The "Need" for daily feminization

A key phrase here is " the seeking of Affirmation of who we are "

What I have learned, the need for Feminization is very Real and important ( Critical ). After a life time of thinking other wise, finding out it to be essential for my psychological well being, to my thinking the only way to deal with the;

                          " Gender dysphoria dilemma"

As a person who has always desired to be the sex not born with, my case wanting so badly to be female, not understanding, no were to learn of it, why I feel this way, is main reason I wish to convey my experince, in hopes interested others might find a bit of better understanding.

Like for me , I only wear women's under clothing, I wear one of "my home-made garters", with leg warmers- leggings (thigh-highs) every day nearly

I have to penetrate my bottom with dildo for cleaning /and feminizing reasons..."daily" !

For example, back in early 2000's I had a group of young 30 years olds, whom simply seen me regularly  for a blow-job, so it was very common to have a guy ejaculate in my mouth everyday.

For myself, having a man ejaculate in my mouth then swallow it, was one of the greatest psychological forms of " getting femininized ", and putting me in my " female - role "

My Main objective was to be like a female,feel like a female, not physical sexual pleasure, that was what I did for them.

I choose to become celibate 14 years ago , prior to I was very used to being anally penetrated by men on a routine basis, which was my way of getting the ultimate Feminization. I can't explain how diffcult being " celibate " is !, thus finding ways to feel Feminine is very,very critical !

For myself ,this is how I wish to look, not only for myself, but as for a male sexual partner.

   Luckly my sex drive is lower then early 2000's

then having need to be with many,many men, and get "penetrated" as often as possible, and,or perform" fellatio " for them.

     Yet I very much want a Man who will treat me like a " lady ". Thus I very much want to be as "lady"

like as possible for such a Man.

       And for me, a big part of being female roled, is

always being ready to sexually pleasure him "24/7".

I really like how I look from behind , and want a man to like my "bottom", and want him to like penetrating me anally, thus keeping myself clean,ready to be penetrated has been a very important part of my life, and my sexual identity, being able to perform  for a Man, and wanting him to like penetrating me,wishing to give him great pleasure.

Above is a video I made back in 1999,after modeling for a year, as well as " fully transitioning " to the female sexual role for men, and had become very " Active " with many men routinely, Looking back , I do often wish I had made the effort to have the " " Sex reassignment surgery (male-to-female) have my penis replaced with female looking " Vulva" (Vulvoplasty and Zero Depth Vaginoplasty) done As far as my need for "Feminization"  and the " Gender Dysphoria " having a penis is One thing

I don't like, and keeps me from being as feminine as I truly feel, so having a "Vulva" affirms my 100% emasculation of even being a male sexual, which I, 100% do not desire to ever wish to be  male like sexually.  I am very,very sure I am 100% female like psycho-sexually.

             100% sexually inverted

   With high need to be " Feminized"

I most likely should of moved to San Francisco area and started the surgery, 

as I wanted to do at the time, and often still wish to do.

       Having a female looking "Vulva" has been a constant desire since early 2000, and a life long urge

       The need for " Affirmation " of my female sexual role, has only gotten more intense with "Time ", my only concern now is finding the right doctor whom can do it, and the " hormone issue" of loss of testosterone and testosterone replacement. I know I don't wish to take estrogen, due to muscle loss etc.

For myself, after watching this video,this is first of my learning of this type surgery (3/1/2020) and it is encouraging that the surgery to have my penis replaced with a female like vagina/vulva is greatly improving !

  Some thing I have wanted to hear and longed for , for many years.

And soon plan to look into having the surgery done, if possible etc.

Believe me, I'd love to meet a Man whom was willing to take me as his full time "Female-roled male " mate.

  As not only do I long for a man to "feminize" me routinely, but the need for best friend

PPV (peritoneum pull-through Vaginoplasty)

In the back of my mind, I always attracted to posing for artists, due to my love of drawing, yet it took me along time to realize it also was helping to fulfil my need to feel feminine.

         I knew for along time that I wanted to perform fellatio on a man,as well as feel his penis up in my body, yet I made myself deny such ideas.

          So much is about the need for " Affirmation " yet I was completely blind, I figured memories of 7th grade were popping up

was reason I suddenly, not only wanted to, it was I needed to find a man, and beg him if I had to, to let me perform fellatio on him. 

