My Extreme desire to have a Vagina / Vulva

                         due to my role identity is as a ;

                                                pre-operative transsexual

   The first exposure I had to " Sex Change Surgery " was the early     1980's, hearing about Caroline Cossey's story of being in                 the James Bond movie " For Your Eyes Only " as male to female     transsexual, that moment I realized I too was at heart a " Male         to Female type transsexual ".

   I definitely knew that I only wanted treated like I am a female by           males (male dogs/equines) when they had sex with me by that time.

   Even though I also knew I wanted to primarily be a female

   sexual partner for my male dogs, by 1985 Ted my dobermann,           Tanner my blood hound and Temper my great dane and Edward        my jack donkey were all living with me and breeding me. 

    I hadn't had sex with a human male since 1975, and I was very 

    happy being a female partner for my animal lovers, yet still always

    wished that I could have the " sex change surgery ".

    The HIV/Aids crisis was in full force by the mid 1980's, I was very       lucky to have my animal lovers, and avoiding humans sexually.

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From my earliest memories or around 8 years old after seeing my step-sister's smooth vulva I've desired not to have a penis and so much wished I could look like her.

Then once puberty came, at which time I knew with certainty that I wanted to be like a girl is sexually and felt I should be a girl because I wanted boyfriend who would sexually treat me like a girl.

In some intuitive way I knew something was wrong inside my brain, though difficult to put into words, and surreal things felt at times in that I should't feel like I should be a girl cause I was a boy, yet at same time it felt perfectly natural, especially after puberty when my desire was to be treated sexually by males like a I was female.

Edward just happened to be in my life at the right time, and he happened to be " very male " to me, and once puberty and which came and hit me like a tidal-wave making me extremely sexually attracted to him as a male partner that I could perform as a female for.

And much like in Autobiography of an Androgyne I had a extreme desire to perform fellatio on Edward.

By chance Edward allowed me to start masturbating and perform fellatio so I could take his semen orally.

Due to fact that Edward's duty in life was breeding female donkeys (jennies) I had gotten to see him breed jennies since I'd first met him at age 10, and now at age 13 and by June of 1975 I was performing fellatio on him most everyday any where from 1-10 times a day through out summer break.

     My really extreme desire was to have Edward really breed me,

                             just as he did the " jennies "

     This also brought the extreme desire to have a vagina and one                      that would accomodate his long and flared penis.

Autobiography of an Androgyne ;

Jennie June was born into a Puritan family[1] in 1874 in Connecticut. His birth name is unknown; he used at various times the pseudonyms "Jennie June", "Earl Lind", and "Ralph Werther".[1][3] At the time, the term "transgender" had not been coined; instead words such as "androgyne", "invert", and "fairie" were used. He struggled throughout his life up to his late twenties with his extreme desire to perform fellatio, claiming to have partaken in over sixteen hundred sexual encounters in the span of a dozen years- Wikipedia

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Again by chance , once starting 7 grade at a new school that fall of " 75" I met a male student my age whom took me as his "femboy" and had me regularly perform fellatio on him, after a week of giving him a blow-job everyday after school he introduced me to a older friend of his whom I started performing fellatio as well, then one day he asked if I like to start taking his penis up inside my bottom. I told him I wanted so badly to feel like a female and know what it's like to have his big penis inside me, he explained he'd use my bottom just like it was a real vagina and impregnate me with sperm just like a real female.

My friend explained to how to prepare and clean my bottom in order to take his 10 inch long penis all the way in me using a 2 foot long dildo which he gave me.

After practicing with it just as he had instructed using lots of veg. oil then sliding it up inside me for several days I was able to get completely clean as well as get 18-20 inches of the dildo completely up inside me.

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Thus my two friends started using my bottom like a vagina and started impregnating me with their sperm.

I guess as when I met Edward his role or purpose in life the only reason the owner of the stables kept him around was to breed jennies and my role or purpose in life became ;

                  " To be Edward's one and only surrogate jennie to breed "

And that literally became my goal in life ;

         " To be his companion and his female sexual roled breeding partner "

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I practiced and practiced with the dildo , then finally by October I felt I was ready and very determined to try and seeing if Edward would and could successfully start breeding me like a jennie.

By luck and shear determination I was able get him to hop up and mount me just as he would the jennies, and without much effort he was able to thrust in and out of me just as though I was a real jennie.

                 Though not logically or realistically 

        I've only wanted a functioning vagina if it could accommodate Edward's penis

I've never had the desire to be like a man sexually, thus seeing myself with a vulva fits my natural female sexual identity and instinct.

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Once Edward started breeding me like a jennie, I simply had no desire for a human sexual partner and only wanted to be with Edward, Timbo my stallion pony partner and Virgil, Ward, Blue, and Jitter my uncle's coonhounds.

