked by different guys, besides my boyfriend from school. ( late August 1975) nothing ever was said about me having sex with Edward, Timbo or the dogs, so whoever started spreading the rumor through school only knew I was having sex with guys.  (I would become Timbo and T-bone's surrogate female again in 1978)

The public shaming was horrible, so horrible I wanted to quit school, I ended seeing my boyfriends

(by that time I was having sex with 5 different guys, they were having me give them blow-jobs or butt-fucking me).

After getting made fun of and shamed for sucking and getting butt-fucked by my boyfriend's by so many students, the reality of being a homosexual boy hit me hard, though I wanted to continue to have sex with my boyfriends, I chose to just be a female surrogate partner for my Male animal partners, and no longer have sex with humans.

I was sneaking and looking at my grandpa's Playboy magazines since aged 9 or 10, and I very much knew I wanted to be

like the girls in Playboy, the first time I realized I truly wanted to be a girl ! 

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And since after puberty 1974, when I looked at beautiful nude in magazines such as 

          Playboy I've dreamed of being like them, not sexually attracted to them.

     "I knew I wanted to be like Her, not have sex with Her"

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I was wearing my mom's panty hose under my jeans as often as possible, got discovered at school one day while in 3 grade wearing panty hose under my jeans after my jeans got ripped down the inseam while on the playground playing.

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In my early teen years I wanted to be like Jodie Foster

I very much wanted to be like Her

Caroline Cossey (born 31 August 1954[2]) is a British model who often worked under the name Tula, which she also used for two memoirs. She appeared in the 1981 James Bond film For Your Eyes Only. Following her appearance in the film, she was outed as transgender by British tabloid News of the World. In 1991, she became the first trans woman to pose for Playboy.[3] Cossey has since then fought for her right to legally marry and be legally recognised as a woman.

 

 

 

 

Once I seen Caroline Cossey in the news, I realized I was in my heart a transsexual type

person like her, and knew I should be a female, wanted to be female sexually roled only.

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Becoming a female-roled/receptive zoosexual

                      " which became my role for life"

Due to circumstances and opportunity I became a female receptive partner for male dogs, a stallion pony and Edward my jack donkey at age 13 (1975)

Once I began being penetrated anally by my animal partners and taking their semen/sperm up inside my body I was quickly fully psychologically emasculated.

By 1982 I was living with my jack donkey Edward and Ted my intact male Dobermann as their female receptive partner, as well as being bred by my friend Ed's stallion pony Timbo and T-bone his intact male german shephard on weekends.

I very much knew my role was set as a female-receptive zoosexual, I had no desire to ever be like a man, my animal lovers

made me feel so "female" by breeding me thus I had no reason to be

with humans sexually.

                          Yet I still wanted to look female like

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Ideally I wish to look as this

I knew I wanted a "Sex change" surgery like Caroline Cossey some day

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Wearing a "Cage" to hide my penis is best thing for me though

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Started wearing a cage in 1998

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    After Edward's death in 1996 due to old age related conditions, life got confusing.

I'd lost all my canine lovers by then due to old age, now it was it was just Jackabee, Tigger and myself living together.

 I suddenly am consumed by my need to expose my erect penis to women

This was psychologically very confusing to me because I had no desire to be with females sexually, I was primarily only attracted to intact male dogs and intact male equines, I hadn't had sex with a human male since age 13 (1975).

My method for exposing myself was to get completely nude, make a order at fast food drive up window, I be fully erect when I pulled into view of the female drive-up attendent, I'd start ejaculating without touching myself as soon as I knew she'd seen my penis, I pay her, take my order then drive off.

I never tried avoid getting caught by speeding away etc. It was though I was trying to get caught, like a "Cry for Help"

As I paid or as the female attendant handed me my order, I would start ejaculating without touching myself, even though I felt so pathetic, vulnerable, and ashamed after the encounter.

I didn't understand why I was compelled to expose myself to females, I had no

desire to have a sexual relationship with them, the idea of me using my penis like a man and penetrating a female was very "ego dystonic” (ego-dystonic; refers to behaviors, values, and ideas that aren’t aligned with the ideal self)

The Idea of being in the male role and using my penis to penetrate another is simply very displeasing, undesirable, to the point of disgusting.

