Sexual Repression

and public disrespect, shame, and humiliation.

Often I wonder what life would of been like if I had grown up in a America, that is begining to accept transgender type people much better then in 1975 at age 13 , when I first was having sex with other males, whom I was in the female sexual role for, and only because it was very much the role I desired, wished to be in with them. Yet due to being discovered, that I was performing in a homosexual way, then very much publicly shamed, all I was able to do was stop being that way, and make every attempt to be a "normal " male, and especially not be like a girl, not dress like, act like . 

   I wanted to be like a girl for them and they made me feel    girl like

I know now if,  13 and in a community that supported a person like me, I'd grow my hair out most likely have pig-tails, I would want to wear a dress at least some times.

Me after catching a big fish, yet also me who was performing "Fellatio" on other males, and being anally penetrated, taking the male's semen into me both orally and anally. Selected by me , and the only role that ever seemed natural, not the role Society already decided for me , "The Male role ", which is like being in a life long "Play", and the part I got picked for sure don't reflect who I truly am ....

I know, the way I felt like then, today I'd dress like the girls below maybe, a dress of some sort.Reason is I wanted all the boys to know I was like a girl in my mind

I myself, now 58 years old find it is hard to explained what it is like to suppress one's true sexual orientation, which society calls "homosexual ", when in my mind being with a female sexually is homosexual, because for myself, psychologically, a straight heterosexual male is the opposite sex, because psychologically I am female sexually.

After spending years of simply not feeling good, long times of depression, a sense of being turned into a "complying", wanting to be in my girl role, wanting boyfriend, having no real interest in being with girls other then to be with them  like I too! was a girl, yet the girls seen me as just a boy. They did not realize, I  wanted to be like them and have a boyfriend, and a "Normal" not a boy like me that wished to be in the "Role" of a girl.

This is a "conundrum", after studying the "berdache" ways I could see greatly contrasted my society (Mid-west America 1970's) as for a male like myself was supported to take the "female role " be with the females, doing more traditional female duties, and was openly known to have sex with the "normal " heterosexual males in the female receptive role (which is very defining for myself, as I have always been in receptive role having men penetrate me, in my life I have not / nore could ever penetrate a male, that would be a extreme conflict with my identity).

5 Ways US Culture and Society is Gaslighting Marginalized Peopleeverydayfeminism.com

The reason for the "Gaslighting" article above, is that it has been very real for me psychologically.

  Excerpt ;

                        " We live in a society that draws strict lines about what’s appropriate and what’s not.

It tells us what we “can” and “cannot” wear and who we “should” and “should not” talk to. Everything from the colors we’re supposed to like, to the jobs we should have are lined up for us by society’s narrow definitions of individual personhood."  - everydayfeminism.com

 

     A big advantage for a male to female trans. person to to  " pass  " as female, thus greatly improving chances of a heterosexual male will ask them for a date.

I myself believe in honesty, and being faithful, " not cheating".

Yet know from experince there are plenty of males pose as heterosexual,, yet are clearly homosexual, yet married to a female.

                   "They secretly have another life of being gay"

                                  Not my idea of a way to live

Even today, I feel guilty, selfish to even pursue a relationship, all due to societies un-ability to accept transgender people. Say in writing something like below.

I do know that, I am going to give up on celibacy and currently looking for man, what I can honestly tell a man is ;   " I am 100% STD free / HIV neg. ", if the cost of the HIV vaccine drug "PrEP"comes down to affordable price then I will start taking that, was also wishing to have the "Zero-Depth Feminizing Vulvoplasty done so would have female looking vulva .  Yet can't wait much longer 58 years old now.

                          " Currently available for Str8 males 21-70 "

Rod talks quite a bit about social intolerance in about video

The Strip Game
Here is a example how memories,emotions,experinces can be so suppressed / forgotten. It was 1983-84, married, as a couple we had newly met , started doing things with another couple( "J"and "D"),soon after, I had been at this novelity store, spotted this board game that involved stripping nude,so I bought it. One evening when we as couples got together to visit/hang-out, some how the conversation came up corcerning the board game, next thing I knew we all four were playing the game in the living room.Soon we all were nude,and I can't recall the events / talk etc. that occurred, yet I remember watching as "D" lay on her back on the living room floor, with "J" sliding his big thick cock in and out of her,and I knew right then , I want him to do that to me, I so much wanted his cock up in my bottom,and I very much knew I wanted to one of the girls that night, and have " J " bone all three of us , bone me just like a one of girls. That never would happen again, the girls informed "J" and I that we shouldn't do such things again, thus that was that, yet now remembering it, the best thing that could of happened would of been to be in that living room as before, yet with me laying on my back, " J" sliding his cock in my bottom, as the two girls watched, it would of been a good way for me to "come out " as a female-roled male, sexual invert.

We would soon stop seeing "J" and "D", as they very quickly would break up,thus ending their relationship, and because we'd not known them very long,we lost contact. Looking back now,  I wish some how I would of been brave enough to ask " J" if he'd like to start  boning me and allow me to perform fellatio on him - Put me in the Female role -. I could of saved alot of time, faced the reality that I was sexual inverted, and had to live as such, and quit pretending , surpressing the fact.

1985

So the next event would be the " Need to be Cuckolded "

I had never heard of the word cuckold, and wouldn't know what I was doing until years later, all I knew I wanted my wife to find a boyfriend and start having sex with him, yet I still was suppressing the need to be in female sexual role for myself, I wasn't putting the parts of this puzzle together, due to fact that I had so deeply denied / suppressed / forgotten that I was a sexual invert.

I had really no idea what was going on, and sure didn't know why I wanted cuckolded, I had even suppressed the idea already that I wanted " J" to treat me like a girl and penetrate me, as well as let me suck his cock..

