My First True Experince as a Fem-male

        ( I had been sucking other boy's cock's since at least 8, without orgasms)

Becoming a "Girly-boy friend"

(based on actual events), granted my writing skills need improving, honestly trying to take old memories and put them into words.) The year was 1975(age 13), I was approached by a fellow student…(a black male, which I did not know, never met, same age as myself)..out of the blue he came and whispered in my ear one morning ,as I was walking down the hall of my then, junior high school…he said to me “I can tell that you would like to suck my cock”…then he smiled ,as he preceded down the hall ahead of me, with a walk, a female might intentionally partake in to define her self, a role as ,”see what I got”. I was in horror!, trying to imagine, that what just happened, “to the point of stopping in my tracks, I turned and dashed to the first exit to the outside world, feeling tainted and inflected by a idea of ,or was the shock of being discovered?

All day, All night, the next day, all the time!….like be taken by a spell, I couldn’t escape.

I didn’t want to even go to school, in fear, that ,he might spot me again, omg! , what then. and what would I do!, what if my friends found out, so now it was really “Top Secret”.

I had to go to school!..

I walk in the door of my study room class, by now it’s been all morning , I haven’t seen “Him” again and believe me, that’s all, I’ve been able to do all morning, is keep a eye out for him, at least sense “First Contact”.

I set at a table next to a friend,at least wishing a friend!, setting my books in front of me, getting seated, I naturally scan the view of my surroundings, OMG!, its “Him”!, semi concealed next to a large column, setting two tables away,…and staring at me!, with the biggest brightest smile a human could possible have!

My mind is over-whelmed, I can’t think, can’t do, it’s like I am frozen to my seat, I open one of my books, but it doesn’t matter which one, cause I have lost all ability to even read, I know he is staring at, “Me”, his “prey !, I truly have become!”, 5 minutes pass or no maybe it really was only 30 seconds, I have no idea of time any longer, I am processed by “Him” in my mind!

I want to flee, but where?..home?,no he will follow me! I can’t ..besides,that means standing up,..that will bring more attention upon “Me”,,,then,,in a moment of pathetic bravery ,I conjure up some survival instinct, maybe, it must of been that, primitive need to flee, thus needing to map one’s escape route!, with one eye,,as though a pretend periscope, I take a peek!….OMG!..he has his lips puckered, and with quick flick of his hand, throws “Me” a kiss!,,I am defeated,,like a terrified squirrel,,with books in hand,I jump up and race out the door!


Relief,,yet what do I do in this “Freedom of the Hall”?..I panic..then head the direction called “Away”,…away is a good word I can grasp at the moment,..yet a new image just impressed into my mind,”Those two big lips,”!..I think of church,,then what happens to those whom have done bad!,,I ask,..”what have I done bad?”..all can think of is “maybe I am cursed”,,then think..OMG!..”I said “Dam” last week when I cut my thumb”..

I wandered around the halls,trying to look as though, I knew where I was heading, yet wasting time till my next class, which was gym, last class..a bit of hope!

Going down the stairs,to locker rooms, I did my best to get undressed, get gym shorts and shirt on,.I couldn’t talk to anyone,due to fact that ,most likely ,I would simply start mumbling something to the effect of,..”Him,Him,,two lips”,in a fashion that of which primitive man,..200,000 years ago may have conjured up when,, processed by some unknown deity.

I made it up to the old gym,directly above the lockeroom/showers,seen a person I knew,I wish I could call him friend,yet at this point,,I no longer knew if he knew of my new contact,my new found admirer,,that I called,…”Him”. I envisioned,the rumors spreading to all the people I knew!..oh my, another day, maybe two, or every single soul in this school will think “Him”,is my new Friend.

There is a track above,a track for running laps if one had the liki’n to, built maybe I think, when Carl Sandburg was young,didn’t really know,at this point, and any thought,,I could conjure up, that might bring hope,was fine by me.

I look up,,just to simply look!,I wasn’t searching for anything,had no real intent,wished no harm to anyone,..what do I see?..”Him”,…I’m beaten!,my face falls into the palms of my hands..I wish to weep even bawl, yet must be a man!. looking up, he has the biggest smile, I maintain contact,eye in a attempt to prove my bravery..he doesn’t flinch!,,anger builds up in me,,it must be like the fight instinct, a little bird has just before being eaten by a cat!,…not much good!

“Him” then smiles, gives me a little blow kiss, I try to tell myself that someone who doesn’t like me, has hired him to do this!, then ,he sends it floating down to me, with a flick of his wrist, I can no longer think, it’s as though I was on a acid trip, living in a world surreal,…..I turn away in defeat.

I guess I functioned up on the gym floor, though I have no real clear memory of what really happened 30 seconds ago. Yet , now found myself in the locker room below, with all my every effort to get dressed, and seated next to some one, whom looked like someone from my past, he talked to me like he was my friend!, then, as I looked up to this friend, as I struggled to tie my shoe, “Him” was there!..he stood behind the one I think was my friend, then as if in a flash and rubbing his towel onto his chest, all wet from the showers, he stood behind and to side of my friend. All I could do now was stare at what had my attention, a black cock,,the size of a bottle of pop!, hanging right there in my view!, “Michael”- Him said,….I couldn’t look up I was held by a trance, a complete denial set into my mind. Then I heard what I thought was. “It’s just for you! Michael ” and he was gone,,my friend ,the one sitting next to me, then said to me “Why he say it was just for you for?”…I had no reply for his request, I stood and fled.

I remember running home, least parts of the journey, yet now found myself undressing, the focus was” I must take a shower , that will wake me up from this dream!”



I remember the water felt so good, warm and good, the soap smelt good, yet I was processed!,,now in my mind was a “big black dick”!,,and looking down to my feet to see if they where there!,,as a feeling from down there,from somewhere new,,I see I am erect,,now something inside me is starting to come out,,like I was throwing-up ,yet from my own erect!,,I started to feel spasms inside me from it,,started jerking about,with my hips.Quick I turning the water off, at the same time a great contraction,then spasm hit me from down there,,then a huge glob of what looked like spit ,shot out of the tip of my cock,,buckling me over,,another shot out,moan-out like I was hurt,,yet not hurt,,it felt so good,,OMG!,,what as Him done to me now?..I touched this stuff that looked like snot,,cautious,,wondering what it was,then I touched my cock,,it was very touchy itself,.I stood there think how did he cause me do what he did just now..and it did feel so very good,,and it seemed I was awaking from the dream,,I just was in.

