My Extreme desire to have a Vagina / Vulva

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From my earliest memories or around 8 years old after seeing my step-sister's smooth vulva I've desired not to have a penis and so much wished I could look like her.

Then once puberty came, at which time I knew with certainty that I wanted to be like a girl is sexually and felt I should be a girl because I wanted boyfriend who would sexually treat me like a girl.

In some intuitive way I knew something was wrong inside my brain, though difficult to put into words, and surreal things felt at times in that I should't feel like I should be a girl cause I was a boy, yet at same time it felt perfectly natural, especially after puberty when my desire was to be treated sexually by males like a I was female.

Edward just happened to be in my life at the right time, and he happened to be " very male " to me, and once puberty and which came and hit me like a tidal-wave making me extremely sexually attracted to him as a male partner that I could perform as a female for.

And much like in Autobiography of an Androgyne I had a extreme desire to perform fellatio on Edward.

By chance Edward allowed me to start masturbating and perform fellatio so I could take his semen orally.

Due to fact that Edward's duty in life was breeding female donkeys (jennies) I had gotten to see him breed jennies since I'd first met him at age 10, and now at age 13 and by June of 1975 I was performing fellatio on him most everyday any where from 1-10 times a day through out summer break.

     My really extreme desire was to have Edward really breed me,

                             just as he did the " jennies "

     This also brought the extreme desire to have a vagina and one                      that would accomodate his long and flared penis.

Autobiography of an Androgyne ;

Jennie June was born into a Puritan family[1] in 1874 in Connecticut. His birth name is unknown; he used at various times the pseudonyms "Jennie June", "Earl Lind", and "Ralph Werther".[1][3] At the time, the term "transgender" had not been coined; instead words such as "androgyne", "invert", and "fairie" were used. He struggled throughout his life up to his late twenties with his extreme desire to perform fellatio, claiming to have partaken in over sixteen hundred sexual encounters in the span of a dozen years- Wikipedia

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Again by chance , once starting 7 grade at a new school that fall of " 75" I met a male student my age whom took me as his "femboy" and had me regularly perform fellatio on him, after a week of giving him a blow-job everyday after school he introduced me to a older friend of his whom I started performing fellatio as well, then one day he asked if I like to start taking his penis up inside my bottom. I told him I wanted so badly to feel like a female and know what it's like to have his big penis inside me, he explained he'd use my bottom just like it was a real vagina and impregnate me with sperm just like a real female.

My friend explained to how to prepare and clean my bottom in order to take his 10 inch long penis all the way in me using a 2 foot long dildo which he gave me.

After practicing with it just as he had instructed using lots of veg. oil then sliding it up inside me for several days I was able to get completely clean as well as get 18-20 inches of the dildo completely up inside me.

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Thus my two friends started using my bottom like a vagina and started impregnating me with their sperm.

I guess as when I met Edward his role or purpose in life the only reason the owner of the stables kept him around was to breed jennies and my role or purpose in life became ;

                  " To be Edward's one and only surrogate jennie to breed "

And that literally became my goal in life ;

         " To be his companion and his female sexual roled breeding partner "

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" Only Edward's cock "

I practiced and practiced with the dildo , then finally by October I felt I was ready and very determined to try and seeing if Edward would and could successfully start breeding me like a jennie.

By luck and shear determination I was able get him to hop up and mount me just as he would the jennies, and without much effort he was able to thrust in and out of me just as though I was a real jennie.

                 Though not logically or realistically 

to have the surgery so I could have a vagina and then one that could accommodate 

Edward's 20 inch long penis was a silly idea, it still was my dream and it is very logically to to have my penis removed in order to match my female sexual identity that wasn't silly, as I've never had the desire to be like a man sexually, thus seeing myself with a vulva fits my natural female sexual identity.

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Once Edward started breeding me like a jennie, I simply had no desire for a human sexual partner and only wanted to be with him in a monogamous relationship as his female partner.

Dreamed of posing for Life Drawing classes after

                 " Sexual Reassignment Surgery "

Soon after starting to pose, I found I truly love posing for life drawing classes, found it was a great social event for me, a place I could be accepted for expressing myself in a not so normal setting.

                                    And I loved being amongst artists

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- Eliminates any  Misinterpretations about my sexual role -

By having a female looking vagina / vulva it clearly defines my sexual identity

I simply look like ;

"I should look" by having a female like vulva, thus female sexually receptive roled.

Due to fact that I am not attracted to gay men, I don't want them attracted to me.

 The following study covers this topic;

  " Heterosexual men’s willingness to engage in sexual interactions with feminine trans individuals who have penises appears to be highly variable across cultures4 . Ethnographic research suggests that, in many cultures, these interactions are not uncommon1,3 . In certain cultures, such as the USA and Canada, however, they appear to be relatively rare5,6 . Across cultures, gay men are less likely than heterosexual men to express sexual interest in feminine trans individuals, including those with penises.

Due to fact that my primary sexual attraction was for Edward my jack donkey, then secondly heterosexual men complicates things.