If that night, while we played the strip game, me seeing " J " perform,knowing I wanted his cock up in me, if some how it could of played out so my wife could of seen me getting " boned " by " J ", it would of been so clearly defined to everybody present, that I am homosexual, and female-roled 100%.( I still prefer term "Sexually inverted" verse " Homosexual ", and as well I think there are varying degrees of feminine or emasculation, I see myself as highly emasculated thus wish to express myself as female-roled,very feminine / transsexual) and if the surgery for getting a female like "vulva" were much more advanced, and free from the need for hormone replacement, I very much know I'd have my penis replaced with a female looking "vulva".

My philosophy is now,

" I can't let myself pay attention to societies preconcieved notions about sexual roles and expectations of "

  As long as I try to be honest,moral and safe as possible,a thats all I can do in the life.

  If my role in life is to be say like the following;

            "Berdaches frequently are available for sex with both unmarried adolescent boys (in my case, young single men) and married men who occasionally seek out same sex partners. Because of this, female prostitution is not needed. Traditional berdaches were also available as sexual partners during hunts and in war parties (102). This was yet another reason why they were welcomed on these excursions." - A Native American Perspective on the Theory of Gender Continuum by DRK

                                               note - My rule was a guy had to be 18 years or older to use me in my "berdache role"

                         I found that alot of 20-25 year olds were seeing me mostly to get a blow-jobs, then might try boning me anally                               after seeing me routinely.

I very much wanted a " Tribe of select Men"

              to sexually serve, still do.

Trying to overcome my " Sexual Inversion"

I very much tried putting my " desire to be men's " girly-boyfriend ", trying to be with female in man's role, all the while desiring to be like the very females I was having sex with. I myself wishing a man was penetrating me, like I was penetrating the ladies I was trying to be a " boyfriend " for.

  Any time I seen a male I found attractive, I'd wish he could read my mind, approach me, and just simply ask me if I like to suck his cock , which actually is how it happened in my " First Experince ".

  So I battled to suppress my sexual inversion, until 1998 , until again a male approached me, obviously he felt I was effeminate, and nicely asked me if I'd like to suck his cock. I found him attractive, we were alone in a private space, like a instinct,

in a very fem voice I replied " yes", as I went to my knees, got his pants unzipped, omg!

the the moment of seeing his cock head, the excitement for me, to finally after all these years be back in my female-role is hard to explain. I don't think a person in all of history could of taken a penis in their mouth more eagerly then I did at that moment, more love the feeling of having a man's penis in my mouth, then more eagerly swallow all his semen as he ejaculated. So luckly he was very sexual person, so was having me give him blow jobs or was boning me most weeks at least 3 or 4 times, he soon introduced me to friends by way of " double teaming me ". Soon I was making every effort to either get boned or suck every day.   

 

         

                                                                                  Trying to be with females sexually ;

                                                                              was like what I guess to be bi-sexual, or like I was a lesbian.

                                                                                    As I see myself as psycho-sexually 100% female like,

                                                                               for example I have never fantasized about sexually being with a                                 

                                                                               female, like a normal male does, all my life I've only desired to be                               

                                                                               with men, and only in the female role.

 

                                                                                     Another example is; I might be with female friend, maybe the                             

                                                                                most beautiful female in the world, I would never think " I want to                             

                                                                                have sex with her ", yet if she wanted me to, I might from a " wanting                           

                                                                                to please her " stand-point. 

                     

                                                                                  And at least since 1998, if this occurred I informed her that I was                       

                                                                                a sexual-invert / transsexual and my true sexual indentity or role was                         

                                                                                to be in female like role for men.  

 

                                                                                   Some times a female friend might use a strap-on dildo on me,

                                                                                I want her to cuckold me by having sex with another ,

                                                                                a few girl friends actually tried setting me up with men. 

                                   

                                                                                   Really just by luck, my friend in 1998, asked me to perform fellatio on him,

                                                                                then soon was taking me anally, and then rountinely using me for sexual purposes.

 

                                                    Like the following passage states ; 

 

                                                                               "          

A few passages by Richard Trexler ;

   " Trexler accounts an experience of Hernando de Alarcón in 1541 among natives in lower Colorado which depicts the importance of the role they played within their society. In this scenario, there were four Berdaches living in a village. As soon as one of them died, the next born son was assigned the "function of women." S/he wore women's clothing, and was prohibited from having sexual relations with women. "They received no compensation for this work of prostitution from the people in the region, although they were free to take from any house what they needed for their living" (Trexler, 87).

I was very much like a prostitute for all the men I would see, They liked because it was easy to just call me anytime of day or night and I go pleasure them in the manner they desired if I was able.

 I think I wanted sex all the time from men that I knew, wanted to meet new men, in large part it was very new, I'd been wanting for so long  to be with men sexually as their girly-boyfriend. So once a guy was giving me attention, I wanted to keep him so sexually satisfied, hoping he want to keep seeing me, I was taking it to the extreme, in that I could get enough, very much was addicted to sucking cock and getting boned.

  Yet from age 13 to 36 , 23 years knowing all the while I needed to be in the female role sexually with men, knowing I wanted to be alot more like a female then a male.

  Then when Caroline Cossey was in the news in early 80's,as a male to female transsexual, my  thoughts on the matter were very awaking, in that here is a person like myself (a male who is  like a female in their mind) it woke me up and scared me at same time, because I feared now this feeling wasn't going to go away, thus reinforced the fact that being a male and wanting to be like a female really is a " condition ", abnormality that occurs.

The older I got the more I felt the need to be treated like a lady by men sexually, yet I was ashamed to be like this, lusting for men, not girls like a normal male should.

  The thought in my mind that was always present, was I should have a vagina like a girl because that is role I need to be in. And I so much wanted to have a penis up inside my body again.