I ate my dinner when called to the table,mom I remember asked “how was your day?”..I could not explain,so just said “good”,,then ate all I could.

In my room,I stared at the walls,all violet they where,the color I picked,when asked awhile back,”what color you want for your room? Mom wanted to know.   I drifted off to sleep with visions of “Him’s” cock in my head,,,I dream’t,,not sure of what,,yet “Him

was in it,,when I awoke..I felt wet as though I “Wet the Bed!”,yet upon inquiring..that was it,,omg,,it happened again in my sleep!..I smelt the sheets..I had never known a smell like this before,,grabbing the sheets up,I headed for the laundry..

I made it to school,,the dream seemed at least distant,yet in the back of my head,visions of Him,sliping in and out of my view,along with what happened in the shower last night and what was that dream, that made me do it again?

Last class was gym,..I figured I would see”Him”,yet the class was broken up,and he went with another group.My group went out side,the others ran laps inside on the track. About 15 minutes we went in early as it began to rain, coach told us to just shower up, I could hear what I thought where the others running up on the track,,so I thought, so I hurry, get a shower, …before “Him” gets down here..I was actually the first one in,hurried,,finished rinsing off,wrapped towel around myself..I head toward my is “Him”,but 20 feet coming at me ,towel around his neck,not his waist,doing his girlie walk,his big black cock swaying about with each step,,he says”Hi Michael” my amazement,,in a meeking sissy voice I say “hi” I look downward submissive like as I step aside of him letting him pass,,at the same moment,.thank God for my towel,,for I was instantly erect!..I hurry to my locker,,sat down,,sat there waiting for my cock to un-harden,then,the more I waited,,it more it throbbed,the more I thought,,the more I thought of the view I just got of “Him”..then suddenly sitting right there..what happened in the shower was happening right here in public,sitting in front of my locker,I just lost control,,and began shaking,my rock hard cock and hip as though began jerking as though a mind of their own,then then I lurched forward from the spasm as the first shot of snot erupted into my towel ,which I had covering me,,with three intense jerks and spits from my cock,,thanks fully I was able to get my locker open..reaching in grabbing my jeans,I quick got my legs in,,pulled them up and on,the next thing I did was get my towel in my gym bag after getting my shirt and sock out,,I was dressed in less the 2 minutes,and headed for home alone.

On the walk home,all I could think of was what is happening to me,How did seeing him,…why does thinking of him,seeing him and his cock, give such a great feeling,the most pleasure I ever known?

I was able to get a little home work right away,did the few chords mom had asked me to do,I then went and started doing some doodling/drawing in my room..I was fine for a short while,,the thoughts of “Him”,,suddenly,almost instantly filled my mind,,thoughts like “what is he really like,..he was nice today,,he really has always been nice,,he is good looking..I wonder if he likes drawing?..then the thought of,”I wonder if his cock does what mine’s does!”,OMG!,,my cock was instantly stiff and tight inside my jeans,I hurried as though some one sick and ready to throw up,made a dash for the bathroom.Once inside the bath door shut and locked..I relaxed a bit,seated now on the edge of the tub, I pulled my jeans down along with underpants, and set there touching my very erect cock..and in awl ,,asking myself as I looked down at it..”why is it getting so hard like this,what is this stuff called that spits out the tip then some inter desire over came,I leaned over,,seeing it was leaking a clear liquid , licked the tip..Omg!,,this tastes beautiful!,,thinking to my self,” why have I never done this before?..leaning over further, I easily took the tip in to mouth,again thinking…why didn’t I do this before,I began with focused vigor sucking,,just sucking like I couldn’t get enough,pulling this part of myself deeper into myself,,sucking hard to get it in,at the same time forcing and pulling my mouth to it. Then the image of “Him’s large cock” filled my mind,and with a burst of energy,I pulled myself down my own throat,no more to go,with my lips pressed to my balls,,and imagining Him and what it would be like if my cock now was his cock,,I began to jerk with the spasms,forcing me to lean back a bit,as the first glob,burst into mouth,I held my cock firmly in my mouth,as with every spasm,came a powerful jerk along with another squirt of this new snot like stuff!,I bucked about through the strong six or seven forceful spasms and ejections of my juices,as the spasms subsided,I began swallowing what was already in my mouth,,then began sucking with a vigor,,all that I manage out of the tip,till I became to  Sensitive,and had to give up.

My mind was racing with excitement/disbelief/and wonder,of what I had just done,,as I lay alone on my bed,,day dreaming,wondering if I should be now ashamed,for I had just created a special secret,mine thinking maybe cursed in the eye’s of God!..but yet it felt on the other ,it felt natural,as well as a revealing of a truth I sensed.

For some reason, this morning wasn’t as difficult to muster of the will to go to school.I even found that for some reason I wasn’t nearly as worried about seeing “Him”,except for gym..I was worry about ,doing again what I did yesterday,..however to remedy that,..I decided I would just wait and go home and take a shower…the day went good over , all seen “Him” in gym class,did” my sissy hi “to him again when said ” hi Michael”..I heard some class mates whispering loudly,,something to the effect of “Michael likes him”,..then I dashed home,,the whole way home walking as fast as I could take a shower,and now do what I did yesterday which felt so good,,I got to my house,dropped off my books and stuff ,..then raced to the shower,undressed,,stepped in to the warm now fully erect to the point of hurting,,I didn’t dare touch it in fear of causing me to lose control.  I finished drying off,,I stepped out..all I could think about was,,sucking my cock,,I soon was sitting on the toilet seat,doing just that,,taking my time..forcing it down my throat,then out to suck it all in,,now though the whole time wishing it was “Him”. Seeing his cock in my mind, now was graving ,I wondered

Walking down the hall toward my second period class,I felt a tap on my right shoulder,it was “Him”..I said hi quickly,,then as he walked along beside me..he said” you know the woods down by the “dairy”..I reply “yes”…Him..just said” meet me there right after dark, 7pm,..if you want me”..then he hurried ahead of me,,Omg! was like having a “Hot potato burning my hand,and I can’t let go!.All the rest of the day,..again under his spell,..after lunch..I had to rush to a stall in the bathroom ,because I had been erect nearly the last two hours, “from imagining what meeting him would bring”..again I was mentally in that state of surreal!..

