Why I am not           Ga

I have always seen myself as a  "surrogate female-receptive partner "for a Male​

At least the term "gay" doesn't represent a individual's sex role/identity it represents a

socially constructed ideology that homosexuals may or may not identify with. I been with many homosexual men, and many don't identify with the term " gay ".

Because of my homosexuality was brought on by manifestations early childhood sex with older/adult males, my sexual role began to a highly submissive female-receptive feminine male- " Situational homosexuality " as Rod Fleming talks about early in the below video the "consenting prison sex " a submissive male becoming a strong masculine males slutboy, boy-toy, bush wife etc.

  Louis Theroux: Situational homosexuality was ‘relatively common’

    “Which I think, I hope I’m not scandalising anyone, is relatively common, definitely in                                               prison and to an extent in all-male boarding schools"

 When my classmate gave me Sexual Initiation as his submissive slut

I was age 13, I can clearly recall how excited I was when he told me he wanted me to suck his cock, I then so excited all day during school, all I could think about all that day was imaging what it was going to be like having his big hard erect cock in my mouth.

Then when we got to the wood lot where I be sucking him, how he told me what to do, how submissive I felt when he pulled his already hard cock out, slapped my face with it, made me tell him how much I'd been wanting and dreaming of sucking his big black cock, I told him that I'd been wanting to suck his cock since I'd first seen him naked in the showers and was so glad that he was letting me suck it now.

He then let me take it in my mouth, I'll never forget how good it felt having his cock in my mouth, I never forget just how wonderful it was when suddenly my mouth was flooded with his semen, he told me to swallow it all, but he didn't need to tell me, I was already eagerly swallowing it all.

                                       I know from that moment on,

                  I have never wished to be anything other then

                   a submissive slut when I've had sex with men.

                                      He called me his "girly-boyfriend"

                                     and always told me I should have been born a girl

 

It was very easy for him to get me to suck his cock every day after that first time, it was easy for him to get me to suck all of his friends cocks as well, then when they trained me how to get fucked properly, I was very excited to have all of them fuck me as often as they could, it was like I just learned to ride a bike, I wanted to ride all the time.

                                                         Prison sexuality

" A dominant sexual partner in prison is called "daddy" while their submissive partner is called "kid" or “girl”. The dominant partner has their mate take on the feminine role in order to feel more masculine and powerful" - wikipedia

                                   Homosexuality in ancient Rome

The primary dichotomy of ancient Roman sexuality was active/dominant/masculine                                                                                 and

                                                    passive/submissive/feminine

Male–male sex

A man or boy who took the "receptive" role in sex was;

      variously called cinaedus, pathicus, exoletus, concubinus (male concubine)

In its modern usage, the term catamite refers to a boy as the passive or receiving partner in anal intercourse with a man.

                         The following is a very eye-opening aspect of human history

                                     BOY PROSTITUTION IN NEW YORK IN 1968

The following account is from Boys for Sale. A Sociological Study of Boy Prostitution by Dennis Drew & Jonathan Drake, New York, 1969, pp. 153-67.

Though published the next year, it was evidently written in 1968, as it describes boys' present circumstances that year. - 

Case one: Denny, at age 8, was persuaded to perform fellatio on an older schoolmate in exchange for a Boy Scout knife that the older boy had stolen. The older lad told others about Denny’s willingness and they lost no time in forcing Denny to fellate them. Being somewhat sissified, Denny found resistance difficult and he soon came to enjoy the situation. Before long, he was seducing adults too.

The above sounds like me, in that I became sissified , I've always called it " psychologically emasculated" and I became very " psychologically emasculated " after my sexual role with the males

at age 13, though I was willing always to suck their cocks or be penetrated anally, I very much desired older (Adult) men once I been with a adult male who would make me feel feminine and dominate me,

mentor me on how he wished me to perform sexually.

excerpt; 

"So much for the amateurs — the truly professionally operated “high class” prostitution in the New York City area is probably one of the cleverest pieces of illegal activity in the world. It is marked by a double protection. For one, it is practically impossible to get a boy, even the first time, until a client submits proof of interest (for example, showing a photograph of himself having intercourse with a young boy), and is personally recommended by a regular customer. The other half of the protection is provided by similar guarantees made by those who operate the “call-boy” service. This prevents blackmail risk, at least as far as the operators are concerned. There has never been any gangster involvement in this operation — at least not to the detriment of the clients.

Customers include some of the most prominent socialites, artists, businessmen and professional men in the city. If a membership were kept, it would read almost like Who’s Who. Many of the members first discovered their taste for sexual intercourse with boys while attending exclusively male prep schools and top colleges. Interestingly enough, a few of them were once boy prostitutes themselves "

I know once I started having sex with Men as a "submissive female-receptive male" and was known for it, 

many Men were eager to use me for there slut, both when age 13, then again at age 36 (1998).

Though I wasn't receiving money to have sex with men, I very much seen my role for men as similar to prostitution type role, I was their " Slut "

   I think I chose to be with Edward my jack donkey male lover and age 13 because;

1. I was very sexually attracted to him, he sexually femininized/emasculated me to the      highest degree, much more then a human male could.

2. Being with him eliminated the chance of being known to be a;

                                           " female roled/receptive male "

3. I felt it much safer being with Edward due to much less likely to get HIV and other        STD's.

4. The stability and trust of being with Edward was much, much greater, I knew he'd          always be there for me everyday whether we had sex or not.

5. Being with Edward was as close as I ever was to being in a 100% monogamous            relationship with a male partner/lover. Only male partner I truly ever lived with                under the same roof.

