6-20-2022

-My childhood sexual abuse effects-

One of the primary reason for disclosing my experiences concerning my sexual history in the most honest and most complete detail, is because since I started researching the topics of bestiality/zoosexuality, exhibitionistic behavior, transsexuality, childhood sexual abuse and trollism nearly 8 years ago, I shockingly have found only little information that is useful, the data on all these topics is so incomplete or non-existing or poorly illustrated to the degree it is nearly useless.

Often the data comes from prisoners with who fear further punishment if they reveal their sexual history.

And (CSA)  childhood sexual abuse is a major problem in the U.S and throughout the world.

For example the below study starts like this;

Sex crimes are a major social problem. Despite changing cultural trends toward open discussion of sexual behavior, information about sex crimes and the individuals who commit them remains sketchy and inconclusive. Psychiatry, psychology, and sociology have tended to avoid the study of sex offenders, perhaps because they are viewed with disdain by all levels of society. Instead, the focus has been on the victims of sex crimes"

                                           My First sexual Assault

I think for myself the events of being forceful sexually assaulted at age 6, and penetrated anally by a young adult male (Mike) as two females held me. (Kim and Peggy)

The shame, mental confusion, the isolating, the whole spectrum of a shocking and surreal aspect of the trauma seemly instantly emasculated me psychologically, by 7 years old I wanted to and was sucking another boy's penis regularly.

I can remember wishing that it was Mike's cock I was sucking as I sucked other guys cocks even when I was 13 years .

At age 13 I soon was sucking adult men's cocks and being anally penetrated by them because I wanted them to!

Even today I often think; " I'm glad he assaulted (penetrated)me and making me be as I am now "......... I do love being female-roled/receptive for males

I truly have no ill feeling toward him, 

Yet the Scout leader who assaulted me at age 12, caused me very serious pain, and loss of trust, and I've always felt he should be punished in some way, and some how prevented from ever doing what he did to me.

I thank, the Great Spirit quite often for not ever having sexual urges toward children

      and I have always felt that turning out simply a " Female-roled/receptive zoosexual" is a;

 

                                                        wonderful out-come"

                                     I would say in spring of 1975

                                                      (age 13)

A major event happened to me that was life changing, very erotic and I at times have 

thought of it as a form of erotic shock or trauma;

          I became extremely sexual attracted to Edward my jack friend, who I befriended                when I was 10 years old, and had been visiting him everyday I possible could                         since................................................................Now at age 13 I found myself desiring to  

          to suck his penis, craving too! until finally one day, the time was right, his penis                    was hanging out, I then got alongside him on my knees, began stroking his big

          long penis, he soon was stiff, jerking about, before I knew it his penis was flared.

          I held on firmly as jerked about then suddenly huge squirts of semen erupted

          from it, the second squirt I was able to get my mouth wide open and take into 

          my mouth, along with all the remaining squirts of semen, I then swallowing it.

I vividly remember riding home on my bicycle , I was in a surreal dazed mental state,

I had Edward's semen all over my shirt, in my hair, could feel it crusted on my face

and the taste of his semen in my mouth as I peddled home.

Once I arrived home, I instantly dashed to the basement bathroom shower, took a shower, the washer/dryer were just outside the bathroom, so got my clothes in the washer and started them washing.

The next day I masturbated, sucked and took Edward's semen again, thus starting my

pattern or habit of doing this for him daily if he was in the mood.

For me being with Edward was like starting a new life, my memories of getting forcefully sexually assaulted were erased, my soon after sucking my neighborhood friend's penis and the being again sexually assaulted by my scout leader a year earlier.

                                      (Edward would start penetrating me anally in the fall 1975)

My first occurrence with Troilism and Exhibitionistic behaviors

(I feel my exhibitionistic behavior, Two chronological times 1985 and 1997, where I would expose myself nude or with an erection to a unsuspecting adult females was very wrong, and because it was very wrong, I have never done it again since 1997)

 

I'd already been with Edward my jack donkey lover since 1975 and it was 1985, I was attempting to be with a human female, as a normal Straight Man, yet it clearly was working, I only wanted to be in the female-receptive role for Edward. (she didn't know I was Edward's female-receptive partner)

First the Troilism disorder started, the symptoms of that with me were, I wanted the Female I was seeing to get a boyfriend/lover, so that she could have sex with him, then she could talk to me about it in detail.