At home we ate dinner normal at 6pm..and being in 7th grade now,our curfew was at 9pm..and normally we were never asked what we where going to do,just the “Law was back by nine!,don’t make me come looking for you!(we had a step-father but he was like a stranger in the house,he did what he wanted, when he wanted us boys didn’t care,as long as he wasn’t around us!)..and tonight I really didn’t wish to see,,so I went out ,jumped on my bike,,and pedaled to “anywhere”..sense all that I could think of , “what happens at 7pm”. I rode around making my general direction,point north,the way of the “Dairy”, the dairy was a clock, and the dairy was similar to a modern day convenience store..getting to the store I grabbed some bubble gum,looked at the clock, it said 6:58..Omg!..I was no longer calm..I walked out,in a daze,,got on my bike.started to go,pulled out,a car I pulled in front of slammed the backs on to avoid running me over,..I pedaled fast and right for the I approach down a narrow dirt path,,I seen “Him” sitting up the hill a bit on a old stump.I waved the walk was only about 100 feet,,so soon was near him,,my heart was beating out of my soon as I was about 10 feet away.he hopped off the stump,,and said “follow me”,,I did, as if a trained puppy. Being familiar with this place and growing up playing here,,I was certain where he lead me,,,we said nothing, and there business in the air.

My guess was correct,he lead me to very small space in the woods,a place I always liked,..due the the fact you were well concealed,yet one could easily see anyone approaching,,suddenly I had a sense of being at ease with “Him”.Stopping he turned to me,as he unbuttoned,then unzipped his pants,I could only watch with wonder,He softly said” it will be good for you,,I know”,as he slid his pants down,,omg!,his cock was already erect and pointed toward the sky,I watched it move about,swaying side to side as he stepped out of the,all the while watching me. Some what folding his pants into a pad,he the placed upon,the old tree stump he was in front of,then sat down on them,”Come here now for me,I really at this point would of jumped of a t.v tower for him I believe! was though by some long lost natural instinct,I knew what to do,,and very much want to do it!.

Destiny for myself was being set at the moment my lips and tongue touched and tasted the tip of his cock,I didn’t know it then,yet I do now.”Lick it awhile, we going spend a lot of time together,you and I,so no hurry”,I liked a lot when he said that,..omg!,did his juices taste good,his smell,the feel of it, as I slowly took more and more into my mouth,all the while my tongue busy feeling,tasting..all I wanted was to devour it,swallow it all,and that was my goal.My world was perfect,here on my knee’s in front him,pleasing ,him wanting him like nothing I wanted before,as though I was trained for this,,I sucked it,then swallowed it ,I couldn’t believe it,down my throat and so big!..I my self was soaked from the juices flowing from my limb little cock…I wondered why I was erect,didn’t care,,I was having a contant climax in my mind,,the juices where pouring out of my cock much more then when,I climaxed when alone..he then said,,”I am going feed you my cum,,in just a few,when I tell you ,I want you, to let me take it out of your mouth,keep your mouth open though,”.With it my gripping him,,he was moaning now,and jerking about,he had one hand on my shoulder the other stroking his cock for me,”OK.ready.I opened mouth up..watching and waiting,then,,he was huffing,stroking.then as I watched the head of his big thick cock,heard him moan out”awwww,yyy”,and quick thrust,the head of touch my lower lip,as a huge wad of cum impacted the roof of my mouth,with another wad shot out as he squealed out,,then he moaned out,”take it just in your lips”..steader he was,,I did as he said,softly holding the “head”..”ok Michael..just let it pump in”.I savored it beyond imagine,as it pumped in steady,by little gushes his juices pumped out..,,I wasn’t climaxing by way of my cock,yet I was having intense spasms..once he had stopped having the little convolutions,,I began to swallow his cum,hoping all the while ,just maybe more would come..”Michael,,,oh you did so well”then pulled me into his lap.I took the head in my mouth and gently I laid my head on his thigh.

I think our second meeting was some what defining that I was not like a normal young male..I asked him “would you like to go in my bottom“,,He even cautioned me” if I do,you really are fem”



We met at same place,” once he was up inside me and climaxing”..I never climaxed at any time,yet the most “Psychologically” pleasure I have ever felt..I climaxed “physically”,just walking home from the “thought of what happened“our minds are powerful things!

It’s “Psychologically” been my secret role my whole life….that how society oppress’s the individual with their belief’s

Our next encounter was a Saturday ,there was a very large wooded area,I spent a lot of time exploring,skinny dipping in the large beaver ponds along it’s stream..I asked him if he’d like to see where it was, he was, so we decided to many a day of it,it was warm sunny etc. We packed lunch and hit the road on our bikes.

Opon getting there we,hid our bikes in the bush,and set off,..getting to the beaver..I reached in ,tested the water,,it was very warm,,,I turned to him and said “lets swim” we shedded clothes..I dove right in,,he reluctantly waded in til above his knees,,and splashed the water at me!..paddling over to him,,watching his cock swaying about..I was instantly wanting it in me, when I got to him..I took it in my mouth,in moments he was fully erect,,I stood ,turned,he mounted as he pushed into me, I pulled him into deeper water,,which we found,,help with “lube” aspect of getting it in me.Thrusting hard for maybe 5 minutes,he climaxed in me.We explored about the woods ,then would come back to pond,,he would Mount me in the water,climax,,thru the course of the day we repeated this 5 times,,then had to head home.

At school we talked that morning a bit in the hall,,I remember quite a few students slowing to stare at us,,which odd,yet the gay term popped in my mind,,I had to ask him what “Gay” meant? next break from classes upon seeing him in hall,I went up to him and whispered “what’s gay mean?”..he kind laughed quiet like as he said” men who like men sexually”..I replied “so”..(I didn’t in reality know it was bad).

The next day…the word I was gay was though out the school..omg!