                             Group Session: Can a Gang Bang Be Therapeutic? - slate.com

excerpts; 

" Most gay men will have seen one: a grainy porn flick, maybe from Treasure Island Media, in which a lone bottom finds himself in a room full of tops. Whether you find the bottom lucky or not is a matter of taste. And even if the scene does inspire fantasies about being the center of a gang bang, it’s likely that inhibitions, health concerns, and logistical challenges would stop you short of the real thing "

" But for those in New York committed to the orgy experience, there’s a discrete event-planning startup that organizes gang bangs tailored to clients’ desires. And, contrary to what you might expect, this service isn’t operated by a party promoter or a seedy pimp. It’s helmed by Daniel, a soft-spoken young entrepreneur who met with me over tea last month to explain why he believes that gang bangs can be more than carnal adventures—for him and his clients, they can be forms of empowerment, even a kind of therapy "

I myself love being gang-banged, getting so much male attention, getting my female-receptive roled affirmed and strengthed.

The only reason I joined the Indigo Group in 2000 was because I knew I'd be getting gang-banged every day in the safest possible environment.

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Rod fleming talks of types of homosexual men, the first he calls " gender organized" which is a highly feminized femboy type like me who is partnered with a Masculine dominate Man,, this being the type of relationship that I am best suited for, if I can be only in the female-receptive role.

below video;

This is one of the reasons I can't identify as " Gay"

One reason for me wearing the cage while at the Indigo house was to show the men whom all identified as " Gay ", would see that I was 100% female-roled, I didn't wish anyone to even touch me penis, my role was to only perform fellatio on the men or be anally penetrated, if being gang-banged all of the guys had to wear a condom, if a guy asked to be alone with me so he could fuck me without a condom on and ejaculate up inside me it was up to me to allow him to be alone with me.

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excerpt from "boys for sale;

                         The following is a writing of a adult male using a boy, 

 

WARNING: George's account is sexually explicit, since the whole point of it was to explain how and why he had become sexually enthusiastic about boys, and it should not be read by anyone who might be upset by this. - George's account page

I suppose you must wonder why a man like me is interested in young boys. The only way it could possibly be understood at all is to know all about me. There are many factors involved — not just one as some people might think.

Then, during World War II, I was in Naples just after the liberation.[1] I was a married man then, and had a daughter about 7 at the time. I was approached by many Italian women, all prostituting themselves for a living — or rather for a meal. The country was destitute. I saw so much loose sexuality going on that I feared getting a venereal disease from these women. But I wanted sex, nevertheless, and I wanted it badly. But still, my fear overcame my desire.

Then, on a dark side street one night, I was approached by a man. He said that he was a pimp and asked if I was interested. I told him of my fear of disease and he just “aahhed” and said that he had just the thing for me...a nice clean boy. At first, I looked at him as though he was joking but, as he continued to talk in his halting English, I realized that he was in earnest. The more I thought about it, the more interested I became. First of all, I reasoned (wrongly, I now think) that most of the men were interested in women and few would be interested in boys — therefore, there would be less risk of contamination. Then too, I suppose, I had read so much about that sort of thing that I felt inclined to try it while I was overseas. After all, in Italy just after the war, one could take a few risks without too much danger of ruining one’s reputation.

The man went on to say that he was actually performing a great service to the country because he was feeding and housing his boys — boys who might otherwise be roaming the streets and picking up what little they could gather to eat from the garbage piles. And he also argued that I’d be doing them a great service in patronizing them — my fee would help to keep these boys from starving.

                Neapolitan boys 1944

In the end, my curiosity won out over my fear. I have since met many men who first indulged in boy-love while across the ocean. Some never return to it out of fear, but others, like myself, become patrons of boy prostitutes. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

When I looked at him again, his eyes seemed very sad. ‘You...no like?’ he said. Sensing his disappointment, I hurriedly reassured him that I’d chosen him out of all the others. I could see that my lack of erection had puzzled him. He thought it meant I wasn’t interested in him.

“He began to stimulate me with his mouth. It was not the mouth of an amateur and I responded immediately with a full erection. He kissed my testicles and then lavished attention on my penis until I was in a frenzy. Then he got some lubricant from a jar — I believe it was animal fat — and began to work this onto my penis. His young fingers delighted me and tantalized me. Then he greased his anus and sat down upon me. I was shocked at his capacity to absorb all of me. I suppose this was typical male vanity. I was not an exception to the rule. But the boy took me easily enough, with only a small grimace or two to indicate that he was not as frequently patronized as his brothers.

 

When I woke him up, he was pleased to notice my erection. He reached for the fat again and repeated his actions of the previous evening. Then he lay face down on the pile of rags and instructed me, in halting English, to cover him, taking care to support myself on my knees and elbows. This took some doing before I finally figured out what he wanted me to do.

Once the glans of my penis had penetrated, he began to work his hips. If I had enjoyed the previous intercourse, I was unprepared for the extra thrills of this one. He would sink all the way to the root of my penis and then work his hips until only the head was in. Then his anal sphincter would work violently on the glans with a sucking action, after which he’d sink back all the way on it, taking it entirely into his rectum. It was like having a mouth working on it, only a tight, hot mouth. He was a master at moving his pelvis. What that kid knew at the age of 11, many an adult could have learned.

I finally reached a violent orgasm. I was a complete wreck, mentally and physically'! I lay heavily on him, holding him tightly, moaning and kissing his shoulder and neck. He seemed delighted with the attention.

The reason I put this here is to illustrate, how these boys adapted to a terrible situation, even got very good at being a female-receptive partner.

         My thoughts as I read this; " how could these Men have sex with boys? it wrong ",

                            yet I myself at age 13 wanted to have sex with adult Men and did !