I agree with the following statement ; 

             " Repression of ones true self can be a dangerous thing for a person to bargain with, even if they are suppressing emotions for the sake of a loved one. The mental effects can be substantial, especially in the case of a closeted homosexual. God never wanted his children to hate themselves for something that is beyond their control. Homosexuality is something of nature not a choice a human can merely make on his or her own, despite what religion tries to claim. The people of religion have never truly known a homosexual if they feel this way. Most people can pick out a homosexual child at early ages; shouldn’t people of religion consider that before marking a person as damned? They could never know what it’s like to struggle against what society tells a person and what they know they are inside.- pairedlife.com/gender-sexuality/The-Dangers-of-Repressed-Homosexuality

I remember thinking , " how brave " to reveal self as a transsexual,thinking no way am I brave enough to let anyone know that I was a ;

      " wanna be transsexual "

I was brave enough by early 80's to go to book store and buy a copy of playgirl magazine ever month, then a finally bought a dildo to use on my bottom, at adult store in a distant city. 

  So ever since, I've aways had to routinely bone myself with a dildo, just to imagine getting a real man's penis up inside me.

One way homosexual individuals have come to " Adapt " due to repression. Forced to !

Yet compare what is written about the berdache ; and that of the Iran dilemma                                              

   In 1934, Ruth Benedict described the "institution of the berdache, as the French called them":

These men-women were men who at puberty or thereafter took the dress and the occupations of women. Sometimes they married other men and lived with them. Sometimes they were men with no inversion, persons of weak sexual endowment who chose this role to avoid the jeers of the women. The berdaches were never regarded as of first rate supernatural power, as similar men-women were in Siberia, but rather as leaders in women's occupations, good healers in certain diseases, or, among certain tribes, as the genial organizers of social affairs. In any case, they were socially placed. They were not left exposed to the conflicts that visit the deviant who is excluded from participation in the recognized patterns of his society. (65)

Was it because the berdache's gender was transformed precisely in order to avoid the designation of same gender sexual intercourse. Was it that, heterosexual men were able to engage in sexual activity with male "berdaches" under the acceptance that the berdache's gender identity was female.?

 In my case, I know that it has always been important when talking to a potential male sexual partner, that I express to him that I am 100% female roled.

 

Further even explaining to him that I've always desired have a female like vulva, I want treated as though I am a female, I don't want him to have any interest in my penis. I often have told men that I am transsexual, I just haven't had surgeries, and my gender is much like that of female.

Thus I have self created a gender, that is non-male so as he might be more accepting, be more at ease having sex with me, as well as treating me "lady-like "

I think every " Gay male ", say in the United States should ask themselves ; " If I was forced to live in Iran, what would I do ? "  Do I transition ?, if say all transition, it would be quite a dilemma I would think.

  For myself, it wouldn't be a problem if the care of the doctors was quality, I'd get the vulvoplasty I desire, breasts, dress as a female etc. Be able to be berdache like.

     Yet my theory is, if you love sucking cock and having a guy                              fuck you, your " female-roled "

        And very much like to dress like I am below in public.

        it's very understandable that male to female individuals              desire and do transition, then pass as females. 

         Yet that isn't confronting the issue of being a male, 

         whom,like myself doesn't wish to,or cant transition

         by way of surgery or use of hormones ?

         Yet is still just as sexually female roled, feminine feeling,

         desires to have Str8- non-homosexual boyfriends as                     sexual partners

‘It’s really a hard life’

All participants discussed the difficulties they experienced because they were transgender. Several participants used the phrase ‘the life’ and the ‘the hard life’ to refer to being transgender. Yolanda a 24-year-old Puerto Rican participant says:

‘It’s really a hard life. It’s really hard. See, it’s easier for like two guys that are like two thugs and they’re tough and gay and they’ll be together for years, because nobody can tell and they like to keep it that way, but when it’s a transgender, I don’t care how pretty you may be, it’s always going to be somebody can tell you’re a man.’

          - ‘It’s really a hard life’: Love, gender and HIV risk among                     male-to-female transgender persons / ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

I know after 14 years of celibacy, I am ready to start meeting men again.

  I soon will be taking the drug Truvada® a

Pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP) is when people at risk for HIV take daily medicine to prevent HIV.

  Which wasn't a option when I was very sexually  promiscuous in late 90's to 2005 as a female-roled male for men.

  One thing different now though a potential male sexual partner, is going to have to get tested for all STD's prior to us having any sexual contact. I already decided " I'll pay for the test if need be, yet must happen !,  I remember worrying all the time, if guys were honest when they'd tell me they were STD free.

                    was very much like playing;

             

                   Russian roulette

When taken every day, PrEP ( Truvada® ) is safe and highly effective in preventing HIV.

PrEP reaches maximum protection from HIV for receptive anal sex at about 7 days of daily use.

In my mind, I've never been able to relate to the " Gay culture ", due to fact that I wish and feel like I should perform like a female,being like female, be feminine for a true Man, not a homosexual man, I don't want to be with a man who is interested in my penis, I want a man whom likes that I want to offer him my bottom so he can penetrate it for his sexual pleasure.

Rod Fleming, in his video below outlines much the way I feel about the " Roles " , why it is important for me to be in " Female role " , receptive to being penetrated, why I have no desire or ability to penetrate , why I've never been in male-role with another male.