Him and I met are usually place by the Dairy,,I told him I could hear students whispering as they walked past me in the hall today..he replied” that’s cause their White Daddy’s   telling them about blacks and gays bad” he got his cock up in me,bending me over the stump,,as he slowly went in and out of me..he asked “your folks don’t talk bad about blacks do they ?”..Trying to think as I squirmed about,and whined as he thrust…”no,no,”I moaned”…he was in me this day for longest ever maybe 15 minutes before climaxing up in me.Upon getting dressed,,we sat and talked,he told me to not pay attention to those others about being gay,he said then” your a lot me,just a lot more girl in your mind,you like violet,art etc.”..”yep” I do,,don’t know why,just do”..He said then “you really like me up in your bottom right…?./.yes/.he then asked “ok…I have a good friend,he seen us together Saturday, he asked me to ask you,,if he could go in your I asking” reply was quick”who is he?”…”you don’t know him ,he is 16,lives by me”.. I said ” not sure. is he nice like you?”…replying to me “yeah,,he very good,,he has really big cock too”..I replied “How big?”,,”he replied” really,really big,,he and I measured it one day with yard stick..ten and a half inches” reply was “your eight right?..guess that two and half more inches could go in me, you’ll be with me right??”..replying he said” don’t worry..we will lube him good with vasoline,it will slide right in and up in you,,he has had it in my bottom many times”..replying to him” you like it to?”..he replied “he is the best,,I will tell him you will tonight when I see him,,,see you at school tomorrow at school”..he jumped on his bike and rode off.

Meeting “Him’s” friend….It was Friday after gym class was over,escaping and out the exit,I headed home,once out the door,,I was happy to feel free from school, and looking forward to exploring the woods,..the weather was great for a september day,very warm and just great. Hearing a voice behind me,,I turn to see to see “Him” approching on his bike, soon he was next to me walking his bike ,and asking “Can we go to the beaver pond tommorrow?”….I was hoping all day,,”day dreaming in classes”, him might ask what he at that moment did.,,So feeling though he had read my mind,..I felt a bit embarrassed,shy,found out and needy all wrapped up in one, reply was like that of what a “13 year old boy whom had just got caught putting on girls clothes or playing with dolls”…wimpisly, I replied “Yes!”..he said then,..”my friend said he could meet us at the dairy tommorrow(sat),,right after lunch ,,and we could then ride out to the beaver pond”.(then he jump up on his bike and headed off). A vision instantly popped in my head of this young assitant coach whom often took showers with us,,,who had a huge cock,,whom a few days ago ,,Him..told me “michael ,my friends cock is bigger this his!”..Omg!,I thought,in seconds my penis was fully erect,,I began to walk fast..wanting to run,,then the convulsions( Orgasmic) starting to over take me,..up ahead was a large maple tree right next to the side walk,I run to it ,with both hands almost place to the bark,I lean into the big tree just as the convulsions start jerking my pelvis involuntarily jerking my whole body,(,what Him calls “Cum”),I feel it squrting out,inside the confines of my jeans,,3 very powerful convulsions,,-(as though having the dry heaves I must of appeared to a friend whom rides up to me),asking me .”You ok?”)-then they reduce enough,,that I can reply to my friend-…”I think I ate something bad,thought I was throwing up”.



Saturday morning I look great,,sunny,warm already,,my mind began to soon take me to the idea of” what will happen today,..then how can I get ready,,what do I do?.
The image of that big cock of the assitant coach,,only “black”..was in my head,,imagining it erect!..Omg! I was erect!,,I had to stay in my room now..omg!..I thought what can I do?..(at this point,believe or not I had never even truly just alone masturbated..I had only been sucking my self)..I laid back on bed.lifted my legs up and over me ,so they where pressed against the wall behind my head,,took my cock in my mouth,and swallowed it,sucked it hard,,in 15 seconds the cum began to pulse into my mouth as I jerked about with convulsions.

I rested a second,swallowed all the cum,,then…almost squeamishly went to bath room in the hall out side my bedroom,,got a drink..,then realizing how powerful this “climax thing is,by climaxing I can now “think” at least rationally!

I thought of what “Him” had said earlier about “need to get lubed up good for his friend”…so I began searching for a jar of vasoline,,soon discovering it in the medicine cabinet,…holding it as though it was “My best friend!”..I quickly got back to my room,..thought to my self,..”Ok, what am I going to wear?”…short and shirt of course!,,”Ok, what to take? knap sack for lunch/sacks/drinks!..of course!, so finding my knap sack,,I got my vasoline secured inside of it,in a sock,,sock under a towel,case before I leave my house and mom happens to look in it, at least it is not seen upon a quick look in!.

My turn to mow the yard,so I set off doing that,..which we had a big yard,and only a push lawn mower, which normally if I did it properly,mow and do trimming(there was no such thing as weed eaters then) took about two hours,that was if I didn’t get to talking to my neighbor the “Mechanic”..whom I liked to very much learn of working on cars.

Lawn done,..I went in drink and looked at clock, it saying 11:00, I headed for the shower,,first made sure I “poopied”..then jumped in shower,,got go and clean..”I want to look good for them,,I wanted them to want me”…I thought ,”what can I do ,how they may like me to appear?…what do girls do to look good?,,,flowers,pink,bows,,,I instantly thought of my “secret barbie dolls”..(they I had in toy closet )..I went and took a peek at them quickly,..thinking maybe they would give me a idea..” A neck-lace “..I had made one ..with a craft kit we had! I saved,and had in my headed there to find it!.

Finding it,..I thought to myself..”I made it for my step-sister..but she wouldn’t be visiting til next week end,,plus her and I often did crafts,played with the barbie’s ,girl things we did she would understand..she was the only one I would be able to talk to about..”me having “Him and now his friend as my boyfriends”…the idea of telling her..helped me feel better ,,just then.

It was 11:45 ,my brother was watching T.V still.(no one else was around)…I yelled at him..”I am going to the woods”..all my family knew what I, mean’t by I began running a Trap-line there when I was 10. He replied..K! he watched some show.

I grabbed my knap/sack,,put my neck-lace in it, thought, was I would stop shortly before arriving at the “Dairy and see them”..I would put my neck-lace on.

There was a long dirt path through a semi-wooded lot which lead to the dairy,a short cut and the normal way,and very near where “Him” and I had been meeting so he could “breed me”. it lead to the back side of the dairy.

I was near enough now to the back of the dairy,,so I stopped,,got my neck-lace out,,and put it around my neck.then preceded to ride on around to the front of the dairy,,at that moment two black guy turned the corner coming from the front,,,It was Him and his friend..they pulled up in front of me ,as we came to a stop..placing our feet on the ground.Him quickly introduced his friend and I ,,then said..”Lets go..his friend and I followed behind.

