" My need to feel Female like"

I have simply always wanted to be a female, since earliest memories


" Being a Female-roled and 100% sexually receptive person "


        My first true love and sexual partner

           being a Male Donkey made things complicated at best

With the onset of puberty (age 13), then masturbation,first ejaculation and in my case I'd already been sucking a neighbor friends penis since about 7 years old routinely, and I was able to auto-fellatio (suck my own penis),this was my method of masturbation til I was about 18 then I grew to tall to get my penis fully in my mouth without alot of effort.

At about age 10 I had befriended a male donkey I named Edward at a nearby boarding stable, he really belonged to no-one, was simply left there by owners that couldn't care for him...thus I spent alot of time with him.

  Then at age 13, the weather warm, school would soon be out for summer break I went down to stables to see him, he came walking to me ,his penis dropped out fully swaying about as he walked,I seen like this many times before, yet this time I was extremely sexually excited, soon it retracted we played frisbee for awhile,the headed back home on my bike.

  I my ride back home all I could think about was " would Edward allow me to suck his penis ? "
  The next day, I wanted to suck Edward's penis so badly, so I took my canteen filled with warm water and a soft sponge, and headed to the stables to see Edward, once their we played frisbee a short time, then while taking a break, I start petting him, then rubbed his belly then, worked way toward his penis, soon his penis dropped out, I was ready with canteen and sponge,he was receptive to letting me wash his penis, and soon was erect, l simply took his penis into my mouth a started licking and sucking as I stroked his long shaft with other, he soon was jerking about, and before I knew it his penis head flared a huge squirt of semen shot into my mouth,forcing me to take it out of mouth,as squirt after squirt went on my face,in my hair and down front of me.

   I headed home,got my clothes in washer,took shower, did some chores, then after lunch went back to stables to see Edward again, he was excited to see me and after rubbing his belly again, he soon dropped his penis out, I washed it, and went down on him, sucking,licking and stroking and as before, his penis flared as he began ejaculating into my mouth, this time being aware of the large amount of semen he had, I able to keep his penis in my mouth and swallow all of it.
   I remained with him til 10 pm, by that time I'd sucked him and taken his semen in my mouth to swallow 5 more times.

Until school was out,which was a few weeks, I down and see Edward in morning before school,after delivering papers ,I had a early morning paper route so had to get up at 4m to deliver.
   If Edward was receptive to it, I suck him and swallow his semen.

Then go down after supper and suck him usually first , play frisbee,go for walk etc. usually after a hour he would be receptive to allowing me to suck him again...this was our routine til school got out.

Once school break arrived I could spend alot more time with Edward, thus I take him on long walks, just hang out ,play frisbee, and suck him as often as he wanted.
  Some days I might suck him 5 times, on a most active,long day with him I might suck him 10-12 times or nearly every half hour.


At end of every week through summer break , Edward would have usually ejaculated in my mouth 40 to 60 times.

Summer break went fast, too fast, yet the new school year mean't a new school, with that was gym classes where we had open showers, thus I soon would get to see a black student's big cock in the showers, he soon would notice me staring at it, and he soon would seduce me into sucking it.

               After a week or so of giving my new boyfriend a blow-job every day, he introduced me to a older black male whom I started sucking as well. Soon they started talking about wanting me to start taking their cocks up inside my bottom, which very much excited me, yet I'd never had anything up my bottom, yet wanted to try.

    Thus the explained to me how to get my bottom clean, gave me a enema bag and a dildo on a saturday morning , I went home prepped  my bottom as they instructed me to do, at lunch time we all three met at the secret spot in the woods where I gave them blow-jobs, They had had me bend over a log, spread me open,lubed me up good with vasoline ,then the friend my age got his cock head in my bottom, and with one thrust he pushed all 8 inches up in me, then pulled out, then then older friend did same yet humped me with 3 or 4 thrusts, they took turns doing that for a good half hour, then the friend my age got in front of me and had me start sucking as the other mounted me and humped me til ejaculating, then other did in my mouth,,this became a routine weekend and evening event.

         The greatest aspect of it all was that I realized how much I loved being mounted and the feel of a penis inside and how ...feminine .....I felt.

I loved how my two boyfriends told me " how I should of been born a girl".

I think that meeting my two boyfriends whom took me as their " Femboy ", and showed me how to take a man's penis up inside my bottom properly was a really good thing to happen, as I now knew I could and loved taking a penis up inside my bottom


                                                and ;

I'd been thinking about and wanting to feel Edward inside my bottom ejaculating, dreaming of him making me pregnant in some magical way 


     " I was very much ready for Edward to start impregnating me " 

I was extremely nervous about Edward mounting me and getting his long penis up inside me

  I never seen him breed another donkey or horse, so didn't know what he was like doing it or would he even be interested in breeding me ?