  I want a man that is interested me as a Female-role male, to be able to be direct about what he wants, for example I've had men whom I've never meet, approach me in public spaces, ask me if I liked men, and my reply to them has been " do you mean do I like sucking cock ? ", their reply usually is yes, my reply then is " I love sucking cock " there has been times, after chatting a bit, I'm soon giving him a blow-job,if we both enjoyed the encounter and accepts me as 100% female roled then he might have me give him a blow-job routinely , and if he wishes he will start boning me routinely. Hopefully if I trust him ,

  I can start having him ejaculate in           my bottom, usually I going to tell him

  that he can tell other men about me,      if he trusts them , that I love getting        double teamed and gang-banged if           context/content is right and if ;

             guys wear condoms

 As Rod points out in video below, a ;

    hierarchy must be                established

              and

             Roles

For myself, this is how, the reason a

                  " berdache role "

  came to be, as it makes much more sense / safer in big picture perspective, for me to serve 50-100 men sexually as a female-roled male, I been only one getting penetrated.

  To myself, taking a man's penis up in my bottom is ultimate feminizing role,

 

  Why are these men acting masculine ?

           Just confusing to me

The below video, outlines three different types of same sex relationships, I personally only identify with "gender organized " because I will only have sex with str8 men, and that wants a 100% female-roled male, for sexual pleasure non-romantic,berdache,prostitutional type sex (just not for money). The other types don't fit my role, which simply was in past was to be available for select straight men for sexual pleasure, myself to perform fellatio, or be penetrated in my bottom.

Not knowing the facts in a Society only leads to repression

Briffault's Law

I think that the "berdache",“Fa’afafine”, "muxe" in their sexual role for straight male helped fill this void, as the men could go to them for sexual pleasure ,in return giving these " "female-roled males " in return the sexual attention they needed.


  When I was very active in my "female sexual role" for men, I always felt it was prostitutional like, yet I just wasn't getting paid. 
  However there were plenty of good honest men that simply needed a outlet for sex with no strings attached.

As stated here ;

  " As opposed to European views of sexuality, Native Americans experience sex as
more than a means of reproduction. It is also an activity to be enjoyed and
appreciated.
Sexual pleasure is considered a gift from the spirit world. As a result,
most traditional tribes felt no inhibition in regard to sexual relations. Children were
exposed to the sight of adults having sex and some ceremonies involved sex on an
orgy level (88). Additionally, sexual contact was not necessarily limited to one’s
spouse or to the opposite sex; thus same sex activity was not the exclusive realm of
the berdache (90-91)."


   " Berdaches frequently are available for sex with both unmarried adolescent boys and
married men who occasionally seek out same sex partners. Because of this, female
prostitution is not needed. Traditional berdaches were also available as sexual
partners during hunts and in war parties (102). This was yet another reason why they
were welcomed on these excursions "

" In a sense, Native American cultures have institutionalized and socially sanctioned
homosexual relations by utilizing the berdache role as the preferred same sex partner.
When men want to have male/male sex, they are encouraged to do so with a berdache
(95).
The usual sexual behavior of the berdache is to take the passive role in anal
intercourse. At times they may indulge in oral sex or take the active role in anal
intercourse, but this is not widely talked about. If a berdache wishes to take an active
role, it is usually done only in secret and with a partner who can be trusted not to talk.
This is also true of the feelings of the man involved with a berdache. If he wishes to
assume the passive role, he will try to keep the activity secret.
Another distinctive aspect of berdache sex is that during foreplay and actual
intercourse they generally do not like to have their genitals touched. "…. Intercourse
with an alyha is surrounded by an etiquette to which the partner had better conform;
or else the man could get in all sorts of trouble. Kuwal, a Mohave man who had
several alyha as wives, said "they insisted on having their penis referred to as cunnus
(clitoris) (97)." "…. I never dared touch the penis in erection except during
intercourse. You’d court death otherwise, because they would get violent if you play
with their erect penis too much (98)."

 

A excerpt from article above ;

  

   " Though 2016 can sometimes feel like a hard time to be woman, at least we have a multitude of birth control options available to us—from standard ones like condoms and the pill, to IUDs and implants—that give us additional autonomy over our bodies. When you place them in the grand scheme of things, many of these options are actually quite new. The pill, for example, wasn't FDA-approved until 1960. Considering the options available to the modern woman, one Quora user recently wondered, "What kind of birth control methods did Victorian women use to avoid conception?" Fortunately for that user, Therese Oneill—author of Unmentionable! The Victorian Lady's Guide to Marriage, Manners & Sex—was there to respond.

According to Oneill, starting in the 1870s, it was illegal to send birth control or information about it by mail—likely in accordance with the Comstock Law of 1873, which also forbid the distribution of erotica and sex toys. Birth control was technically illegal for married people until 1965, and remained illegal for singles all the way until 1972. However, as is often the case with laws restricting sexual behavior, people found their own ways around it."

The concept of the " Indigo club "

The idea of this is ; As my profession is carpenter, I'd have a place home/workshop/woodshop, make wood furniture,custom wood items etc. 
 I'd have established relationships with 50-100 straight men at any given time, I perform for them sexually(not paid), in that they simply make a appointment, or have a routine set time  they visit me, say every monday at 9am, I perform fellatio on them and or they penetrate me anally.
  Another guy might be under going alot of stress in his life one week, and want to stop by and talk while I suck his cock or he fucks me " daily ".

   I'm the type of person that could perform for 5-10 men a day realistically, from real-life experince on a given weekend I've performed for 10 different men, all whom fucked me (most wearing condoms).

  All involved are STD free, if I'm the only "female-roled male" these men are seeing, this is as safe as can be achived.

One can see why for myself, learning to keep my bottom clean, and ready to be penetrated is very important aspect of my sexual role.

                              No different,

   then it is for a transgender/shemale porn actor

            Whom as well are being routinely being penetrated anally.

Speaking of Porn, here is legal prostitution at it's best,                                                why is so popular ?

                  I would say, in part from sexual repression

                           Yet one big problem with porn, one is Not learning to socialize, learning the ethics of sexuality, how to treat another, simply how to be civilized as a human being !

                               For example, I'm a clean freak, so a partner better have made effort to be clean etc. or I will reject him, 

In the right content/context, I'd love to have all these guys " boning " me.

