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My role model becomes Caroline Cossey

Once I learned of her in 1981..

       "I simply knew I was similar, I've always felt like I should be a female"

Caroline_1hour_FinalMy Story Caroline Cossey
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Caroline Cossey appeared in the 1981 James Bond film For Your Eyes Only. Following her appearance in the film, she was outed as transgender by British tabloid News of the World.




A excerpt of a Caroline Cossey interview;


During puberty realised she wasn’t attracted to women, so she thought she must be gay.

“But I was not accepted in the gay scene,” she reflected to The Huffington Post.

“I was also dissatisfied and felt unfulfilled by gay sex. The need and identity within me was for men to desire me as a woman and that put me into a seemingly impossible position. Not being able to fit into the heterosexual or homosexual worlds left me utterly lost and hopelessly lonely”.

Caroline Cossey in Playboy Shoot (June 1981).jpg

1991 Caroline Cossey appeared Donahue show


               "I know I couldn't of went before that audience with the style and grace as she did"                     

A comment from a viewer that I can relate to;

I remember this episode when it aired. I was desperate to find another trans person. I transitioned at 24 in 1992. The introduction to her book ( My Story) still makes me cry like a baby because it hits so close to home.

After seeing her interview with Phil Donahue I was 100% sure I wanted my penis removed so I could feel more female like, yet at time I had no desire to seek a man as a sexual partner, my animal partners very much accepted me as I was as their female.

So the desire for me to remove my penis, has more been from to point of view,

 "it simply doesn't belong on me, I should have a vagina/vulva like a female".


Caroline Cossey in Playboy

In the 70's and 80's I didn't know anything about what being homosexual was other then it was guys who had sex with guys, yet I knew I wanted to males to treat me as though I was a female, so when I learned of Caroline Cossey and realized that there were other males like me who wanted to be female I didn't feel so screwed up and silly.

"sometimes we only can live vicariously"

Because I'm so psychologically feminized and emasculated, I feel I should look like photo above

I've always wanted the GRS surgery, so I could have my penis removed and have a female like vulva so I could appear female like sexually, and to show I have no desire to be like a man sexually.

Because I am so deeply feminized/psychologically emasculated, my sexual role can only be as a female-roled receptive partner for males, thus my dream has always been

to have a female like vulva.

When I am serving a male partner sexually and get nude for him, I want him to see that I am completely emasculated, see that I am completely dedicated to serving him sexually in the female-receptive role.

I've always needed to be in the female sexual role for my male partners, thus looking and being/acting/performing feminine for my male sexual partners is very important to me.


     "I knew I needed to be a female-roled sexual partner for males"




I'm sure I was pre-disposed to be a feminine male and to be attracted to males sexually, yet due to my parents divorce at age 6, and the trauma from it I suffered, I can't remember any of my life prior to the divorce, I don't even ever remember my real father ever living with us.

Then when the this new man,  started visiting mom at night as soon as my father moved away, because my bedroom had two doors, one which opened directly into my mom's bedroom, the noises this new man and mom would very often awake me.

I would peek through the crack in the door opening between my room and mom's, because mom had a night light in her room I was able to view the new man and mom clearly.

Night after night for several years I would view mom performing fellatio on him, or her on her knees or on her back while he thrust his penis in her etc.

It was about 6 month's just prior to my 8th birthday(June), my friend Kevin(he was 13 years old) and I were in the woods at the beaver pond, it was hot so we both stripped nude and went skinny, after goofing off awhile. 

At one point he stood up in the water where it was only about thigh deep, I quickly noticed his penis was fully erect, and I instantly wanted to suck it like I'd been watching mom sucking, I simply asked Kevin if I could, he said I could.

All I knew, the moment I had his penis in my mouth I knew it was right, and I felt wonderful sucking it, Kevin being 13 years old and recently gone through puberty, it was long until he was ejaculating in my mouth.

I have always felt that by the time I way finished swallowing his semen I was completely psychologically emasculated, and my role needed to be that of a girl for a guy.

After that, I would suck Kevin's penis everyday if possible.



Mom caught me performing fellatio on Kevin about a month after I started sucking his penis and ingesting his semen.

Anyway I was riding my bike home from school, Kevin seen me riding home, as I passed his house so he jumped on his bike, and caught up with me and asked if I'd suck his penis, I said of coarse I would.

Once to my house, he and I hurried to my bedroom, and I quickly set on the bed as he got his hard penis out and offered it to me, instantly I was vigorously sucking and licking it, I'd maybe been sucking 5 minutes when my bedroom door opened, I turned to look, as did Kevin and at that moment Kevin started ejaculating as he tried to hide his penis, yet once he started ejaculating there was no stopping thus he squirt his semen all over my face and the front of me as mom was froze watching, Mom just watched without speaking, then slowly closed the door.