   (I would continue to be bred by Virgil, Ward, Blue, and Jitter until 1981, Timbo until 1992)

Dreamed of posing for Life Drawing classes after

                 " Sexual Reassignment Surgery "

Soon after starting to pose, I found I truly love posing for life drawing classes, found it was a great social event for me, a place I could be accepted for expressing myself in a not so normal setting.

                                    And I loved being amongst artists

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- Eliminates any  Misinterpretations about my sexual role -

By having a female looking vagina / vulva it clearly defines my sexual identity

I simply look like ;

"I should look" by having a female like vulva, thus female sexually receptive roled.

Due to fact that I was not attracted to gay men at the time, I don't want them attracted to me, because unless a gay wants a 100% feminine bottom I'm not right

for them.

 The following study covers this topic;

  " Heterosexual men’s willingness to engage in sexual interactions with feminine trans individuals who have penises appears to be highly variable across cultures4 . Ethnographic research suggests that, in many cultures, these interactions are not uncommon1,3 . In certain cultures, such as the USA and Canada, however, they appear to be relatively rare5,6 . Across cultures, gay men are less likely than heterosexual men to express sexual interest in feminine trans individuals, including those with penises.

Due to fact that my primary sexual attraction was for Edward my jack donkey, then secondly heterosexual men complicates things.

And even when with Edward 1975-1996, I still felt I should have a vagina / vulva to match my sexual role.

I have nothing against gay men, it's just I don't want anyone performing fellatio on me and I'm definitely am not going to sexually penetrate anyone with my penis.

However when I met my Dom Top man Steve and he caged and collared me, and I became a group Indigo house slut, my attraction changed once I started performing fellatio on and being topped by many gay men.

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I've always simply felt that I should be a "Girl "

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                            I've always battled the mental states of;

                    Ego-dystonic - Gender dsyphoria - Cognitive Dissonance

Ego-dystonic [e″go-dis-ton´ik] -


denoting aspects of a person's thoughts, impulses, attitudes, and behavior that are felt to be repugnant, distressing, unacceptable, or inconsistent with the rest of the personality.
Repugnant to or at variance with the aims of the ego and related psychological needs of the person (for example, an obsessive thought or compulsive behavior); the opposite of ego-syntonic.

Gender dsyphoria -

Gender dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity. It's sometimes known as gender identity disorder (GID), gender incongruence or transgenderism/ transsexuality. 

                                                                              (I consider myself, psychologically transsexual)

Cognitive Dissonance -

In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the perception of contradictory information. Relevant items of information include a person's actions, feelings, ideas, beliefs, values, and things in the environment. Cognitive dissonance is typically experienced as psychological stress when persons participate in an action that goes against one or more of those things. According to this theory, when two actions or ideas are not psychologically consistent with each other, people do all in their power to change them until they become consistent. The discomfort is triggered by the person's belief clashing with new information perceived, wherein the individual tries to find a way to resolve the contradiction to reduce their discomfort.

Believe me, if a surgeon could have told me in 1990 for example, that he could create a functioning vagina that would accommodate Edward's  20 inch penis, I think I would have selected to have the surgery. Because I had no intentions of having lovers/partners then then Edward, the stallion ponies and large intact male dogs.

Even when I started performing in the female role for men in 1998, two years after having to euthanize Edward due to his old age/illness, I very much still wanted to find a male donkey partner similar to Edward.

       And preferred not to any longer have any sexual contact with humans.

                                  At least until 1997 I was only being bred by

         Edward my jack donkey, stallion ponies and large intact male dogs.

Because I could satisfy Edward sexually by having him penetrate me anally, I seen no real advantage to seek the surgery in regards to my ability to be bred by him, and if I was too sore to take him anally, I simply masturbated/ fellated him in order to please him, and take his semen into my body.

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If I walked into the surgeon's office and ask him can you make me look similar to the below images by keeping my testes, and his response was; Yes!, I have the surgery done. (a zero-depth vagina)

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For me, having a penis has always been in a conflict with my sexual role, which is 100% female receptive, I am also very submissive sexually with a male lover, or in my case the majority of my sexual life was performing sexually for Edward my jack donkey.

                 A Paradox

I see so many male to female transgender individuals in groups at Flickr for example whom share photos of themselves with their fully erect penis.

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Makes me want to look as I do above for them

I just don't understand , the above individual went to so much work to look beautiful, feminine, yet they pose showing intense maleness......at least for me, a big hard penis like above makes me want to be as submissive and feminine as I can be, so they might want me as their "femboy". In essence, seeing a hard cock , makes me want it in my mouth and bottom.

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I know I'm very much female-roled / sexually

inverted though as I would never want a sexual partner to see me with a erection, as it is very important to me that my penis is always limp and unimportant (I wish it would evaporate).

        If nothing else, having a erect penis is far to much symbolically  "Male" to me ;

    when I so much want to feel like a                      female sexually.