Matter of fact, the idea of becoming a porn actor has crossed my mind many of times, yet is there a place in porn for a female-roled male like me that only wants to be boned by straight guys ? 

 And I enjoy being free to select who and how I have sex with.

      I know I not interested in gay porn, so wouldn't do that.

               There is alot of low quality stuff out there,

                                     Just my opinion.

I know it might be nice to get paid like Khloe Kay is for riding big cock

All I know is I've been in the role as the fem-male below, many,many times and                                     I love it.

I do believe one reason the berdache was important          in the tribes was the shield the females from unwanted pregnancy.

Especially as hunter/gathers, they couldn't afford to have so many females pregnate at any given time.

I just don't understand why these females are not learning to have anal sex ?

, granted my main desired sex partners are well hung black men, and taking large cock fully up inside one's bottom takes some getting used to, yet I also know alot of guys like the tightness of anal sex, alot guys whom routinely boned me had cocks that were 8-10" long, yet I learned how to take them fully up inside me comfortably. 

 Granted they couldn't always " pound me " with quick hard thrusting, which I love if I can handle their size like that, yet for example a guy with a 6" cock can fuck me as hard as he likes, which I often beg them too !

A big objective of mine was , " getting loaded up with semen " if at all possible. So even if the guys had to wear condoms, I'd often beg them to pull out of my bottom, get the condom off, and feed me their ejaculation.

I love doing what she is doing,

just wish I had vagina like her.

  I'm fairly certain more str8 men would be more interested in me if I had the " GRS " surgery, so I could at least have a female looking vulva.

  I've dreamed so long to look like the below picture of me for the men I was seeing.

My idea of being a shemale

Yet like following excerpt from ; 

     " Autobiography of an Androgyne "

 

" To sum up seventeen years after castration — I have 
always been of the opinion that it was the only thing to 
have done. But on account of even the slight risk at- 
tached to the operation, and particularly the resultant 
diminution of physical vigor,
I would not advise that 
other inverts be castrated
unless they suffer seriously 
from spermatorrhea. " - Jennie June

-----------------------------------------------

This has always been the main reason why, I have not had the " GRS " surgery for to female like vagina, the hormone issue.   And like Khloe Kay in the video above, whom doesn't have breast implants, though I'd like, having a vagina has been my dream since youth.

And though Sexual Repression, has come out of the Dark Ages concerning Sexual Inverted individuals, in part due to shemale porn, people like Rod Fleming making videos to help explain sexual inversion, trans topics etc.

  Still it will be some time before someone like myself can walk down the street dresses as photo below.

Men have to see us as we are, see other straight men walking and talking to us before they will ask us for a date.

  Even if just for sex, that is a right that all people should have, as long as mutually consenting

I just got started using Nurx for  PrEP  , 7/25/2020

  • Truvada and Descovy are daily pills for PrEP (Pre-exposure Prophylaxis

  •  

  • Up to 99% effective at preventing HIV

  •  

  • Affordable with or without insurance

  •  

  • Requires lab tests you can do at home

  •  

  • Three month supply of Truvada or Descovy per order

  •  

  • Not for those already living with HIV

So at least I can tell guys that I am HIV neg, all STD's neg, and that I am taking PrEP daily

This was one big reason I went Celibate 14 years ago, yet I can't take this celibacy anymore.

  Maybe if I can find a man or men who will start boning me routinely, I will further seek the GRS surgery to have vulvoplasty surgery . As this was another reason for celibacy, I told myself I'd stay celibate until after I had the vulvoplasty surgery complete, as well as not try to model for Art classes until I had a vulva, not a penis.

So hopefully soon I'll be able to start meeting men again                                    for Safe Sex !

  I can see, just by getting a transgender dating app. the pressure to define one's self in a stereo-typical way, I had two chooses cross-dresser or trans-women, thus the pressure to dress up.

Another reason for celibacy

I was always selective with the men I seen, always asking them if they were STD free, yet that ain't no "For sure" way to be, as in weakness of moment, and after a few drinks, next thing I knew I was bent over, or on my knees, with a guy I just met , his cock in my bottom , no condom, and he is ejaculating. Not worth it !

I do like a Real Man to see my limp tiny fem-male penis slapping about as he bones me, thrusting  hard in me. I want him to know how much he is feminizing me.

Be Only thing I'd miss , should I get the GRS surgery.

Another man described to Goldstein a glory-hole setup in his apartment where men could come to receive pleasure without any knowledge of the identity of the person on the other side. Max commented:

The majority of straight men who are going to a glory hole are going because they don’t want to see who is on the other side. It is about just getting off.

Is it that easy to find another girl who is just willing to give a blow job and say nothing more? Guys know what other guys are like. Guys just want to (get off). It sounds harsh, but it’s true.

Believe me, many,many times I've been tempted to sit in a glory-hole booth and suck as many cocks as possible.

Excerpt from above article ; 

Kevin in Miami

I’m going to level with you. I love giving straight guys head. There’s just something about going down on a guy you know is married to a woman or has a girlfriend. Just writing this now seriously gives me wood.

I don’t know why this is but it just is. Maybe it because I dig hearing a straight guy moan while his manhood throbs! I can only speak for myself but it’s just super-hot to feel multiple splats of a straight dude’s man juice shoot up against the back of my throat.  To me, it’s the ultimate!

I know you probably think I’m some self-loathing homo or a freak but seriously, I’m just telling you what turns me on.

You see I’ve been giving bro jobs since I was 20. I’m 35 now.

Back then, when I was in college, I figured out that a lot of straight guys preferred to just whip it out and get drained. No strings attached.

I can’t tell you how many of them used to pop by my dorm at night, make small talk and let me do my thing. One guy used to fist bump me after I swallowed him, just before he left my room. He was a wide receiver for our school’s team – which just made it hotter.