 I become a female-roled/receptive partner for Human Males,

                                                   again! 

    after being a female-roled/receptive partner for my male                             equine and canine partners only, for 22 years   

                                                            I meet Rachel

                   after about a month of exposing myself at drive-ups

                    and she accepts me as a femboy

                                                                 summer of 1997

                                        " I never had the urge to expose myself again "

 

 I'd exposed myself to to the "right Female" at a drive-up window, Rachel, two nights in       a row, the first night when I handed her my money, I also handed her a note with it             that said; "please forgive me, I guess I am trying to be like a real man, but I can't be             because I'm a sissy femboy who loves sucking cock and having a penis in my bottom".

 The following night I went to Rachel's drive-up again, as I pulled up to the window,

 Rachel looked down at me in my car, my penis erect, then said to me as she took my         money " I'd like to watch you suck my boyfriend's "big black cock", I instantly began             ejaculating as she watched, I mumbled to her;

      "I would really like to have you watch me as I suck your boyfriend's big black cock".

  

 I told her my phone number, she called about 30 minutes later once after getting               getting home.

 Rachel told me to meet her and Albert at a park, and Albert would let me suck his               cock, soon I was sucking Rachel's boyfriend Albert's cock as she watched as she sat in         the back seat of their car. After Albert ejaculated in my mouth and I finished                       swallowing it as I myself had a hands free ejaculation in my pants.

 First thing I said to Rachel and Albert was;

 "make me do that every day, and please start fucking my tight sissy femboy bottom too!"

                Becoming Albert's femboy concubine

                                       I start serving Albert sexually as Rachel watches


Albert was topping me and ejaculating in my bottom the    following night. Albert would continue to use me as his femboy concubine until 2005 at least twice a week.
        Rachel and Albert both introduced me to quite a few straight black men who I                      started routinely performing fellatio on or they topped me as well if they wore                    a condom (Albert was only man who I allowed ejaculate inside my bottom)

  Rachel and Albert had a intact male rottweiler, his name was Clyde that was 6 months        old when I met them, I knew I wanted to be Clyde's surrogate female as soon as I got to      know him, yet things were going good just being Albert's and several of his friend's              femboy.

  Just having Rachel there watching as Albert feminized me intensely by having me suck      his cock or using my bottom was the most wonderful thing, yet I did want to confide in

  them that my primary sexual role was getting bred by intact male dogs and equines.

                  Albert was the perfect man for me at that time,

he "man handled me", he was very dominate, confident yet kind to me, he loved having me suck his penis and butt-fucking me, his told me how I was a good sissy, and

                                                                 " Well hung"

 

The important aspect of being with Albert was me being seen by Rachel as a sissy femboy getting fucked by her Man, once I was accepted by Rachel as femboy that Albert could use for fucking and blow-jobs and watched as I performed for Albert, I never again had any interest in exposing myself to females.

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The following summer when Clyde was a year and half

old I confessed to Rachel and Albert that I'd been a female-roled zoosexual since 1970 when I started sucking my uncle's four coonhounds.

I told them about having sex with much older men when age 13, then being outed at school for being a feminine homosexual bottom, and that after the public humiliation, I decided to only have sex with male intact dogs, my jack donkey Edward and my stallion ponies all of whom intensely, frequently were

breeding me until all except for Jackabee, Tigger my jack donkeys, Benbo the stallion pony and Chip the great dane, all my other partners had passed away from old age by 1996. 

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I was craving to be bred by Clyde

I was very worried about telling Rachel and Albert, number one that I am a zoosexual, and number two that I was extremely sexually attracted to Clyde, and wanted him to mount and breed me.

Soon Clyde was breeding me intensively

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My name becomes " Sissy"

Being accepted by Rachel as a Female-roled / emasculated male, then allowing her husband to treat me like a female sexually, Then Albert deeply feminizing me by calling me his female surrogate femboy, he'd usually call me "Sissy" and introduce me to his male friends as "Sissy", even Rachel was soon just calling me Sissy instead of  Michael.