Well she soon found a lover and soon seeing him for sex often, before her date if I was with her was a very exciting time for me, almost like it was me who was getting to have sex with this lover of her's.

I could talk to her as she was getting ready for him, see how excited she was, , then when she talked to me afterwards, how they had sex, she would tell how much she loved being with her new lover etc., which I liked, then after about a month of her seeing him many times, she told me she only wanted to have sex with him and her and I stopped seeing each other.

Because I consider my primary sexual orientation or sexual role to be " female-receptive zoosexual " and have been since age 13, though only active/practicing until 2001, when I became celibate, though I been celibate my partner of choice still remains that of which it was in 2001, "a large breed intact male dog that can breed me " . This has been my struggle for last 22 years since the law was created that prohibits me from having a 

a large breed intact male dog that can breed me  and be my Male lover/companion, 

the conflict within me is;  I know there was no abuse, no harm done to my animal sexual

partners, I allowed them to breed me just as they would a animal of their own type, in my mind, it was actually safer for them to breed me then their own kind, because I didn't bite, kick at them, where a female of their own kind might.

From my perspective I am just so glad that I have no interest of any type of sexual interaction with any human being, whether direct or in-direct contact.

         I, 100% know the only sexual partner I'd ever again consider having would be a; 

                                     a large breed intact male dog that can breed me

I was chronic alcoholic from 2007 until 2013 until I admitted myself into a alcohol rehab. center, spent 2 years living in a very controlled environment to overcome my alcohol addiction.

In large part I overcame my alcohol addiction due to the " Harm Princple ", in that I very much could have become a danger to others by drinking.

If some one said to me; " Michael your a danger to Edward or Max ", my reply would have to be,  " please prove to me in any way that I was ever a danger to Edward or Max, or could ever possible be, when in fact they were breeding me just as they would their very own kind ".

Yet because of social acceptance, going out, driving your car after having 2-3 drinks is not harmful to others?.

I think in order for a society to work, the laws must match the harms that they truly are.

And in order for a individual to change successfully, they need to the reason to change

is based on objective truth and not on subjective ideation and beliefs

I think for myself the events of being forceful sexually assaulted at age 6, then shame, mental confusion, the isolating, the whole spectrum of a shocking and surreal aspect of the trauma seemly instantly emasculated psychologically, by 7 years old I wanted to and was sucking another boys penis regularly.

In essense because I was assaulted then penetrated anally at such a young age, then do to the " Shame Trauma ", it manifested into my feeling that I could not be a viable male partner for a female, I was unfit to be with a female as her Man.

I've read quite of few articles like the below:

I honestly don't even know if I am homosexual, though as I write this all I truly know is I want men or a large breed male dog to use me sexually like I am a female, I want to be their submissive sex slut, plain and simply.

Like with men, sex was clinical, I just got down on my hands and knees and maybe asked them to fuck the man out of me, if I didn't actually say that to them, in my thoughts I wanted them to!

When Max the great dane started fucking me, I can't say that if given the chance, and then say I was in the setting that Doug Spinks was in the true story  (Uniquely Dangerous by Carreen Maloney) ..... Spinks had 8 large breed male dogs he lived with, he to was a zoosexual.

I'm quite sure, I'd of been getting fucked by all 8 of the dogs as often as I could have.

I've read the book, I don't recall him referring to himself like I do as a; " 100% female-roled receptive zoosexual ", yet I believe it was likely his role with his dogs as well.

 

Edward was different though, I never felt like his slut, just his companion plus his female partner he could breed or have me pleasure him orally.

-With Edward, I always felt he was my Man and I was his girl-

                  ( With Edward and Max I never had shame and guilt associations)

     ( I had a high affirmation of my viability to be a good female receptive partner for them)

Joe Kort's article here very much strikes a chord in me;

            Sexual abuse will not orient you, it will disorient you.

A man returning from encounters that don’t match his core sexual identity may struggle for hours or days over such questions as “Am I gay or bi?” when, in fact, he is neither. Nor is he a “sex addict.” Rather, he is compelled to return to the scene of the sexual crime, becoming the little boy trying to figure out why it happened ;

  • Was it something about me that made him pick me?

  • Did I want it?