And the best part is that this same guy had a serious girlfriend. In fact, most of the guys on our football team did.

You see the fun part about giving straight guys bro-jobs is that they never, ever talk about it! It’s not like they’re going to tell their buddies, “Hey, Kevin gives the best head!”

And the research suggests straight guys are doing this kind of thing more than you might think. But I don’t want to digress.

4. Make sure you swallow

The last thing a straight guy wants to see is his man juice covering your face or chest. Trust me, they aren’t into that. In fact, they don’t want to see their semen at all.

Instead, what they really want to do is look upwards towards the ceiling and then release. Don’t expect them to make eye contact with you or establish an emotional bond.

Remember, these guys think of themselves as straight. If you aren’t prepared to swallow them, it’s probably not going to work out.

I think it is quite clear , unfortunately that until society can come to terms with sexuality, gender differences, differences in sexual orientation etc. no major changes will occur culturally. Maybe shemale porn is best thing to happen !, at least everybody can see and realize that differences occur, Maybe we all need to study " Theory of Mind " more closely.

   Theory of mind is the ability to attribute mental states — beliefs, intents, desires, emotions, knowledge, etc. — to oneself and to others. Theory of mind is necessary to understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one's own.

Better terminology in regards to how one identifies as " Transgender / Transsexual " ,would be great to help public know how one is.

 

At least for myself , that is concerning meeting men for possible relationship, I need a way to convey my sexual orientation to them. If simply tell them I am transgender, 

Though I don't think Benjamin's test is generalized, it at least gives a general idea of one's profile as transgender. 

 For example I rate myself as; (least have been last 22 years fully sexually   inverted / psycho-sexually female-roled with no desire to be   heterosexual and great desire for vulvoplasty surgery)

  -6 in Sex Object Choice and Sex Life:  Intensely desires relations with          normal male as female (female-roled male)

  -Gender Feeling: Feminine. Total psycho-sexual inversion.

  - 5 Remarks: Operation hoped for and worked for. Often attained.

Dr. Harry Benjamin's Gender Disorientation Scale

Type One: Transvestite (Pseudo)

Gender Feeling: Masculine
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Lives as a man. Could get occasional kick out of dressing. Normal male life.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Hetero, bi, or homosexual. Dressing and -- more --exchange may occur in masturbation fantasies mainly. May enjoy TV literature only.
Kinsey Scale: 0-6
Conversion Operation: Not considered in reality.
Estrogen Medication: Not interested or indicated.
Psychotherapy: Not wanted and unnecessary.
Remarks: Interests in dressing is only sporadic.

Type Two: Transvestism (Fetishistic)

Gender Feeling: Masculine
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Lives as a man. Dressing periodically or part of the time. Dresses underneath male clothes.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Heterosexual. Rarely bisexual. Masturbation with fetish. Guilt feelings. Purges and relapses.
Kinsey Scale: 0-2
Conversion Operation: Rejected
Estrogen Medication: Rarely interested. Occasionally useful to reduce libido.
Psychotherapy: May be successful (in a favorable environment.)
Remarks: May imitate double (masculine and feminine) personality with male and female names.

Type Three: Transvestism (True)

Gender Feeling: Masculine (but with less conviction.)
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Dresses constantly or as often as possible. May live and be accepted as woman. May dress underneath male clothes, if no other chance.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Heterosexual, except when dressed. Dressing gives sexual satisfaction with relief of gender discomfort. May purge and relapse.
Kinsey Scale: 0-2
Conversion Operation: Actually rejected, but idea can be attractive.
Estrogen Medication: Attractive as an experiment. Can be helpful emotionally
Psychotherapy: If attempted is usually not successful as to cure.
Remarks: May assume double personality. Trend toward transsexualism.

Type Four: Transsexual (Nonsurgical)

Gender Feeling: Undecided. Wavering between TV and TS.
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Dresses as often as possible with insufficient relief of his gender discomfort. May live as a man or woman; sometimes alternating.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Libido often low. Asexual or auto-erotic. Could be bisexual. Could also be married and have children.
Kinsey Scale: 1-4
Conversion Operation: Attractive but not requested or attraction not admitted.
Estrogen Medication: Needed for comfort and emotional balance.
Psychotherapy: Only as guidance; otherwise refused or unsuccessful.
Remarks: Social life dependent upon circumstances.

Type Five: True Transsexual (moderate intensity)

Gender Feeling: Feminine (trapped in male body)
Dressing Habits and Social Life: Lives and works as woman if possible. Insufficient relief from dressing.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Libido low. Asexual auto-erotic, or passive homosexual activity. May have been married and have children.
Kinsey Scale: 4-6
Conversion Operation: Requested and usually indicated.
Estrogen Medication: Needed as substitute for or preliminary to operation.
Psychotherapy: Rejected. Useless as to cure. Permissive psychological guidance.
Remarks: Operation hoped for and worked for. Often attained.

Type Six: True Transsexual (high intensity)

Gender Feeling: Feminine. Total psycho-sexual inversion.
Dressing Habits and Social Life: May live and work as a woman. Dressing gives insufficient relief. Gender discomfort intense.
Sex Object Choice and Sex Life: Intensely desires relations with normal male as female if young. May have been married and have children, by using fantasies in intercourse.
Kinsey Scale: 6
Conversion Operation: Urgently requested and usually attained. Indicated.
Estrogen Medication: Required for partial relief.
Psychotherapy: Psychological guidance or psychotherapy for symptomaticrelief only.
Remarks: Despises his male sex organs. Danger of suicide or self-mutilation, if too long frustrated.