I was thinking to myself..”this new friend is very tall at least 6 foot,,yet trying to convince myself as I peddled behind them on the street that lead out of town, “he did talk like he might be 16,his face looked 16, he was 16..good enough,,I convinced my self!.

Getting to the beaver Pond,,…Him was the first to say “Lets get undresses as he instantly began unbuttoning his shorts,,his friend and I followed his lead..Standing there completely and nude,,I looked at this new friend,,my eyes where glued to the biggest erect penis I could imagine…and it was right there,..and like my father’s it was un-circumcised!. Him’s voice woke me from my trance…”Michael, like it?”..squeamishly…I said “yes”,,Him then said in a half way commanding voice(which I think I needed at that moment)..”he loves sucked on,,go try it”..Omg! knee’s where shaking as I stepped near soon as I neared him,,I dropped my knees to the ground,more in need of I was afraid they would buckle and I would fall!,…

My knees fell upon some sticks,so I got them cleared,then look up at this massive cock,un-circumcised,now a clear line of liquid hung from the tip,Him’s voice I heard then from the side,” Now get your lips around the tip”..I did..”Now slowly take your fingers and side the skin back, his looks like ours..that skin just covers the head of get a nice surprise”…I took my fingers and did as Him said,,holding the tip in my mouth I slid the skin back.Omg!…a huge amount of that clear liquid(pre-cum I know now it is called),..flowed in to my mouth! like some innate instict,I began suckling,,like a baby on a breast,,swallowing all I could get..even Him said “easy Michael..before you make him cum,let’s get your bottom ready for it,,,”Him” came around behind me,helping me get on my knees so my bottom was up and in Mounting position..”Him” had gotten vasoline out,which he brought himself,,he began lubing my bottom,as I sucklied on “Friends”,,then Him said” I am going to squirt some lube up in your bottom,so don’t be alarmed”…I felt something like a finger sized thing enter me,,then the liQuid..”Ok try to hold that in you til “Friend” gets his cock started in you a bit”..Him said

Moving over to the old fallen tree….”Him”,..then said to me “Lets get you spread eagle over on that fallen old smooth tree,I picked it out..last time just for this moment”. Helping me up as I allow “friend’s cock free from my mouth,,I allowed myself to be guided to the tree,..Him layed a towel that he brought,,on the tree,, then told me to lay face down,so my cock was on the towel, my leg on the side of the tree..I did as directed,,Him asked me “you have ridi’n horse before,this kinda like bare-back riding!,,I will set in front of you,so you can have my cock if you want…but wait a bit while “friend” get you loosen up,..he and I have talked,,and he knows you have never taken 10.5 inches,,and he is going to go slow,,and give you a very long mount,,a half hour maybe”..just then I felt “Friend’s”..left hand grip my left hip firmly,then the pressure of his cock head against my bottom opening,..then more pressure, then ..a plop as the mushroom head of his cock sunk totally in,,I involuntarily jerked hard and wimpered out..”..I now had my head laying in Him’s lap,”Him”began talking as he gently ran his fingers thru my hair”Michael,,relax,.he is going slide it up to about 8″,,then you feel some pressure,,there is ,it kinda curved just his cock going round that curve is there will be another “plop”,kinda like when his head entered you,,so relax,,let yourself be taken,,it well be fine”.

“Friend”was sliding up in me slow..being un-circumcised felt different yet not sure how..but very,very good!sinking up in me..then I could feel the pressure,I tensed a bit,and moaned out,,then “Him” said “ok Michael ,,now let it in,,I’ll hold on to you”..then I could feel “Friend” pushing harder into me…then, was more like a intense internal,and lots of pressure..then like a stomach cramp,,I began wimpering and squirming ..grasping.”Him”‘s legs tight,,” more inch and he is in”..I just started crying out,with moans,wimpers,,non stop now.”Michael,his is in ,,now he is going keep there for a while,and just barely move it in and out,you wiggle on it,,soon it will be driving you wild..”..I couldn’t be quiet,except for the moments I would get Him’s cock in my mouth,then let let it drop out as “friend” pushed a bit,.then bawl out again,,,then friend,,slowly started to with draw it..omg..I gobbled up Him’s cock quickly..swallow all 8 I wished his cock to gag me,and shut me up,nearly out of me,.. “Friend” stopped his withdraw from me,..then with ,Like a slow swing of a batter hitting a ball,,Friend sunk all of himself back up in me..scream out and clinging.. to Him even tugging,,as I wrapped my arm around Him’s waist now,holding on,,again,did same.again..then again..til he was moving fully,out ..I was shaking terribly now,I couldn’t have got up on my feet if I tried..”Friend ” began to moan out,then he start convulsing,,just a few short thrusts,,then he stopped,moaning out loudly.he started jerking about..I felt the warmth his cum as it drained into my bottom,,then “him” said “Michael get my cock in your mouth,,I am ready to cum to,,I got Him’s cock head just inside my mouth,when the first pulse of cum,spat out and onto my tongue,Him jerked about,squirting another,,til as least 5 loads collected in my mouth,,wrapping my lips firmly around the head I carefully suckled out the last amount,,all the while,driving Him crazy,,making him squirm..til ,he finally..had to pull away..then saying “ driving me crazy..”…I giggled a bit,,still swallowing cum..I said”I had to get a little revenge after what happened to me!”..we all laughed.


This was routine for a few months,sneaking and sucking him at school daily if could, til rumors over-whelmed me, class mates asking me if I was gay, the assuming, judging I couldn't take- so ended it.


I stopped taking showers at school, after it was discovered that I'd had been performing fellatio on my two friends, and allowing them to "bone" me.

As many other youths would secretly ask I would suck their cocks, and though many of them I wanted to, and would of , but now I also wanted " boned " even more.


                                                I very much wanted to be a girly-boyfriend, for many,


                     Thus if the " Bedache Tradition " was part of our culture, I would of taken the "dress" and sexual role of female. - 1975

      I came across this article published at

Rethinking Sexual Initiation: Pathways to Identity Formation among Gay and Bisexual Mexican Male Youth

 excerpts from above ;    Mayates are supposedly straight [in English in the original] guys…who like to have sex with homosexuals. They don’t really like to suck [perform oral sex]…they like only to get sucked. And when you finish sucking them off, they bend you over [in English in the original] and they want to stick it in.