For me it was/is so very present myself to a sexual partner that I am 100% female-roled, passive/receptive, fully psychologically emasculated, and very submissive, I don't like a partner to even touch my penis, let alone use it as a real man does.

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                               - If I was 13 years again now-

Now that hormone therapy for transgender MtoF persons like myself are widely available and studied I would liked going on hormones to try to develop natural breasts and maybe other feminine body features, yet even now I don't think I'd have the vulvoplasty, as much as I wish I had vagina/vulva for sexual role affirmation, I still don't think surgical it is feasible.

 

             The significance of wearing a chastity cage

 

Wearing a cage on my penis, which I started doing 100% of time in 2000 once I had been taken by a Dom Top man as his caged/collared submissive slut, thus when having sex with men, it was an affirmation to them that I was 100%, a completely psychologically emasculated & submissive bottom homosexual male.

I wanted and needed to feel as emasculated and submissive as possible,

by being topped by all the men in the capacity as a caged house slut, made me feel so emasculated, freed me of a male identity.

While wearing the cage I had to sit down like a female to pee, this was a further emasculating effect the cage had.

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I would loved to have small natural hormone induced breasts liked these two transgender individuals.

As well as maybe the hormones could maybe caused shrinking of my penis.

After hearing Caroline Cossey's story in early 80's I definitely knew I wanted to be as much like a girl as I possibly could be. I'd been with Edward over five years, I was 100% psychologically emasculated, knew I needed to only be in the female-role sexually.

"She appeared in the 1981 James Bond film For Your Eyes Only. Following her appearance in the film, she was outed as transgender by British tabloid News of the World."

The news of Caroline Cossey, instantly caught my attention, from the standpoint of;

  " there are other males out there that should of been born a girl like me ", thus she was an instant role model for me and has been since.

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                                                                           .                                                                                

 

I remember being concerned about my name, if I got a sex change then really looked like a girl I'd need to change my name, then one day as I watched the credits of; " The Walton's " t.v show(1972-81),

I discovered Olivia Walton's real name was Michael Learned​, needless to say I was excited, I could be a girl and still have my name Michael.

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Michael Learned

                                                             Looking back now,

 

When I left the Indigo group in 2005, the very reason was because I needed to distance myself from Max, as I wanted to be with him so badly, and not being able to because of the new law, I just had to get away from the whole situtation.

Looking back now,

                                           Because even today 22 years since I been in sexual relationship

as zoosexual (was with Max my great dane partner), or since being with any human partner. 

        " And now I still extremely desire a large breed intact Male dog as my partner "

                                           I should have tried T-blockers to see how reducing my testosterone would effect me, physically and mentally, and if then seemed not to effect me, and helped reduce my sex drive,

Then;

I should of gotten the vulvoplasty surgery (had my penis/testes removed) as soon as I decided to be celibate, I'd at least had a female looking vulva, and a more rational reason for the surgery , in that by having my testes removed it may have greatly reduced my sexual desire, thus making celibacy a much easier process.

Yet due to the fact I was only 43 years old at the time, and really uncertain if I wanted to be celibate, and prior to that time I told myself if I did get a vulvoplasty, I wanted to retain my testes because of the hormone issues. My idea was have a large puffy vulva created that would conceal my testes, similar to the female in below photo

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Wearing my cage everyday does help me feel emasculated and female-roled

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Since I started posing wearing a chastity cage I even more so realize how much I dis-like having a penis, and because psychologically I am very much like a female, and 100% like a female psycho-sexually. I do know any posing I do from now on I will be wearing a cage to conceal my penis, and express that I am female-roled sexually.

For me wearing a cage helps me greatly feel emasculated, a alternative to vulvoplasty surgery

Now more than ever I wish I had a vulva and breasts to look good for my Men

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I've always desired to get pregnant

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Though silly, I've always dreamed that my animal partners could get me pregnant

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In 1997 when I started being female-receptive for human males again after 21 years of only being receptive for my male canine and equine partners, the desire for the surgery to have my penis removed sudden became much more important.

I would like to retain my testes in the vulva, in order to avoid the hormone complexities involved with a the vulvoplasty type surgery.

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My idea of what I might look like if they could surgerical retain my testes

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Ideally I wish I looked as above photo

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My idea of a puffy vulva with my testes retained in the labia, so I wouldn't need to take hormones.

           Since my Male Canine and Equine sexual partners,

accepted me, as their "Female Receptive partner" and up until 1996 when Edward passed away from old age, even though I had always wanted the wanted the surgery to remove my penis and be made to look female like by having a vulva instead, the surgery wasn't a top priority.

I was getting feminized sexually by my male animal partners daily and they were most always eager to mount and breed me whenever I offered my bottom to them.

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" I'd so much rather Not have a penis "