Kinsey's sexual orientation scale

  • 0 Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual experience

  • 1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidently homosexual

  • 2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

  • 3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual

  • 4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual

  • 5 Predominantly homosexual, but incidentally heterosexual

  • 6 Exclusively homosexual, with no heterosexual experience

I very much wish I could dress and go to work looking as I do below, pull my dress up and show a man that I have a vulva, and ask him if he could treat me as a Female. I just am not brave enough.

A big reason I identify best as " berdache " type, they were not taking hormones or having surgery done, yet were still recognized  as " Female-roled males ". They simply dressed,and took on a female role.

Excerpt from above article ;

Gender-Affirming Hormone Therapy

Transgender individuals who choose to transition can take medical and/or non-medical steps. Social transition includes actions such as changing one’s appearance (e.g., hair, clothing) or pronouns. A legal transition includes a change in name and new legal documents to reflect this. Medical transition (if desired) may include procedures such as gender-affirming hormone therapy (GAHT) and gender-affirming surgery (e.g., breast augmentation, phalloplasty) to develop or modify desired sex characteristics.

We argue that lines of research focusing on differences between trans populations and general population controls without a specific intervention do not answer critical questions about how to improve the unique health needs of transgender people and can further stigmatize this community by deeming them as abnormal. In particular, more data are necessary to inform transgender patients about the long-term safety of GAHTwith respect to brain health, mood, and cognitive function necessary for daily living, especially as it is becoming more common and accepted for transgender people to use GAHT to medically transition.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Published online 2018 Oct 11 - ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

        Effects of feminizing hormone therapy in transgender women

   Breast development and nipple/areolar enlargement  Transgender women on HRT often experience less breast development than cisgender women (especially if started after young adulthood).

 

Transgender women on HRT often experience less breast development than cisgender women (especially if started after young adulthood). 

    My only real desire to use hormones would be for breast development so there would be no need for implants

Excerpt from above pdf ;

Approach to patients across the feminine spectrum

  Not every person on the MTF spectrum patient desires to maximally feminize their body, whether related to their gender expression or due to current life circumstances. Some patients may begin hormone therapy seeking minimal changes, and later pursue a full physical transition. The provider and patient need to establish which feminine and masculine characteristics (including fertility and sexual function) are important for the patient, and if that combination is medically achievable with hormone therapy. Antiandrogen therapy alone, low-dose estrogen, or even surgical intervention, with or without low doses of hormones, may be needed to achieve the patient’s goals

I just can't help but think that this sudden increase in people under going Transgender hormone therapy isn't due in large part  to  societal / religious repression, and gay community  thus making them feel they must " pass "as their desire gender.

 "A Shocking Number of Gay Men Think Being Feminine Is Bad for the Community." - .pride.com

 “In the gay community, a sexual premium is placed on masculinity, which puts pressure on gay men to be masculine,” says Justin Lehmiller, a psychologist at the Kinsey Institute

"While femininity is not necessarily rare in the gay community, it is beginning to be seen as a negative trait; men are plastering their profiles with phrases like “no fems” and “masc 4 masc”, and calling themselves “straight-acting” as if being heterosexual is the same as being manly, and therefore being gay is to be feminine.

                        - I have to agree with Rod , as he expresses his opinion -

                                                     in below video

                         - Disgust -

 

 

 

As a female-roled male, the way I have intercourse with a man obviously is by taking his penis up inside my bottom. A very big reason I have make such a directed effort to always make sure my bottom is very clean, I very much don't want a partner be turned off , thus not want to penetrate me again.

This is a repression that can only be over come by being responsible and keeping clean, being tested for STD's routinely.

I am quite aware / sensitive to how people can be Disgusting, which is often centered on inability to be fit and clean and not act animalistic.

Pseudo-identity crisis

I can't help but think the whole Lgbt community has become " Cult " like, something to be aware of, yet again cased by forced adaptation due to repression.

 

Sex means different things to different people

This heading is From below article

If we apply Abraham Maslow’s popular and well-known psychological theory “The Hierarchy of Needs” to sex and sexual fulfillment, we can see how we might approach sex and frame sexuality and how it can operate in people’s lives.

If one notes; Safety is needed first

Alot of Men seen me I think , for need for having touch from another human being, that was fairly safe for them.

    Especially if I simply jacked them off

Sex Therapist Marty Klein writes about the real value of sex. “Touching, which most people under-value in sex,  being known and knowing someone; feeling connected; and a sense of immediacy, that something is happening right now. That is unique to you”. And I want to add being touched, both physically and emotionally.  We all need to be touched in ways that please us uniquely; more skilful touch of the whole body, not just the obvious bits between your legs. The skin is the greatest erogenous zone, the receptor of pleasure.  Learning how to notice and value this is key.

Roots of violence found in disrespect

                                                     Respect
                                      Acknowledging Dignity

Showing Respect

Respect is action. We demonstrate our respect for others by giving them authentic positive attention, listening with positive attention, acknowledging them as fellow human beings, and providing appropriate recognition. Avoiding, withholding, or manipulating these responses are signs of disrespect. Any form of insult or humiliation is disrespectful.

Disrespect is the precursor to hate. Heed the warning. Reevaluate the evidence, avoid the distortions, correct the errors in reasoning, and reject the temptation to dismiss the other.

"Reparative Therapy" ... inaccurately implies "broken-ness" 

 [S]ome organisations and individuals practicing outside the remit of professional bodies such as the American Psychiatric Association or the Australian Psychological Society continue to advocate for therapeutic approaches that treat homosexuality and bisexuality as disorders. These are most commonly referred to as ‘reparative’ or ‘conversion’ therapies. Many such approaches are guided by particular interpretations of religious texts ...
The APS strongly opposes any approach to psychological practice or research that treats lesbians, gay men, and bisexual people as disordered. The APS also strongly opposes any approach to psychological practice or research that
attempts to change an individual’s sexual orientation. ...