Kevin, hurried out the backdoor, I heard mom say bye to him as I went directly to the bathroom and cleaned up, mom knocked on the bathroom door, I opened it and she came in and sat on the toilet and I sat on the edge of the tub, the first thing she asked me was when started doing that with Kevin.

I told her that Kevin and I were skinny dipping at the beaver pond a year ago, and I wanted to feel his penis in my mouth, so I asked him if I could lick and suck it, Kevin let me, Kevin liked me doing it, thus I have been sucking his penis as often as I can ever since.

Mom then asked, if Kevin always ejaculates in my mouth, I told her that he has always squirted his semen in my mouth, and I loved swallowing it ever since I started sucking his penis, mom then asked if he'd stuck his penis up inside my bottom, I told her no, but some day I wanted him to and had asked him if he would but so far he hadn't yet done that.

Mom then asked, what ever gave me that idea to suck his penis, I told her about watching her sucking her new husband and that I wanted to be like a girlfriend for him, and mimic what she was doing with her new husband like you do with your boyfriend when I watch you and him have sex at night.

Mom was embarrassed now, and actually began apologizing, saying she didn't realize, that that the door was left cracked open.

Mom replied, "so Michael you've seen everything!"

I told her I had watched her and her new husband have sex often since he first started spending the night with her when I was six years old, and I knew I wanted to be like her, I loved watching her nude and having sex with a man, and I wanted to have sex with men like her.

I told her it was alright and not to apologize, loved seeing her nude and wished I could look like her and not have a penis and have breasts like her, I told her that I wanted to be like her, I loved sucking Kevin penis, and soon I hoped he could be sliding his penis up inside me some day like what was happening to her with her new boyfriend.

Mom just said that she needed to think about all this and tomorrow, then she'd like to talk to Kevin and myself together right after school, saying she hope to be better equipped to talk about it with us, she explained that she had no experience with homosexuality, and she wasn't mad, she did tell me to call Kevin right then and there to call Kevin and ask him to meet me at home right after school and make sure to tell him that she was mad about it.
So I called Kevin, and told him, he couldn't believe that she wasn't mad, but he said that he be at my house right after school tommorow.

Tomorrow came and about 3pm I got home, Kevin and mom were already there and sitting on my bed in my bedroom talking when I got to my bedroom to change into play clothes as I usually did right after school, they both smiled at me, mom then said, as she showed me to new door knobs that lock, "Kevin and you are going to put these new door knobs on your bedroom doors so you can lock your doors whenever your sucking Kevin's penis, but as far as Kevin penetrating your Michael, I like you to wait until your older, but if you can't wait, I will get you's some condoms so Kevin can wear a condom while he penetrates you Michael".

I continued to suck Kevin's penis routinely for the next two years, then one day Kevin told me his father had gotten a job transfer and they were moving to another state.

Yet she had clearly always liked Kevin so she wasn't angry with me or Kevin, and was only concerned for my well being and worried about me being passive receptive partner for guys.

I told her that I love to watch her having sex with Kevin, and that Kevin had always though that she was sexy.

To my surprise and with relief/excitement, mom grinned and said, "from what I seen, he does have a nice big penis."

I replied, "yes I measured his penis not long ago and it is 8 inches long," mom replied, "If given the chance, I'd being sucking Kevin's penis too every chance I could !", I told her that I do suck his cock every chance I get, often every day even several times a day.

I then told mom, " I'll tell Kevin that you want to start sucking his cock to".

Mom replied, " tell him he can penetrate me too!", then she asked me if Kevin had penetrated my bottom yet?.

That was quite traumatic for me losing Kevin as my boyfriend, and being able to suck his penis, I had wanted a puppy when I was 7 years old, so we had gotten Cosso a male great dane, so Cosso was nearly three years old.

Suddenly I found myself very sexually attracted to Cosso, we'd never had Cosso fixed so he was fully intact, with very large testicles.

It wasn't long before I learned that I could stroke Cosso's penis shaft and make him get fully erect and begin ejaculating, thus I started sucking and ingesting Cosso's semen.

Because my bedroom had two doors and it was fastest to walk through my bedroom to get to the only bathroom in our house mom often walked through my bedroom.

One day I forget to lock the door from mom's room into my room, while I was sucking Cosso's penis and mom walked in on Cosso and I, mom was shocked yet not mad, she sat on the bed with Cosso who was laying on my bed, myself completely nude and told me to continue so she could watch.

My penis was limp when mom first walked in, as mom petted Cosso and watched, my penis soon was fully erect from the excitement of mom watching me completely nude as Cosso ejaculated into my mouth.


By the time I was 12 years old Cosso was mounting me, penetrating my bottom and getting me locked in a copulatory-tie  and impregnating me with his semen.

Once Cosso had bred me, I knew the only role for me sexually I wanted to ever be in was being like a female for males, I knew I could never be like a real man for a lady.

                            " Thus I see myself as a female-roled male "

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