And even when with Edward 1975-1996, I still felt I should have a vagina / vulva to match my sexual role.

I have nothing against gay men, it's just I don't want anyone performing fellatio on me and I'm definitely am not going to sexually penetrate anyone with my penis.

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I've always simply felt that I should be a "Girl "

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                            I've always battled the mental states of;

                    Ego-dystonic - Gender dsyphoria - Cognitive Dissonance

Ego-dystonic [e″go-dis-ton´ik] -


denoting aspects of a person's thoughts, impulses, attitudes, and behavior that are felt to be repugnant, distressing, unacceptable, or inconsistent with the rest of the personality.
Repugnant to or at variance with the aims of the ego and related psychological needs of the person (for example, an obsessive thought or compulsive behavior); the opposite of ego-syntonic.

Gender dsyphoria -

Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity. It's sometimes known as gender identity disorder (GID), gender incongruence or transgenderism/ transsexuality. 

                                                                              (I consider myself, psychologically transsexual)

Cognitive Dissonance -

In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the perception of contradictory information. Relevant items of information include a person's actions, feelings, ideas, beliefs, values, and things in the environment. Cognitive dissonance is typically experienced as psychological stress when persons participate in an action that goes against one or more of those things. According to this theory, when two actions or ideas are not psychologically consistent with each other, people do all in their power to change them until they become consistent. The discomfort is triggered by the person's belief clashing with new information perceived, wherein the individual tries to find a way to resolve the contradiction to reduce their discomfort.

Examples of ego-dystonic for me

  1. Though only on few occasions did I attempt to have a sexual relationship with a female it was distressing, unacceptable, or inconsistent with the rest of my personality and sexual role. It was though trying to do something society deemed correct, yet not correct for me.

Because Edward had been my first true companion/sexual partner and male,and I was perfectly suited for him as a female partner, trying to be with a female was almost like a " homosexual act ", as having sex with a male for me seems very "normal" because I feel I should be female.

It was distressing, unacceptable to try to present myself to a female as a "Real heterosexual male" when clearly knew I wasn't.

It was distressing, unacceptable to be unfaithful to Edward.

 2. I think one of the most difficult aspects of being a;

             " Female-roled / psychological transsexual person " is the inability to have honest platonic relationships with females, to reveal to them I'm a transsexual, as well as exclusively attracted "a male donkey" to be my male sexual partner.

 3.It was distressing, unacceptable to be unfaithful to Edward when I had the very short-lived sexual relationship with my two male partners after I had already been performing fellatio / masturbating Edward prior to meeting them, and to this day regret it happened, as I wanted Edward to be the first and only one to "breed" like a female. Once Edward had bred me, I very much knew I was dedicated to being his female partner, though once I'd attempted to use my penis as a normal male and penetrate a female, I became distressed and found it very unacceptable to use my penis in such a way, this is when the strong urge to have my penis removed came to be.

          I greatly regret ever trying to have a sexual relationship with a female,

                      yet by doing so, I learned it was distressing, unacceptable.

Believe me, if a surgeon could have told me in 1990 for example, that he could create a functioning vagina that would accommodate Edward's penis, I think I would have selected to have the surgery. Because I had no intentions of ever looking for another lover/partner then Edward.

Even when I started performing in the female role for men in 1998, two years after having to euthanize Edward due to his illness, I very much still wanted to find a male donkey partner similar to Edward.

       And preferred not to any longer have any sexual contact with humans.

                                                                   or

                      any "Being" other than a jack donkey or stallion horse

Because I could satisfy Edward sexually by having him penetrate me anally, I seen no real advantage to seek the surgery in regards to my ability to be bred b him, and if I was too sore to take him anally, I simply masturbated/ fellated him in order to please him, and take his semen into my body.

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If I walked into the surgeon's office and ask him can you make me look similar to the below images by keeping my testes, and the response was; Yes!, I have the surgery done.

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For me, having a penis has always been in a conflict with my sexual role, which is 100% female receptive, I am also very submissive sexually with a male lover, or in my case the majority of my sexual life was performing sexually for Edward my jack donkey.

                 A Paradox

I see so many male to female transgender individuals in groups at Flickr for example whom share photos of themselves with their fully erect penis.

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Makes me want to look as I do above for them

I just don't understand , the above individual went to so much work to look beautiful, feminine, yet they pose showing intense maleness......at least for me, a big hard penis like above makes me want to be as submissive and feminine as I can be, so they might want me as their "femboy". In essence, seeing a hard cock , makes me want it in my mouth and bottom.

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I know I'm very much female-roled / sexually

inverted though as I would never want a sexual partner to see me with a erection, as it is very important to me that my penis is always limp and unimportant (I wish it would evaporate).

        If nothing else, having a erect penis is far to much symbolically  "Male" to me ;

    when I so much want to feel like a                      female sexually.

For me it was/is so very present myself to a sexual partner that I am 100% female-roled, passive/receptive, fully psychologically emasculated, and very submissive, I don't like a partner to even touch my penis, let alone use it as a real man does.

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