  • Was there something I did or said to get him to do this to me?

  • Did this make me gay or bisexual, and am I suppressing it?

 

Sexual abuse might impact his erotic interests, but this is not the same as orientation. Sexual orientation determines who a man is attracted to, whether it be a man, a woman, both, or even exotic combinations of gender characteristics. Erotic interest is different: It captures the sexual fantasies and erotic situations one is turned on by; gender may be less important here.

Bringing the compulsion out of the shadows can help put the man in conscious control instead of under the unconscious control of the compulsion. This is not to say that the fantasies will then go away. They are early imprints that have become eroticized, and will likely be with him for life.

The goal is to take mastery of the behavior so that you’re not acting out anymore against your own will

The next step in therapy is to get the client into a men’s sexual abuse group. I often find that men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse have been silent about it throughout their life. Being able to openly talk about with other men helps reduce the shame, which is huge. Victims of childhood sexual abuse will typically carry the shame of the perpetrator, as well as their own.

 -Getting out from behind the veil of secrecy is necessary if one is to successfully shed this shame-

 

                                                                                                                                                                         psychologytoday.com

                 -Being sexually receptive for Straight Men-

I always had a need to be to be made to feel submissive, if a Man called me his slut, it was a great affirmation of my role.

A example of this that was very affirming was when I had a Man that had taken me as his slut, and I had been routinely giving him blow-jobs frequently, then my Man would tell a friend of his about me.

Then this friend called me and told me that he'd been told by my Man that I was his slut, but I was looking for some more Men would take me as a slut.

                      For me this greatly affirmed my " role " as a slut

    (I didn't feel shame so much being a slut for Straight Men, it was more like guilt)

I've always felt, I they treated me like a slut, used me for sex, and say they were married I didn't feel so guilty if I was just giving them blow-jobs, yet if they started fucking me,  there was a defined increase in the shame and guilt element due to the infidelity issue on their part, I didn't feel I was ever unfaithful with any Men because they all knew I was a slut for quite a few men, they all knew I was available for gang-bangs.

               Not Worthy to be a viable Male partner

 

 

My current Counselor believes what I've been doing all these years is a type of ;

                                                              "Revictimization"

Which I can see that happening in myself, yet at the same time I always felt that I was

                               " Not worthy of being a real Man for a female partner "

After my sexual assaults, then once I had voluntarily entered into a submissive female-receptive role for a male in 1968-69, when I started sucking a neighborhood friend's penis routinely.

Then at age 13 in spring of 1975, I began performing fellatio on my jack donkey Edward and ingesting his semen/sperm.

Then in August of 1975, though I was seduced into performing fellatio by a fellow class mate from school, I was very eager and voluntarily began sucking his penis as often as he wished me too.

This lead to him introduced me other older young men whom I started performing for, which lead to them teaching me how to take a large penis up inside my bottom comfortably, thus I became a viable female-receptive partner for men.

  Once I knew I could be a Viable Female-Receptive partner 

                                             for Men

I  never once felt I could be a Viable Male partner

                                     for a Female

 

However, once I started posing nude for Artists in fall of 1997 and ceased dating a female, the trollism disorder and exhibitionistic disorder disappeared and has never reappeared.

I think because I was so deeply feminized and emasculated by 1997 from being Edward's female receptive partner for 21 years.

The disorders were more intense, thus my mind seemed to want to make me prove I could only be a "Slut", for Males.

After becoming a "slut" for men in 1998, I never had any relapse with the troilism or exhibitionistic disorder.

Once I became a " submissive caged slut " at the Indigo house all hopes of ever being a viable partner for a female were completely gone in me.

And finding a place at the Indigo house as a " submissive caged slut " was the ideal spot

for me, as I could be be treated like the sissy slut I'd become, I could get gang-banged every day, yet I still had some control over how and who was fucking me.

I could have a little honor in knowing that I was at least not harming others with my 

exhibitionistic disorder, like I'd done with the drive-up window events.

         My first experience with trollism disorder and exhibitionistic disorders

 

 

 

My first time seeing a Mental health professional was for my Exhibitionism and Troilism :


The two Paraphilias seem to work as one in conjunction, I mean that in that I only had these two things occur the two times I tried being like a real man, and be male roled for a female (short time,mid 1980's)


At about same time my Mom died unexpectly of a heart condition (she was 45). (I started seeing Mental health professional soon after Mom's death).