     I made a fake donkey tail up to wear,  Edward had never seen me without pants on, or nude in anyway, he didn't know what I looked like nude, thus I was concerned about shocking him in away so to not be interested .

I so much wanted to be with the of the day and it to as private as possible so I got he lead and halter and we headed for the woods and creek.

  Once I nude , got out in front of him , then bent over wiggled my bottom

      To my relief, all went well, he jump up so his chest/belly were on my back, with both of our's efforts we got his cock head started in me, and with a firm push he got all the way up in me, and started thrusting in and out of me ,soon I  feeling  completely a part of him , then his penis flared it was as though a balloon just inflated inside of me and was locked to him, I myself started ejaculating still limp, then it backed off  me, pulling me with him as his penis was stuck, then it popped lose, and down out my bottom, along with it lots of semen which drained out and down my legs, I turned to see his penis still leaking semen, I quickly went down on my knees, and took his flare in my mouth and began sucking til it shrank back into him.

 I felt so feminine, so sexy for him , he just made his I" wife "...I knew I want to just be with him the rest of my life.

  We headed down to creek and beaver pond, I went for swim as he watched, nibbled, drank, I got out of water and walk to him hugged him , I had taken the tail off, and to see how he might respond I bent over in front of him to " offer " myself to him, to my amazement, as it had only been about half a hour ago he bred me, he dropped his penis and can to me , I went and got my bag and canteen then washed his penis and quickly injected my bottom full of veg. oil, then hung onto two trees spaced a few feet apart , bent over and wiggled my bottom, in seconds he hopped up on me, I reached back , got his penis popped in me, same as first time all 20" of his penis in, I just hung on to trees as his oh so wonderful maleness thrust in and out, then the intense pressure came as he flared, this time I didn't ejaculate,

    I started to urinating uncontrollably, yet got turned around,down on my knees, and went to sucking his flare.

    I hugged him and waded into the beaver pond , then swam around a bit ,splashed him a bit, after about 15 minutes, I got out of water , I brought a bunch of carrots so fed him a few, then bent over to offer myself again, he was ready, so washed him, lubed my bottom, he breed me again.

  A jenny is a female donkey, and I felt so much like his jenny , so female !

I had told my mom that I was going to spend the night with Edward, so he and I could be together all day and night, which I already had been doing often through summer break, the newpaper I delivered had gone out of business soon after summer break began, so no need to do that, so he and I had alot of time together.

  Today though, knowing now that he was able to breed me, I wanted him to breed me as often as he wanted, I'd brought lots of carrots,lunch and supper for me and 2 bottles of veg. oil, my big dildo to clean/douche my bottom, as long as I didn't get sore, I wanted to please him constantly.

   I would wait about half a hour after he had breed me, then use my dildo to check and clean my bottom, then offer him my bottom, if he was ready I'd inject oil up in my bottom , find a couple of trees to hang on to........

    Then get bent over and balance for him to hop up

 on me, he and I learned quick and after him breeding 

 me 3 times and it was on 11am, how long could he 

do this and how long before I would be sore ?

    By noon he bred me twice more, we then stopped for

a bit ate some lunch, I took some time to clean my bottom

and get it lubed up good, washed his penis really good

 then I sucked him til he ejaculated, he gave me a big

load of semen, maybe a little less the usual, yet hard to 


   From 1 pm til 10 pm he breed me 6 more times and ejaculated 

in my mouth twice.

   I had to sleep, woke up as usually him standing yet asleep next to me, so I shuffled close and started rubbing his tummy ,waking him,  he walk about a bit got his peeing done, while I was laying on my back head rested on back pack,I waved him to come me, and like many times before when awaking with him next to me this summer, he walked to me his penis dropping out as he came, then he stepped over me so his penis was rubbing my face, I took his penis in my mouth sucked the little bit of fresh urine, set up and licked his big balls til he was erect, then started stroking and sucking til he ejaculated.

  I got up then, I didn't to many steps before I had to pee, as I did felt full, soon air came rushing out of my bottom along with what seen a cup full of semen and oil , within moments Edward was sniffing  all which just left my body , then his penis dropped out came up fully erect, though I hadn't had time to douche and lubed myself , I just quickly turned fell to my knees with my bottom facing him, in a second he'd straddled me as he began trying to get his penis in me, reaching back with my hand I helped him get started into me, with his first thrust in, much more air blasted out of my bottom, then sounded like a tuba horn with each following thrust then he flared locking his penis tight,and soon was calm as he pumped his semen up in me, stepping back off me, I remained on my knees a moment, recovering then as stood the semen came running out of me and down my legs.

