My role model becomes Caroline Cossey
Once I learned of her in 1981..
"I simply knew I was similar, I've always felt like I should be a female"
A excerpt of a Caroline Cossey interview;
During puberty realised she wasn’t attracted to women, so she thought she must be gay.
“But I was not accepted in the gay scene,” she reflected to The Huffington Post.
“I was also dissatisfied and felt unfulfilled by gay sex. The need and identity within me was for men to desire me as a woman and that put me into a seemingly impossible position. Not being able to fit into the heterosexual or homosexual worlds left me utterly lost and hopelessly lonely”.
At this time I had no idea what a male to female transgender meant, yet I knew I want to be like a female.
By 1981, I was living with my jack donkey Edward and my intact male Dobermann Ted and very much consummated as their female-receptive sexual partner and very content being a female receptive partner for intact Male equine and canines.
I was also be bred by my friend Ed's jack donkey Tenor, stallion pony Timbo and his German shepherd T-bone so my time was very much occupied, socially it wasn't great, yet as far as my sexual role identity, satisfaction it was very good.
A quote of Caroline Cossey's -
" The need and identity within me was for men to desire me as a woman "
This has always been my need -
and for me I'd been a female-receptive partner for 8 different human males in 1975, then became a female receptive partner for my friend Ed's Ed's jack donkey Tenor, stallion pony Timbo and his German shepherd T-bone, along with Edward my jack donkey
The contrast of being female-receptive for human males verse my male animal partners was at least psychologically much more role confirming, simply put my animal partner treated me just like I was a female.
"I know when my animal partners were breeding me I felt very female"
1991 Caroline Cossey appeared Donahue show
"I know I couldn't of went before that audience with the style and grace as she did"
A comment from a viewer that I can relate to;
I remember this episode when it aired. I was desperate to find another trans person. I transitioned at 24 in 1992. The introduction to her book ( My Story) still makes me cry like a baby because it hits so close to home.
After seeing her interview with Phil Donahue I was 100% sure I wanted my penis removed so I could feel more female like, yet at time I had no desire to seek a man as a sexual partner, my animal partners very much accepted me as I was as their female.
So the desire for me to remove my penis, has more been from to point of view,
"it simply doesn't belong on me, I should have a vagina/vulva like a female".
Caroline Cossey in Playboy
In the 70's and 80's I didn't know anything about what being homosexual was other then it was guys who had sex with guys, yet I knew I wanted to males to treat me as though I was a female, so when I learned of Caroline Cossey and realized that there were other males like me who wanted to be female I didn't feel so screwed up and silly.
Once I'd started nude modeling for art classes in fall of 1997, I was meeting a lot of new people, the social aspect of it helped me much with my grieving/depression over losing my animal partners through out the 90's.
Ed's "Timbo" passed away in 1992.
Ed adopted a year old stallion pony in spring of 1993 " Benbo" he began breeding me in 1994
Ed got a male german shepard puppy he named him "Boner" in 1982, T-bone was getting old and knew his life's end was coming, Boner started breeding me in 1983.
T-bone was the first dog/animal to ever breed me in (1975) T-bone died in his sleep 1983.
I got a male great dane puppy that was 3 months old and named him "Temper". fall 1983
Temper started breeding me the spring of 1985
I adopted a year-old intact male bloodhound in spring of 1983 "Tanner", he was breeding me in about 2 months after bringing him home.
Rufus the St. bernard started breeding me in 1986
Ted passed away 1992, Temper passed away in 1993, Tanner and Boner passed away in 1994, (old age related conditions, all of them I had to have put to sleep).
Rufus passed away in 1995. ( I had to have him put to sleep).
Edward passed away in spring of 1996 ( I had to have him put to sleep).
I became completely celibate until spring of 1997. I was very ill with depression for nearly a solid year.
It also made me confront my transsexuality and zoosexuality issues in a different way, especially in respects to "coming out", no one even knew I was homosexual other then my friend Ed, yet he also knew I had always wanted to be exclusively only with my animal partners.
Back to serving Human Males after 23 years of only being a zoosexual
Well, in 1998 I got to know William a sexy young black college student in one of my college life drawing classes that I posed for, next thing I know he was hinting at wanting me sexually, I was excited, yet scared about how to present myself to him and " convey my desire to be treated like a female, tell him I am "Wanta be" Male to Female transsexual" or do I just tell him I am a "homosexual bottom".
Then one evening he and I were talking, he very much was a Alpha man type, he came right out and told me to follow him out to his car and suck his big black cock, without a word that is what I did, once in the car he got his cock out, I was licking and sucking it eagerly as soon as I could get to it.
As I performed for him eagerly, he told me how he'd wanted me as his femboy slut since the first time he'd seen me nude, how he wanted to slide his cock up in me tight femboy-pussy.
All I knew was he tasted so good, and I wanted him to take me as his slut and as I came up for a breath I was begging him to take me as his femboy slut, and my femboy pussy was his for the taking.
I told William I was a "Wanta be transsexual", his reply was " that works out perfect if you are willing to be my slut, I'll be Top Man ", after he'd cum in my mouth we exchanged phone numbers, I agreed to be "On Call" for him as often as he wanted me.
William was soon having me serve him 2-3 times a week.
My thoughts of being half male/half female began at least by age 7, due to the fact I was desiring more and more to look female, be like a girl, I had already been viewing my mom and step-father having sex routinely at night by peeking through my slightly opened door into their bedroom.
This was followed by me mimicking my mom by asking a older neighborhood friend if I could suck his penis, he allowed me to and he ejaculated in my mouth and I soon was routinely sucking his penis as often as possible.
I seen my 8 year old step-sister's smooth hair-less vulva soon after I began sucking my friends penis, I can remember thinking I wish I didn't have a penis and looked like my step-sister instead.
By about age 9, I was certain because I was a Gemini it had caused me to want to be like a girl half the time and that was how life was going to be for me.
So I accepted very early on that I was going to be like a girl and have boyfriends and eventually be a wife for a man.
The writing of mine; First Contact and Indoctrination as a female-role/receptive male
portrays the events leading up to me actually being penetrated anally by men then the day I became emasculated by my friend Ed's German shepherd T-bone, followed by his stallion pony Timbo and jack donkey Tenor.
Even though I've been celibate as a female-roled/receptive partner for male canines and equines since 2001, and celibate as female-roled/receptive partner for Men since 2004, being a female-roled/receptive partner for male canines and equines is by far my preferred role. " I've been totally celibate since 2004 "