My method for exposing myself was,

When I seen there was a female attendent working the drive-up window at place like McDonalds, I'd drive around, get my pants down around my ankles then masturbate,
then with my penis erect I go through the drive up, I was certain she'd see my erect penis ejaculating, because I had a low to the ground car and she'd be looking down into the car as I pulled up to the drive-up window. 

Do to the intensity of the arousal, I'd generally start ejaculate(hands-free) the moment I knew she had seen my erect penis, however if I didn't ejaculate the moment she first seen me the intensity further heightened because now I was in full view to her sitting there with my erect penis fully exposed to her during the entire interaction with her while paying or receiving food from her. 

I never touched my penis during the event, as I wanted her to simply see my erect penis 
without touching myself, plus I felt if I was actually stroking my erect penis that would be too threating to her, and just knowing she was seeing me erect caused me to ejaculate, sometime during the time from pulling up to the window until the time she was handing my order to me.


Instantly great cognitive dissonance/ guilt during refractory period following the ejaculation. Most often I would begin to ejaculate the moment I knew the drive-up female had seen my erect penis, yet other times I might not ejaculate until she was handing me my food, yet I always ejaculated at some point when she was observing me, or I thought that she was.

As I drove away, I would instantly feel pathetic and remorse for putting her in that situation.

I felt what I was doing was very wrong, and felt pathetic as a man once I ejaculated for her to see.


I felt a lot of shame afterwards, and worried that I might of scared her, shocked her dangerously, yet I might do it again a few days later at another drive-up.

 

At first I  felt I might be trying to show the female that I was a viable male, yet I after exposing myself to a female in this context a few times, I seemed to want to look pathetic to her, to show her I was pathetic as a man, this in turn also made me feel very submissive and humiliated being in front of her in this pathetic way, it seemed then as though I wished her to pity me.

                                          (I never sped away, I wanted to get arrested)

I always hoped the female drive-up attendent would get my lic.plate number and call the police so I'd be arrested, then I be forced to seek help, yet this never occurred.

So after maybe a month of doing this maybe a dozen times, I went to see a counselor.

I think the only reason I could even live with myself after each event was by knowing

that in the context in which I always did it, involved making sure the female looked fully adult, I knew she wasn't alone, and thus I hoped she wouldn't feel trapped like I did when 

I was sexually assaulted. 

   And I always wanted to be caught and be then, forced to get psychologically help.

I think because I became so quickly consumed by trollism disorder and exhibitionistic disorders after trying to be a Male partner for females, these disorders disappeared once I went back to being only a female-receptive partner for Edward on the first occurrence of both disorders when they appeared in 1986 after trying to be a Male partner for a Female,
yet was living with Edward, once I'd went back to just being Edward's female-receptive partner the disorders disappeared.

Again in 1997, after briefly attempting to be with a Female after Edward's death, both disorders again consumed me, and even more intensely and more risky ways and again I felt extremely pathetic after the female drive-up had seen my erect penis in the same context as in 1986, and again I hoped to be arrested.

Yet I was able to stop after about a month of exposing myself (30 or more events), (and once I ended the relationship with my girlfriend.)

I had to seek psychological counseling, the counseling in both 1986 and 1997 seemed of little help.

    Worry of Troilism and Exhibitionistic disorders relapse

I very much now feel that the need for me to be seen by Females as a " submissive slut" 

who loves sucking men's cocks, loves having men fuck me is away to prove myself to be unworthy of being a viable partner. 

Why would a Female ever want to be with me if she sees me sucking a males cock, see men fucking me like a sissy slut ?

  "What a shield I've created, a shield so no female would ever want me for their Man"

    The Dynamics of the Troilism and Exhibitionistic behaviors

I very much search to understand better;

For example at one time I thought; 

                   " is this a way to show a female that I am a viable male partner "

Then I would think ;

    " why would any female want a pathetic male who exposes his erect penis to her as

      he sits in his car ? "

   - Thus, the Cycle of Pathetic begins and has never ended -

                            It was safe for me to be a pathetic submissive slut for men

                I truly believe I have never felt pathetic with Edward or Max however,

             yet with females I've always needed to prove that I was a pathetic sissy slut,

              so by being with men so I could prove to the female that I was a pathetic sissy                   slut, I in turn had to perform for the Man like a pathetic sissy slut.