  Then by fate, soon after starting to model, as very sexy man asked me if I would like to have a drink with him. We met at a club talked, one thing lead to another, I told him I thought he was sexy, in moments we were in the front seat of his car, I watched as he pulled out his fully erect penis, looked at me, asked if I wanted it, I remember I replied meekly -Yes-, as I leaned down and took his penis in my mouth. I would never be the same again, I knew that moment, and I completely knew who I was, and the role I very much needed to be in. Even though walking out to his car, my own penis was erect, soaking wet with excitement, as soon as I had his penis in my mouth, I went limp, I had no interest after that moment to ever use my penis like a man, and very much knew I needed to be as female like as possible for him, thus it's been 22 years, I've never been erect with a male lover, it's like I instantly transform into a female the moment I start performing fellatio and/or just get undressed for him so he can penetrate my bottom, even though I am having intense psychological pleasure, and a man can make me ejaculate by thrusting in and out of my bottom,I am always tiny and limp when I ejaculate, even now if alone and I wish to ejaculate, I use a dildo in my bottom,dream of a man boning me, yet I can't get a erection, I ejaculate completely tiny and limp. I have tried when having sex (in 22 years I have only had sex with men as a female), it is impossible for me to get a erection, other then I might wake in morning with a erection, which I very much dislike, and wish it to go away, and quickly does. So for myself, getting "Affirmation" of my "femininity " as often as possible, in as many safe ways possible is critical for my mental health.

Believe me, I have desired so much,that I could lift my skirt, and show a Man that I have a " Vagina like a real lady", show him I am truly sexually psychologically female and fully feminized.

                            

                     " Fully committed to be female like for him "

I really don't think I can go being " celibate " much longer, after 14 years,

                         I need a man to take me like a Lady so badly , 

                                    " feel a warm cock up in me ! "

My "MichaelEmeryArt " website page " Being a Sexual Invert (female-roled male) "

Another big advance is the new drugs;

           Preexposure Prophylaxis (PrEP)

          PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis)

Notice

FDA has approved daily oral antiretroviral preexposure prophylaxis (PrEP) with Truvada for adolescents and adults who weigh at least 35 kilograms (77 pounds).

On May 15, 2018, the Food and Drug Administration approved an indication for Truvada for preexposure prophylaxis (PrEP) in adults and adolescents who weigh at least 35 kg (77 lb). The indications for PrEP, initial and follow-up prescribing and laboratory testing recommendations are the same for adolescents and adults.

This change for adolescent use will be incorporated into the next update to the PrEP guidelines.

For HIV prevention, as this was one reason I choose to become " celibate ", because I very much preferred in the past that a Man penetrate me without a condom so he could ejaculate up in me.

    "When I know a Man is ejaculating up in me

  And know that he has, this makes me feel so                             wonderful, so feminine "

 So if I do start seeing Men again, I plan to start taking PrEP, as this was a big issue / concern not 

only for me, but was for the Men whom were having sex with me. At least I could now tell them

that I was taking it daily to prevent " HIV", in hopes of easing both of our's minds as best we can.

I do know after spending nearly 2 years in Alcohol rehab (2015 to 2017), to beat my addiction , which was very much rooted , caused in many ways by my being a "Sexual Invert / female-roled male ", that " Gender dysphoria "  is a very serious dilemma, centered on suppresssion ,inability to be one's true self (most of which is caused by society's long time shaming of transgender people )

And I swore if I over-came this alcohol addiction, (which I have, not a drink in over 5 years now. 

       If I could do that, then I could find courage to accept and live as a "Female-roled male" for a Man.

A part of Mayo clinic's site ;

"Gender dysphoria can impair many aspects of life. Preoccupation with being of another gender than the one assigned often interferes with daily activities. People experiencing gender dysphoria might refuse to go to school, due to pressure to dress in a way that's associated with their sex or out of fear of being harassed or teased. Gender dysphoria can also impair the ability to function at school or at work, resulting in school dropout or unemployment. Relationship difficulties are common. Anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, substance abuse and other problems can occur.

People who have gender dysphoria also often experience discrimination, resulting in minority stress. Access to health services and mental health services can be difficult, due to fear of stigma and a lack of experienced providers.

Adolescents and adults with gender dysphoria before gender reassignment might be at risk of suicidal ideation, suicide attempts and suicide. After gender reassignment, suicide risk might continue.

For me, it would be nice to look like this

       Emasculation and what it means to me

"Deprive (a man) of his male role or identity."- lexico.com

       " Which is my objective I am Female roled" -me

emasculation

1. The removal of the penis and testicles. (removal of the testicles alone is called Castration)

2. Metaphorically, the removal of a male ego, pride, empowerment. Making a man subservient or in a 'feminine' role.

                                   urbandictionary.com

I literally judge my progress on the degree of  " how emasculated " have I become, while society sees it as humilation, a fetish,being sissy etc. I see it as my mission of what I need to become, for example one of the greatest compliments a male lover can say to me is ;                   " Michael you should of been a girl ",  or if a man says; "how is my girl ?"when he calls asking to see me. Has flowers to give me, some new thighs,a skirt, dresss he would like me to wear, Though I realize it is difficult to understand, because my body is male, but in my mind I am a female , not just sexually, psychologically female as any average female always have been.At least I have felt like it since puberty, when first started being a girly-boyfriend for other boys.Metaphorically....you could say, I am a male bodied human that certainly acts like a female, wants bred like female, doesn't want to be a man, I never remember ever wanting to be a man.

