My role model becomes Caroline Cossey
Once I learned of her in 1981..
"I simply knew I was similar, I've always felt like I should be a female"
A excerpt of a Caroline Cossey interview;
During puberty realised she wasn’t attracted to women, so she thought she must be gay.
“But I was not accepted in the gay scene,” she reflected to The Huffington Post.
“I was also dissatisfied and felt unfulfilled by gay sex. The need and identity within me was for men to desire me as a woman and that put me into a seemingly impossible position. Not being able to fit into the heterosexual or homosexual worlds left me utterly lost and hopelessly lonely”.
1991 Caroline Cossey appeared Donahue show
"I know I couldn't of went before that audience with the style and grace as she did"
A comment from a viewer that I can relate to;
I remember this episode when it aired. I was desperate to find another trans person. I transitioned at 24 in 1992. The introduction to her book ( My Story) still makes me cry like a baby because it hits so close to home.
After seeing her interview with Phil Donahue I was 100% sure I wanted my penis removed so I could feel more female like, yet at time I had no desire to seek a man as a sexual partner, my animal partners very much accepted me as I was as their female.
So the desire for me to remove my penis, has more been from to point of view,
"it simply doesn't belong on me, I should have a vagina/vulva like a female".
Caroline Cossey in Playboy
In the 70's and 80's I didn't know anything about what being homosexual was other then it was guys who had sex with guys, yet I knew I wanted to males to treat me as though I was a female, so when I learned of Caroline Cossey and realized that there were other males like me who wanted to be female I didn't feel so screwed up and silly.
"sometimes we only can live vicariously"
Because I'm so psychologically feminized and emasculated, I feel I should look like photo above
I've always wanted the GRS surgery, so I could have my penis removed and have a female like vulva so I could appear female like sexually, and to show I have no desire to be like a man sexually.
Because I am so deeply feminized/psychologically emasculated, my sexual role can only be as a female-roled receptive partner for males, thus my dream has always been
to have a female like vulva.
When I am serving a male partner sexually and get nude for him, I want him to see that I am completely emasculated, see that I am completely dedicated to serving him sexually in the female-receptive role.
I've always needed to be in the female sexual role for my male partners, thus looking and being/acting/performing feminine for my male sexual partners is very important to me.