  -  Mayates are supposedly straight [in English in the original] guys…who like to have sex with homosexuals. They don’t really like to suck [perform oral sex]…they like only to get sucked. And when you finish sucking them off, they bend you over [in English in the original] and they want to stick it in. Emilio’s use of the phrase “they bend you over” was significant; it represented a perception that heterosexually-identified Mexican men who seek to have sex with youth or men whom they perceive as effeminate establish strict rules of sexual interaction. Such strict rules seemed to be used to convey that these men were merely seeking sexual pleasure and that the sexual encounter involved no romantic feelings or sexual attraction toward their partners. Emilio, who had his first sexual experience at age 12 with a young mayate from a nearby town, explained: My first [sexual encounter] was when I gave a blow job [in English in the original] to a guy from outside my town. [He came] to the town’s fiestas, which take place on April 25. I clearly remember. We left the party and it was my first experience. He took me to his pickup truck and he made me suck him off. I sucked him off and the guy came, that was all.…[He was a] very attractive guy. He was around 18 years old.

 - Emilio reported that this sexual partner told him that he was very attracted to him, and also wanted to kiss him all the time, which to some degree contradicted Emilio’s own sense of what mayates were willing to do sexually. Indeed, other participants in our study also reported that their heterosexually-identified, masculine partners sometimes asked to be anally penetrated. For instance, Ezequiel, a 33-year-old (born 1970) who, like Emilio, was from a small town in the same region, talked about having mayate sexual partners who in the moment of sex would ask to give him oral sex or the beso negro (“the black kiss,” a reference to analingus, commonly referred to as “rimming”), and also asked to be anally penetrated, which greatly surprised him. Also surprising to him was the discovery that having these masculine partners perform what he saw as his own role greatly aroused him.

 Nonetheless, a sense of the strict lines that defined male and female roles within these sexual encounters had considerable staying power. Another participant, Gerardo, a 32-year-old man born in 1971 in Aguascalientes, explained in great detail some of the definitional boundaries of mayate practices and meanings: They don’t touch you. As I say, for them it is “stand there and here it goes.” Or they say “give me oral sex.” That’s it. But they don’t touch you, you can’t kiss them, you only touch their penis. That is Mexican men’s mentality. That’s why there is a phrase that may sound funny to you: “In times of war any hole is a trench” (En tiempos de guerra cualquier hoyo es trinchera). Do you get it? There is another: “Hoyo aunque sea de pollo” (Any hole is good, even if it’s a chicken’s). Those are Mexican phrases. These men are married, have families and all. But they have this mentality. I don’t know; they don’t care. If they want sex, they just tell you, “You like it, right?” It’s that easy.

- Ezequiel, whom we mentioned before, distinguished between hombres (men) and jotos and referred to mayates as “men who like jotos.” In his case, his male-male sexual initiation took place at age 7 with a 13-year-old boy in the context of childhood games (the boy asked him if he wanted to play “making love”). As a teenager, however, he began to interact sexually with other boys his age whom he called “mayatillos,” with the diminutive term indicating that they were masculine boys. By then, he had developed a reputation as joto and had embraced an effeminate style. Yet, he also played soccer and other sports. His interest in soccer puzzled the other boys, who would tell him “How can you be joto and like soccer?” Playing soccer not only helped him maintain a reputation as a regular boy--as “one of the guys”--but also facilitated sex with other teenage boys.

   Ezequiel said: My favorite thing was to go to the beach to play soccer with my friends. The last one who stayed…with that one [I had sex]. That was the plan that we all had. We would go to the beach. We would be around 15. We would finish the game and everyone would say “Let’s go.” And I would say “Not me, I will stay for a while.” And I would swim along the shore, about half a kilometer, and I would come back

 to see who was the last one to stay. When I came back, one would still be there, waiting, and with him I stayed [and had sex]. That was the business.  

  - Finally, the sexual initiation of three participants in our study who, in addition to selfidentifying as gay or homosexual, also referred to themselves as transgender or transsexual, also conformed to these gender-role sexualities. In contrast to others in this heavily gendered pattern of sexual initiation, these three participants reported feeling very feminine or not masculine since early in their lives. Moreover, they also expressed an exclusive sexual and emotional attraction to heterosexually-identified men. Their experiences are illustrated by that of Ulises, a 43-year-old born in 1959 in a small town in the state of Veracruz. Ulises described her first sexual relation as “something quite romantic.” (Ulises simultaneously referred to herself with feminine pronouns and with her original male name; for that reason, we have given her a male pseudonym.) She added: I wanted to have a boyfriend…I had sexual relations with him when I was in the first year of high school. I was late. I am surprised many people say [they were sexually initiated] at age 8 or 10. But I was a virgin until age 17.…He went to a party, we liked each other….When I went to parties I dressed as a woman.  ...........Later in the interview, Ulises clarified: I am transgender but, you know, I like hombres derechos (straight men), as one says in Mexico. Here they say straight [in English in the original]. I only have sex with straight men. I was never attracted to homosexual types, to declared homosexuals.…I like masculinity. The man I am with now is straight. Well he is bisexual as a result of being with me, but I don’t consider him [bisexual]. He doesn’t like men, he only likes women.

I am fairly certain that my friend " Him " would of been setting me up with many others and older males guys that had cars that drove , as he had said to me several times that he knew some guys whom owned cars that would love to have me as girly-boyfriend, he ask if I was interested, my reply was always yes, and as long as he was there to watch as they boned me, kept their penis lubed.I truly wanted to be with all the guys I could be with, I wanted older guys as well.

Yet I simply could not handle the social stigma of being labeled gay,queer etc. at that time. 1975.

Yet , if I had lived in a Society that had the " berdache way " , I am certain I would of taken the berdache role, in the following capacity ;

♥  " Berdaches frequently are available for sex with both unmarried adolescent boys and married men who occasionally seek out same sex partners. Because of this, female prostitution is not needed. Traditional berdaches were also available as sexual partners during hunts and in war parties (102). This was yet another reason why they were welcomed on these excursions. "

I have read, this was a method to shield the young post-puberty females from unwanted pregnancy as well. The post-puberty male could go to the berdache for sexual relief, most likely experince as well in manners,etc.

