The Struggle of Expression

In my heart I have always felt like I should be a girl, yet how to express such a thing, has not been easy

For myself , posing for Artists has allowed me to explore ways of expressing myself as a " Female-roled male ", as in reality all that I can rationally try to do is " be in a female type role ", try to be as feminine as possible,especially for a boyfriend, yet for myself as well. As I only feel psychologically correct when I am able to be " Female like "

Not having a penis reflects my " Role "

I've simply just always wished to perform like a female sexually

For myself, I have no desire to perform like a Man, just desire to Act like a female for a Man

     I am a composite of ;

Uranian,berdache,Fa'afafine,femboy,shemale,postitute(call-boy/slut-boy)

sex-worker,homosexual transsexual,Androsexual,autogynephilic,Muxe.

 One thing for sure I know, is I am only suited  to be a "Female-Roled male"

                                              Sexually

   I've always known I am a "Femboy"

female roled male and wanted guys to treat me like a girl sexually

How to get noticed or convey publicly that one is a Femboy has always been a dilemma for me. On occassion I would have a guy ask if I was a bottom, which I liked alot , because I knew it was likely that he was a top.If I was interested , My reply was always " yes , 100% ", often a guy in this type encounter was very horny and ready, so he might come right out ask me what I liked to do sexually, I usually say something like; " I often give blow-jobs on first date " , if he said he wanted a blow-job, I'd ask if he wanted to call me in a about a hour then give him my phone number.

I just always wanted to be a man's girly-boyfriend, be as female like for him as reasonable possible in the society/culture which we live in currently . Which is slowly, I hope ,evolving to accept transsexual type people.

Just like many,many true females, it is very exciting for me to have a man that I find attractive, come up and ask me if I'd be interested in being his girly-boyfriend, and ask me to be in the female role sexually for him.

For myself, having a vulva, not a penis is the ultimate way I can express to man, or anyone for that matter that I am at least psychologically 100% sexually like a female

I've always been envious when seeing females breast feeding, wishing I could do what they are doing

Just as I am not sexually attracted to females like a normal male, if I look at the magazine below, I am envious of their bodies.

  For example I could hang out with this women nude, and I'd not have a desire to actually have sex with them.

Verse , I would find myself at home being with the girls below, and wishing these men could sexually treat me like a girl as well.

I don't know if I'd suck him in this setting, but I'd certainly be "stroking it "

I've known at least since puberty that I have be turned on by some nude men, not any nude women, yet I can greatly admire nude women.

     Yet how to express this               diemma is difficult

Image above expresses my ideally how I sexually feel to be; Female-roled

There as been no " Role Model " I relate to , or fully identify with.

                             except the " Berdache Concept"

If I take the " Bem Androgyny Test ", psychologically I show up as " feminine ".

Transgender.kinseyinstitute.org

  • An estimated 0.3% of adults are transgender. Read more »

  • A review of 8 transgender studies found rates for male-to-female between 1 in 11,900 to 1 in 45,000 and female-to-male between 1 in 30,400 to 1 in 200,000. (World Professional Association for Transgender Health, 2011)

  • Among male-to-female transgender people (MtF), 27% are attracted to men, 35% are attracted to women, and 38% are attracted to men and women. Read more »

  • Among female-to-male transgender people (FtM), 10% are attracted to men, 55% are attracted to women, and 35% are attracted to men and women. Read more »

  • 12-27% of children continue to experience gender dysphoria as adults. (World Professional Association for Transgender Health, 2011)Are transgender people gay or lesbian? No. Transgender people are straight, gay, lesbian and bi-sexual.

    (Bockting's research suggests that, among male-to-female transgender people, 27 percent are attracted to men, 35 percent are attracted to women and 38 percent are attracted to men and women. Among female-to-male transgender people, 10 percent are attracted to men, 55 percent are attracted to women and 35 percent are attracted to men and women.)

I always wanted males and females both to to know I am a male who feels very Feminine psychologically and only wish to be 100% sexually like a true female.

  For example, writing.. " I am a male " in above sentence causes cognitive dissonance, I hate referring to myself as a Man,

      as I have never seen myself as a " Man ", see myself as part male, yet more female like. Thus I like called a " Fem'male "

Then to make matters worse, there is the distorted true surrounding the whole transgender issue like the term ;

 Use of androphilia and gynephilia was proposed and popularized by psychologist Ron Langevin in the 1980s.[34] Psychologist Stephen T. Wegener writes, "Langevin makes several concrete suggestions regarding the language used to describe sexual anomalies. For example, he proposes the terms gynephilic and androphilic to indicate the type of partner preferred regardless of an individual's gender identity or dress. Those who are writing and researching in this area would do well to adopt his clear and concise vocabulary."[35]

                                                                         Verse                                                                                     

Then I just came across this article  ;

   "  Nicolas Chinardet doesn’t like the words most people use to describe his sexuality. 

So, in the early 2000s, he came up with an alternative term to describe himself as a man who finds other men sexually attractive: 'androphile'.

“I made it up from my vague knowledge of Greek,” he tells me. “Putting two bits together” – the prefix 'andro', meaning man, and 'phile', denoting a love for something – “to come up with androphile."..

Since then, the word has mutated into a label of choice for some young gay men, often politically right-wing, who identify with a new kind of sexuality.

In 2006, the right-wing polemicist Jack Donovan took the word as the title of his book, which was subtitled, 'Rejecting the Gay Identity, Reclaiming Masculinity'.

 

                                                                                  Who is fooling Who?

                                                                                                                                                  3 October 2017

                                            I'd say Nicolas Chinardet  is some 40 years late

exerpt from above article ;

Summary: This award-winning short claymation film is an adaptation of Plato's Allegory of the Cave and can be used to teach core concepts from the sociology of knowledge, including the social construction of reality. The Allegory of the Cave, presented in Plato's Republic, tells the story of prisoners trapped in a cave who can only see shadows casted on the wall in front of them. Plato's story is a commentary on the human condition, in which he suggests that humans are trapped in a material world, interpreting illusions and shadows to be reality. Plato's theory shares similarities with ideas presented in Berger and Luckmann's (1966) The Social Construction of Reality, specifically that our perception of reality is shaped by our social and physical location. In this way, reality is not absolute, and what we understand to be "real" is actually a social construct. 

Being Erect doesn't express my Identity

As I express my self in the above video, I soon found it didn't fit my idea of whom I wished to be, I wanted to be " female-roled ", thus soon I would never again pose in such a way, as it causes cognitive dissonance. When in my heart I've always wished to express myself as female sexually roled.

The only aspect about the video above (erect) that I feel good about is the below clip,where I ejaculate in my mouth. 

However for the last 20 years for myself to masturbate,I need to have my dildo up inside my bottom,thus imagining a real man is in me,which makes me become limp.It's very rare that I have a erection.

In Essense it's been a lifetime of exploring,learning what best fits my                                                   sexual identity