                       " In turn I truly became a Pathetic Sissy Slut"

         "Now my world revolves around me being just that"

                                        A Pathetic Sissy Slut

                          Who wants the man fucked out of me

The Issue now is;      " How do I undo, who I've become ? "

Especially since in order to live with myself, I had to make myself be

proud to be a Pathetic Sissy Slut, and be the best slut I could possibly be.

I mean, how many sissy sluts can say they've been gang-banged by over a hundred men in a day, or has been routinely getting fucked by a donkey with a 20 inch cock for 21 years ?

                         

My Sexual Orientation as a " Female-Receptive Zoosexual "

I've always felt it was a " Trust " element, and a form of adaptation to the situation I was in, and due to the fact that I was wanting to have sex with a Male and in a very clearly defined way; " I wanted treated like a female by a Male ".

Wanting to be treated like a female by a Male is the one concrete psychological aspect

of my sexuality that has never changed.

Thus when I found myself very sexually attracted to my jack donkey Edward at age 13, then when he allowed me to masturbate him, and when he did ejaculate in my mouth, I could of not liked it, and never done it again.

Yet I really liked having his penis in mouth, and I really liked ingesting his semen, thus I simply continued to do it.

After masturbating, sucking his penis then ingesting his semen as often I could through out the summer of 1975 as often as I possible could, which was most every day at least once.

In my mind, it was in a relatively short time when I can recall often thinking; " I have to have Edward for my Man " and I always want to be his "Girl ".

I don't recall actively trying to get Edward's penis into my bottom, yet I call recall wanting to have him breed me like I'd seen him a female donkeys in the past.

Yet, after school restarted for fall classes in August and I was seduced by a fellow class mate, he soon had me giving him a blow-job everyday for about a week, then he introduced me to a quite a bit older male friend of his, I started giving him blow-jobs as well, my new older friend soon told me that he wanted to start fucking me like a girl, which excited me alot I recall.

He gave me a 2 foot long dildo he had, instructed me how to used it, and veg. oil to douche and clean my bottom so he could start fucking me like a girl, I eagerly followed his instructions, and soon both my boyfriends were fucking me many times a week.

Soon my friends were taking me to a older friends house were I be gang-banged by quite of few older guys.

It wasn't long after, I go to school one day and friends were coming up to me asking if I really had been letting guys fuck me, if I was gay etc., Needless to say I was completely traumatized, didn't know what to say, students were yelling in the hallways if they seen me; " Michael is gay !" .

            After that I would never have sex with human Males

                                   ( until 1998 and after Edward's death )

I quickly developed severe OCD, after the shaming trauma of the public humiliation, I became as isolated from all outside activities except for being with Edward as often as I could.

I was able to get Edward to mount me, then successfully take his penis up inside my bottom, so by late September Edward was breeding me routinely.

Edward simply became my Man, I loved him, loved how he made me feel female when he breed me.

Web capture_22-5-2022_5125_editor.wix.com.jpeg

I have always reinforced my identity as a female-receptive zoosexual by not concerning

myself with how society might view my sexual relationship with Edward, then later Max by " Imagining I lived alone with Edward in some distant land where no other humans lived "

   - The very thought of giving up my identity as a submissive sissy slut is terrifying -

I can honestly say I never have felt any guilt or shame for being Edward's female-receptive sexual partner or Max's female-receptive sexual partner

                                                                                   verse

Being an exhibitionist, and exposing my erect penis to a adult female where I feel much 

guilt and shame.

The first two years that I was a female-receptive slut for mainly for a group of young straight Men ages 18-21, were in a given month I might masturbate, give a blow-job too or get fucked by as many as 50 different individual men, a third of which I might perform sexually for 2-5 times each in a given week.

It was not that uncommon for me to have 50-100 sexual encounters with 50-100 individuals, especially once I'd started getting party fucked and gang-banged.

For example; if I was at a party and available for the guys to take me to a private room and fuck me, and the party started a 7pm, by midnight it wasn't uncommon have been fucked by 10 guys multiple times. If several of the guys or I called friends that were not at the party, these guys might show up though out the night, take me into the private room, fuck me then quickly leave.