I think at least since about age 7 though, that I felt like I should be like a girl. It's hard to put in words,yet after gaining a step-sister (8yrs old) at that time,then very much becoming a good friend to her, seeing her nude,knowing I should have a vulva, be like a girl , not a boy.Just a very impacting realization type awareness, as though I got born wrong.

                                   Thus a life-time of "Cognitive Dissonance"

    At this time a same age friend was allowing  me to suck his penis, yet at age 7, it was more a curiosity thing, yet I very much liked the feeling of having a penis in mouth. I had the " urge "

    Yet at 13, and puberty, having another penis boys in my mouth, made me feel so feminine, and this when I realised the need to feel feminine was a important reason I wanted suck boys cocks, I loved them calling me their girly-boyfriend, telling me I should be a girl.

  I very much liked the very defined " Role " I had with my two boyfriends, I knew what they wanted me for, at same time loved that they wanted me to pleasure them, as I loved getting their cocks inside my body.

I have no doubt that if I had grown up in a society that had a " berdache " type role for feminine / sexually invert males, that is the role I would of taken.

   And if the " GRS" surgery was available , perfected etc. I would of changed myself so I could have female like genitals, and breasts

The beauty of the " berdache " role, is it  Distinguishes a person as transgender, for example in regards to posing for life-drawing classes, I would be modeling not as a " male model ", but as a " Fem-male" transsexual female-roled male.

  As the photo below portrays me, I want to be seen                                                         as a; 

                             " female-roled male "

                      not as a normal male, not as a female

             It's important for me to feel good about being a ;

                             "Female-Roled male "

How wonderful it would be to live in a evolved society , where a person that is berdache/female-roled male to go out in public like I am in photo above, and it be not a issue, just be normal, which it is in reality, has been since humanity began most likely.

Believe me, I've always desired to look as photo above, yet also still not desiring be female, desiring to be a male with a vagina and breasts, and sexually female roled.

    " Female-Roled male " is best term I can find to identify with.

I just know that most all the men that I've ever had sex with, I 've asked them to treat me like a girl, help make me feel like I am a girl sexually.

Trying to overcome my " Sexual Inversion"

I very much tried putting my " desire to be men's " girly-boyfriend ", trying to be with female in man's role, all the while desiring to be like the very females I was having sex with. I myself wishing a man was penetrating me, like I was penetrating the ladies I was trying to be a " boyfriend " for.

  Any time I seen a male I found attractive, I'd wish he could read my mind, approach me, and just simply ask me if I like to suck his cock , which actually is how it happened in my " First Experince ".

  So I battled to suppress my sexual inversion, until 1998 , until again a male approached me, obviously he felt I was effeminate, and nicely asked me if I'd like to suck his cock. I found him attractive, we were alone in a private space, like a instinct,

in a very fem voice I replied " yes", as I went to my knees, got his pants unzipped, omg!

the the moment of seeing his cock head, the excitement for me, to finally after all these years be back in my female-role is hard to explain. I don't think a person in all of history could of taken a penis in their mouth more eagerly then I did at that moment, more love the feeling of having a man's penis in my mouth, then more eagerly swallow all his semen as he ejaculated. So luckly he was very sexual person, so was having me give him blow jobs or was boning me most weeks at least 3 or 4 times, he soon introduced me to friends by way of " double teaming me ". Soon I was making every effort to either get boned or suck every day.

             Trying to be with females sexually ;

                       was like what I guess to be bi-sexual, or like I was a lesbian.


                            As I see myself as psycho-sexually 100% female like,

                       for example I have never fantasized about sexually being with a                                   female, like a normal male does, all my life I've only desired to be                               with men, and only in the female role.

                             Another example is; I might be with female friend, maybe the                               most beautiful female in the world, I would never think " I want to                               have sex with her ", yet if she wanted me to, I might from a " wanting                           to please her " stand-point.

                              And at least since 1998, if this occurred I informed her that I was                           a sexual-invert / transsexual and my true sexual indentity or role was                         to be in female like role for men.

In away the ending of my sexual relationship with my two boyfriends was likely best, yet not because I was a berdache for them but because I really self-isolated, because I could self suck my own cock, it was just easier then attempting to find a boyfriend. And it's how I masturbated primarly until my height prevented taking my whole penis in my mouth, until about 30 years old , then I could only get the head of it in my mouth, yet I still always ejaculated and swallowed the semen into my mouth. So this is the way I learned on myself with lots of practice. Yet I very much longed for a real man's.

                         The only way I could do it was as the

                              Individual below is doing.

                            could be me,below doing it, 

                              just as easily,effectively,

                                   few minutes done!

I think the gif below shows me trying for the last time to autofellate (about 2006)

No matter how much I tried to not dream of being a Man's girly-boyfriend, the want was always on my mind. For example I might see a guy I found attractive,and soon I be lusting for him, in a way like; " I wish he could read my mind, then maybe he might come whisper in my ear seductively , something like; Michael would you like to suck my cock some time ". All the time I wished this to happen, until 1998, when it finally really did. And the moment I had this man's cock in my mouth, I 100% knew I was mean't to be a female-roled male.

So for the next 7 years that would follow,

    I was basically a "Fem-male in Heat "

  Altruism the forgotten link to societal success

                                 Altruism in the Female roled male



                                  And Altruism in the Non-homosexual males whom gives them sexual Attention


Group selection. It has controversially been argued by some evolutionary scientists such as David Sloan Wilson that natural selection can act at the level of non-kin groups to produce adaptations that benefit a non-kin group even if these adaptions are detrimental at the individual level. Thus, while altruistic persons may under some circumstances be outcompeted by less altruistic persons at the individual level, according to group selection theory the opposite may occur at the group level where groups consisting of the more altruistic persons may outcompete groups consisting of the less altruistic persons. Such altruism may only extend to ingroup members while there may instead prejudice and antagonism against outgroup members (See also in-group favoritism). Group selection theory has been criticized by many other evolutionary scientists.

       Thus for myself the Berdache role or female-role                                    Eunuch ideally fits me.

              Yet if one can call it Altruism, for myself it was "Selective ", as the male must of had to of                                                             been " Fit ",or I would not be sexually receptive! 

                         By "Fit " , I mean being kind,respectful,clean, Not disgusting !,animalistic etc.

