My "true" role is being a female surrogate
partner for male equines and canines
A profound experience for me was when I got my stallion Oscar and then when he allowed me to masturbate him, and the start ingesting his semen on a multiple times a week basis, thus by 1981 I was ingesting Edward's, Timbo's and Oscar's semen multiple times each week.
The Lakota contemporary term for the "berdache role" is "Winkte" meaning; "to be as a woman", I feel it best describes how I am psychologically, in that I've always wanted to be like a woman in all aspects, and especially sexually.
Thus, fulfilling the role of "being bred by males" is my strongest desire, whether it be a human male, a large intact male dog or intact male equine (jack donkey, stallion pony).
my idea of my perfect male partner
Though I consider myself "berdache" like or a "female-roled/receptive male", I can very much relate to what Brandon Ambrosino writes in his article below;
A phrase that has stuck with over the years goes like this;
"A person may do what they want, but a person can not choose what they want."
I very much questioned why I wanted to be female-roled my entire life, yet at the end of the day it is all I want, I simply could not "want" to be male-roled.
I'm sure I was pre-disposed to be a feminine male, yet due to my parents divorce at age 6, and the trauma from it I suffered, I can't remember any of my life prior to the divorce, I don't even ever remember my real father ever living with us.
Then when the this new man, who would soon become my step-father started showing up at night and having sex with my mom, and awake me, then I would peek through the crack in the door opening.
Night after night I would view mom performing fellatio on him, or her on her knees while he thrust his penis in her etc.
It was about 6 month's just prior to my birthday(June), my friend Kevin and I were in the woods at the beaver pond, it was hot so we both stripped nude and went skinny, after goofing off awhile.
At one point he stood up in the water where it was only about thigh deep, I quickly noticed his penis was fully erect, and I instantly wanted to suck it like I'd been watching mom sucking, I simply asked Kevin if I could, he said I could.
All I know, the moment I had his penis in my mouth I knew it was right, and I felt wonderful sucking it, Kevin was 12 years old and recently gone through puberty, it was long until he was ejaculating in my mouth.
I have always felt that by the time I way finished swallowing his semen I was completely psychologically emasculated, and my role needed to be that of a girl for a guy.
After that I routinely was performing fellatio on Kevin for the next 3 years until he had to move away.
Even then I seemed to realize that my motivation for wanting to perform fellatio on him was my need to feel like a girl, be like I was his girlfriend, and I've felt that way ever since.
Then once I taken my boyfriends Kurt inside my bottom and he breed me, it deeply psychologically emasculated me, soon after that my great dane Cosso and my jack donkey Edward were breeding me and ejaculating up inside me routinely.
Once Cosso and Edward had started breeding me, and due to the way they both could make me feel so wonderfully female like and in "pure form", unhindered by societal expectations, judgements etc. I simply knew that they were the best male partners I could possible have.
Even prior to when Cosso my great dane had actually mounted and got me locked up in a copulatory-tie and impregnated me with his semen I knew that is what I wanted.
Thus when my boyfriend Kurt educated me on how to clean and prep my bottom, then gave me a dildo for this purpose, it was more as though becoming a receptive sexual partner for males was my purpose and simply the next step in growing up.
As though instinctual, getting bred by males is the only sexual role I have ever desired, even though I tried being like a man and was able to penetrate several female partners it was not something I desired to do, and quickly realized that my sexual role needed to be female-roled only.
I've have dreamed of having a female like vagina ever since watching my mom having sex.
I started wearing a chasitity cage in 2001 to show my men partners that I am feminized and completely psychologically emasculated and never wish to ever be in male role.
My main motivations for writing this journal;
To convey how I feel I became a female-roled male, try to understand why society can't accept why there are males like myself that need to be female-roled sexually/socially when there is clear evidence that males like myself have been part of society for thousands of years.
"Being a male, yet only desiring to be like a female"
Being someone who clearly realized that I was not normal according to societies idea of what it is to be a man.
There was sure no guidance as what one should be like or act like in society if you were a man, yet sexually attracted to other males and also desired to to be treated like a female and be bred by true males, at least for me satisfying a male partner sexually, thus in turn getting impregnated with his semen is the number one aspect of my being female-roled.
Wanting/need to mimic what my mom was doing after I'd been watching her performing fellatio on a man;
"lead to my full psychological emasculation"
When I started sucking my own penis and ejaculating in my mouth it was highly emasculating for me
Once I started getting bred/impregnated with semen by guys, then by dogs, my jack donkey and stallion pony at age 13, I was
I've always wondered why societies in general can't accept same sex attraction in feminine males like myself, especially since we are not a competition for females, we can be helpers in the nest and we are available for straight males as female-roled sexual surrogates.
to be continued.........
Maslow's hierarchy of needs
After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third level of human needs is interpersonal and involves feelings of belongingness. According to Maslow, humans possess an effective need for a sense of belonging and acceptance among social groups, regardless of whether these groups are large or small; being a part of a group is crucial, regardless if it is work, sports, friends or family.  The sense of belongingness is "being comfortable with and connection to others that results from receiving acceptance, respect, and love." For example, some large social groups may include clubs, co-workers, religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, gangs, and online communities. Some examples of small social connections include family members, intimate partners, mentors, colleagues, and confidants. Humans need to love and be loved – both sexually and non-sexually – by others according to Maslow.  Many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression in the absence of this love or belonging element. This need is especially strong in childhood and it can override the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents. Deficiencies due to hospitalism, neglect, shunning, ostracism, etc. can adversely affect the individual's ability to form and maintain emotionally significant relationships in general. Mental health can be a huge factor when it comes to an individual's needs and development. When an individual's needs are not met, it can cause depression during adolescence. When an individual grows up in a higher-income family, it is much more likely that they will have a lower rate of depression. This is because all of their basic needs are met. Studies have shown that when a family goes through financial stress for a prolonged time, depression rates are higher, not only because their basic needs are not being met, but because this stress strains the parent-child relationship. The parent(s) is stressed about providing for their children, and they are also likely to spend less time at home because they are working more to make more money and provide for their family. - Wikipedia