I can say for myself, after at least half my life trying " Not " to be sexually attracted to men, it is un-likely to change one's sexual orientation, especially after being psychologically emasculated and loving, very much desiring the female sexual role.

  At least for me, I always wanted to be female-roled . yet once I took the female role into practice, very much wanted men to feminize / emasculate me by treating me female like, it is like the "Point of No Return", a major life changing event.

 In 2001, United States Surgeon General David Satcher issued a report stating that ;

        "there is no valid scientific evidence that sexual orientation can be changed".

The Surprising History Of Homosexuality And Homophobia.

                           and the disrepect of them.

Excerpts from ; bidstrup.com/phobiahistory

 

What Catholicism and most other modern Christian churches vigorously deny is just how much homosexuality was not only tolerated, but practiced by many of its founding fathers, and the degree of toleration, if not veneration, it received. Afrocentrics often deny that homosexuality was a feature of African cultures in ancient times. And more than a few anglicized Native Americans would be shocked to learn that homosexuals were not only common among their tribal ancestors, but were even venerated as being spiritually gifted.

Homosexualty and bisexuality, we now know from modern research, are ubiquitous throughout the world. They exist in all cultures, and at all times in history. Relics of our evolutionary history, homosexuality and bisexuality are very commonly practiced in nearly every culture, whether tolerated or not. The differences among cultures are the openness with which it is practiced.

Another thing we know from modern research is that some degree of bisexuality, in the absence of cultural taboos, is not only extremely common in men, but is probably the rule! “Homosexuality of convenience” which occurs in the absence of available female partners (such as is commonly seen in prisons, for example) is widespread even in cultures that frown on homosexuality. Most men, at some time in their lives, experience homoerotic feelings towards other men – whether they choose to admit it or not. According to Masters and Johnson, the percentage of men who have had a homoerotic

experience to orgasm in amazingly high even in America. By the age of 49, fully 60% of American men have had such an experience. We not only know that homosexual experience was ubiquitous, but that it tended to follow certain general patterns, nuanced by local traditions, taboos and prejudices.

Among these patterns are a tendency of partnerships to form between adolescents of differing ages, with the older male performing the more active (usually insertive) role, and the younger performing the more passive (usually receptive) role. The more tolerant the society, the older the senior partner became, to the point of being intergenerational in some cases, such as ancient Greece. In nearly all cases, however, taboos existed against homosexual rape, and most such societies had taboos or laws intended to protect an unwilling junior partner from an aggressive senior partner.

We also know that there is a small minority of men (estimates range from 3 to 7 percent depending on the criteria examined) who seem to be biologically disposed to homosexual orientation, and for whom there is no element of bisexuality at all. Often these men display feminized charactaristics (a “swishy” personality, or a tendency to perform in drag, for example), and these men are usually the ones who show no interest in forming relationships with women (and who often consider even the idea to be repugnant). It is these men, the small minority, that are the source of the stereotype of the “swishy queer.” Similarly, at the opposite end of the spectrum, there are a similarly small number of men who never have had any homoerotic experience at all and find the idea to be repugnant. But that leaves the vast majority of men in the middle, who on at least rare occasions, find other men to be erotically interesting.

The fact of the ubiquity of bisexuality is probably the source of the myth that homosexuality is a chosen orientation. The fact that many men have erotic attraction to both sexes to at least some degree and are therefore offered the opportunity (or required by society) to choose is why many religious groups seem to think that sexual orientation can be changed. There is not a shred of evidence to indicate that a significant shift really can occur – “reparative therapies” succeed only in repressing one sexual response in favor of the other, often with pyschologically devastating results.

Homosexuality Among Native Americans
When English and French-Canadian fur trappers first grew acquainted with the cultures of the Native Americans among whom they found themselves, they were surprised to find that there were significant numbers of men dressed as women among the tribes of the region. What intrigued them the most, however, was the esteem with which these men were held by their fellow tribesmen. These men were considered to be spiritually gifted, a special gift to the tribe by God, men with a particular insight into spiritual matters. As they were encountered in most tribes, the trappers chose a French word to describe them all: “berdache.”
Personally, as a person of Native American descent, I thoroughly dislike that term, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that it is ultimately perjorative in its roots. Native Americans find the term offensive as it comes ultimately from the Arabic where it means roughly, ‘male prostitute,’ a thoroughly unacceptable term to be used for their highly respected spiritual advisors and elders.

The term “Two-Spirit” has been proposed as a replacement, but I find that it too is lacking, in that there is no universal agreement on its meanings, some of which are also perjorative. Yet what it does convey is a sense that these people have a special gift – being in two worlds at once, the normal material world, but also an sensitivity to a special gift of the spirit that only people like themselves can experience.

Other terms also fail to convey the breadth of the phenomenon and the esteem in which these men were held. While men living as men with other men were a phenomenon that varied widely among tribes, the phenomenon of the man dressed as a woman who engaged in the pursuit of spiritual matters was almost universal among North American tribes. The term, “Two-Spirit” is a term I will use, then, to describe this phenomenon in this section of this essay, in spite of its shortcomings.

There were exceptions, of course, to the celebration of Two-Spirits, such as the Pimas of Arizona, but in most cases, Native American tribes, particularly the tribes of the Great Plains and the Southwest, were greatly admiring of their Two-Spirits. Among the Hopi and the Zuni of Arizona and New Mexico, these Two-Spirits held a special status. They were keepers of the ancient traditional stories of creation, healing and growth. But more than that, they were the keepers of the spiritual traditions, recognized for their special gift of being “between genders.”

Indeed, some tribes considered their Two-Spirits as being in the middle of a continuum of gender, not an abberation between two opposite genders as the western European model would have it. In this way, they were prescient of the view of many modern psychologists, who themselves are uncomfortable with the black/white, either/or gender identification of the European model.