                                                      Thus a Selection process did take place

One must remember as a berdache or eunuch,

      I would of been spending my  time with the females helping them , doing work for them, and now in modern times with surgical for GRS/ vaginoplasty, like the eunuchs whom were   castrated in order to be in that role (Castrated men — eunuchs – were often admitted to special social classes and were used particularly to staff bureaucracies and palace households: in particular, the harem.

And why I've always wanted to be similar to a female, take the sexual role of a female, thus be emasculated, which serves two purposes if publicly known in the " Tribe " community etc. First I would be unable to have sex with a female as a man, and I could be seen by both males and females as neither male or female, thus not competing with either for sex. I as well would have to prove my being " Fit " as well though.

 The role of the berdache in assisting the females of a group in mate selection

Obvisiously the berdache would of been spending nearly all their time with the Females, this is well recorded, it is also well recorded the berdache was a passive (sexually female roled partner for the males), thus would have known many of the males through sexual encounters, thus learning of each males qualities,traits,mannerism etc.

  Gossip is a well known human trait, thus by nature, the females would have been asking the berdache, at least in private about the certain males they were maybe interested in, like "whats it like to have sex with so and so ?"

  In a "Tribe" setting I would of been having sex with many males my age, starting at age 13, then by 16, as no females were available  due it being not allowed !.

  I clearly seen this happen, as soon as it was publicly known, that I was performing fellatio on males, and allowing them to fuck me,many males my age were coming up to me asking if I would perform fellatio on them.

     I likely would have continued to have sex with males my age possible even younger males whom were " fit ", but most likely my interested would of been in older males, and by 18, at least due to laws in modern times, I would then welcome all males 18- to any age to 

be with me,,"As long as Fit "

        Ideally in a modern " Tribe " community, with our evolved STD awareness, if all individuals were tested for STDs, and I myself very often tested , as I would be the most vulnerable, yet 

  For example, from my experience as a Cuckold, I very much was playing a form of match-maker for my then wife, then later girlfriends, and in all cases I wanted them to select a very good partner, a partner for long term success.

   Writing " Terrace " , which I believe is the nearly perfect way a " triad group-MF-femmale" (Jodi,William and I), could form.

Ideally William and I have been good friends long before I meet Jodi, I have been a fem-male sexually for William, who altruistically

lets me fellate him, and penetrates me anally out of pure friendship,knowing I am a female roled male, and needs sex like anyone.

  Thus when I meet Jodi , begin posing for her for art, her develop a platonic love, she is single, William is single, thus I very much am driven to try to get them to fall in love, get married, and be a permanent part of the relationship, to help the group as a Whole and 3 is a group, Jodi does soon get pregnant by William, and has a baby girl, the group now it is 4.

excerpt from ; "Gay Men and Straight Women" , 


    And while gay men and straight women may not be romantically made for each other, they share a common romantic interest:  men.  Whether it’s recounting the foibles of dating or sharing erotic advice, there’s a common interest.

For straight women, gay men offer male friendship that’s free from game playing.  Women can relax and be themselves with gay men in a way that’s usually not possible with hetero men.  That’s especially true for women who may have strong, confident personalities, or who may not fit the conventional paradigm of female beauty.  Characteristics that intimidate some straight men may be highly appealing for gay men."

Pederasty in ancient Greece

I've never been able to relate to this ;                      "as I can only be in female role "

  ( The erastes/eromenos relationship eventually reached an end when the boy exhibited familiar signs of manhood (e.g. facial hair and other signs of puberty).


Looking back now, even though not socially normal or not the normal role for male to take, having my male friends sexually treat me like a female, though tramatic in regards to a major role forming life event. Once they presented me with the opportunity to submit to them,perform for them, believe me I was as eager to be like a girl for them as they were to practice be males on me. I know no I was emasculated to the degree that it was point-less to really try to be a normal male, I loved far to much having them make me feel like a female.

Trauma of finding out/knowing your;                 homosexual,transsexual etc.

So many years supressing my true sexual role / identity

I truely tried not to want to be a man's "girly-boyfriend" for years ,until the craving to be in the "Female Role" again for a man finally won out, and so in 1998 I started letting men using me sexually as a " Female-roled male "

  Yet after my 1st experince, I believe now I was fully emasculated psychologically,as I could never get the "thought" out of my head that I needed to be a Man's " girly-boyfriend " .

  " And I insanely love cock "

     as much as I love having a cock in my mouth,   

    ultimately my desire / goal,is having his cock up inside me ejaculating 

"Milking a friends big black cock for him" 

A big Issue , after so many years of suppressing my need to be a Fem-male for a Man, as well as knowing the only way a Str8 male could likely be with me on a daily basis was to be in a relationship like I describe in " Terrace".

  I thus was in search of a Man who had a wife, a wife whom was willing to try that type of relationship. So I became very promiscuous, having sex with as many men as possible , in hopes I might find a married Man who would take me as their full time,live-in "berdache", female-roled sex partner for him ; catamite (sexual companion,use me for non-romantic casual sex)

                                  And loyal friend for her, Au pair / helper for everyboy etc.

   I knew though I wanted to belong to one Man whom would let me suck his cock as often as possible,and even more, fuck me as often as possible as such in video below, a boyfriend stopped by my house, I got on my knees for him,he thrust in me a couple minutes,ejaculated, I washed his cock up good, and off he went back to work, and although I didn't climax, that was not important, what is important to me is I got a his cock up in me, made him feel good, thus I felt good.

I have dreamed alot of being able to breast feed, say as if in "Terrace" type relationship to help him and her out (wet nurse)and even have wished a man could get me pregnant.

    Though silly ,I have told quite a few men that I have fantasized / wished they could get me pregnant

Enslaved black woman wet-nursing White infant

Wendy Ashley Presents: "Trans-Attraction"

The Gender Code is divided into 7 parts:

Introduction: 00:00 (General introduction on the film and my experiences)

"Our Present" 7:33 (How we view gender and sexuality today)

"Our Past" " 13:40 ( 20th century queer history up-to today)

"Gender and Sexuality" 32:23 (An introduction to the diversity of gender and sexuality)

"Change" : 56:04 (Answers and the science behind the reasons for misunderstanding)

"The Spectrum" : 1:16:57 (An in depth conclusion and breakdown with interviews with the cast)


"The Future" : 1:45:07 (A look at the powerful possibilities of the future)