The Need to be "Fully Emasculated"
"A Huge Need of mine"
"Very much I tried to suppress my sexual inversion / desire to be like a female sexually"
" It did not Work "
" A huge consequence of trying to be a Man for a Female "
Every time I tried, soon I'd ask her to start " Cuckolding " me
Every time , my female partner would find a Man,start having sex with him, then I would desire her to ask him if he could have sex with me , treat me sexually like a female, allow me to perform fellatio on him and have him penetrate me anally
I soon found out, sure it's a great way to become " emasculated ", but not a way to be in a relationship when your female partner wants a " Real Man ", and believe me, I did not expect them to want me any longer once they realized I was " sexually inverted / female roled, and wanted to be sexually treated like a female.
So in a way my male friend who asked out in 1998, then very directly asked me to perform "fellatio " on him , saved me from repeatly suppressing the fact that I needed to be in relationship with a Str8, heterosexual man who would treat me sexually like I am female.
Once my boyfriend put me in the female role, and wonderfully made me feel so feminine, gave me the true sexual attention I needed and at same time "breaking me like a stubborn horse " resulting in my " full psychological emasculation "
In essense I am unable to perform as a male, and no desire to ever be in the male role.
For me this is " Wonderful !
So my next big step for me is be physically emasculated, have my penis replaced with a female like "vulva / vagina . Hopefully can start the surgery as soon as possible.
I so much want to look like this for a man
Pig-tails and a pussy the way I should be !
One thing, I know after years of seeing psychologists my years depression then leading to alcoholism was due to ;
" surpressing " my need to be " feminine ", to be female sexually roled for a man.
It's so hard to explain how thank ful, Joy ful, it is find and accept my identity as a ;
" Female-Role male " (transgender person)
At times I have dreamed to get pregnant, though crazy and silly, and with a few men in the past, in the heat of the moment as they were ejaculating up inside me, I've cried out " I wish I could have your baby "
Feminisation and female sexuality - http://allabouthsts.com/
" Across the board, all male Transgender Homosexuals, that is, feminine males, those who have been affected by innate Sexual Inversion, are feminised. They are not the only kind of male homosexual, as I’ve pointed out; there are acquired forms too. However, they are all feminised to some degree, notably in sexuality (ie they want to be penetrated and seek men to do it). But we also know that bisexualism (Western sense) is a common part of female sexuality. Together, these would theoretically open the door to the idea that some MtF HSTS might also exhibit it, since they have inverted, ie female, sexuality. "
Least did call and made appointment to talk to surgeon today, a big step for me.
For me at this time the desire for the Zero Depth Vaginoplasty (Feminizing Vulvoplasty) only gets greater with time, will be mild then next week intense, start to call to set up a consult with surgeon, then stop myself.
I want the surgery 100% intensely want it, I known that the surgery was what I wanted since seeing Caroline Cossey play part in James Bond movie For Your Eyes Only in early 1980's, seeing her for first time, I remember thinking "I so much wish I was born a girl, knowing I should really be a girl "
I remember first time seen her, I said to myself ,"that should me to doing that "
As Caroline Cossey points out in interview above, she was tired of dealing with transgender issue, just wanted to live life, I am of same mind set. If I can by chance get the Feminizing Vulvoplasty , I would feel that I have done all thats necessary to feel fully femininized physically, a first step and very important as it erases the " Maleness from me of having a penis ", I can then have at least a female appearing vulva with luck and publicly dont have to deal with explaining. And in my the only thing that is preventing me from feeling fully Feminized is seeing myself with a penis, something that represents me falsely, I simply don't like having a "Penis"
" It drives me Crazy ! "
I can remember as far back, as can remember ,6 or so always pulling my penis back up under me all the time so I could pretend and dream of being like a girl. I think if I wished often enough it might come true, so seeing it came true for Caroline Cossey, very much gave me hope.A dream again !
One of the most exciting things I can imagine in the whole wide world is ;
" getting undressed for a boyfriend and him seeing me with a " Vulva "
In this video Rod closely describes how I feel about my penis and have had to, so as not to obsess about wanting GRS surgery in order to have a female like " vulva ".
This video explains "Affirmation ", something I do need and very much get when a man is penetrating me.(Str8 man)
Being a sexual invert isn't easy
Excerpt from "boy wives" (above)
" The Azande people experienced a shortage of women, causing the available women to be given to the rich. Due to this, if a man had an interest in a boy between the ages of 12 and 20, he paid a bride price of five spears to have him. Fornication with a bachelor (aparanga) meant mutilation or payment of twenty spears and a woman.
English anthropologist, E.E Evans-Pritchard states in his book Witchcraft, Oracles and Magic Among the Azande and his essay Sexual Inversion among the Azande that the boy would become his lover (badiare). The lover will, in turn, perform wifely roles of cooking, cleaning, keeping the house warm, speaking softly, making the bed and sexually satisfying the husband (kumbami).
Having a boy wife does not stop a man from getting married to a woman. This is because the service of the boy wife is mainly needed when the men go to wars.
A high ranking man is allowed to have more than one boy wife. Also, the death of a royal man means the burial of his boy wife.