I was so in Heat now , I grabbed Edward with his lead , and we walked to beaver pond, I douched my bottom, got lubed ,it was already very warm out, so I went for swim around pond, I wanted bred on my knees again, it was like being on all fours like a real jenny, and so much wished if only he could make me pregnate, I climbed out of water grabbed my canteen and sponge and went over and cleaned his already semi erect penis which got him stiff, grabbed my oil,injected my bottom full then got on my hands and knees in front, before both my hands touched the ground he'd straddled over me,his chin was on my shoulder at same moment I felt his penis penetrating my bottom ,the next moment I was pushed foward by his push into me and where it gets held before it suddenly pops into my sigmond colon, then suddenly goes 10 inches further up into my colon ,thus his full length in me. 

  The intense pressure of his flare came right after only a few hard thrusts pushing me forward, and he went still as fast as he started, so I knew he was ejaculating.

As usual, I got turned around and sucked on his still flared penis to get the semen, then because I wanted to lick his balls, I rolled on my back so I get to them better, he allowed me a minute to do the  before he walk on over top of me. 

  Then went and got my blanket out of my back pack along with some carrots and a few snack bars, then layed my blanket out so I could lay face down in hopes he would soon want to breed me again. 

   Once I was down, I offer him a carrot as I hate one of the snack bars, he came and gobble it up, gave him few more then I finished my snack then just watched him as he meander about.

  After a little while laying there, I was so horny I needed to ejaculate myself, so I turned over and rolled over and started sucking my penis , within a minute I was ejaculating in my mouth.



 This must have got Edward excited,

 because no more had I finished ejaculating , I could see him approaching, I rolled down and over, grabbed my oil, quickly injected oil in me, just as I got my bottom up to offer him , he was already straddling over top me, in seconds his penis tip was pushing into me in attempt to find my opening,,his aim wasn't as good this time so I had to help get him started in, once in he got held up at my sigmond colon entrance so pushed me to ground thrusting few times before it popped in and instantly flared, thankfully he went still as he ejaculated, as he started to pull out, I rolled which pulled  him completely out then pushed myself toward his rear, now laying on my back scooting out from under him backwards, as soon as the head of his penis was in front of my mouth, I opened my wide and reach with my grabbed his shaft shoved the whole flare into mouth and began licking it inside my mouth with my tongue,,then as I hoped he would he walk away forward over me.

  Standing up though, and looking down at my blanket I seen a few drips of blood, at same time it hit me that up inside my bottom was feeling sore, looking at the back of my legs was a bit of blood as well, I knew it was time to get Edward back to the stables, and get my butt home.....We over did!.

  Once I got home I mixed up a very mild solution of iodine and distilled water and injected my bottom full and held it in a minute before squirting it out..and prayer that I wouldn't get a infection, I knew I would not be able to have Edward breed me for at least a few days, that seemed the worst part of it, be he made me feel so Feminine, and I wanted to be so much like a real jenny for him. 

  I clearly was worried about the idea of being hurt, then not able to take Edward's penis up inside my bottom,

I recall this whole summer so vividly on because that which happened made such a impact , and steered the course to my sexual identity.

Though at the time I don't think I completely realized how important
My ability to offer my bottom to partner ,  then have him want to, like to use it for his sexual pleasure was becoming clear ...how important , crucial to my female role, just in the short amount of time my two boyfriend had used it, and now with Edward it seem so essential
, by him using me as his female mate, by breeding me as he would a female donkey was the greatest feminizing I'd ever know, when he was done,I'd be like in dream, not believing or trying fathom just how feminine and sexy and desirable he just made me feel by taking me as female he intents to mount and impregnate with his sperm.

     I have to say that Edward's ability to give me so much semen to take into my body was one determining factor in desiring only to be with him, to his day I can't imagine ever being more or even attracted sexually to a living being
  I don't think even a human male could understand just how important feeling feminine to me is,how important it is for him to treat me like a female, and how the important thing about sex for me is, is based on the degree which I can be made to be and feel feminine.


                    Actually until trying to remember this time in my life has helped me realize

                    just how important feeling feminine, being able to be female-roled is to me.

If I could list things that make me feel female like in order of importance to me now.