Believe me I've prayed many nights before bed, hoping I'd be a girl when I woke up, just so I could be a regular girl, have a man like a regular girl does. Yet stuck some where in between

                                     " It's complex "  

Type of Men that I want

Sexy black men turn me on so much

I just know I want to be feminized,treated like a girl by black guys  or just men, whom treat me nice, yet also feminize me.I just am especially attracted to sexy black men.

My only role is to always be clean and receptive for penetration 

For myself, when a boyfriend ejaculates, it is so wonderful watching him, taking his semen in my mouth to swallow or my bottom, thus imagining he is impregnating me

Guys I really liked, I often would cry out while he was boning me " I wish I could have your baby ", or I might jokingly say to them, " if you bone me every day there is alot better chance of me getting pregnant. Of course it was " funny ", yet got the point across that they could bone me daily

Especially on weekends, I'd travel around a 30 radius, seeing different guys, who would let me suck their cock and or bone me, yet nearly all I was "taking" their semen in me orally or anally.

The homosexual stigma prevented alot of men from penetrating me anally, thus they would only allow me to suck their cock, some only allowed me to give them a hand-job, yet most I found were able to ejaculate in my mouth once I asked and told them thats what I need to help be feminized.

How I met the young man in video above was very exciting, I was working on a home remodeling job,a lengthy job that I was doing alone, he lived next door, and often he and I talked, then one day he,out of the blue he said to me;

        " I bet you like sucking cock ", I was for a second speechless, then I reply yes, he then say to me " would you like to suck mine right " , my replied yes, as I watched him pull his already hard cock out, I dropped to my knees, within minutes he was ejaculating in my mouth, the job lasted a few more weeks, so after the first time, nearly every day he'd come over pull out his hard cock, I'd drop to my knees suck him til he ejaculated, then he'd let me get back to work. After the job was complete, I continued to fellate him on a routine basis.

The Dynamics of the roles establishing my role as Fem-male for a man

  Like in the above interaction , mine and my male friends were well established,

    he would stop over before going to work, unzip his pants,I would go to my              knees, tell him how much I love his cock, how I wanted his cum, then start                sucking him ,he liked me to deep-throat him, he'd usually tell me to swallow it all, he was very good at making me feel submissive, he called me his "sissy-slut "which I liked. My role was being his "Sissy-slut" and suck his cock when he wanted it and always swallow his cum while he watched.

   His role was being a man for me, emasculating me,

                                                 helping me feel not like a man.

I was constantly giving my men blow-jobs in their cars, again very role defining, because they'd call me, tell me ,tell me they wanted me to suck their cock, once I was sucking, often they'd tell me I was a good fem-boy,sissy etc. I love being put in my role as fem-male. If I had time, and could get my bottom clean, I'd often tell my friend, I love to get fucked if he can, if time and place allowed, he often find a private spot to park, then I most often bend over hood, often the guys in this scenario would give me good quick hard pounding,

                                      I love feeling sore,when a man done using my bottom

                                very seldom do I ejaculate,never do I have a erection.

                                  

                          I am getting what I need by them making me feel feminine,

                                                                    and

                                  psychologically emasculating me

Having a boyfriend like my " bottom "

is very important aspect of my sexuality

Visually and functionally

Daily or as often as needed, I've spent alot of time keeping my bottom clean in my life, experimented in so many ways as how to be ready to get " bone ", practiced so I can take any size penis completely up inside me, do kegel type exercises so I can be tight, and grip a man's penis well once he has slid up inside.

Ideally, to get a boyfriend to use my bottom to penetrate is most fulfilling for myself, as I feel so emasculated once he has reached orgasm while humping me, I can get on my knees, ask him to fuck me like I am a girl, because I want to be like a girl for him, and explain to him that I love having a man's cock up in myself so much it's unexplainable, just know I have a cock up in me is so Wonderful.

    I very much make it clear to a boyfriend, I want fucked daily if he wishs, is able, even if just a quick 5 minute pounding. 24/7 if I'm able to meet him, at least he knew he could, and even if I couldn't get clean, I could suck him.

    Which was nice for me if a friend would fuck me routinely.

 For example ;  I might have one friend whom would see me every monday at his office, he'd get his pants off has soon as he got me inside, the door was locked , we had a routine, I'd get a big beach towel on floor spread out, get my pants off, hand him the KY jelly, get on me knee wiggly my bottom, as I asked him to fuck me silly, and that what he'd do, usually in 10-15 minutes he was bucking about,moaning as he ejaculated. 

     I adore when a man has intense orgasms, jerking about,moaning, Omg!, that makes me feel so good !, just knowing I pleased him so well.

     This type setting was very good time for me to wear garter and thigh-highs, I found that making the effort to look feminine is very good when seeing st8 men especially, helping to very much establish that I was the homosexual not him.

I very much like having a boyfriend do this to me daily