 

                                     They referred too me often as the "chick with dick"

   " I'd say the greatest Affirmation I could get as a "Female-roled male"           was having Rachel watching as Albert treated me like a female and thrust his               penis into my bottom and ejaculated up inside me.

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If I go see strippers, I only want to go with girl friends and be like a "Her"

I very much like women watching me sucking cock and see that I am feminine

Psychoanalytical theories on Exhibitionism


These are based on the assumption that male gender identity 

requires the male child's separation from his mother psychologically
so that he does not identify with her as a member of the same sex,
the way a girl does. 
(in my case I identified as the female sex)
It is thought that exhibitionists regard their mothers as rejecting them on the basis of their
different genitals.

     (I've always wanted to have a vagina/vulva not a penis)
Therefore, they grow up with the desire to force women to accept them
by making women look at their genitals.

         " In my case I want women to accept me as " Female-roled "

   ( I can remember thinking many times " even though I don't have a vulva/vagina, I can still pretend to be a girl ")

classifications of exhibitionism

 

Class I: Fantasizing Exhibitionists
These people fantasize about exhibiting their genitals to unsuspecting persons, but are too timid to actually carry out their fantasies.
They tend to remain happy merely with their exhibitionistic fantasies. They may turn to
zoophilic exhibitionism to fulfill their fantasies, since it apparently is a safer activity.

(in my case I actually became a female-receptive zoosexual, and being with my animal lover was much safer as far as keeping my feminine identity secret and be feminine and submissive for my animal lovers)

Class II: Pure Exhibitionists
These people are cowardly and docile, and they are content with just showing off their genitals from a distance and masturbating. They do not touch their victims or actually do them any harm.

        (in my case, I am not attracted to females sexually, I wanted accept as a female-roled male by them)

-When I was at Rachel and Albert's house, I could dress female like-

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I loved being sexy for Albert, then have Rachel watch as he treated me like a Lady

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I started posing nude for life drawing classes fall of 1997

 I feel this greatly helped with my exhibitionistic behavior I could be nude around many females without any worry of becoming sexually excited, thus                      I was accepted by the females as a non-threating person.

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Me prior to starting to pose nude (1990's)

I very much feel that my being exhibitionistic centers around my need to be socially accepted as a effeminate homosexual and desire to be a female.

Even though I was being highly feminized/emasculated by having my animal lovers breeding me, it was very much socially isolated.

         The main reason I never had the genital sex change surgery;

U.S. Gender Confirmation Surgery Up 19% in 2016, Doctors Say

Gender confirmation surgeries rose 19 percent in 2016 from the previous year, a survey of plastic surgeons said.

 Among transgender women (M to F), 92 percent of the procedures were breast or chest operations, and 7 percent were facial.

Only 15 operations, or 0.9 percent, were on the genitals.

Among transgender men (to M), there were zero genital operations reported.

                                                                                                         - nbcnews.com

      Only 15 operations for genital sex change in 2016

To me that says that there was no truly experienced surgeons in the U S who could do the surgery.

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"How I've always wanted to look"

Sexually I am very much Not a Man

                   Remaining a female-receptive zoosexual partner

           After being out at school for have sex with my boyfriends, being humiliated publicly because I'm was giving blow-jobs and allowing guys to

penetrate me anally.

 

            Having sex with guys wasn't something I continue, 

it was so traumatic being publicly humiliated at that time for me, my animal partners were much safer for me to be with,........... they accepted me as their female partner and made me feel female like.

 

 

 

 

 

For most of my life I've always been a female-receptive zoosexual and my male partners have be large breed intact male dogs, my equine partners have been stallion ponies and jack donkeys. (I started get breed anally in 1975 by male dogs and equines.)

       "I very much prefer being a surrogate female for my animals partners to breed"

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My above score would be 32

I truly only want to be a female surrogate partner for large intact male dogs

                                                                and 

                                  small jack donkeys and stallion ponies

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