   Number One... would be ....

         " getting mounted and bred like a female ", knowing I've just impregnated with his living                   sperm "

                            ...then see he is pleased with me
  2. " Performing fellatio and swallowing  my Man's sperm loving that it's in me
                                                                                            ...then see he is pleased with me

   3. " Wanting and trying to be sexy for my Man "....being ready to pleasure him at all times.

   4.  " To be clearly  valued by my Man to fulfil his sexual needs"; "to be his Slut in a good sense"

         A Man who truly,kindly,respectfully uses me for sex as often as possible, for example I                     loved when Edward's penis would drop out  when I arrived to see him every morning, as I             then knew he was horny and he was ready for me to start sucking his penis.

    5.  I am a very submissive type person when with a lover, I have a need to belong to, and serve him sexually the best I can




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Reading this study below, and now years later, I see Edward and I ,,very much over did it on our first day of breeding.... The two jack donkeys shown were breeding 6-7 times a day averge.

Excerpts from;

                              "Spontaneous Erection and Masturbation in Equids"


This particular jack had never been stabled and had been maintained exclusively under field-breeding conditions. Again, in spite of a remarkably high level of heterosexual activity (107 observed breedings during 176 hours of observation over a l6 day period), this jack exhibited 32 spontaneous erections and 24 episodes of masturbation, with durations and patterns of penile movements similar to those observed in horse stallions.
the other jack, observed for 216 h over an 18-day period, bred 133 times and masturbated 58 times. No ejaculation during masturbation was observed.

Most notable among these results is the high frequency and apparent regularity of spontaneous erection and masturbation. These results suggest higher frequency of spontaneous erection and masturbation than previously reported for stabled stallions. Tischner’s continuous direct observations of seven stabled stallions for 7 days revealed an average of four masturbation episodes per horse per 24-hour day.’ In that study, stallions exhibited erection without masturbation three to 17 times per day. Over the 7- day period of that study, ejaculation occurred three times in 363 masturbation episodes (0.8%), a rate similar to that in our study.


Like the donkey above,

Edward was relative small and slender, the only reason it was possible ,I could take his weight when hopped on my back.


In video below Robert Sapolksy talks about how " Trans " individuals brains are different, he tries to explains why a individual like myself who is biologically male yet has always felt like a female, wants to be female...and I have always felt I should be female sexually roled since puberty, thus by circumstance,and Edward my donkey lover being there at right time and place, his ability to take me as a female partner to mate with greatly fulfilled my need to be in the female role sexually.

   He states.... " Then some people have the crappy luck of getting stuck with a body that is different then what their brains actually are "  - Robert Sapolksy

Hearing what Robert Sapolksy says in these 6 minutes was so important to me, as I finally have some what of a certainty as why I have always felt I should be female and wanted to female.

For me, being 100 percent in female sexual role is so important

       Edward offered me the ultimate in " Maleness imaginable " and was able to breed be me as if though female, thus giving me the ability to be completely ,100 percent female sexually roled for him with no questions asked.


I've always wished to get pregnant


A boyfriend breeding me (2002)

           As much as I love getting mounted and bred by men,

Once Edward started breeding me ,

  I knew he was my perfect partner, when he bred me there simply was a purity of form, in that when he was breeding me, it was just that ,...he was by natures design impregnating me with his sperm to get me pregnant.

   Being with Edward made me feel so,so wanted as a female, in my mind I was his female partner and my role was to be sexual available  for him as often as he wanted.

Once I experinced the large amount of semen/sperm that Edward's ejaculations contained, how his big flared penis felt in me and just simply the special bond we had my fate was sealed , I knew I only wanted him as my partner.

Need for Affirmation

As a Transsexual male to female type person, I seem to need constant affirmation of my role as female for a male, to be sexually valued by a male lover, and Edward being a male donkey whom took me just as I was, and in the purest form treated me just as though I was a female " breeding " me just as he would a female donkey, impregnating me with his semen.

             " Thus giving me the greatest Affirmation of my Female-ness "

Like the ability to be Edward's full time companion / sexual female partner and how being in that role for him greatly affirms my female-ness.

   I have also greatly desired my body to look female like.

       " In my mind I am 100% female sexually "

In the above video I try to portray my " bottom " as my most essential aspect of my need to perform sexually in the female-role.

It's very important that my penis always be limp when in the presents of a lover, even if and when I do happen to ejaculate.

Male to Female Affirmation surgery


Not until the news of Playboy's First Transgender Model Caroline "Tula" Cossey come out in 1981, did I realize that I was similar to her, that is I was a male whom felt like a female....and that I was very,very different then normal males.