For example quite a few times there might be 20-30 guys that show up that I'd never met before, they'd all take me to the room fuck me, ejaculate in less then a minute one after one until they all had fucked me, so I could easily get fucked by 30-40 guys in a hour.

This was a good way for me to meet new guys whom then would take me as their slut for routine weekly sex.

I truly believe at that time, if I was financially set and had no need to work, I could of been

serving men sexually 6-7 hours a day 7 days a week on a individual basis. 

In large part because at that time I lived in a very large metro. area with population exceeding 400,000 (The MSA had an estimated population of 381,568 as of 2020, and the CSA had a population of 474,019, making it the 91st largest CSA in the nation)

                                                                                                                                              (excluding getting party fucked or gang-banged)

I never felt little if any shame when having sex with my young men, as I knew they were at least 18 years of age, we were having as safe as sex possible, in that they all had to wear a condom, I always kept my bottom clean and lubed and I wasn't sucking theirs cocks or ingesting anyone's semen while having sex while in party fuck or gang-bang context.

Even though I was 36 years old in 1998, and most of the young men who were using me for sex were 18-21 years old, the consent law in the state I lived/live is 16 years old, they to like Edward and Max were fully consenting in that, they allowed me to perform fellatio on them and fully consenting when they were using my bottom to penetrate.

I actually felt guilt when I would perform fellatio on a married man, and even more guilt if I begged him to start using my bottom, then he actual did fuck me, then he might say  before, during or after he was done; " Michael I'm only doing this because I know you love being fucked",  that made me feel guilty.

                 Though I am working on trying to eliminate

                       my sexual desire for a male dog lover

Due to the fact that I've been a female-receptive zoosexual my entire life or at least since

13 years old, to change my sexual orientation to heterosexual non-zoosexual will be a very

difficult task, especially since I am so psychologically emasculated from always being a female-receptive partner for males, and have no desire to be in the male role for a female.

I very much would love to be partnered with a jack donkey again, yet it isn't realistic, due to the difficulty of keeping a jack donkey, one needs to have rural acreage for him.

I all really I am of same mind set as in 1997, except I never have had any exhibitionistic urges since that time, I still consider my primary sexual orientation to be " female-receptive zoosexual " and prefer not to ever have sex with a human being in any way.

                  I don't think I'd be Attracted to Males,

                                                                          or

                      Want to be treated like a female by Males

                               (be 100% female-receptive for Males)

                                       If I had Not been sexually assaulted

excerpts from; Why Male Victims of Child Sexual Abuse Keep It Secret psychologytoday.com

1. Shame and Self-Blame

Sexual abuse consistently causes a child to feel ugly inside and feel as if they are “used property” or “damaged goods.” Since children typically blame themselves for the abuse, victims tend to feel they are “bad,” “sinful,” and “evil.” And the victimization itself causes a child to lose feelings of personal power since they are forced to feel the impact of being utterly helpless.

2. A case similar to mine;   "Even though Shane had never experienced any form of sex with a man before and the man physically forced his penis into Shane’s anus, Shane refused to believe that he had been sexually abused. It took quite some time before Shane came to understand that he had, in fact, been sexually assaulted and that he was repeating the abuse by continually being involved with much older men who physically and sexually abused him."   (In my case I've always needed to be "used" for sex, called a slut, used like a slut by Men)

-One of the parts of this lifelong puzzle of how I became to be who I am-

                                                                             is

 How the troilism behavior: (The behavior of voluntarily and knowingly inducing one’s partner to perform sexual acts with other people, to receive emotional and sexual gratification)

                      This always followed after trying to be with a female partner

 

                                                   which quickly was followed by

                                                My Exhibitionistic behavior

Both behaviors causing great psychological confusion, turmoil, shame and guilt which

leads to another set of issues to deal with, and both being my worst regrets in life, I say the my " drive-up window exposure behavior " being the worst.

I think the only reason I could even live with myself after each event was by knowing

that in the context in which I always did it, involved making sure the female looked fully adult, I knew she wasn't alone, and thus I hoped she wouldn't feel trapped like I did when 

I was sexually assaulted. 

   And I always wanted to be caught and be then, forced to get psychologically help.

One of the hardest things for me to do since becoming a adult is to watch a romance like

                                                                                  below

And know that it can't be like that for me with a Women