When a boy wife becomes a man, his husband gives him spears and shields. If the husband treats the boy wife well, his parents will thank him by offering a girl to the husband as a wife.
I've always dreamed of having a boyfriend's penis up inside me like a real lady
Alessandra Lemma - Understanding the transsexual's need to be seen
In studies of human behavior, the term inversion is applied to sexual situations in which males play female role.
I could describe myself as " born eunuch / pyschosexually female "
In that I've at least always wished to be physically emasculated
by have a female like vagina, and I very much wanted men to
pyschologically emasculate me for the female sexual role.
What was called sodomy in the Christian tradition, or the "act of the people of Lot" in Islam, was the sexual penetration of "males" and it was criminalized in many ancient cultures. But before the 4th century CE, it had never been associated in law with sex between exclusively homosexual men, or with sex practised on homosexual men in the passive role by straight men in the active role
A fully passive female-roled male like myself
needs straight males / top males to put us in
female sexual role.
For myself , I want a man to make me feel like a girl, want him to know I want to be like
" A Girl "
When I ask a boyfriend the question,
" If I get the surgery to get rid of my penis and instead have a vagina would you like?"
if he likes, then at least I know he wants me female-roled,
and fully emasculated, physically and pyschologically
" I love when a Man makes me feel like a Girl "
Excerpts from ; HOMOSEXUAL OUTLET
It would encourage clearer thinking on these matters if persons were not characterized as heterosexual or homosexual, but as individuals who have had certain amounts of heterosexual experience and certain amounts of homosexual experience. Instead of using these terms as substantives which stand for persons, or even as adjectives to describe persons, they may better be used to describe the nature of the overt sexual relations, or of the stimuli to which an individual erotically responds.
Some males who are being regularly fellated by other males without, however, ever performing fellation themselves, may insist that they are exclusively heterosexual and that they have never been involved in a truly homosexual relation. Their consciences are cleared and they may avoid trouble with society and with the police by perpetrating the additional fiction that they are incapable of responding to a relation with a male unless they fantasy themselves in contact with a female.
Even the most experienced homosexual males may be inhibited from making all the contacts that are available because of preferences for particular sorts of partners. A male who has highly developed esthetic tastes, one who is emotionally very sensitive, one who over-reacts to situations which do not entirely please him, one who develops a preference for a partner of a particular age or a particular social level, of a particular height or weight, with hair of a particular color, 1.with particular genital qualities, or with other particular physical aspects - a male who refuses to have sexual relations except under particular circumstances, at particular hours of the day, and in particular sorts of environments - may turn down hundreds of opportunities for contacts before he finds the one individual with whom he accepts a relation
(1. I do like guys with big cocks , if I was a man's full time fem-boy, I like him to be well hung, as well as high sex drive)
The heterosexual male finds a regular outlet if he locates a single female who is acceptable as a wife in marriage. The homosexual male is more often concerned with finding a succession of partners, no one of whom win provide more than a few contacts, or perhaps not more than a single contact. Some promiscuous males with homosexual histories become so interested in the thrill of conquest, and in the variety of partners and in the variety of genital experiences that may be had, that they deliberately turn down opportunities for repetitions of contacts with any one person. This necessity for finding new partners may result in their going for some days or weeks without sexual relations.
Long-time relationships between two males are notably few. Long-time relationships in the heterosexual would probably be less frequent than they are, if there were no social custom or legal restraints to enforce continued relationships in marriage. But without such outside pressures to preserve homosexual relations, and with personal and social conflicts continually disturbing them, relationships between two males rarely survive the first disagreements.
There are some males who are primarily or even exclusively homosexual in their psychic responses, but who may completely abstain from overt relations for moral reasons or for fear of social difficulties. Left without any socio-sexual contacts, some of these persons have essentially no outlet, and some of them are, therefore, very badly upset. Issue with myself, as I am 100% female-roled
The homosexual has been a significant part of human sexual activity ever since the dawn of history, primarily because it is an expression of capacities that are basic in the human animal.
When inverts have clearly faced and realized their own nature it is not so much, it seems, their conscience that worries them, or even the fear of the police, as the attitude of the world. An American correspondent writes: "It is the fear of public opinion that hangs above them like the sword of Damocles. This fear is the heritage of all of us. It is not the fear of conscience and is not engendered by a feeling of wrongdoing. Rather, it is a silent submission to prejudices that meet us on every side. The true normal attitude of the sexual invert (and I have known hundreds) with regard to his particular passion is not essentially different from that of the normal man with regard to his." It is noteworthy that even when the condition is regarded as morbid, and even when a life of chastity has, on this account, been deliberately chosen, it is very rare to find an invert expressing any wish to change his sexual ideals. The male invert cannot find, and has no desire to find, any sexual charm in a woman, for he finds all possible charms united in a man. And a woman invert writes: "I cannot conceive a sadder fate than to be a woman--an average woman reduced to the necessity of loving a man!" - Havelock Ellis / Studies in the Psychology of Sex, Volume 2
Is it Nature or Nurture or both ?