    I'd now already been Edward's female partner for nearly 7 years, and though I very much wanted a vagina and be rid of my penis for affirmation my own self image, I would never spend much time thinking about trying to look and pass as a female.

  That is until after 1996 when Edward passed away and until ready when in 1998 when I met a straight man whom took me as his femboy and started having me routinely perform for him sexually in my female role.

  He was wonderful about treating me like a female sexually, and bred me alot, yet I knew he'd never be able to marry me and live with me looking like male, to much Societial dogma , the gay thing etc.

  I tried being with many straight men, searching for man whom would take me as his full-time female-roled sexual partner.

  I even tried being with a few gay males, they were even less suited for someone like me then the few females whom I tried being with (which was not suited for at all, due to fact that I only desire to be in female role, and have no desire to use my penis like a real man) .

 I very much knew then I needed to find a new partner similar to Edward's size and mannerism if at all possible.

I soon realized how lucky I was to have met Edward,

    and to find a new partner like him wasn't likely.

Me posing nude  with this stallion I met while in search for a new partner.


George passed away May 4, 2021, nearly two months ago now, a great loving companion/ very best friend he was to me.

        (non-sexual, I only am attracted sexually to male donkeys or horses)


                   For myself ,

         I literally craved having a penis in

          my bottom and mouth as often as


I feel primarily due to psychological aspect of;  " a Male is allowing me to perform in the female role for him " thus feminizing and emasculating me ", which in turn allows me to feel much more like a Female. For example , " taking Edward's semen up inside myself anally is the greatest feminizing and emasculating I've ever experienced, much greater than any man can give me.

  For myself achieving a orgasm when having sex with a partner is of little importance, what I desire is to be ;

                          "feminized and emasculated "

                    - I feel so good feeling Female -

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Between 1998 til 2003,

  I was very busy performing sexually for many men as their "Femboy slut ".

Often getting double teamed, yet mostly giving guys blow-jobs,........unless I really trusted a guy I wouldn't allow him to mount and breed me without a condom, this was a huge contrast from being with Edward , whom always ejaculated in my bottom when he mounted me.

I soon realized " men " couldn't make me feel so,so feminine as Edward could.


For awhile I was having some females mount and breed me with strap-on dildos, which was very femininizing but I needed a real penis in me.. They knew I was female-roled male, thus knew I wouldn't use my penis like a real man.

-The Berdache Role-

If it where 300 years ago, and the Native American tradition of the " Berdache " whom represent the ;

   " Male who took the Female sexual role, dressed as a female " 

If that same tradition, had be adopted by American society, I'd simply be a " berdache "

                       exerpt from;    "In search of the -berdache"

LW Hasten

Department of Anthropology

Columbia University in the City of New York

Spring 1998

 The sexual partner of a male "berdache" engaged in sexual activity with someone of his own biological sex, but neither his behavior nor his partner's was considered to be homosexual because they were of different genders, i.e., heterogendered. By a definition based solely on biological sex assignment, homosexuality was indeed legitimized; the problem is that such a definition is completely inapplicable. A EuroAmerican conception of "homosexuality" which equates biological sex with gender is totally incompatible with the far more complex native reality. The fact is that cultures providing a "berdache" status likely did so in order to avoid the designation of homosexuality by shifting genders, and did in most cases prohibit the equivalent of "homosexual" behavior: Homogendered sexual activity was not acceptable, and two males who both identified as men could not freely engage in sexual activity under any circumstance. Therefore, if homosexuality has ever been "institutionalized," and if there have ever been more than two genders, it has apparently not been among the peoples native to North America.

Once the transformation was complete, the individual was expected to conform completely to the new gender role so that "normal" individuals of the same biological sex will "feel toward him as though he truly belonged to his adopted sex" (501-502). The gender identity of the alyha and hwame extended from social being to physical body, and they are said to have resented any "normal nomenclature applied to their genitalia." Devereaux explained:

Alyha insisted that their penis (modar) be called a clitoris (havalik), their testes (hama), labia minora (havakwit), and their anus (hivey), vagina (hiqpan). The hwame equally resented any reference to the fact that they had vulvae, but it was not stated that they insisted on a corresponding male terminology. (510)


Like myself, and least with men, I referred to my bottom as my " Femboy-pussy "


Being a Surrogate " jenny "

Sex drive can be thought of as a biological need

or craving that inspires individuals to seek out and become receptive to sexual experiences and sexual pleasure.